---- - - - - --- - - - - - - - - ------ -- - --- - -- -- - ------ - - - -- --- -- - - - - -
Seth was pacing. As soon as Ryan had stormed out of the room, he'd started to pace. He'd pushed him away again. He'd failed. All he had to do was come up here and talk his brother into coming home. But he couldn't.
He wondered if he'd lost his chance with Ryan. He'd spent the summer punishing his brother for leaving him. He'd felt abandoned and alone. When he'd returned, his mother would barely speak to him. He'd struggled with losing his mom's attention and it had taken Ryan's tragedy to snap him out of his selfish trance. He'd felt abandoned and alone and he wanted Ryan to stand by him. And Teresa was abandoned and alone, too. She'd needed Ryan much more than Seth had needed him. Seth had been wrong. He knew now that he'd been totally self-absorbed and egotistical. So, he'd been trying to fix things, he'd been trying to get his brother back. He'd watched Ryan sequester himself in the poolhouse, barely speaking after Teresa's death. He'd listened to Ryan's monosyllabic promises that he was fine and okay. In the past, he knew that Ryan would have talked to him. But now…he wondered if it was too late.
He didn't want to lose the only brother he'd ever have.
There was a timid knock on the door. He opened it and was relieved to see Ryan.
"Hey. I forgot my key," Ryan said, walking in.
"You came back."
"Where else would I go?" Ryan muttered, sitting down on the bed.
Seth sat down on the couch. "Ryan…"
"I'm sorry, Seth. You win. I'll come home," Ryan stated flatly.
"It's not a contest, Ryan…"
"I'm really sorry that you came all this way. I'll come back with you. I don't fly, so if you want to see about getting me a bus ticket then…"
"Ryan, stop. Will you stop talking to me like I'm a machine and actually…and actually talk to me?" Seth asked quietly.
Ryan regarded him coldly.
"I know that I…I wasn't here for you before. I'm sorry…"
"You've been apologizing for weeks, its fine…"
"Obviously, it's not fine. You used to be able to talk to me…"
"Seth, I'm drunk. I'm tired. You got what you wanted. Maybe you should go ahead and head back. I need to talk to Luke anyway…"
"Ryan, please…"
Ryan sighed. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one. "What do you want to know?"
"Are you always going to hate me?"
"I don't hate you."
"Then…"
"We're friends…"
"Family."
Ryan blinked. "I guess family means different things to different people."
"Ryan…"
"I would do anything for you, Seth. If you ever need help, if you ever need a friend, you know that I will be there in a heartbeat. I'm sorry that I'm not saying what you want me to hear…"
"I just want you to talk to me, to talk to someone so…"
"So what? So you can see how fucking much I hate my life right now? So you can tell me how much I've failed, how much of a fuck up I am? I don't want to talk, Seth, I don't need to talk, it isn't going to change anything. It isn't going to change the fact that Teresa is dead, our baby is dead or the fact that I betrayed your family by sleeping with your aunt. I cannot take back anything from the past few months. I would've thought that out of everyone, you would have understood why I had to leave…" Ryan paused but ignored Seth's stricken face. "I feel like I can't breathe there…the only thing keeping me sane was your mom and your dad…but if you had seen Kirsten's face after Jimmy hit me…it was like…it was like I had killed her…"
"Ryan…"
"She shouldn't have to forgive me, I shouldn't have hurt her…I had to leave, Seth…"
Seth didn't know how to respond, he hadn't expected Ryan to say so much, it was more than he'd said in weeks.
"I'm going to bed," Ryan muttered after a long pause. Seth knew he'd missed his window to counsel Ryan. But at least now he knew where to start. It was a start. He settled onto the couch and Ryan passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow.
---- - - - - --- - - - - - - - - ------ -- - --- - -- -- - ------ - - - -- --- -- - - - - -
"So you're going back," Luke said quietly. He was sitting on the balcony of his room with Ryan. Seth had fallen asleep on the couch and Ryan hadn't woken him when he walked over to Luke's room. Ryan was smoking a cigarette.
"Yeah. I guess I have to."
"What are you going to do?"
"I have no fucking idea. What are you going to do?"
"I have less idea than you," Luke sighed.
"Well, let's think about this. You hate it here, right?"
Luke nodded.
"So you're basically just twiddling your fucking thumbs and spending your dad's money, right?"
"Sort of," He muttered.
"Then why not come back to Newport? I mean, if your dad gives you all this money just to keep you out of his hair, then why can't you stay out of his hair in Newport? You could see your brothers, see your mom…"
"Damn, Ryan, I can't go back there."
"Why not? Marissa…she's not exactly at the height of the social scene anymore from what I hear," Ryan replied quietly.
"What do you mean?"
"She's…she's sort of got a reputation now. She still goes to all the parties and everything, but…but she's a druggie…and she's pretty promiscuous, too."
"Damn."
"I don't think it'd be that big of a deal if you came back. I mean, you're seventeen. If you drop out of school now, you won't be able to go to college and you'll be stuck with your dad forever. You have to be proactive," Ryan said.
"What the hell are you talking about? This from the kid that hasn't left his poolhouse except to make a run for it to Portland? You're telling me to be proactive?" Luke snorted. "Man, I appreciate your advice, I really do, but…when the hell are you going to snap out of this funk?"
"I don't know, Luke…It's like…" Ryan sighed and took a long drag off his cigarette. "It's like there's nowhere that I fit anymore. I can't be with Hailey, Teresa…she's dead and I don't even have a family of my own anymore…"
"Man, the Cohens…"
"Are great. But they don't deserve to be dragged down into my issues…"
"That's what family is for, to pull you out when you get dragged down…"
"I don't know, Luke. But Seth came here to get me. Sandy and Kirsten are begging me to come back…"
Luke was studying Ryan's face curiously. "But you aren't going back for them, are you?"
"Hailey. She promised me that things would be okay."
"You trust her."
"I think so."
"You should. If she…if she cares about you like you care about her…"
"Luke, she's Kirsten's sister. You think we could date? Go out in public? Hell, no. Never," Ryan replied. "We can't."
"Ryan…"
"I came here because I needed to pull myself together. I have to figure out who I am now…without Teresa…without Hailey…"
"What about the Cohens…"
Ryan was quiet for a long moment. "I wouldn't have made it without them, Luke."
Luke nodded.
"My parents…they were never there for me. I learned that the only person I could depend on for help was me. Trey helped when he could, but more often than not, I was the one that was helping him. So, when the Cohens came for me…I've never had family that cared about me like that."
"You deserve it."
"And I fucked them. I slept with Hailey."
"Ryan, you're not perfect. None of us are."
"You should kick my ass. I gave you hell for fucking Julie Cooper and…"
"Shit, man. Hormones are a bitch," Luke sighed. "So. You're going back."
"Yeah. I am."
"It was nice having you around, man," Luke said, shaking his hand.
"You should think about coming back. Seriously."
"I have been thinking about it," Luke sighed.
"Well, give me a call, Luke. Thanks for inviting me out," Ryan nodded.
"Call me when you get home, okay? The Cohens aren't the only ones worried about you."
Ryan gave Luke the finger and they both laughed.
---- - - - - --- - - - - - - - - ------ -- - --- - -- -- - ------ - - - -- --- -- - - - - -