"This is going to be so cool," repeated Babidi, polishing his crystal ball. "Don't you think so, Dabura?"
Dabura frowned. "It would be better if you just let me crush them within my mighty fists."
"But then we don't get to watch the fight," said Babidi patiently. "Plus, we'd get no energy for Majin Buu! Speaking of which, where'd I put the Quadromatic Flux Injector?"
"The what?"
"You know," said Babidi, waving his hand vaguely, "the Pulse Plasma Phasing Soundconducive Transferral Device."
"You mean the needle?"
Babidi sighed. "Dabura, we talked about this. This is a spaceship. If you don't call things by futuristic names, then the whole 'We're in a spaceship' effect is completely wasted. Now hand me the Molecular Reinitializer."
"Shall I go place it in the Spherical Containment Orb?" said Dabura sarcastically. "I'll walk over there in my Feet Containment Units."
Babidi's black-rimmed eyes squeezed half-shut as he glared at Dabura. "Don't mock me, Dabura. I have the Power. Now, let's see how much energy Yamu and Spopovich got for me." He inserted the tip of the needle into the machinery surrounding the cocoon, and his bulging eyes widened as the dial spun... and spun... and spun.
"Look at that!" marvelled Babidi. "That's almost half the power we need! How did they drain that many people? They're the fastest, most effecient minions I've ever had! Dabura, promote Yamu to 'Fire Yamu', and give Spopovich all the brains he wants!"
"Er," said Dabura. "You killed them, Master."
"Oh," said Babidi. "That's right. I did, didn't I? Silly me. Ah, well, let's see what's happening back up in the spaceship. Turn on my Visionary Shifting Transcieving Sphere!"
Dabura tapped the crystal ball until it shuddered into life.
--------
They hovered down through a steel chute that lead deep within the earth. It ended in a wide, curved room with a steel hatch set in the floor and a wide door up against one of the walls.
"So, where's Majin Buu?" said Goku. "Is he behind that door?"
"No, Goku," said Kaioshin.
"Is he under that circle thing on the floor?"
"Yes, Goku."
"Is he behind that door?"
"Shut up."
The door opened. A figure emerged. A pair of sneering lips underneath a scratched exoskeletal head that stretched back for half a metre, adorned with a curling M. Two yellow, pupiless eyes. Kaioshin gasped.
"Pui-Pui! The mightiest of the Puis!"
"That's right," said Pui-Pui, stepping into the chamber. "I am the great Pui-Pui. Destroyer of worlds! Welcome to Babidi's Spaceship. This place will be your TOMB!"
"Who are you?" demanded Goku.
Pui-Pui frowned. "Have you not heard of Pui-Pui? The mightiest of the Puis?"
"I just said that," muttered Kaioshin. "But they don't listen to me."
"I am a mighty warrior," began Pui-Pui. "I have trained under the Demon Lord Dabura himself. But my story is a story filled with woe and tragedy. A story unlike any story you've ever heard. Do you wish to hear my story?"
"Oh, heavens, yes!" squealed Vegeta, clapping his hands. "I love a story!"
They looked at him. "Don't look at me, Kakarotto said it," Vegeta mumbled.
"Did I?" Goku shrugged. "Well, if Vegeta says so, it's true! He's always right!"
"Then I shall tell you my story," said Pui-Pui. "This story is known as 'The Story of Pui-Pui'."
"Hey," said Dabura, from within the spaceship's lower level. "That's not fair. Babidi, are you going to let him do this?"
"Why not? Everybody loves a story, Dabura!"
--------
"Once upon a time," began Pui-Pui, "Many, many years ago, on a planet named Pui within the furthest reaches of the North Galaxy, a child of Destiny was born..."
They held the little baby in their arms, cradling it. "Isn't it cute?" said Mother Pui-Pui, her yellow eyes soft and dewy with emotion.
"Yes," said Father Pui-Pui proudly. "It is my Son."
Mother Pui-Pui opened her mouth, revealing long, curved fangs. "Shall we eat him now?"
"Yes, let's!" Father Pui-Pui slavered. "Tear him apart!"
"Unfortunately," said Pui-Pui to his audience, "On Pui, it was customary for the mother and father to eat their newborn children. As you might imagine, this eventually lead to a rather significant loss in population for the Pui race. Fortunately, I managed to escape."
"It bit me!" screeched Mother Pui-Pui. "He learns so fast! I'm so proud of him, Father Pui-Pui! I bet he's delicious!"
"I can't wait to take him to his first game of Puiball," said Father Pui-Pui. "After I've digested him, of course. Quick, catch him! He's getting away!"
The little Pui-Pui scampered through the doorway and into the bleak, oppressive Pui City streets. Mother and Father Pui-Pui watched him go, feeling the pangs of remorse and the bigger pangs of hunger.
"For months I wandered through Pui City, looking for a place to stay, a place to live, a place where I could be loved rather than eaten with a light, spicy sauce. I wanted an honest job, something that would give me hope for a future where I could be a clean, respectable citizen. After about two days of this I got bored and turned to crime instead."
The policeman backed away. "You won't get away with this!"
"Of course I will! I am the great Bandit Pui-Pui, Scourge of Pui!"
"I swear, Pui-Pui, I will catch you! I will hunt you down! Your days of thievery are over! As Great God Pui-Pui is my witness, I WILL BE YOUR DESTRUCTION!"
"Fool! I am more than you can handle!" Pui-Pui cackled as he swung the bag of loot over his shoulder. There was a brief crack as something broke under the weight. "Okay, this bag is heavy."
"Are you okay? That sounded pretty bad."
"No, I'm fine," said Pui-Pui, rubbing his back. "Just lifted it a little too fast. Jeeze, that hurts."
"Put some ice on it," the policeman suggested. "Or do what my grandpa did - he used to have a hot bath whenever he damaged his exoskeleton."
"You really think that'll work?"
"Sure," said the policeman.
"Hey, thanks."
"No problem." The policeman cleared his throat. "Don't think you can escape, Pui-Pui! Your death at my hands is assured! You will die the dishonourable death of a brigand!"
"Hahahaha!" Pui-Pui actually spoke the words instead of laughing, mostly for dramatic effect. "Tell all your friends that a new force is in town. A force of pure evil! And his name is PUI-PUI!"
"Of course," Pui-Pui mused, "Everybody on planet Pui was named Pui-Pui. I didn't think of it at the time, but looking back on that moment now, I'm pretty sure that explains why at least nine hundred people were afterwards arrested for bank robbery. Anyway, I moved to the mountains, where I became quite well known as a bandit who preyed on the rich and poor alike."
"Your money or your life!"
The old Pui gazed up at the bandit wearily. "You would rob an old Pui of his last worldly possessions?"
"Yes," said Pui-Pui honestly.
"I have nothing material, young Pui. Nothing that you would value."
"You have a pretty cool beard. I want it."
"Beards grow, young Pui. They cannot be stolen and forcefully grafted onto your chin, as you are attempting to do now. In time, you will learn these things. Also, that really hurt when you tore my beard off like that, you little bastard."
Pui-Pui dropped the beard and stomped on it. "Stupid beard! Well then, old Pui, what can you offer me?"
"I can train you," said the old Pui, his eyes lighting up. "In the mysterious way of KI! I can teach you to power yourself up! To fire blasts of pure energy! To fly through the skies as though you were a bird!"
"What? Really?"
The old man's face twitched, and then he burst into laughter. "Oh, man," he snorted. "'What? Really?' I can't believe you fell for that! Nobody can do those things, young Pui. They are impossible. You're so gullible."
"If 'gullible' means 'about to shoot you', then yes," said Pui-Pui, and fired. "That'll teach you not to make fun of the Great Pui-Pui."
"Of course," recalled Pui-Pui, "I later met another old man who wasn't joking, and he did teach me the ways of ki. He and I became good friends. He was my teacher, and I was his student. I remember the first time he told me to fire a blast of ki from my hands..."
"You have done well, Pui-Pui," said Master Pui-Pui. "The time has come for you to take the ki you have used for flying and turn it into a weapon of pure destructive force."
"Cool," said Pui-Pui.
"Just look within you and fire a blast of purest ki at me."
"But, er, won't that hurt you?"
"No," said Master Pui-Pui. "For I am one with the Ki. I am fluid and my mind is strong."
"Kay," said Pui-Pui. "So, like, I just point at you and fire, right? Energy, right?"
"Yes. Do not be afraid, young Pui-Pui. I am more than capable of deflecting it."
"Neat." Pui-Pui clenched his fist and pointed at his master, and the focused. He felt the power running through his body, forming on his fist, blasting forth...
"You're doing it!" said the Master. "Good job, Pui-Pui! Now, I will deflect it!"
Pui-Pui winced. "I thought you said you could deflect it," he said eventually.
"I was wrong," gasped Master Pui-Pui, from his broken, crumpled position on the ground. "But do not be deterred from your path, Pui-Pui. You have great power within you."
"I'll say," said Pui-Pui. "Are you okay?"
"No," rasped the master. "In fact, I am far from okay. I'm dying. But I do not blame you, Pui-Pui. I blame myself, for underestimating your power. I thought that I was stronger than you. I thought that I could merely swat your blast away with my arm. But I was wrong."
"Yeah," said Vegeta, nodding. "I know how he felt."
"Don't interrupt the story," scolded Pui-Pui. "Anyway, as I was saying, my master died at my own hands. It was an accident, but later on I pretended that I meant to do it so that I could become the new master. It seemed like the evil thing to do. With my new powers, I was truly unstoppable. I was a force of evil that nobody on Pui could dare to match."
"Curse you, Pui-Pui! You vicious bandit!"
"That's me," said Pui-Pui. "Ally to vicious bandits, nightmare to you!"
"You've destroyed our people, burned our crops, and attempted to have your way with our women--"
"Yes," said Pui-Pui sadly. "But none of my pickup lines worked."
"--and now you would destroy what little we have left. Spare us, Pui-Pui! In your evil benevolence, spare us! Do not fire that blast of energy you hold above your head!"
"What, this energy ball thing? I totally forgot I had it there. What was I going to do with this thing again?"
"You were going to destroy our town, remember?"
"Oh, right!" Pui-Pui grinned. "Thanks! I'd forget my own head if it wasn't so damn sexy. Okay, here I go. Pui-Pui Ball Attack!"
"Nooo!" wailed the villager. "You destroyed our town with a ball of energy!"
"And then I shot you with a beam of ki from my finger," added Pui-Pui.
"Really? I don't remember that. UGH!"
Pui-Pui nodded, satisfied. "I'm a real badass."
"In the course of a month I'd destroyed most of the major Pui cities and the rest were finally paying tribute to me, the great Pui-Pui," Pui-Pui continued. "The world was under my control. I truly was the greatest Pui ever to be born. The world built statues of me! Of course, Puis are identical, so they might not have been of me, but I liked to pretend they were. I was practically ruler of the planet. Nobody had ki to match mine! Nobody! Until the day Dabura came and destroyed the rest of the population..."
"FREEZE!" A shadow emerged from the rocks, fingers extended towards Dabura and Babidi. His long white exoskeleton curved around his gleaming yellow eyes, and a silly mouth that seemed fix in a permanent stupid grin. "Are you responsible for the slaughter of millions upon millions of innocent, harmless Pui's?"
"Yes," said Dabura.
"Ah. Well, would you be scared to find out that I am the Great Pui-Pui, Scourge of the Galaxy?"
"No," said Dabura.
"You should be. It may look like I am merely holding my hands in a ridiculous way, but I can in fact shoot energy attacks that would destroy you in an instant!"
"You mean, like this one?" Dabura lifted his hand and fired a ball of sparkling energy that slammed Pui-Pui in the chest and sent him flying into a nearby boulder. It crumbled, burying the bandit underneath a crushing weight of rubble.
---------
"And so it ended," concluded Pui-Pui. "I, the Great Pui-Pui, defeated by Dabura and enlisted to travel with Babidi to ensure the resurrection of Majin Buu. Do not underestimate me! My power is as great as my story is long and boring! You will not find any mercy at my hands!"
Babidi wiped a tear from his big, bulbous eye. "That was a touching story of drama and betrayal, wasn't it, Dabura? Dabura? Wake up! You've fallen asleep on the floor, you fool!"
"The floor?" muttered Dabura, pulling himself to his feet. "Don't you mean the Level Stabilisation Platform?"
Babidi frowned. "I always get the feeling that you're being insubordinate, Dabura. And now, let us see how Pui-Pui deals with these intruders..."
Dabura frowned. "It would be better if you just let me crush them within my mighty fists."
"But then we don't get to watch the fight," said Babidi patiently. "Plus, we'd get no energy for Majin Buu! Speaking of which, where'd I put the Quadromatic Flux Injector?"
"The what?"
"You know," said Babidi, waving his hand vaguely, "the Pulse Plasma Phasing Soundconducive Transferral Device."
"You mean the needle?"
Babidi sighed. "Dabura, we talked about this. This is a spaceship. If you don't call things by futuristic names, then the whole 'We're in a spaceship' effect is completely wasted. Now hand me the Molecular Reinitializer."
"Shall I go place it in the Spherical Containment Orb?" said Dabura sarcastically. "I'll walk over there in my Feet Containment Units."
Babidi's black-rimmed eyes squeezed half-shut as he glared at Dabura. "Don't mock me, Dabura. I have the Power. Now, let's see how much energy Yamu and Spopovich got for me." He inserted the tip of the needle into the machinery surrounding the cocoon, and his bulging eyes widened as the dial spun... and spun... and spun.
"Look at that!" marvelled Babidi. "That's almost half the power we need! How did they drain that many people? They're the fastest, most effecient minions I've ever had! Dabura, promote Yamu to 'Fire Yamu', and give Spopovich all the brains he wants!"
"Er," said Dabura. "You killed them, Master."
"Oh," said Babidi. "That's right. I did, didn't I? Silly me. Ah, well, let's see what's happening back up in the spaceship. Turn on my Visionary Shifting Transcieving Sphere!"
Dabura tapped the crystal ball until it shuddered into life.
--------
They hovered down through a steel chute that lead deep within the earth. It ended in a wide, curved room with a steel hatch set in the floor and a wide door up against one of the walls.
"So, where's Majin Buu?" said Goku. "Is he behind that door?"
"No, Goku," said Kaioshin.
"Is he under that circle thing on the floor?"
"Yes, Goku."
"Is he behind that door?"
"Shut up."
The door opened. A figure emerged. A pair of sneering lips underneath a scratched exoskeletal head that stretched back for half a metre, adorned with a curling M. Two yellow, pupiless eyes. Kaioshin gasped.
"Pui-Pui! The mightiest of the Puis!"
"That's right," said Pui-Pui, stepping into the chamber. "I am the great Pui-Pui. Destroyer of worlds! Welcome to Babidi's Spaceship. This place will be your TOMB!"
"Who are you?" demanded Goku.
Pui-Pui frowned. "Have you not heard of Pui-Pui? The mightiest of the Puis?"
"I just said that," muttered Kaioshin. "But they don't listen to me."
"I am a mighty warrior," began Pui-Pui. "I have trained under the Demon Lord Dabura himself. But my story is a story filled with woe and tragedy. A story unlike any story you've ever heard. Do you wish to hear my story?"
"Oh, heavens, yes!" squealed Vegeta, clapping his hands. "I love a story!"
They looked at him. "Don't look at me, Kakarotto said it," Vegeta mumbled.
"Did I?" Goku shrugged. "Well, if Vegeta says so, it's true! He's always right!"
"Then I shall tell you my story," said Pui-Pui. "This story is known as 'The Story of Pui-Pui'."
"Hey," said Dabura, from within the spaceship's lower level. "That's not fair. Babidi, are you going to let him do this?"
"Why not? Everybody loves a story, Dabura!"
--------
"Once upon a time," began Pui-Pui, "Many, many years ago, on a planet named Pui within the furthest reaches of the North Galaxy, a child of Destiny was born..."
They held the little baby in their arms, cradling it. "Isn't it cute?" said Mother Pui-Pui, her yellow eyes soft and dewy with emotion.
"Yes," said Father Pui-Pui proudly. "It is my Son."
Mother Pui-Pui opened her mouth, revealing long, curved fangs. "Shall we eat him now?"
"Yes, let's!" Father Pui-Pui slavered. "Tear him apart!"
"Unfortunately," said Pui-Pui to his audience, "On Pui, it was customary for the mother and father to eat their newborn children. As you might imagine, this eventually lead to a rather significant loss in population for the Pui race. Fortunately, I managed to escape."
"It bit me!" screeched Mother Pui-Pui. "He learns so fast! I'm so proud of him, Father Pui-Pui! I bet he's delicious!"
"I can't wait to take him to his first game of Puiball," said Father Pui-Pui. "After I've digested him, of course. Quick, catch him! He's getting away!"
The little Pui-Pui scampered through the doorway and into the bleak, oppressive Pui City streets. Mother and Father Pui-Pui watched him go, feeling the pangs of remorse and the bigger pangs of hunger.
"For months I wandered through Pui City, looking for a place to stay, a place to live, a place where I could be loved rather than eaten with a light, spicy sauce. I wanted an honest job, something that would give me hope for a future where I could be a clean, respectable citizen. After about two days of this I got bored and turned to crime instead."
The policeman backed away. "You won't get away with this!"
"Of course I will! I am the great Bandit Pui-Pui, Scourge of Pui!"
"I swear, Pui-Pui, I will catch you! I will hunt you down! Your days of thievery are over! As Great God Pui-Pui is my witness, I WILL BE YOUR DESTRUCTION!"
"Fool! I am more than you can handle!" Pui-Pui cackled as he swung the bag of loot over his shoulder. There was a brief crack as something broke under the weight. "Okay, this bag is heavy."
"Are you okay? That sounded pretty bad."
"No, I'm fine," said Pui-Pui, rubbing his back. "Just lifted it a little too fast. Jeeze, that hurts."
"Put some ice on it," the policeman suggested. "Or do what my grandpa did - he used to have a hot bath whenever he damaged his exoskeleton."
"You really think that'll work?"
"Sure," said the policeman.
"Hey, thanks."
"No problem." The policeman cleared his throat. "Don't think you can escape, Pui-Pui! Your death at my hands is assured! You will die the dishonourable death of a brigand!"
"Hahahaha!" Pui-Pui actually spoke the words instead of laughing, mostly for dramatic effect. "Tell all your friends that a new force is in town. A force of pure evil! And his name is PUI-PUI!"
"Of course," Pui-Pui mused, "Everybody on planet Pui was named Pui-Pui. I didn't think of it at the time, but looking back on that moment now, I'm pretty sure that explains why at least nine hundred people were afterwards arrested for bank robbery. Anyway, I moved to the mountains, where I became quite well known as a bandit who preyed on the rich and poor alike."
"Your money or your life!"
The old Pui gazed up at the bandit wearily. "You would rob an old Pui of his last worldly possessions?"
"Yes," said Pui-Pui honestly.
"I have nothing material, young Pui. Nothing that you would value."
"You have a pretty cool beard. I want it."
"Beards grow, young Pui. They cannot be stolen and forcefully grafted onto your chin, as you are attempting to do now. In time, you will learn these things. Also, that really hurt when you tore my beard off like that, you little bastard."
Pui-Pui dropped the beard and stomped on it. "Stupid beard! Well then, old Pui, what can you offer me?"
"I can train you," said the old Pui, his eyes lighting up. "In the mysterious way of KI! I can teach you to power yourself up! To fire blasts of pure energy! To fly through the skies as though you were a bird!"
"What? Really?"
The old man's face twitched, and then he burst into laughter. "Oh, man," he snorted. "'What? Really?' I can't believe you fell for that! Nobody can do those things, young Pui. They are impossible. You're so gullible."
"If 'gullible' means 'about to shoot you', then yes," said Pui-Pui, and fired. "That'll teach you not to make fun of the Great Pui-Pui."
"Of course," recalled Pui-Pui, "I later met another old man who wasn't joking, and he did teach me the ways of ki. He and I became good friends. He was my teacher, and I was his student. I remember the first time he told me to fire a blast of ki from my hands..."
"You have done well, Pui-Pui," said Master Pui-Pui. "The time has come for you to take the ki you have used for flying and turn it into a weapon of pure destructive force."
"Cool," said Pui-Pui.
"Just look within you and fire a blast of purest ki at me."
"But, er, won't that hurt you?"
"No," said Master Pui-Pui. "For I am one with the Ki. I am fluid and my mind is strong."
"Kay," said Pui-Pui. "So, like, I just point at you and fire, right? Energy, right?"
"Yes. Do not be afraid, young Pui-Pui. I am more than capable of deflecting it."
"Neat." Pui-Pui clenched his fist and pointed at his master, and the focused. He felt the power running through his body, forming on his fist, blasting forth...
"You're doing it!" said the Master. "Good job, Pui-Pui! Now, I will deflect it!"
Pui-Pui winced. "I thought you said you could deflect it," he said eventually.
"I was wrong," gasped Master Pui-Pui, from his broken, crumpled position on the ground. "But do not be deterred from your path, Pui-Pui. You have great power within you."
"I'll say," said Pui-Pui. "Are you okay?"
"No," rasped the master. "In fact, I am far from okay. I'm dying. But I do not blame you, Pui-Pui. I blame myself, for underestimating your power. I thought that I was stronger than you. I thought that I could merely swat your blast away with my arm. But I was wrong."
"Yeah," said Vegeta, nodding. "I know how he felt."
"Don't interrupt the story," scolded Pui-Pui. "Anyway, as I was saying, my master died at my own hands. It was an accident, but later on I pretended that I meant to do it so that I could become the new master. It seemed like the evil thing to do. With my new powers, I was truly unstoppable. I was a force of evil that nobody on Pui could dare to match."
"Curse you, Pui-Pui! You vicious bandit!"
"That's me," said Pui-Pui. "Ally to vicious bandits, nightmare to you!"
"You've destroyed our people, burned our crops, and attempted to have your way with our women--"
"Yes," said Pui-Pui sadly. "But none of my pickup lines worked."
"--and now you would destroy what little we have left. Spare us, Pui-Pui! In your evil benevolence, spare us! Do not fire that blast of energy you hold above your head!"
"What, this energy ball thing? I totally forgot I had it there. What was I going to do with this thing again?"
"You were going to destroy our town, remember?"
"Oh, right!" Pui-Pui grinned. "Thanks! I'd forget my own head if it wasn't so damn sexy. Okay, here I go. Pui-Pui Ball Attack!"
"Nooo!" wailed the villager. "You destroyed our town with a ball of energy!"
"And then I shot you with a beam of ki from my finger," added Pui-Pui.
"Really? I don't remember that. UGH!"
Pui-Pui nodded, satisfied. "I'm a real badass."
"In the course of a month I'd destroyed most of the major Pui cities and the rest were finally paying tribute to me, the great Pui-Pui," Pui-Pui continued. "The world was under my control. I truly was the greatest Pui ever to be born. The world built statues of me! Of course, Puis are identical, so they might not have been of me, but I liked to pretend they were. I was practically ruler of the planet. Nobody had ki to match mine! Nobody! Until the day Dabura came and destroyed the rest of the population..."
"FREEZE!" A shadow emerged from the rocks, fingers extended towards Dabura and Babidi. His long white exoskeleton curved around his gleaming yellow eyes, and a silly mouth that seemed fix in a permanent stupid grin. "Are you responsible for the slaughter of millions upon millions of innocent, harmless Pui's?"
"Yes," said Dabura.
"Ah. Well, would you be scared to find out that I am the Great Pui-Pui, Scourge of the Galaxy?"
"No," said Dabura.
"You should be. It may look like I am merely holding my hands in a ridiculous way, but I can in fact shoot energy attacks that would destroy you in an instant!"
"You mean, like this one?" Dabura lifted his hand and fired a ball of sparkling energy that slammed Pui-Pui in the chest and sent him flying into a nearby boulder. It crumbled, burying the bandit underneath a crushing weight of rubble.
---------
"And so it ended," concluded Pui-Pui. "I, the Great Pui-Pui, defeated by Dabura and enlisted to travel with Babidi to ensure the resurrection of Majin Buu. Do not underestimate me! My power is as great as my story is long and boring! You will not find any mercy at my hands!"
Babidi wiped a tear from his big, bulbous eye. "That was a touching story of drama and betrayal, wasn't it, Dabura? Dabura? Wake up! You've fallen asleep on the floor, you fool!"
"The floor?" muttered Dabura, pulling himself to his feet. "Don't you mean the Level Stabilisation Platform?"
Babidi frowned. "I always get the feeling that you're being insubordinate, Dabura. And now, let us see how Pui-Pui deals with these intruders..."