Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Legolas: you nearly drowned me, witch! Me: I'm not a witch. I'm Dorothy Gale, from Kansas. Legolas: No, you're not. Me: Don't argue with the writer. Legolas: Then don't try to drown me anymore. Me: You know what happened to Elrond... Legolas: NO! Anything but the breeches...

Chapter 9

Truth or Dare

Sunshine reflected off the water of the river like sparkling diamonds as the travelers made their way to the crossing.

"Legolas, Laddie, would ye mind walking over there a bit?" Gimli asked, fanning the air in front of his nose with one hand and pointing downwind with the other. "Ye smell like a brewery."

"You have nerve, Dwarf! You smell like an Orc's backside, and you dare complain about me?" Legolas retorted, glaring down at his short companion.

"I think you both could use a dunk in the river," Elrond said, holding his nose, and bringing up the rear. "Between the two of you, my eyes burn like the pits of Mordor."

"Yer a fine one to talk! Ye smell worse than the two of us put together!" Gimli cried, turning to face Elrond.

"Nonsense. Your nose is just accustomed to your own reek," Elrond replied, waving his hand, dismissing Gimli.

"It's true, Gimli...as drunk as I was, your anal acoustics kept waking me up last night! Whatever did you eat yesterday?" Legolas added, looking disdainfully at Gimli.

The Dwarf shifted his axe to his other shoulder, considering Legolas' question in earnest. "Well, Laddie, I remember eating those pickled eggs that your people are so fond of...cabbage soup, beans, and a pint or four of ale..."

"Urgh! No wonder...you are a gas-ball with legs, Dwarf!" Elrond exclaimed. "For the love of all that's holy, put a cork in it!"

"Better out than in, me mum always used to say," Gimli said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Better for whom?" Legolas questioned the Dwarf, "certainly not for the two of us! Or for any other living creature near your rear!

"Bah! Yer both out of yer heads...'tis not as bad as that. Yer Elven noses are just too damn sensitive!" Gimli said. He walked a few paces ahead, letting out a long, reverberating stream of wind.

"You did that on PURPOSE, Dwarf!" Elrond exclaimed, covering his mouth with both hands and gagging.

"Who, me?" Gimli chuckled. "Who can do THAT on command? Now, belching, that's a different story!" He banged on his chest and proceeded to burp out the Hobbit's drinking song.

"Ugh. You are truly disgusting, mellon min. What other hidden talents do you possess that we should be aware of?" Legolas said, shaking his head and smiling, in spite of the repulsive odor.

"None that I'll waste on the likes of you two!" Gimli laughed. "I've some that I'm saving for when we get to Minas Tirith, though. I've plans to make some little serving wench very happy!"

They stopped midday at the southern foot of the Misty Mountains, planning to cross over into Gondor the following morning. Legolas, being incredibly inventive, fashioned snares of woven grass, and caught a couple of nice, fat rabbits for lunch.

After eating, the three shed their clothes and bathed in the cold water of the river, afterward scrubbing their clothes clean against the rocks along the riverbed.

Huddled around a small campfire, they passed the night retelling stories of their adventures during the War, and recanting tales of romantic conquests.

"Do ye remember that night in Helm's Deep, Laddie, just before the battle? What a night, indeed! Between you and Haldir, I think there was nary a maiden left in all of Rohan the next morn!" Gimli laughed heartily, slapping his knee and looking admirably at the tall Elf.

"Tell the truth, Gimli - you sowed a few oats that night, as well, my friend! I seem to remember a certain Shieldmaiden..."

"No! Not Eowyn! I thought she was trying to get into my son-in-law's pants!" Elrond exclaimed, his eyes wide at the thought of the Dwarf and the daughter of Theoden.

"She was, and he wouldn't give her the time of day, poor thing. I had to step in and...er...comfort her!" Gimli snorted, his eyes lighting at the memory.

"Later, so did Haldir...and then me!" Legolas added, chuckling. "It was a long night for the Shieldmaiden! I really don't know how she was able to walk the next day!"

"No wonder she listened to her father and stayed out of the fight! She probably couldn't rise out of bed!" Gimli sputtered, tears of laughter streaming down his cheeks into his beard.

"Does Faramir know all this? Oh, please let me be the one to tell him! At Aragorn and Arwen's wedding he bent my ear for hours complaining about the injustice of his family losing stewardship of Gondor...the little whiner!" Elrond asked, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

"It was even worse the day before the men rode for the battle at Minas Tirith! I heard tell that she jumped nearly every available man in the camp when Aragorn gave her that lame 'I cannot give you what you seek,' speech." Legolas volunteered. "How many times has he used that tired old line on females? I've lost count!"

"Aye! 'Twas a shame we had to miss all the action, having had to ride into the mountain pass with Aragorn! From what I've heard, there was a line of men five deep at her tent all morning!" Gimli continued, adding some wood to the fire.

"Well, he had better keep it in his boot from now on...my daughter has a very short fuse when it comes to fidelity...and she is quick with a knife! He'll need to pee through his nose when she's done with him!"

Legolas banked the fire to last through the night, and lay down, covering himself with his cloak. "As entertaining as this night has been, I believe we should get some sleep. Tomorrow we climb over the mountains into Rohan."

"Yes, and Gimli? I think it best if you sleep on the other side of the fire. I don't know how rabbit and your stomach get along, and I'll not take any chances on having another gas-fest around the fire tonight!" Elrond said sternly, shooing the Dwarf to the opposite side of the campfire.

"Bah! You Elves and yer delicate constitutions! I dare ye to spend a night with me family...ye'd probably think I smelled of roses in comparison!" Gimli chuckled. He rolled over and began to snore almost immediately.

"Eru preserve us from EVER having to spend the night with a dozen of him!" Elrond prayed, closing his eyes and letting sleep take him.