Running Away From Me

I knew the words were wrong as they escaped my mouth. I saw blind pain cloud her eyes...and then I saw the hatred set in...Those chartreuse eyes of hers were burning with anger and hurt and I half expected them to turn red. Expected her to go for my throat...instead she went for my face. Her open-handed slap sent me reeling and for a moment little fuzzy teddy bears in pink tutus were dancing around my head. Waving them away I saw her blurry shape running away from me. She was running away...from me. That was a first. I shook myself; dazed and then lurched after her. My feet pounding on the pavement as I imagined myself a stream-lined jet...even water. That's right...a tsunami...Poseidon's great hand reaching out to grasp at some fleeting object. And that object was Faye.

I stopped for breath...inhaled deeply...and then it began. I knew I'd been a bastard but God...I couldn't let the woman on to me. I'd been watching her for some time now...wondering why she'd saved me. And why I had lived instead of died as I had so craved. I still do not know why I am alive...I didn't have a reason to be with Julia dead. So Faye saved my life...so what? Did I ask for her to do that? Did I ask her to bring me to that hospital where all those doctors poked and prodded me for hours on end; deciding if I should live or die or become another organ donor...thingy? Yeah, so I'm being a ridiculous bastard I'm allowed that much aren't I? Who's been shot up with bullets and all kinds of drugs that most of humanity hadn't even heard of? Who's lost the god damn eyeball, huh? Me, me, me, me fuckin' me! I've earned the right to whine about my problems...after all; women are interested in FEELINGS aren't they? Well, there ya go. Nice fresh feelings out of the oven and into a large bonfire that wouldn't stop burning up my chest inside and out.

It hurts almost too much to think about all the things that have happened to me, granted but someone has to think about it. I'm not a coward...I'm not a pacifist...I'm not a murderer...okay, okay so maybe...maybe I am but isn't everyone their own personal monster beast of burden? It feels like I've been carrying ten Bebops on my back for all these years. I've had some kooky-ass adventures here with Jet, Faye, Ed, and Ein...they have become my surrogate family. Sure, Faye's an annoying, stealing, free-loader who eats my food and wears my shirts but she's become different lately. Maybe we're all finally growing up...or maybe I'm just becoming more attentive because I'm not so 'fixated' upon Julia. I loved that woman you know, I loved her so much I sometimes didn't know why. She took me in like a stray dog and maybe that was all it was but...no...she was an extraordinary woman. But I've been around two of her kind all this time and I haven't really noticed.

Edward was this weird little kid that used to follow me around and ask me about fifty million questions...tireless. She always wanted to know what I was doing and why I was doing it. Soon enough I answered her without thinking about it...it was past annoying. And now that I've noticed that they're gone I kind of...miss them. Her and that weirdo dog, Ein. I swear the two of them could take over the world. Especially that silly mutt. He's pretty cool for a dog. Alright, alright I won't take that long trip down memory lane with those two because then I'll get all sappy. Can't afford that now can I?

I can, however, afford to take a short trip down memory lane with all the crap that's been happening between me and Faye. Maybe if I recount it to you it won't seem Maybe I'll finally get everything straight but nothing seems to get through this thick skull of mine...except maybe the concept of food. Never mind, I'm getting off-subject again. I can't help it if I keep wandering...my mind just drags me in about three million directions at one time...later on when I get to sleep it all comes zooming back into my skull. Gah! There I go again. Okay...now...on subject!

When I was going after Vicious the only thing I could see were my feet in front of me...everything was red otherwise. I was so angry that I couldn't even think straight...all I knew was rage and indignation that the bastard had triumphed over me and had taken something precious away. I didn't like that. Nope, didn't like it one bit. In fact, I didn't like it so much that I was already visualizing myself torturing him...making him taste his own blood before cutting his tongue out...watching him scream and choke and sputter. I felt like the rabid dog that Vicious often described us as...and that day I was. I was a monster and I always have been, always will be. It felt as though the control I'd had, had just snapped in two and that every rational thought had gone down in a tsunami of regrets and memories. The memories were enough to almost cripple me. ME, Spike Spiegel for chrissakes!

I lied to Faye when I told her that I wasn't going to Vicious to die...I think just about everybody knows that. I wanted to die...and I think even she saw through that one...why else would she come after me and rescue me? Why else? All I could think about was killing him...but not before letting him get off a fatal shot at me. The classic death, doncha think? The honorable cowboy dying in battle...okay, so I wasn't exactly in my head at that exact moment. I think the word I'm searching for here is delusions of grandeur. And that basically describes it all...a delusion. I just wanted to confess that to someone since everyone thinks I'm a great big bastard for saying what I did to her...to Faye.

I can't let her onto me...no matter what. She made me feel...something...back there in that hospital when she sang to me it was too much. Too much emotion and too much trust. I didn't deserve that; at least not from Faye. Why did she trust me like she so obviously did? Why did I like that she trusted me? When she sang to me it didn't remind me of Julia. I've stopped comparing one to another now. I know that Julia is just herself and that Faye...Faye is something else. I never knew quite what to make of her. I always figured she could take care of herself as long as she didn't eat MY food and steal MY money. But obviously she did that so...why? I've had a lot of questions to ask since coming back from the dead and no one has taken the time to answer them yet. I don't understand why Faye treats me like she does...I don't understand why Ein and Ed left us. I don't...understand much I guess. Maybe that's the way it ought to be. Uninformed is just fine with me...I don't mind it. Well, not really anyway.

That day in the hospital when I let myself cry Faye kissed that damned tear away and she's left me a mess ever since. I can't even smoke a cigarette without thinking about her. What's happening to me? Please don't tell me I got shot in the butt with one of those...cupid arrow thingers. I don't want to be in love with Faye Valentine. And yet, I feel strangely used to the idea. Why do I keep contradicting myself? Suddenly I don't think I know what I want anymore and that's a little frightening. Imagine; I'm scared. What a joke.

I felt ridiculous chasing after Faye...I didn't even want to but I was...my feet were carrying me faster and faster and I felt a desperation rising up inside of me that I hadn't felt in so long. I was going to lose her...that thought...so ridiculous and unfounded sent me careening through the alleyways, knocking over trash cans and tripping over bodies sprawled out on the dirty ground. Panic...severe panic...I couldn't stop 't 't think.

I needed to get there...needed to find her so I could handcuff her to me and then lecture her for hours on end...but that's not how I would act. I would be reserved and closed off...I'd stare at her and ask her why she slapped me. I could hear the conversation in my head as I ran and it wasn't pleasant. I could hear her voice...sound bytes of it taken from past conversations. Past arguments that stuck with me through time...it was strange that I could remember every conversation I'd had with Faye leading up to the first day I'd met her. Her voice was burning into my memory like one of those cattle brands that crazy cowboy guy had at his place. I tripped once and fell but luckily my hand caught me and I kept running, my hand stinging as I wiped it off on my jacket.

It smelled horrible down there...my stomach was already threatening to empty itself of my breakfast and lunch...but I kept going. I finally stopped running as I reached a dead end and looked around...where could she have gone? My eyes came to rest upon the metal stair case and I saw the familiar flash of chartreuse eyes and her voice came out to haunt me again. "Go away, Spike..." My eyes narrowed and I growled in annoyance, "C'mon Faye...get out of there..."

She wouldn't do it; I knew. I drew closer and knelt down, expecting my hand to be snapped off...nothing. Reaching into the darkness I dragged her out, my fingers digging into her arm. She was struggling to get away from me, hissing and swearing. I wouldn't let her go and finally dragged her up to her feet and shook her, hard. I could see the anger flashing in her eyes...she intended to smack me again. Her hand was raised and it came down again but I caught it and she snarled and struggled to get away from me again. "You're hurting me! Let go!"

"NO! Look, Faye I'm sorry I insulted you and everything but..." See, I've got this thing about apologizing...I don't do it a lot and I guess she figured that out because she was glaring at me as though I were the most disgusting creature she'd ever seen. Needless to say I didn't really like that...I had to explain something to her...had to...

Something isn't right here and I know that it's me.

I know the things I've done are cruel and I know that something isn't right...

The words that come out of me aren't my own...

I'm not who I used to be and now I've ruined everything...

"I'm just...sorry." I said softly and my gaze slid away from her...I couldn't look at her...didn't want to see her expression.

"Spike...please..." She muttered pitifully, still trying to break away from me...I wasn't going to let her go. God dammit I'm so weak. So pitifully, disgustingly weak. I drew her into my arms and I held her there in silence and I couldn't let her go...I have wanted this for so long and now I didn't know what to do once I'd done that. I inhaled the scent of her hair, heard the rapid beating of her heart. Her arms wrapped around me then...and I felt...peace. An overwhelming sensation that I hadn't felt in such a long time and now that feeling was back...and I was with Faye.