My 61 Uncles
Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter or any characters from the Harry Potter books...but we do own Harry's 61 uncles...except Uncle Child Eater because he scares us. Also, there is a warning to all who dislike all annoying alliterations. If you are one of those people, suck it up and R&R.
As Harry ascended the stone steps from the dark, dank, dingy dungeons, he came across one Draco Malfoy.
"Potter! What are you doing here? This is my turf!" The golden boy of Slytherin spat out at the measly Gryffindor.
"I was simply returning from my potions lesson, Malfoy." He was tempted to say "With that greasy git, Snape," but he knew that was not something to mention around the professor's pet. He gave Draco one of his trademark evil glares.
"Why Potter, where are your darling cronies?" Inquired Malfoy as an evil grin graced his chiseled features. But he knew where they were: not in this corridor.
"I think you know very well where they are, why should I tell you?" Harry retorted in his sexy silky voice. Oh dear, Harry had just realized he really didn't know where Ron and Hermione were. Could they be in this corridor? Or the common room? Or even the great hall?! He might never ever ever find out...or would he? No, he wouldn't.
With a shake of his fist and pointing of his wand, Malfoy shrieked. "I CURSE YOU, HARRY POTTER!" And thus, Harry Potter was cursed by Draco Malfoy, the son of Lovely Luscious Lucius Malfoy.
Harry shrank down to the ground, on his knees. "NO THANK YOU!!!!" He said politely. Harry was never one to forget to use his good manners. Indeed, he was a good little lad.
As Harry sat there, weirding him out, Malfoy decided it was his cue to exit stage left, smirking all the while. Indeed, he was a good little smirker. After a few moments, what happened? One may ask. Well I'll tell you what happened. Harry left to go to the Whomping Willow where he just remembered his only friends ever, Hermione and Ron, were chillaxing. So, apparently, he did know where they were and the reader would find out that he did. Who knew? Not me, that's for sure! Or did I? ... I guess you'll just have to wait and find out. Ok, you've waited long enough, I did know.
Harry strolled over to where his friends were and waved, "Howdy, y'all! How's it hangin'?" He was in such a friendly mood after having been cursed with the terrible, dreaded, horrendous, mind boggling Compulsive Lying Curse. Currently, he was lying about being from the South states of America. Those silly Texans...
Ron and Hermione waved back in unison. "Bloody hell, Harry! Where have you been? All at sea, eh? We've been waiting on tea for you, love." Their voices were synchronized as if they were those crazy swimmers in the Olympics.
"You silly gooses! I was out chatting with one of my uncles, Draco Malfoy! He's uncle number one." Oh my! It looks as if Harry had began his bout of compulsive lying! Whatever will we do? I just don't know! ...Or do I? No, I don't. Ok, I lied. I do know what we'll do but I'm not telling! (Author Note: I could've gone a lot further with that one, but I'll spare you the agony... Or will I? Yes.)
"Why, Harry, it is you who is the silly goose! Draco is most definitely not your uncle! Did you take some of those Egyptian candies? Again?" said Ron and Hermione together, as they often talked in that manner.
"Ugh, I so am not the silly goose here! Don't you remember, though? I have sixty-one uncles, including you, Hermione!" Harry pointed at the girl as if accusing her of murder.
The synchronized duo (The SD, as it were) rolled their collective eyes at the boy. "Ok, Harry, if you say so. But if you do in fact have 61 uncles, tell them all to us (even though they should've said "me" since they act as one being)."
Taking a deep breath and preparing to tell the tall tale that was...not true, Harry took a deep breath. "Well, I'll tell you about these uncles. [[List is in the first person b/c Harry is saying it]]
#1. Draco Malfoy, son of Lovely Luscious Lucius Malfoy.
#2. Hermione Granger, that's you!
#3. Captain Underpants, that guy's a genius who loves his under garments.
#4. Dante Alighieri.
#'s 5, 6, 7, and 8. All the Johns in the band, They Might Be Giants. (Author's Note: We 3 TMBG).
#9. Uncle Number Nine.
#10. Your Mother.
#11. Your Mother's Mother.
#12. Big Foot's ex-fiance. They had some arguments over his existence and thus broke up—it was tragic (Author's Note: Bigfoot's either gay or bi, hence his coolness).
#13. Sir Lancelot and the Knights of the Round Table, but all of them count as one since they act sort of like Hermione and Ron are right now...but Knightier.
#14. Uncle Buck, yeah, that's right. He's that guy from that movie that no one likes but is always on.
#15. Uncle April, the florist from the Garden State. He changed his name to April from ...something else we forgot.
#16. Uncle Jesse from Full House.
#17. Uncle Joey from Full House.
#18. Bob Saget.
#19. Mr. Coe, the founder of Glencoe, originally named Coe's Glen but later changed for probably the same reason they changed Constantinople to Istambul.
#20. Oprah.
#21. The Bailey School Kids. Remember? Vampires don't do yoga and werewolves don't go to summer camp with the exception of Professor Lupin when he was in the fifth grade because they gave him free chocolate.
#22. Ringo Star, that's where I get all of my rhythm
#23. The Creature From The Black Lagoon
#24. The Blob, they say I resemble him... I agree.
#25. Uncle Vernon, gee wiz I hate that guy!
#26. Mr. Good Wrench.
#27. Ace Ventura Pet Detective. He found Hedwig when I lost her, how sweet!
#28. Rico Suave
#29. Christian Bale. That Newsie was H-O-T-T.
#30. Stan Asher, but you know him better as The Guy on 41.
#31. The Empire Carpet Man. Give him a call on one of them there muggle communication apparatuses at 588-2300-EMPIRE
#32. Cornelius Fudge.
#34. Blaise Zabini.
#35. Barty Crouch Sr. He's dead.
#36. I forgot number 36. Damn.
#37. Louis Sachar. He goes to the Wayside School...BEST SCHOOL EVER.
#38. Professor Plum, with the candle stick in the study.
#39. Tony Blaire, because he's English.
#40. Ms. Suzy...she had a steam boat that went to hell.
#41. Kevin Bacon- like the meat.
#42. George Clooney
#43. Alan M.
#44. Uncle Child Eater. I forget his real name since we never call him that, but he eats children. He's a fun guy, ya know?
#45. Little Bear from the hit children's TV show, Little Bear.
#46. Barney: The dinosaur from our imagination, A-B-C's and 1-2-3's a dinosaur sensation. Barney's always there for you whenever you need him. Barney can be your friend too, if you just make believe him.
#47. Abraham Lincoln, he's honest, like me! Oh wait...I'm cursed to be a compulsive liar. DAMN YOU DRACO MALFOY, SON OF LOVELY LUSCIOUS LUCIUS MALFOY!
#48. Particle Man, but Triangle Man beat him in a fight. (AN: Wo0, more TMBG)
#49. J.K. Rowling's first husband.
#50. Jared from Subway. He lost a lot of weight this year, I should send him a nice letter about that.
#51. Michael Jackson. I really enjoyed spending summer vacation at that Never Land Ranch, Mike and I were tight....I mean... friendly...I mean...What are you staring at, Ron?! (AN: I think I saw a porno like this once...speak of the devil, read the next uncle).
#52. Alfonso Cuarón.
#53. Hagrid. He seems to have a liking for my firebolt... Crazy ol' chap.
#54. Aberforth Dumbledore who also has a liking for my broom. What's up with that?
#55. James Isaac Newtron, a.k.a. Jimmy the Boy Genius.
#56. Joseph Pulitzer, but I just call him Joe.
#57. Chef Boyardee, he gives me ravioli.
#58. Percy Weasley, but none of the other Weasley kids...just him, not you Ron, or any of your other brothers. Percy is my solitary Weasley uncle. It's just Percy! Get over it! Gee Ron, stop wanting to be my uncle!
#59. Number 59's always the hardest to remember...but OH YEAH! It's Paul Hamm.
#60. Sgt. Pepper and his Lonely Hearts Club Band, but they count as just one uncle because I don't like counting out all of them. It gives me brain cramps, like the kind I get when I eat ice cream too fast.
#61. Me. Yes, the boy who lived, the one and only, HARRY POTTER!!!" said Harry.
"Oh my," said SD. They had fallen asleep and woke up only when Harry shouted his name. "What were you saying, old bean? Sorry, we weren't listening."
Harry let out a deep sigh and began to re-list his uncles.
Fin....or is it? Why yes, I think it is. But I'm not too sure...or am I? One may never know with a person such as myself. Or will they? Should I tell you? No, I shouldn't, but I will anyway out of the kindness of my heart. It's the end. Now Review!!