Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin and its characters belongs to Watsuki Nobuhiro, Shonen Jump, Sony, and other associated companies. This fic is not intended to make profit of any kind.
First of all, I'm not a native speaker. If you find me lacking in the literary elegance or grammatical area, I'm sorry. I'd be glad to hear helping hints, though. Critiques without pointing solutions as well as flames (critiques and flames are two different things, just in case you didn't know it) will serve to fuel my stove. Here, in Argentina, we are in winter and in addition, under a shortage of gas. And therefore, they will be greatly appreciated. grins
Well , finally, here the lemon... Yes, I like lemons, yes, I write them, so bite me. Of course, here is the clean version. I won't break the rules, no matter that I really am against them, and I have very sound reasons to think so.
Anyway, I want to believe that my lemons aren't just mere descriptions of a mechanical, instinctual act (nothing wrong with it, it's just that I write simply that). I always put a great effort and extreme care to make them coherent with the characters' psyche, and with the rest of the plot. It's not sex for the mere morbid excitation. It has to do with the human part that I like to reflect in these beings of ink and paper. I'd recommend those of age, to go to Mediaminer.org or adultfanfiction.net (look for the links in my bio), and read the complete chapter to understand fully the dynamics of this pairing's emotional connection. This version has been heavily edited, and I only left the strictly necessary for the minors and lemon-free readers' benefit. Having said this, here is the chapter. (I'll post the links in my bio, just in case this causes nightmares as it causes to me)
N/A: I'd greatly appreciate that in case you read the lemon at other sites and you want to review, but have to do it just in one place, review it in ff net. Of course, the ideal would be that those who review, did it in both places, but, if you have to choose… Thank you.
Chapter 3: Kokoro no oni ga mi wo semeru
The body is tortured only by the demon of the spirit.
Somewhere along the day, uneasiness and awkwardness had turned into companionable understanding. The words spoken and the facts hinted had allowed a rare insight into each other's being, and both realized they had more things in common than they had dared to believe before.
Slowly but surely, their bodies became warm. And after they had replenished their reserves with food and water, they laid back down amid the furs, hoping to find a measure of peace that could only come with rest. Though there was no longer a real need to lie in each other's arms anymore, they still found themselves together, their limbs entangled. No, there was no true reason for them to lie this way. And yet, neither Enishi nor Megumi seemed really inclined to acknowledge this and let go of each other.
In Megumi's case, this was especially true. Despite the uneasy beginnings, her short, yet insightful glimpses into this anguished soul had dissolved the knots of fear and anxiety lingering inside of her own spirit. Somehow, Megumi understood how lost and empty he felt; and while she laid there beside him, she quietly contemplated her discoveries, trying to fashion back together all the bits and pieces of his complex personality that he had allowed her to see.
It was a strange thing to think about; how one person could become connected by the threads of pain and loneliness. She had always assumed that her journey would be a lonesome one. It was surprising, indeed, to find a similar pilgrim struggling along the same isolated path, to realize that for the first time in a very long time, she was no longer alone, and someone could understand her burden.
A shiver coursed through her body, and she snuggled closer to him, savoring the contact. It had been such a long time since she had found such comfort, the barriers of past fears and deep loss still lingering inside. And as she drew even closer, she couldn't help but wonder, whether this enigmatic man could be feeling the same way, that he too, had found a measure of comfort in the contact.
Somehow, the strangeness of finally recovering some measure of delight at human closeness through his company did not go unnoticed by her. It was almost ironic, considering that just six years before, she had considered him as a dreaded enemy.
Yet, unbelievably, he, of all people, was one of the few able to get an insight and actually understand her. Understand, and not judge, not pity, not loathe nor patronize. Paradoxically, only this same man's nemesis, the same that had saved her, was the other human being capable of the same feat.
His inference over her days working for Takeda had been a hard slap over her own self righteous position towards him. It had been, as well, an eye-opener as to how much he had grown up since the days he had put Ken-san under his ruthless retaliation. Of course, he could not comprehend all she went through, but even if it was not a complete understanding, it was enough.
A comforting feeling swept over her when his hand began, almost absentmindedly, to stroke her arms, wrapped around his waist. It just was a light touch, but his obvious awkwardness filled her with tenderness. It felt so different when compared to her memories of being defiled and used in the past that she responded almost instinctively, burrowing her face closer against his nape, seeking the comfort that his presence had brought to her so unexpectedly.
"I don't want to go back."
At first, she thought she had imagined the sound of his voice, so soft had he spoken. But then, he repeated the sentence. Megumi knew also that he was fully awake, so she could not attribute his words to a random sleeping talk. She was intrigued to say the least, so she asked, "Why do you say this?"
Enishi didn't answer immediately; he just turned around and he looked at her fully in the face. His eyes, oh his eyes. It was the first time she saw this otherwise powerful, arrogant man so naked, so vulnerable. Stormy seas full of endless sadness, there was an unfathomable pain and despair hidden inside them that choked her. She knew that look; she had faced it in the mirror everyday since she learned she would never be able to look in the eyes of her family again with a clear conscience. She simply could not stand it. The little lost boy he had been, the pained grown man he was now, showing her through his gaze, that like her, he was still suffering.
"Because, when we get back, everything will be again as it was before." he whispered, closing his eyes and sighing.
And then, like a thunderbolt, realization hit her. He simply did not want to be alone anymore, but he knew nevertheless that life and circumstances would eventually separate them, and they would have to bend to fate.
"Hardly. After what has been said here, nothing will be the same ever again." She tried to assure him, and herself at the same time, hearing her own voice reflecting what her mind had discovered not so long ago. However, his eyes talked of the jaded skepticism of someone tired of waiting for an answer to his pleas.
She was far too familiar with such dark thoughts, for she had, too, been alone and lost in despair, with everyone turning their backs on her for too long to not recognize the telltale signs of surrender in his eyes. She had friends, at least, even when they lived far away and had their own lives that did not included her. He had no one besides his dying father, and after his demise, he'd be alone as she once was. So she did what should be done: she tendered him a bridge.
"You know, it's not a secret that you are a prick sometimes, and once in a while you really deserve a good, old fashioned slap. But I took a fancy for someone like you before, so you could say I'm kind of used to dealing with such idiocy. I might as well do another exception, and add you in my book. W hat do you say to that, Enishi-kun, mmn?"
During a fleeting moment, wonderment, and an infinite gratefulness laced with an endearing embarrassment seemed to pour out of his confused gaze. And not without surprise she realized, for first time, that he was showing himself to her like the Enishi that Tomoe and their father loved and protected. Buried deep inside, far from the ruthless assassin he had been and the jaded penitent in search of a forgiving smile he was now, there was still a hurting human being mourning the only thing he had ever craved -- affection and acceptance.
And then, she simply couldn't help but succumb to the craziest impulse...
O
Beneath the wistful smile and the mask of sarcasm covering her words, there was no pity, like he had seen in Kamiya's face once, the light of true acceptance shining in her eyes.
"If you indeed decide to leave, you should know that you will always have a friend and a place to stay when you pass through Aomori," she added quietly, lowering her gaze for a brief moment.
Then something else happened. His own eyes went wide with surprise when her finely shaped fingers fleetingly touched his cheek in a delicate show of tenderness. It was unexpected, undeserved, but so exhilarating to be close to someone, to someone who knew, and yet did not turn her back on him in disgust and revulsion. Moreover, the sensation went beyond that. With not a little surprise, he had to admit that it felt extremely good to be close to her in particular.
Enishi found his own hand covering hers soon enough, as per its own volition, while the other mirrored hers, and went beyond, his thumb tracing the perfect curve of Megumi's delicate, tempting lips. She widened her eyes, but made no gesture to remove her hand from his face in rejection, and before he could think of what he was doing, he leaned forward and kissed her, in a chaste, ethereal touch, a mere brush of their lips.
When he retreated, he looked at her squarely in her face, searching for any signs of disgust. There were none. He lost himself in her beautiful, haunted eyes that shone with golden reflections from the fire. There were confusion and doubts in them, and beneath that, loneliness and emptiness that clamored to be quenched.
As much as in my own, that's for sure.
She had hid it well, under the pile of work she usually was immersed under, the teasing, the laughs and the walls of irony and acid remarks of her witty tongue. But it was clear that work and distant friends didn't fill the void in her life. There were things encased in one's heart that could not be shared, except with those who knew how it felt to fall from grace.
Her pale skin glowed magnificently in perfect contrast with the sea of black tresses enveloping her frame. Even being disheveled as she was, she was the pure and unadulterated epitome of beauty to him.
But as much as he wanted to lose himself in her, it was not his right to act upon his wish.
O
What was she doing? What was she thinking? Why wasn't she screaming at the top of her lungs and running out of the place?
He. Had. Kissed. Her.
Softly, chastely, but kissed her nevertheless.
In other circumstances, she would have probably tried (vainly, knowing the kind of strong and fast warrior he was) to have his balls for the boldness. She would not be touched against her will ever again. Never, ever.
But was it against her will this time? Megumi was not sure anymore, she simply was a maze of confused thoughts and battling emotions. She was tired of being alone, tired of remaining enclosed in the security of her hidden sanctuary, but at the same time, she was scared. She had been hurt too much, and for too long to trust. Could she put her faith in this man, even for a short while, for the brevity of a casual encounter, to make her feel alive again? Could she simply surrender to her need for the warmth of another's human touch?
What she saw in his eyes made all the difference. He was undeniably looking at her with the eyes of a man, but also with the eyes of someone as lonely as she was. In addition, he did not intend to use her. He was too open and vulnerable himself at that point, lying emotionally naked in front of her. And for a man like him, with his past, that meant to put a lot of trust on her shoulders.
But there was something even more important; it was plain to see and feel that the one thing that this man wanted and needed was the same thing that he was offering to her, a ragged bout of affections. Why did not she feel like it was bad?
Her head was spinning with heady sensations she had never felt before. It did not feel bad at all…just…just right.
He still covered her hand with his, but it was a contact loose enough to allow her to retreat it if she wanted to, a sign that told her that he wanted her to know that it was she who controlled the situation. Nobody had given her such a chance ever before.
The electrifying feel of his mouth over hers left a phantom trail behind, and she could not help but touch her lips. It felt good, really good. Rarely had she been 'kissed', and never with such delicacy. She shuddered, rapidly burying the images resurfacing in her mind.
He registered her reaction and frowned, a look of concern passing through his expressive eyes. He pulled the furs closer to her frame, and then started to roll on his side, as to give her some space again.
Megumi widened her eyes, realizing he had mistaken her reaction to her old memories for rejection.
She had to make a decision, and fast. She still could close her eyes, roll on her side and keep herself covered by the safe blanket of loneliness, but did she want to?
O
After she had touched her lips where he had brushed them, and her subsequent reaction, he had resigned him to her refusal, something he had half expected, given who he was, and what he represented to her. Besides, the obvious abuse she had suffered at Takeda's hands had surely made her wary and suspicious of any man's touch and motives. All in all, her rejection would have been not her fault; it was just as things stood between them. It was enough of a prize to have been granted the privilege of her friendship. He would simply roll on his side, and would forget all about it, and the event would never be mentioned again between them.
Before he could turn his back completely, her hand clasped his shoulder so tightly, demanding his attention, that he rolled to face her again. She hovered over him for a second, until her lips were upon his, replaying his previous deed on her. One of his hands went to her head, while he kissed her back, softly, briefly, reassuringly. She pressed her forehead against his, and he had the chance to drink in all her beauty. Their lips met again and this time, he was bolder, his hand pressing lightly on her nape, nibbling and teasing her bottom lip. She gasped and he took advantage to explore the insides of her mouth in a languorous, sensuous kiss.
It was obvious for her awkward actions that she had never been properly kissed before, or treated like a woman should. The marks he had seen earlier revealed a sad tale, one he had witnessed before, and made him understand her previous hesitation. He thought he would make sure she did not regret her trust.
While he rolled on his side, his mouth never leaving hers, his free arm found its path to her waist, bringing her closer to him. She merely yielded to his onslaught, her hands clenching and unclenching over his shoulders nervously.
O
His breath was warm against her skin, his closeness and the caresses of his mouth disturbing, arousing in her things she had never felt before. She was trembling, unsure of what she should do next. A calloused thumb brushed under her jaw ever so gently, tilting her chin up until their eyes met. He remained still, not making more advances, his eyes locked in hers, allowing her an unrestricted view to his now vulnerable self in that open gaze. It was so clear…he was just waiting, waiting for her. And she finally made her decision.
O
When Megumi rose in her place and sat down, he watched her, mildly confused, but he had a clear answer when she started to take off the naga-juban[i] she had rescued earlier from the row of drying clothes.
He straightened up by her side, helping her trembling hands, the silk pooling around her, while he murmured in open admiration at the sight revealed now freely to his eyes. Enishi trailed soft kisses on her neck, shoulders and her back, making her gasp in what he noticed was surprised delight.
After they finished undressing her, and Megumi was fully exposed to his view, he found her blushing, her hands quivering, folded tentatively in her lap. It was obvious that she had never had done this before, at least not willingly. He had caught sight of her repressing the urge to cover her exposed skin a couple of times; he found her coyness endearing.
Her sudden shivering and the goose bumps on her skin made him aware of the coldness around them again, rapidly forgotten in front of the picture of sheer beauty that was the lady in front of him.
He pulled her down with him to lie side by side again, wrapping the furs around them once again, to protect them from the outer chill. The action also seemed to ease her self-consciousness and hesitancy a bit, and timidly, her arm found its way around his waist. He did not need any more encouragements, and wrapped her in a tight embrace, his lips seeking her mouth again.
Slowly, Megumi started to kiss him back, leaving behind her passiveness bit by bit; he knew at that moment that she would accompany him in that trip until the very end.
O
Slowly but steadily, all her weariness and hesitation was vanishing. Surprise and wonder arose in her when she understood that the electrifying sensation, the fire running down her veins was her own want.
Wizard or demon, she did not know what he was nor what kind of spell he had weaved on her to make her feel like this, and truth be told, it didn't matter to her anymore, either. But one thing was certain: Enishi had made the world outside the cabin and its concerns, past and present, disappear.
All that mattered to her at that point was here and now, letting that fiery passion that was crawling under their skins consumed her.
She dismissed the rational part of her brain that clamored for her to stop, to run away from that man, from the promise of tattered remains that would be left of her after their affair. But somehow, she didn't care anymore.
Megumi arched against him, looking for even greater closeness, the need aroused in her clamoring to be quenched. For once, she wanted to know how it was, how it felt, without reservations, without fears, without pain.
And if anything else, her companion of loneliness was offering her just that, such a precious gift, a jewel that had been stolen from her, and she had thought lost forever, and just for that, and for his unexpected tenderness, he deserved her gratitude.
Just for this night
She indeed wanted to be lost in the warmth of his breath, in the silkiness of his hands' caresses, the muskiness of his skin, the heavenly shelter his eyes promised.
Just for this night.
Her heart ached for the balm of the company he offered, the refuge of his arms against the ever-present solitude, even for just one brief interlude. They could deal later with what tomorrow would bring; but for today they both needed to be held, a tad of affection, and someone who simply cared a little bit.
Pouring a mixture of tenderness and passion over her body and soul, Enishi was opening a world she had thought she had no right to experience, a world where she melted and burned and soared the heavens, all at once. Through his reverent, gentle touch and gestures, Megumi found out what it meant to be simply, wonderfully the woman she had been denied to be in her painful past.
Megumi held onto him as if her life depended on it; in a way, it did it. She needed for once to lose herself, to feel alive, and for a fleeting moment, to fill the void. And he was offering that elusive piece of heaven to her, even if briefly.
When Enishi finally let go of her mouth, all puffy and swollen, her breath came in irregular gasps, and she felt light-headed, the heady fog of desire enveloping her senses. Shivers of surprised delight coursed through her body when his fingers trailed lazily over her ribs and down her sides. Soft gasps escaped her mouth with each small bite and graze of his teeth and swirl of his tongue over the exposed skin of her neck and collarbone. Somewhere during the exchange, her hands had tousled his unruly hair, burrowing his face closer, and from there, they took pleasure in wandering on his back.
Delicious tremors of anticipation coursed through her spine when Enishi moaned his approval at her bolder explorations. The gesture caused him to pull her closer and she yielded eagerly to his now demanding embrace.
Megumi half closed her eyes, looking at him in full detail. He was soft and wild, fire and snow, all at once, and suddenly, she found she wanted more.
O
After the vivifying assault of passion, she woke up to reality little by little. Enishi was still on top of her, his head resting on her chest, while he panted heavily. Megumi wrapped him in a loose embrace with one of her arms, while she removed the wet bangs clinging to his forehead, hiding his eyes. He simply looked at her, smiled and closed his lids, returning her embrace with his own. She kissed the top of his head, and he sighed contentedly.
They knew they' have to separate, but neither of them seemed to want it. For in a way, they knew that that would mean the beginning of a deeper parting. So, they laid there, clinging to each other, until sleep took over them.
O
Started:14-04-2004
Finished: 17-05-2004
First revision: 18-05-2004 Second revision: 23-06-2004 Third revision: 29-06-2004
First Posted:1-07-2004
My total and complete gratitude to MightyMightyMunson, OddDoll (AFF net), Naniris(AFF net), Yokaze Koujin (AFF net), Kamorgana, Mary Ann and Mara Amber for their helpful comments and hints, their INVALUABLE help in Beta-reading, editing and correcting this chapter.
There is an explanation about my style, and certain choices I made, helped by my beta's, in my LJ. The person concerned about the awkwardness and forced tone of my writing should give it a look. It's an explanation and not an attempt of discussion, or anything like this.
Answers to the readers, in my LJ. Remember, username: tiger(low dash)consort, or revise my bio for the link.
AN: This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs License. To view a copy of this license, visit http:creativecommons.org / licenses / by-nc-nd / 2.0 / or send a letter to Creative Commons, 559 Nathan Abbott Way, Stanford, California 94305, USA. (to learn more about what this means and why I include it, read my LJ)
[i] Underkimono, sometimes consists of two pieces.