AN: I really wanted it to be easy. Honestly. But the characters don't do what I tell them to. They insist on making this difficult. Anyway. I stole an idea from a reviewer about Ryan hitchhiking. Why not? BTW: I have no idea how long it takes to get from Newport to Portland. I think Portland is in Oregon which is on the same side of the country as California. That's the extent of my geographical knowledge. I hope the story is still readable despite my ignorance.

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Ryan woke up to the sound of voices.

"He's been asleep a while, Sandy. Since I first got here. I'm hoping he'll still be willing to talk to me when he wakes up," Kirsten was saying quietly.

He didn't want to talk anymore. He'd been upset since he checked in, he'd drank all the way from Portland, hitching rides with truckers. He'd gotten in a couple of fights but he'd made it back relatively intact. And he didn't know why he'd called Kirsten.

He'd been weak for a moment. He'd needed someone to hold him, someone to tell him that he was special, that he wasn't worthless. He'd needed a mother for a moment. His own mother had never comforted him, she'd only told him what he already knew. That he was a fuck up. He shouldn't have called Kirsten. She wasn't his mother, she was Seth's mother.

He should have known that it would escalate. Now Sandy was here. He was long overdue for a lecture. He didn't want to be lectured, he just wanted to be left alone.

But he didn't want that either. He was so torn.

Teresa was dead. The baby was dead.

And he'd ruined the one good thing in his life. He'd fucked up his life with the Cohens because of a fling. Because of Hailey.

But she wasn't a fling. He wished she was just a fling but he knew that he had feelings for her. And she had feelings for him. It definitely wasn't a fling.

"You said he was drinking?" Sandy's voice was gentle.

He'd done so much for Ryan and all he'd done was hurt his family. He'd taken his charity, his love and support and hurt his family. Seth hated him. Well, he said he didn't hate him anymore, but after the past few months of his barbs pelting into him, he couldn't accept that. Seth's anger came from somewhere and despite his change of heart, those feelings were still there. Kirsten…he'd betrayed her. He'd slept with her sister. And Sandy...he hadn't been his protégée. He'd been his disappointment. He was so torn. He didn't think it was possible for him to put himself back together again.

Kirsten's hand brushed across his forehead. "He's so tired. I just want him to be okay, Sandy."

Ryan couldn't let her comfort him anymore. He didn't deserve it. He opened his eyes.

"Hey, kid. How're you feeling?" Sandy smiled at him. He was clearly relieved that Ryan was back and safe.

"Okay."

"Sandy called and I told him I was here. I hope that's okay."

"It's fine," He said, sitting up. His head hurt. He needed a drink.

Kirsten seemed upset by Ryan's mood. "Honey…"

"Don't. I shouldn't have called you, I'm sorry," Ryan said immediately. He couldn't take her kind words. He started to stand up.

"I won't let you shut me out again," Kirsten replied, pulling him into a hug before he could push her away. He didn't want this, he didn't need this…but he finally relaxed into her embrace. "You're shaking…"

"I…"

"Ryan, we're going to help you. But you have to let us," Sandy said quietly. He patted Ryan on his back, standing beside his wife and foster son.

"What do you want me to do?" He whispered, not letting go of Kirsten.

"We want you to come home and let us take care of you," She whispered. "You're our son, you're a part of our family and we want you home."

"Will you come home?" Sandy asked.

He nodded with his eyes closed.

"Will you let us help you?" Kirsten whispered.

He nodded again. "I don't know if you can…but I'll try…"

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Seth was on the phone with Luke when his parents returned. Hailey was in the poolhouse, brooding.

"Yeah, they found him, Luke and they were with him when I talked to them last. I don't know how he is, I haven't seen him. I'll tell him that you called, okay? Thanks." Seth set the phone back on the stand and turned to see his father by the counter.

"Hey, Dad…"

"Hey, man," Ryan's voice startled him and he jumped.

"Hey…Luke just called for you. He's worried," Seth said.

"Yeah. Thanks."

"Ryan, when's the last time you ate something?" Kirsten asked, giving Seth a slight hug as she entered.

"Um…" Ryan hesitated.

"Rosa made lasagna last night, we'll put some in the oven for you," Sandy said immediately.

"And I'll make some coffee while you get a glass of juice," Kirsten said before he could respond.

Seth and Ryan were looking at each other nervously. Seth's face had flushed to a bright red.

"You still want to hit me?" Seth asked quietly.

"Yeah," Ryan replied evenly. Sandy and Kirsten turned, startled. Seth hadn't confided to them about the argument between himself and Ryan. Ryan smiled after a tense moment. "I'm kidding."

"Oh. Oh, yeah?" Seth replied nervously.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, Seth. I'm a little…off," Ryan admitted. "I appreciate you coming after me…"

"I'm sorry, too. For everything," Seth whispered.

"I know. It's cool," Ryan replied. He turned to face Kirsten and Sandy and they immediately restarted working on their tasks. "I'm going to go drop my bags off…"

"Where's Hailey?" Kirsten directed at Seth as Ryan carried his duffle through the doors onto the patio.

"Oh. She's in the poolhouse…" Seth realized. Kirsten started to go after Ryan but Sandy stopped her.

"He can handle it. Give them a few minutes," Sandy said.

"Really? You think he can handle it?" She asked.

"Yeah. He's…he's hit bottom. He'll be okay."

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"I've got a photo booth picture
It reminds me of something you said to me
If everything you want is so far out of reach
If everything you want is so far out of reach
Move a little closer to me…"
 7 Mary 3

Ryan walked into the poolhouse and dropped his bag by the door. He'd made it through the hard part. He was home. No matter how bad he felt, how guilty he was, this was his home. It was the only place he felt comfortable anymore. He started for the bathroom but stopped cold. Hailey was asleep on top of his bed.

She looked so peaceful. Safe. She was beautiful. The feelings he'd been trying to ignore for the past few weeks rushed back to the surface. He loved her. More than Marissa. More than Teresa. More than any woman he'd ever been with. She understood him. She listened to him. She didn't judge him, she didn't treat him like a kid, she didn't abandon him.

He sat down silently beside her on the bed, careful not to wake her. He just wanted to look at her. He reached out his hand but hesitated a few inches from her face. He shouldn't touch her. It wasn't right.

"Ryan?" Her eyes were open when he pulled his hand away.

"Hey."

"Hey…you okay?"

"Not really."

"Oh. Well, at least you're honest," She smiled, sitting up.

He didn't reply. He had so many things that he wanted to say to her, so many things that he needed to tell her, but he didn't say anything.

"Hey," She murmured, taking his hand and squeezing it. "You're home now. It'll be okay."

He nodded.

"Talk to me. How'd you get here?"

"Kirsten and Sandy came to the hotel where I was staying."

"How'd you get there?"

"I hitched."

"From Portland?" She gasped. "God, that's so dangerous…"

"I'm fine. I just needed to clear my head," He whispered.

"I'm so glad you came back…" She said, wrapping him in her arms before he could react. She buried her head into his chest as he raised his arms to return her hug. "I missed you so much, and I was so worried, you're hurting so much and there's nothing I can do…"

"Hey…stop it, okay?"

"I can't…" She had tears streaming down her face, soaking his shirt. "You're too important to Kirsten and Sandy and Seth, you're too fucking important to me and I don't care if we can't be together, as long as you're here and you're safe…"

"Hailey…"

She kissed him. She had to show him how much she meant to him. She kissed him, exploring his mouth and holding his face tightly so he wouldn't pull away. He was pushed to the bed as she kissed him desperately.

"Hailey, stop…we can't…" He protested but she silenced him with her mouth. She kissed him.

He was pinned underneath her but he finally regained his senses and pulled away. "No, Hailey, I can't do this…"

"Ryan…"

"No. I just got back, I can't…I can't do this, I just can't…" He stood up and closed the bathroom door behind him.

Hailey wiped her face but she couldn't get the taste of him out of her mouth. She shouldn't have followed her instinct. He didn't need her like that right now. He needed her to be his friend. She went to the door and pushed it open.

He was leaning over the sink, breathing shallowly.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, honey, let's get you cleaned up, okay? Is Kirsten making dinner because I can call ahead and get the takeout started," She said, stepping inside and pushing him to sit on the closed toilet.

He opened his mouth to speak but she didn't give him the chance. She gently wiped his face with a washcloth and was surprised to see that his face was swollen.

"Did you get into a fight? Oh, Ryan, you and your impulse control problem," She scolded as she walked out of the bathroom and went to the shelves and got a shirt for him. "Let's see the damage," She said, pulling his shirt off before he could protest.

"I'm not hurt. Luke and I got into a brawl in Portland a few days ago," Ryan said quietly, taking the shirt from her hands and pulling it on again. He kept his voice low. He was still shaking.

"Oh. Okay. Well, let's get you inside so Kirsten and I can hover over you…"

"I can't do this," He stated slowly.

"What?"

"I can't…I can't do this."

"Oh." She still wasn't sure about what he was talking about.

"We can't be together," He said slowly. "And I don't know if I can even be around you if I can't be with you. I'm not strong enough…"

"Don't worry about any of that now, honey…" She reached out and put her hand on his arm and he flinched. She paled. He'd never recoiled from her touch before.

"I am so fucked up," He murmured, distantly. "I went to Chino to be with Teresa, to take care of her, to be with her…and I ended up spending all my free time here, with you…and I didn't love her, I didn't take care of her and now she's dead…and you…what the hell are we doing?" His blue eyes searched her face for an answer, for a solution.

"Comfort. I needed you and you were there for me…"

"I can't be there for anyone, Hailey…I…I don't know what to do…I feel like I'm being torn into pieces and there's nothing left…" He whispered.

"No, Ryan, no…"

"I mean…I promised Teresa that I'd be the father of her baby…and the whole time…I couldn't even touch her…I drove her to Eddie…"

"No, you didn't, Ryan, listen to me." She kneeled beside him. "You did everything that you possibly could for her. It wasn't your fault…"

He shook his head. "Can I have a few minutes? I'll be right in…"

"Ryan, we're friends, please talk to me…"

"I can't. I just can't, Hailey…I…" He shook his head. She stood up and walked out of the room. He closed the door behind her.

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