I know just how to fake it,

And I know just how to scheme;

I know just when to face the truth,

And then I know just when to dream.

'My mother told me, a few years ago, of JAG's efforts to find my killer after I had faked my death. She told me of Harm's visit to her estate and how he questioned her delicately of who would want to see me dead. I was touched, and mind you, my feelings aren't a banner that I tote around, but, it felt good to know that there were others out there that cared about me.

I was surprised, by the fact, that AJ wanted my killer brought to justice. I have always been a thorn in his side for years, using his people for my ops. He broke my nose because I used Harm and Sarah as pawns in a struggle between General Parlovski and Major Sokol. He probably would have broken my nose, if he could, when I baited him after Harm and Sarah went after Commander Keeter and the stealth jet.

However, it was most surprising to me, when Harm told me of Sarah's breakdown, that I nearly leapt for joy. The woman, who had inhabited my dreams for so long, actually cared about me. She even told Harm that she thought there was something "lovable" about me. I have always loved her from afar. I always figured that she and Harm would get together and that the spy would only get the girl in my dreams. Even though, I have everything money can buy, I couldn't buy Sarah's love. And I didn't think that I would even have a chance with her until I almost got her killed in Paraguay.

I had some self-doubts about taking her there with me but, I didn't know who else to turn to. And besides, what man wouldn't want to spend some "alone" time with Sarah MacKenzie? Well, I didn't get the "alone" time that I had hoped for. I slept in the bed and she slept on the couch. Some married couple we were. And when we did, finally, get some "alone" time, I was mostly in agony from my daily "sessions".

And I know just where to touch you,

And I know just what to prove,

I know when to pull you closer,

And, I know when to let you loose.

' So, when I finally got the nerve to ask her out, it was when I thought that I wasn't going to make it and had to spill my guts about my feelings for her. She gave me a promise, sealed with a kiss, that kept me living until Victor could get me to the nearest hospital. However, it would take eight months of agonizing rehab, on my part, and the jitters for our relationship to progress to the next step. During those eight months, every time I would try to initiate getting closer, she would push me away, by either her attitude or physically. So, I would back off, not wanting to be banished from her life completely. And, though mentally, I wanted to make love to her, I was concerned that, physically, I would be unable to. The torture Sadik put me through, caused my responses to be less than desirable.

It has been a while since I was last with a woman. I will admit that my job seems to preclude that aspect of a relationship. I'm not much into one night stands, so, up until Sarah, I had been taking care of business, the man's way. After rehab, my first few attempts were, uh, failures. That really depressed me. Even thinking of my more steamy dreams of Sarah, which sustained me through my exile to Suriname and later Tierra del Fuego, couldn't raise me to half-staff.

So, imagine my surprise, after coming home from a mission one day, to find a welcome home party for one, in my apartment. As much as I wanted our first time to be slow and memorable, the sensations, that she created, kept egging me on until I exploded. As brief of an encounter we had, I could tell from the look of contentment on Sarah's face, that I had succeeded in pleasuring her'.

And I know the night is fading,

And I know that time's gonna fly;

And I'm never gonna tell you everything

I've got to tell you,

But I know I've got to give it a try.

'Looking back on our last night together, it was a high and low point in our relationship. A high point, because Sarah took the time to prepare me dinner, which she rarely does and our lovemaking. A low point, because I knew that I had to leave that night, to pack for my trip and as well as omitting a few details from her. This is the first time, since we started dating, that I have had to "lie" to her. I made her a promise that I wouldn't lie to her. And, as I was walking out the door, she told me that she loved me, I nearly came close to disclosing to her where I'd be. But, instead, I told her that I was relieved. Looking back, I should have told her that I loved her as well. Now that I am "dead", I wished that I would have said to hell with National Security and told her the truth'.

And I know the roads to riches,

And I know the ways to fame,

'I wished that I had told her the truth about my mission. I know that she worries about me, as does Mother. I wished that I had told her about leaving the Company after this mission. I know that it would have made her happy. My job was a constant sore topic with both of us. I enjoy my job. I'm good at what I do. Sure, it doesn't pay nearly enough, for the risks that I take but, look at what my parents had. Mother is in all the social circles. She has her thumb on the pulse of the comings and goings in Washington. She enjoys the social functions, unlike myself. That was, until after she stopped trying to set me up with every debutante in the city. I know that I was considered "eligible" and, for many a society girl, deemed a great catch. After all, I come from money; I have a great job with the "State Department". What more could a girl ask for? I can't blame my Mother for her desire to see grandchildren before she dies. She wants to ensure that the Webb lineage will continue on. Well, Mother, I got news for you. I don't think that you will get your wish. I am no closer to having children now, than I was twenty years ago'.

I know all the rules

And then I know how to break 'em

And I always know the name of the game.

'My mother's never gonna get grandchildren because I couldn't take a nice, quiet desk job. I had to be where the action was, calling the shots. At one time in my career, I was willing to do whatever it took and consequences be damned. I was a risk taker. I was once the youngest Deputy Director and the Agency's rising star. I knew the players and their weaknesses and I knew how to exploit them. If my conscience pricked me, I would roll over on it by the ends justifying the means.

Some would say that I was ruthless; some even say I have no heart. Sarah had even called me the Tin Man. And at one time, I would be in agreement with that assessment. But, not anymore. The excitement of the kill doesn't thrill me. I have seen too much in my career to be swayed to that side. I still enjoy bringing terrorists and the like down but, I second guess and hesitate more. Alvaro was prime example. Sarah questioned why I shot him. I had to, I had no choice'.

But I don't know how to leave you,

And I'll never let you fall

'No choice? We all have choices and I made mine. I chose my love for Sarah over security. I couldn't stand and watch her go after Victor by herself, so I chose to go with her. And my 'choice' got us both captured. No choice? I chose to let Sadik use me as a lightbulb rather than let him touch Sarah. No choice, you say? I chose to endure Sadik's cruelty, until the choice was taken from me. No choice? I would have chosen differently had I had to do it all over again. This time, Sarah wouldn't have been there. This time, I would have died'.