Midnightdream51 - Yeah, there's going to be more on the shock value (or at
least Hiei's feelings on what happened) this chapter. As far as all those
things concerning family and low self-esteem and not telling Yukina...you're
getting ahead of the story, lol, and most of your questions will be
answered in this chapter. Though I find it wonderful that you're asking
such questions and analyzing my story this much. It keeps me on task
because I sometimes forget the most important questions to ask as well!
Then I don't answer them in the story and...well...-_-
Curry - I'm very confused by your review. Could you be a little clearer? Gomen...
P.S. – As I've stated in my other fictions, I don't depend on other's fanfiction for my information. As I've stated in this fanfiction, I haven't seen every episode of Yu Yu Hakusho just yet. So if anyone has any ACTUAL information (not something they've read in a fanfiction or off a website) on Hiei's tear gems, I would very appreciative to know it. As far as I know, he doesn't cry in the series (manga or anime), so the color of his hiruiseki is left to the author's/reader's imagination. I left the color obscure in this fiction as well.
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"Does he always act that way?"
"For the near week he's been here."
"Strange creature. I sense something dark in his aura."
Hiei heard the harsh whispering beneath him but remained motionless on his bed. Legs crossed underneath him, eyes closed, limbs completely relaxed, the usually short-tempered individual was in the middle of a practice Zan had loved to do with all his heart. It was a sport Hiei had never cared nor had the tolerance for. It required patience, relaxing beyond his usually high-alert body stance, and most of all, a complete peace and clearing of the mind.
Meditation.
Nothing Hiei had ever done before had ever been as trying as meditation. He had given up on the exercise the numerous amounts of times Zan had tried to coach him in it. It had seemed pointless to learn to stop feeling when it was emotions that truly dictated one's spiritual power. The spirit is made of emotions. Therefore, more emotional equals more powerful. Simple enough equation.
But many new lessons had been taught to him seven months ago when Hiei had awakened at Shigure's residence to find out his only brother had sacrificed his body due to Hiei's foolish decision. A lot had changed at that point in time.
Physically, Hiei had cut his hair and forced it back to its normal straight up position. He had always loved Zan's hair, but the ponytail was just too annoying to deal with. In addition, Hiei had rid himself of Zan's beautiful garments. As enjoyable as the soft style was, Hiei still preferred the practical black clothing that made hiding all that much easier. However, the fire demon had compromised, keeping Zan's favorite item. The stark white of the other's scarf contrasted greatly with Hiei's black cloak, but it seemed symbolic to Hiei in a way he couldn't put his finger on.
Hiei had to relearn how to fight in the past several months as well. Luckily, the young demon was a quick learner, and Zan's body was not that much different than his own. The added strength of the Jagan helped immensely as well. Hiei was actually beginning to like the change. Zan's body had always held a grace to it that Hiei had greatly admired. The younger brother had always thought it was simply Zan's mentality that allowed him to move with such poise, but upon taking over this body and learning its tricks, Hiei had discovered that at least part of Zan's liquid movements were inherited. One of his parents must have been a beautiful and powerful creature indeed.
In light of all these physical changes, Hiei had mentally grown as well over the long few months. He had learned that just because emotions created power didn't mean one should not learn to control those emotions or that power. Because Zan had always been around before, the fire spirit never felt the need to learn to be mindful of his actions. He had always depended on Zan to do the thinking for both of them, and, in turn, he would simply be the muscle behind their operations.
However, Zan was dead, and it was Hiei's fault. The consequences of his rash behavior had come crashing down on the young one's head in a wave of emotional pain that had nearly destroyed him. Hiei had never expected his actions to affect anyone but himself, and the lesson that had proved his bull-headedness wrong had been a harsh one.
Hiei couldn't change the past. But he was going to change himself. That's why he had started meditating and kept at it, even though the practice never seemed to pay off. Often the boy would become frustrated, but he could no longer quit and go back to his reckless lifestyle. He owed it to Zan to keep this body alive as long as possible and use it to achieve...he was not quite sure what. Something close to happiness. The dream of Zan mating with his sister was dead. The dream of having a family was completely gone. There was only one person left for him, and Hiei didn't think he could ever tell his sister who he was now. Not after one family member had died because of him. He was too dangerous, still too volatile to be a good brother.
But he could protect her. He could do that much.
A loud sigh, and Hiei climbed off his bed, grabbing his katana as he passed by it. Meditation was not going to work today. He had too much on his mind. Instead, the now sullen demon tread down the stairs of the hotel he had been lodging in for about a week. Lately Hiei had been taking up another hobby of Zan's. Instead of passing through town after town, the young man had been staying longer periods of time in each place to observe the customs and way of life of the people who resided there. The information and insight that came from these observances astounded Hiei to no end, and he could easily see why his brother had often argued with him to stay put in certain places for longer periods of time.
The two bar maidens that had been whispering before were now talking with some of the local customers. Nobody really paid attention to the small, quiet figure that slipped past the merry drunkards and out the door. It was raining, and few others were outside. Perfect conditions to match Hiei's somber mood.
He had been feeling like this more and more lately. A general loneliness that spread from his heart and through his soul. He was always tired, and headaches were frequent. Hiei wondered, as he had many times before during these frequent moods, if he was dying, but brushed the notion off with a disgruntled 'hn'. He knew the thought was irrational, and that these often depressive mood swings were the result of the continued guiltiness he felt within him.
"Why?" Hiei spoke to no one in particular. He pulled his arms to himself in some attempt to find relief from the rain. In truth, he could have risen his body temperature to boil the water before it hit him, but the demon didn't have the heart. "Why would he do such a thing for me? I didn't deserve it." The water weighed down the strands of his hair, causing the black locks to fall back down to the position they had been used to in under the care of their former master. It was at times like these when the reality hit hardest. When it was most apparent that Hiei was in alone in a dark world, trapped in a body that was not his own.
"Why Zan? I wish you would answer me. I wish I knew your soul was safe in Heaven. But Shigure said you were still trapped in this body along with me." Hiei stopped by a tree, placing his forehead against the damp bark. Even now sheltered from the rain, he took little notice in the fact that the sheets of water had stopped falling on him. "But if you're still in here somewhere, why won't you answer me? Why don't you come out? I need you Zan!"
Hiei squeezed his eyes shut, concentrating hard on the blackness behind the eyelids. He searched frantically for something, a figure to emerge. He wanted to see him. He wanted his brother back! Minutes passed and nothing happened except for the formation of little color dots from the hard concentration.
"Where are you?! Why won't you come?!" he screamed, smashing his right fist against the tree. Hiei opened his eyes and looked at the bloody knuckles, realizing what he was doing. He was hurting this beautiful present Zan had given him by letting his temper get in the way again. Such actions could not be allowed. Taking in a shuddering sigh to steady himself, Hiei turned to walk back to the inn.
The former sigh turned into a harsh gasp as the dull throbbing pain from the fire demon's hand spread up through his arm and suddenly pooled in his head. The pain was no longer dull; it had turned into a raging inferno that forced Hiei to his knees as his hands flew to the sides of his head to grab and pull on his hair. The little one opened his mouth to cry out, but no sound was emitted.
It hurt so much. Hiei's mouth continued to open and close in silent screams, his body convulsing violently on its now curled up position in the mud. Fingers twitched as they dug into wet earth, but the feeling never registered over the intense agony. He gasped and sobbed for some relief, but nothing, no one, came.
'Someone help me!' he cried out mentally. He tried to reach the power of the Jagan to telepathically convey the message, but the attempt only doubled the pain. Hiei felt like his head was either going to explode or burn him alive. It was the Jagan. Something was wrong with the Jagan.
'Hiei! You need to fight it! It's trying to take you over!' Eyes clouded with tears, Hiei endeavored lift his head and look around. The action proved useless and only caused the skin on his neck to burn more intensely. No one was around. The little demon put his head back down in the mud, giving up on movement.
'No! The Jagan will take you over. You can't let it! Fight Hiei!' There was the voice again, but Hiei didn't need to look up to know there was not anyone around to speak it. Eyes closed, he whimpered in protest against the words. It was too hard to fight. There was no point. He didn't deserve to have this body anyway. Let the Jagan take it.
'Idiot! You still haven't found your sister. I gave this body to you because I trusted you to put it to good use. Now fight dammit!'
Hiei's eyes snapped open. His identical twin was standing over him, glaring at him.
"Zan..." The image disappeared at Hiei's utterance of the words. Eyes widening, the fire demon sat up with a start.
"No! Zan! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" The Jagan glowed with more power, feeding off its owner's stress. Hiei shrieked, curling up because of the pain.
"I refuse to be controlled!" he screamed, pushing all his spiritual energy back at the evil eye. The Jagan mentally shuddered in surprise, blazing an angry red because this pitiful creature was daring to challenge it. However, the eye's power was limited to the spiritual energy it could take from its owner, and Hiei was using all of his spiritual energy to fight it rather than nourish it. With one last bright flash of malice, the Jagan settled back into its latent state.
Hiei found himself back in control of his body, on his hands in knees, covered in sweat. The gentle rhythm of rain began to reach his ears through the loud ringing, and reality once again began to surround him. Shigure had warned him that until he could gain enough power and knowledge to master the eye, it would continue to try and do the same to him. Hiei had just never expected the experience to be so painful.
Hissing as sore, tense muscles were stretched, Hiei stood, his breathing finally beginning to even back out. That voice. It had been Zan's. But...but where had it come from? He sniffed the air, hoping for a sign of someone else having been there, but the only scent was of clean earth. Hiei dare not even try to use the eye to look for an energy signature.
'Think for a moment Idiot. I can't be outside of you if you are me. But if you prefer to see...'
"Zan!" The ghostly image once again formed in front of Hiei. His now identical twin was standing in front of him, smirking as if it was any normal day the brothers had been together.
'Sorry I'm late,' Zan apologized. His lips never moved from that grin, but Hiei could clearly hear every word within his mind. 'The Jagan realized it could only claim this body if we were separate. It knew if I ever made my way back to you, our combined souls would be no match for it.'
"It trapped you?" Hiei asked incredulously. Zan nodded in affirmation, closing his eyes in deep thought.
'When it tried taking over just now, you gave it enough trouble that it was distracted momentarily. I want to tha-'
Among the patter of the rain emerged a quiet clinking of stone hitting stone. Opening his eyes, Zan was taken aback by what he saw. Hiei had fallen to one knee, the heels of his hands shoved into his eyes. One by one, hiruiseki, made dull by the lack of light, fell to the earth from the closed fists. Zan watched at the little gems created from Hiei's soul and energy rolled steadily to settle between the roots of the tree.
"Don't do that," Hiei whispered harshly through his choked words. "Don't ever do that again! Don't leave me. Please..."
A deep sadness, a sense of hopelessness, and finally immense relief. Zan felt these through the small soul bond that was already developing between him and his brother. And it made ghost tears of his own trail down his non- existent cheeks.
Zan never realized how much Hiei had needed him. Yes, the brothers were close, and Zan could practically read the other demon like a child's book half the time. He knew his brother looked up to him, and he also knew Hiei relied on Zan to fix the younger's problems when things went wrong. But this absolute dependance he had concerning Zan was something entirely new. Hiei needed someone to accept him, and Zan had been the only one to do so thus far. Without his elder brother, the half-koorime had little self- worth.
Wiping his eyes in a futile attempt to hide what he had been doing, Hiei looked up to see Zan's face directly in front of his. Smiling, the elder wrapped his arms around his brother. Though he couldn't feel it, Hiei accepted the gesture completely, even leaning into the shoulder that was not really there.
'Shhh...we can't be separated now,' Zan soothed. 'You can already feel the bond from our previous lives strengthening into a soul bond. Soon we will be one person entirely. Everything will be right. I'll never leave you.'
Hiei nodded, and slowly Zan's body faded away. But this time Hiei could still feel the other in his mind, like a second conscious, ready to help him out in his times of need. A real smile crosses his face, the first in many months. With a steady hand, the single body with two souls gathered the hiruiseki that had fallen to the earth and tucked them away like the precious jewels they were before heading back towards the inn.
He still had not finished his meditation.
Curry - I'm very confused by your review. Could you be a little clearer? Gomen...
P.S. – As I've stated in my other fictions, I don't depend on other's fanfiction for my information. As I've stated in this fanfiction, I haven't seen every episode of Yu Yu Hakusho just yet. So if anyone has any ACTUAL information (not something they've read in a fanfiction or off a website) on Hiei's tear gems, I would very appreciative to know it. As far as I know, he doesn't cry in the series (manga or anime), so the color of his hiruiseki is left to the author's/reader's imagination. I left the color obscure in this fiction as well.
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"Does he always act that way?"
"For the near week he's been here."
"Strange creature. I sense something dark in his aura."
Hiei heard the harsh whispering beneath him but remained motionless on his bed. Legs crossed underneath him, eyes closed, limbs completely relaxed, the usually short-tempered individual was in the middle of a practice Zan had loved to do with all his heart. It was a sport Hiei had never cared nor had the tolerance for. It required patience, relaxing beyond his usually high-alert body stance, and most of all, a complete peace and clearing of the mind.
Meditation.
Nothing Hiei had ever done before had ever been as trying as meditation. He had given up on the exercise the numerous amounts of times Zan had tried to coach him in it. It had seemed pointless to learn to stop feeling when it was emotions that truly dictated one's spiritual power. The spirit is made of emotions. Therefore, more emotional equals more powerful. Simple enough equation.
But many new lessons had been taught to him seven months ago when Hiei had awakened at Shigure's residence to find out his only brother had sacrificed his body due to Hiei's foolish decision. A lot had changed at that point in time.
Physically, Hiei had cut his hair and forced it back to its normal straight up position. He had always loved Zan's hair, but the ponytail was just too annoying to deal with. In addition, Hiei had rid himself of Zan's beautiful garments. As enjoyable as the soft style was, Hiei still preferred the practical black clothing that made hiding all that much easier. However, the fire demon had compromised, keeping Zan's favorite item. The stark white of the other's scarf contrasted greatly with Hiei's black cloak, but it seemed symbolic to Hiei in a way he couldn't put his finger on.
Hiei had to relearn how to fight in the past several months as well. Luckily, the young demon was a quick learner, and Zan's body was not that much different than his own. The added strength of the Jagan helped immensely as well. Hiei was actually beginning to like the change. Zan's body had always held a grace to it that Hiei had greatly admired. The younger brother had always thought it was simply Zan's mentality that allowed him to move with such poise, but upon taking over this body and learning its tricks, Hiei had discovered that at least part of Zan's liquid movements were inherited. One of his parents must have been a beautiful and powerful creature indeed.
In light of all these physical changes, Hiei had mentally grown as well over the long few months. He had learned that just because emotions created power didn't mean one should not learn to control those emotions or that power. Because Zan had always been around before, the fire spirit never felt the need to learn to be mindful of his actions. He had always depended on Zan to do the thinking for both of them, and, in turn, he would simply be the muscle behind their operations.
However, Zan was dead, and it was Hiei's fault. The consequences of his rash behavior had come crashing down on the young one's head in a wave of emotional pain that had nearly destroyed him. Hiei had never expected his actions to affect anyone but himself, and the lesson that had proved his bull-headedness wrong had been a harsh one.
Hiei couldn't change the past. But he was going to change himself. That's why he had started meditating and kept at it, even though the practice never seemed to pay off. Often the boy would become frustrated, but he could no longer quit and go back to his reckless lifestyle. He owed it to Zan to keep this body alive as long as possible and use it to achieve...he was not quite sure what. Something close to happiness. The dream of Zan mating with his sister was dead. The dream of having a family was completely gone. There was only one person left for him, and Hiei didn't think he could ever tell his sister who he was now. Not after one family member had died because of him. He was too dangerous, still too volatile to be a good brother.
But he could protect her. He could do that much.
A loud sigh, and Hiei climbed off his bed, grabbing his katana as he passed by it. Meditation was not going to work today. He had too much on his mind. Instead, the now sullen demon tread down the stairs of the hotel he had been lodging in for about a week. Lately Hiei had been taking up another hobby of Zan's. Instead of passing through town after town, the young man had been staying longer periods of time in each place to observe the customs and way of life of the people who resided there. The information and insight that came from these observances astounded Hiei to no end, and he could easily see why his brother had often argued with him to stay put in certain places for longer periods of time.
The two bar maidens that had been whispering before were now talking with some of the local customers. Nobody really paid attention to the small, quiet figure that slipped past the merry drunkards and out the door. It was raining, and few others were outside. Perfect conditions to match Hiei's somber mood.
He had been feeling like this more and more lately. A general loneliness that spread from his heart and through his soul. He was always tired, and headaches were frequent. Hiei wondered, as he had many times before during these frequent moods, if he was dying, but brushed the notion off with a disgruntled 'hn'. He knew the thought was irrational, and that these often depressive mood swings were the result of the continued guiltiness he felt within him.
"Why?" Hiei spoke to no one in particular. He pulled his arms to himself in some attempt to find relief from the rain. In truth, he could have risen his body temperature to boil the water before it hit him, but the demon didn't have the heart. "Why would he do such a thing for me? I didn't deserve it." The water weighed down the strands of his hair, causing the black locks to fall back down to the position they had been used to in under the care of their former master. It was at times like these when the reality hit hardest. When it was most apparent that Hiei was in alone in a dark world, trapped in a body that was not his own.
"Why Zan? I wish you would answer me. I wish I knew your soul was safe in Heaven. But Shigure said you were still trapped in this body along with me." Hiei stopped by a tree, placing his forehead against the damp bark. Even now sheltered from the rain, he took little notice in the fact that the sheets of water had stopped falling on him. "But if you're still in here somewhere, why won't you answer me? Why don't you come out? I need you Zan!"
Hiei squeezed his eyes shut, concentrating hard on the blackness behind the eyelids. He searched frantically for something, a figure to emerge. He wanted to see him. He wanted his brother back! Minutes passed and nothing happened except for the formation of little color dots from the hard concentration.
"Where are you?! Why won't you come?!" he screamed, smashing his right fist against the tree. Hiei opened his eyes and looked at the bloody knuckles, realizing what he was doing. He was hurting this beautiful present Zan had given him by letting his temper get in the way again. Such actions could not be allowed. Taking in a shuddering sigh to steady himself, Hiei turned to walk back to the inn.
The former sigh turned into a harsh gasp as the dull throbbing pain from the fire demon's hand spread up through his arm and suddenly pooled in his head. The pain was no longer dull; it had turned into a raging inferno that forced Hiei to his knees as his hands flew to the sides of his head to grab and pull on his hair. The little one opened his mouth to cry out, but no sound was emitted.
It hurt so much. Hiei's mouth continued to open and close in silent screams, his body convulsing violently on its now curled up position in the mud. Fingers twitched as they dug into wet earth, but the feeling never registered over the intense agony. He gasped and sobbed for some relief, but nothing, no one, came.
'Someone help me!' he cried out mentally. He tried to reach the power of the Jagan to telepathically convey the message, but the attempt only doubled the pain. Hiei felt like his head was either going to explode or burn him alive. It was the Jagan. Something was wrong with the Jagan.
'Hiei! You need to fight it! It's trying to take you over!' Eyes clouded with tears, Hiei endeavored lift his head and look around. The action proved useless and only caused the skin on his neck to burn more intensely. No one was around. The little demon put his head back down in the mud, giving up on movement.
'No! The Jagan will take you over. You can't let it! Fight Hiei!' There was the voice again, but Hiei didn't need to look up to know there was not anyone around to speak it. Eyes closed, he whimpered in protest against the words. It was too hard to fight. There was no point. He didn't deserve to have this body anyway. Let the Jagan take it.
'Idiot! You still haven't found your sister. I gave this body to you because I trusted you to put it to good use. Now fight dammit!'
Hiei's eyes snapped open. His identical twin was standing over him, glaring at him.
"Zan..." The image disappeared at Hiei's utterance of the words. Eyes widening, the fire demon sat up with a start.
"No! Zan! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" The Jagan glowed with more power, feeding off its owner's stress. Hiei shrieked, curling up because of the pain.
"I refuse to be controlled!" he screamed, pushing all his spiritual energy back at the evil eye. The Jagan mentally shuddered in surprise, blazing an angry red because this pitiful creature was daring to challenge it. However, the eye's power was limited to the spiritual energy it could take from its owner, and Hiei was using all of his spiritual energy to fight it rather than nourish it. With one last bright flash of malice, the Jagan settled back into its latent state.
Hiei found himself back in control of his body, on his hands in knees, covered in sweat. The gentle rhythm of rain began to reach his ears through the loud ringing, and reality once again began to surround him. Shigure had warned him that until he could gain enough power and knowledge to master the eye, it would continue to try and do the same to him. Hiei had just never expected the experience to be so painful.
Hissing as sore, tense muscles were stretched, Hiei stood, his breathing finally beginning to even back out. That voice. It had been Zan's. But...but where had it come from? He sniffed the air, hoping for a sign of someone else having been there, but the only scent was of clean earth. Hiei dare not even try to use the eye to look for an energy signature.
'Think for a moment Idiot. I can't be outside of you if you are me. But if you prefer to see...'
"Zan!" The ghostly image once again formed in front of Hiei. His now identical twin was standing in front of him, smirking as if it was any normal day the brothers had been together.
'Sorry I'm late,' Zan apologized. His lips never moved from that grin, but Hiei could clearly hear every word within his mind. 'The Jagan realized it could only claim this body if we were separate. It knew if I ever made my way back to you, our combined souls would be no match for it.'
"It trapped you?" Hiei asked incredulously. Zan nodded in affirmation, closing his eyes in deep thought.
'When it tried taking over just now, you gave it enough trouble that it was distracted momentarily. I want to tha-'
Among the patter of the rain emerged a quiet clinking of stone hitting stone. Opening his eyes, Zan was taken aback by what he saw. Hiei had fallen to one knee, the heels of his hands shoved into his eyes. One by one, hiruiseki, made dull by the lack of light, fell to the earth from the closed fists. Zan watched at the little gems created from Hiei's soul and energy rolled steadily to settle between the roots of the tree.
"Don't do that," Hiei whispered harshly through his choked words. "Don't ever do that again! Don't leave me. Please..."
A deep sadness, a sense of hopelessness, and finally immense relief. Zan felt these through the small soul bond that was already developing between him and his brother. And it made ghost tears of his own trail down his non- existent cheeks.
Zan never realized how much Hiei had needed him. Yes, the brothers were close, and Zan could practically read the other demon like a child's book half the time. He knew his brother looked up to him, and he also knew Hiei relied on Zan to fix the younger's problems when things went wrong. But this absolute dependance he had concerning Zan was something entirely new. Hiei needed someone to accept him, and Zan had been the only one to do so thus far. Without his elder brother, the half-koorime had little self- worth.
Wiping his eyes in a futile attempt to hide what he had been doing, Hiei looked up to see Zan's face directly in front of his. Smiling, the elder wrapped his arms around his brother. Though he couldn't feel it, Hiei accepted the gesture completely, even leaning into the shoulder that was not really there.
'Shhh...we can't be separated now,' Zan soothed. 'You can already feel the bond from our previous lives strengthening into a soul bond. Soon we will be one person entirely. Everything will be right. I'll never leave you.'
Hiei nodded, and slowly Zan's body faded away. But this time Hiei could still feel the other in his mind, like a second conscious, ready to help him out in his times of need. A real smile crosses his face, the first in many months. With a steady hand, the single body with two souls gathered the hiruiseki that had fallen to the earth and tucked them away like the precious jewels they were before heading back towards the inn.
He still had not finished his meditation.