A/N: thank you to kate, stargirl591, alexis, lizbeth, and vsillyman47 for their comments. Especially on a story that's so old. Apparently, in my other update I wasn't clear that this story was a short one, maybe even an introspective piece. And so ends the story. It's a very open ended one. I'll let you draw the conclusion yourselves. :)

Once again, thank you to demon for the beta.

Epilogue 3 Years Later

It's been a few days since I've written in here, but it's been busy.

Liana's been learning her multiplication tables, and as a result, I've been sitting with her after dinner reviewing each column with her. She understands the concept, which I believe is better than the rest of the kids. Just useless memorization and not understanding is a waste of time, but the fact that I finally got her to understand why multiplication is used is a huge accomplishment. However, she's slow at memorization, and every time we get to seven seven she gets lost. Her literature is above all the other kids—Sydney's influence no doubt. Her teacher made her take the CAT exam this year to determine exactly what her reading and comprehension level is. She scored in the eighth grade range, high above her teacher's expectancy level.

She's been growing very fast now. And with each pair of shoes we have to toss, it seems like we have to buy more clothes to fit her. She's now more conscious of what she's wearing and will not allow her "daddy" to choose clothes for her. So Sydney has been helping her with that as well. She's taken her on another trip this afternoon, which is the only reason I have enough time to write in here anymore.

The phone is ringing.

I'm back. Sydney just called. She's going to bring Liana to Eric's so that she and I can have a pizza and movie night to ourselves. It's not going to be a night of Disney movies, and I think we both are going to have to live on this one night for a long time.

I think Sydney is getting better. The divorce has definitely had a lasting effect on her. She's sad a lot. There's this passing shadow in her eyes, the years of betrayal and no resolution taking their toll on her mind. It'll be a long time before it's gone. I still see it in my eyes when I look in the mirror. Their marriage lasted for two years. I was able to coax out the reason after letting her cry in my arms for so long. She needed a friend, and I was there. It was my chance to atone what happened all those years ago. Years of no physical contact and hidden desires gave way in a matter of days to weeks and mindless hours of holding and talking, trying to rid Sydney of the sadness that was creeping in. It was as if we broke through all the barriers too fast. And I think we did. We weren't able to heal completely, we moved too fast, again. But we slowed down a lot, too. After her weeks of guilt, we came together as friends heading on the verge of a new relationship.

Guilt.

Sadness.

Hurt.

Betrayal.

They all seem so familiar to us.

She wasn't able to cope with not telling Chris the truth about everything. Chris slowly began to uncover the fact that she didn't have any memories from June 2003 to May 2005. He knew she was a CIA agent. Although, he didn't know she was a field agent. He thought she was an officer that needed to fly around the world for meetings, sanctioning missions, making agreements with Interpol and other intelligence agencies. I wonder how she explained the bruises sometimes. He started to prod into Sydney's life. No longer trusting her. Arguments happened that she couldn't forgive. Arguments that told her that Chris thought she was not being faithful to her marriage. Insinuation was all it took for Sydney to feel hurt and betrayed. The comments that she told me revolved around, "Why do you hang out so much with Michael anyways?" There were other hurtful ones that I tried to get her to tell me. Unfortunately, they were too hurtful for her to even speak aloud. Those are the ones that will always stay close to her heart, and unless she can say them vocally, they'll cloud her judgments about us. She'll always think we're getting too close.

I guess part of it is my fault—the fact that she spends so much of her time trying to be a mother to Liana. I tried to tell her that she needs to spend more time with her husband, trying and hoping that she'd be able to mend things. I wanted her to be happy again, not having to feel this constant guilt and feeling of betrayal. Admittedly, there was this little nagging feeling that hoped that things would fall through, that she and I could restart our relationship again. I tried squashing it. I can't help but feel that in some way, I jinxed what happened a year later, and that when it really happened, it was because I wished too hard for it to happen. I still carry an overwhelming burden for that. I hope I'll be able to explain it to her, while we sat to eat a quiet homemade dinner together with two candles and mismatched utensils on the table, that I never wished this to happen this way. I wanted her to be happy. And I know, in that forgiving heart of hers that she'll calm me down about my fears. Erase them from my memory with a sound look.

But I know that we'll heal together. That's how it always happens. We can't heal ourselves without the other. We come to each other emotionally raw, we end up clinging together for life. I think this will be the process that will let us live and love fully. We'll be able to live together happily.

I hear the key I gave her to my apartment scratch against the key hole. I love that sound and relish it. It brings me back to all those years ago when we were together, so happy and full of life. Now, we're older, maybe a little wiser. Knowing that we can get past things together. I can't help but think that in a few minutes, we'll be sitting together on the sofa, my arm around her shoulders, scooping her into my hold and watching a romantic comedy that Carrie suggested. We'll be two divorcees that have been down a similar road, coming together once again, hoping for happiness and a life together.

She's calling for me to help her with the groceries. Just thinking about her brings so much to my heart. I'm still in love with her. I can't say it yet, but I know I will in the next few weeks.

Maybe the time to begin anew is now. And maybe this time, we both won't be lost in our loneliness, letting our guilt and suffering overshadow us. Maybe, just maybe, with grace, this will finally work out for us.

---------------------------------end------------------------------------

August 18, 2003- August 18, 2004