"So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?"

                --Damien Rice

"Hailey, I'm so glad you guys could make it today," Kirsten smiled, embracing her as she stood on the porch with Jimmy.  "It's been so long since you've come over, it's like you're avoiding us."

"You know that's not true, Kirsten," She smiled.  Jimmy had his arm around her shoulder. 

It'd been three weeks since she saw Ryan.  Since she'd spoken his name.  She wasn't the same and her coworkers had even noticed.  She didn't really give a shit about anything anymore.  The most she could manage was pretending that everything was okay.  Jimmy had his arm around her.  But there was barely anything between them now except the sex.  Jimmy seemed satisfied with his weekly visits and they made appearances together at the usual Newport functions but he didn't know that she was lost.  Lost without Ryan.

She didn't want to be here.  She was smiling, teasing Jimmy with her low cut shirt as they walked inside, but she didn't want to be here.  She didn't know if she could handle seeing Ryan.  Three weeks was still too soon. 

She didn't want to pretend that she didn't care about him today.  She wanted to be alone in her apartment where she could wallow in the memory of him.  But she had to make an appearance.  Kirsten was worried about her. 

"What's wrong?  You still not feeling well?" Jimmy asked, concerned.  It wasn't his fault that he was good at his job.  It wasn't his fault that she didn't love him the way he deserved.  He was a good man.  But he wasn't Ryan.

"Nah, I'm fine.  Let's go outside," Hailey said, taking his hand and walking outside.

"Come on, Ryan, you can't stay in there, it's a cook out, thus the word "out", God!" Seth was standing in the opened door of the poolhouse.

"Hey, nephew Seth," Hailey said.  She released Jimmy's hand and started over to him.  Better get it over with.  "What's going on?"

"Well, since Ryan's been back, he's developed this weird allergy to sunlight and he refuses to leave the poolhouse or open the blinds," Seth gave her a hug and waved his arms at the opened doors of the poolhouse. 

"Really?  What's up, kid?" She asked, leaning on Seth as she looked into the poolhouse.  It was tidy, as always, the only thing out of place was Ryan's lean body stretched across the bed. 

"Seth's trying to annoy me to death," He replied, not meeting her gaze.  He had his arms behind his head and his eyes were locked on the ceiling. 

She should have known that he'd have those cold eyes for her.  She turned away with a fake smile.  She'd wanted him to look at her with a need like she felt.  She needed him.  But he wouldn't let himself need her.  He was stronger than her.  He could hide his feelings.  She had to walk away. 

"So how's the kid been?" Jimmy was asking Sandy when she approached him by the barbeque. 

"Ryan?  Oh, he's making it," Sandy replied.  He wouldn't look at Hailey.  He focused on Jimmy.  "He's pretty anti-social but Seth's trying to get him out of it…we take it one day at a time."

"Marissa's not doing so well, either.  She's out of control.  I'm beginning to think Julie was right for suggesting an inpatient place for her," Jimmy replied.  Hailey put a hand on his shoulder. 

"Inpatient?  It's that bad?" Sandy asked.  His gaze flickered to Hailey for an instant.

"Yeah.  She's…she sleeps around, she's always drinking…she's into drugs…and nothing I say seems to get through to her," Jimmy confessed. 

"Sounds like you've tried everything," Sandy nodded.  "I'm sorry, Jimmy."

"Yeah, me, too.  I love her, I just wish I knew how to help her," Jimmy replied. 

Hailey wandered into the kitchen to help Kirsten oversee Rosa's cooking.  They sat side by side at the counter. 

"So where've you been, Hailey?"

"Lazy.  Newport's hell if you're used to the jet set," She answered. 

"Everything okay?  You look down," Kirsten replied.

"I'm okay."

"You're not happy with Jimmy.  We can all see it.  Have you said anything to him?"

Leave it to her sister to point out the huge mistake she'd made.  "I'm not living with him anymore," Hailey replied. 

"But you're still dating…"

"I see him when he has time for me," Hailey whispered.  "He's so busy that he barely has time for anything.  I figured I'd just let it die.  I'm not really interested in anyone else right now and I'd hate to upset him."

"Hailey, you shouldn't lead him on.  Communication is key to a working relationship.  If you care about him, you should be honest," Kirsten replied.  "He cares about you…"

"And I care about him.  Just not the way he deserves…" Hailey said.  Her gaze was locked on the poolhouse.  Seth was still standing in the doorway, talking animatedly.

"Seth and I are doing a lot better," Kirsten said, mistaking her attention.  "We're working things out."

"I'm glad.  What happened?" Hailey needed the distraction. 

"We talked.  I shouldn't have blamed him for needing to get away.  You used to always run from your problems.  Seth didn't feel right being here with Ryan off in Chino.  He didn't understand why Ryan had to leave.  And I didn't understand why Ryan leaving meant he had to leave.  But we talked.  Not me lecturing and him pouting, but we actually talked.  And when our talk turned into an argument, Ryan intervened," Kirsten said quietly. 

"He intervened?"

"He said that we were both being stupid.  He locked us in the poolhouse until we understood each other.  God, we were pissed," Kirsten smiled.  "The whole time, Sandy and Ryan sat on the patio looking at us.  I wanted to kill them."

"But you're both okay now?"

"Yeah.  He's my son.  I was just so hurt that he'd leave me…that I wasn't thinking straight.  So now, our family's back together…"

"What?" Hailey could see something lingering on her sister's face.

"I'm so glad that my family's back together…but Ryan's just so sad and I don't know what to do for him," Kirsten admitted.  "His grief seems to run deeper than his strength, it's like all that's left is sadness…"

Kirsten's words forced the air out of Hailey's lungs.  To hear a mother speak of her son like that was heartbreaking on its own.  But it was breaking Hailey's heart into pieces.  She could make him better.  She could take his pain away. 

But she couldn't. 

"Hailey?"

"I'm going to go check on Jimmy," She said, walking away from her sister.

Kirsten watched her, curiously.

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