Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Gimli: Methinksye have gone too far this time, wench! Imagine, mocking the birth of a future king! I am going to speak with Tolkien about ye. Me: See if I care, Dwarf. Gimli: Ye should care! Tolkien will strike you down with a thunderbolt! - ZZZAP! - Me: That wasn't a thunderbolt...that was just you saying "zap," Gimli. Gimli: Damn it.
A/N: Southerngirl4615 - Have given Legolas a permanent wedgie. Anyone else you want to sic me on? Just let me at 'em.
Chapter 11GO
Elrond sat at the table, staring at the mug of ale he held in his hand. Gimli and Legolas sat with him, as they had since returning from the birthing room of Elrond's first grandchild. Celebrating the birth, the three had been downing ale for several hours.
"Wash the matter, Laddie?" Gimli asked, sloshing his ale over the rim of his mug as he waved it in Elrond's direction. "Ye been sittin' there with a sour puss on fer nearly an hour. Thish is supposed to be a party!"
"Yes, Elrond (hic)...tell us the trouble (hic)," Legolas put in, swaying slightly in his seat. He took another draught of ale, leaving a foam mustache on his upper lip.
"Elf! Ye would look good with a mushtash..." Gimli said, catching Legolas before he thought to wipe his mouth with his sleeve.
"Elves have no facial hair, mellon min (hic). We don't have hair anywhere, 'cept on our heads (hic)."
Gimli looked thoughtful for a moment (painful for a Dwarf, especially a drunk Dwarf), then said, "We could glue one on! We jush need to take some hair from yer head, and stick it on yer lip!"
"You really think (hic) I would look good with a mushass, er (hic), mustache?" Legolas asked, holding his finger across his upper lip.
"Aye! Yer kind are too hairless fer me taste...makes me feel badly fer that wee babe...no hair at all!" Gimli said sadly, shaking his head.
"Will you two SHUT UP?" Elrond shouted, slamming his mug down on the table. "I am having a crisis here, if either of you are interested!"
"Sorry, Laddie...go on, tell us yer troubles," Gimli faced Elrond again, leaning forward, trying to keep his eyes focussed.
"It is just that seeing Arwen with a baby of her own...well, for the first time, I feel...old." Elrond confessed, looking more depressed than either of the other two had ever seen him.
"Bah! Yer immortal, you ninny! You can't be old!" Gimli exclaimed, waving his mug at Elrond. He succeeded in splashing a great deal of ale on the table in the process.
"I didn't say I was old, Dwarf, although I am over 7,000 years...I said that for the first time I felt old!" Elrond repeated, sighing and taking a drink of his own ale. "What is left for me but to sail across the sea? And even then, I have Galadrial to look forward to...the witch. She made my life here hell, and she's likely to do the same there. My children are all grown, living their own lives with children of their own. My wife sailed without me years ago and is probably boinking every Maia in sight. My mother-in-law-the-beast is assuredly sitting on the shores of Valinor waiting to sink my ship before it reaches the harbor, and here I sit with you two - a drunken Dwarf who is obsessed with facial hair, and a drunken Elf with facial hair envy! My life is over..." he concluded, laying his head face-down on the table.
"There, there, Laddie..." Gimli said, patting Elrond on the shoulder, while rolling his eyes at Legolas. "It's not as bad as all that! Why, yer still young enough to do whatever ye fancy! Tell me, Lad, what is it ye wish to do?"
"I don't know," Elrond replied, not lifting his face from the table. "Something...anything!"
"Elrond, your twins (hic) don't have children...do they?" Legolas asked, now holding a clump of his long, platinum hair across his upper lip. "They didn't sail to Valinor, (hic) did they?"
"No. They refused to go. Said they'd be bored there. And they have no children, or wives, for that matter. At least, none that I'm aware of..." Elrond replied, still face down on the table. "Why?"
"Have you any (hic) idea where they are (hic) now?" Legolas asked, picking up a spoon and holding that over his upper lip.
Finally picking his head up from the table, Elrond squinted at Legolas. 'Elladan and Elrohir were in Rohan, last I heard. They had always wanted to open a tavern - of all things - and found a location that they liked in Edoras."
"What say you that we (hic) travel to Rohan to see your sons?" Legolas asked, grabbing a hank of Gimli's beard and holding it over his upper lip.
"Legolas, Laddie...what are ye doing with me beard?" Gimli pulled his beard away from Legolas. Turning to Elrond, he said, "Methinks that's a great idea! Look at the fun we had coming over the mountains from Mirkwood! Would be jush as mush fun going to Rohan!"
"Are you insane, Dwarf? You think that journey was fun? You don't recall nearly drowning Legolas, or having to climb the mountains without benefit of pack or weapons? Besides, Eowyn still bears me a grudge because Arwen married Aragorn," Elrond stated, shaking his head at the Dwarf.
"Nonsense! I'm sure she's let bygones be bygones by now! Besides, we have a few dirty little secrets to hold over the Sheildmaiden's head, now don't we?" Gimli chuckled, elbowing Legolas, who was holding a candle, lit, over his upper lip. "Legolas, Laddie, yer setting yer hair on fire..."
"Oh," Legolas said, trying to spit on his hair to put it out, but managing to miss and hit Gimli in the eye. He finally dumped his mug of ale over his head to put out the flame.
"Damn waste of ale, Laddie," Gimli clucked, shaking his head. "Elrond, it will be a grand trip! Tell me yer not afraid of Eowyn! Tell me yer not frightened of going to Rohan... ye bloody coward!"
"Call ME a COWARD? You shaggy little warg-dropping! I'll show YOU who is a coward! We leave for Rohan at first light!" Elrond shouted, standing and stalking out of the room.
"Is it me, or does he need to get laid?" Gimli asked Legolas, taking a deep drink of his ale.
Legolas didn't reply. He was too busy holding his finger over his upper lip and trying to see his reflection in the bowl of a spoon.