Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. Legolas: Are you completely mad? I would stop picking on me if I were you... Me: Are you threatening me, Elf? Legolas: Not me...my fangirls. They are NOT happy. Me: Ha! I could make them happy by simply dropping your drawers! Legolas (with pants down around his ankles): You are obsessed with other people's breeches.

Chapter 13

Outburst

Having left Minas Tirith behind, Elrond, Gimli, and Legolas traveled the Great Western Road into Rohan. They climbed the green foothills of the White Mountains, and followed the path that led between the barrows of the past kings, to where the city stood, protected by its three outer lines of defense - the dike, the wall, and the palisade.

"Theoden was really a bit much with the whole defense thing, don't you think?" Elrond said, eyeing the sharpened stakes of the palisade. "Eowyn is hardly any better...she insists on the highest security, even though there is no longer anyone who wishes to make war on Rohan. I personally believe that paranoia runs in the family."

"HALT! Who goes there?" came a voice from high up on the palisade.

"GIMLI, SON OF GLOIN, LEGOLAS, PRINCE OF MIRKWOOD and Elrond, Lord of Rivendell..." Elrond screamed back the first two names, but whispered his own.

"WHO WAS THAT LAST ONE?"

"ELROND, LORD OF RIVENDELL" Gimli bellowed, making Elrond wince.

"The Dwarf is only three feet tall, and his mouth takes up two of those feet!" Elrond thought, making a mental note to pummel the Gimli at the earliest convenience.

"Elrond? Arwen's Elrond?" one guard said to the other, elbowing him in the midsection, "this ought to be good!"

The gate was opened, admitting the trio past the dike and wall and into the city. A guard stood at the entry, waiting to escort them up into Medulseld, the Golden Hall.

Entering the great Hall, the guard announced their arrival. Stepping up the long aisle toward the pair of thrones at the head, Elrond stopped short as a dagger implanted itself at his feet.

"Elrond...how good to see you," Eowyn called with syrupy sweetness from her throne. "Sorry...my aim doesn't seem to be what it once was."

"Aye...she missed!" whispered Gimli to Legolas, as they stood behind Elrond. "She was probably aiming for his heart...I've never seen anyone hold a grudge like that woman!"

"Eowyn...you're looking as lovely as ever," Elrond said, trying desperately to sound gracious. He had no wish to incur her further wrath.

"What have we to thank for your visit, Elrond? Have you brought word from Gondor? I hope all is well with Aragorn...has Arwen given birth? Is it normal, or does it look like her?" Eowyn asked, beckoning them to approach the thrones. "Better yet, did Arwen not survive?" she continued, just a hint of hope tingeing that statement.

"She is well, as is my grandson, thank you very much. Really, Eowyn, you are a married woman now...let it go! It's getting tiresome," Elrond said, losing his patience.

"He is right, dear...we are married. It isn't seemly for you to still be thinking of another man," Faramir said, with a slight lisp.

"Shut up, Faramir. If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you!" Eowyn hissed, smacking her husband on the shoulder. She turned again to Elrond and said, "Surely Aragorn is getting tired of her by now! Hasn't she gotten fat? Lazy? Disfigured in some tragic accident?"

" No, of course not! Arwen is still the picture of loveliness," Elrond replied, pride in his voice for his beautiful daughter, regardless of her preoccupation with the baby during his visit.

"Eowyn, darling, I really think..." Faramir began hesitantly, reaching out to take Eowyn's hand.

"Shut up, Faramir!" Eowyn hissed again, grabbing his hand and twisting it up sharply. Faramir fell off the throne, clutching his hand to his chest. He slowly climbed back on, nursing his wounded wrist.

"Give me one good reason, Elrond, why I shouldn't have you locked up in the dungeon for ever having the poor sense to give life to that Elven bitch!" Eowyn cried, losing all control. "Aragorn was MINE! We could have combined our kingdoms! I should have been Queen of Gondor AND Rohan! I should have had his child...not that wimpy, fat-lipped, mithril-wearing freak you call a daughter!"

Every hair on Elrond's neck stood on end at Eowyn's raving. He also had a temper and completely lost it now.

"I have had just about enough of your obsessive, childish, whining, overbearing behavior, Eowyn! Do you really want to know the reason Aragorn would not give you the time of day? Do you REALLY want to know? It is because you haven't been able to keep your knees together since you were twelve!"

"Really, everyone, I think we need to take a time-out here..." Faramir said weakly, still clutching his hand, which was visibly swollen.

"SHUT UP, FARAMIR!" Eowyn and Elrond bellowed together.

Gimli pulled on Legolas' tunic, and put his mouth to the Elf's ear. "Laddie, methinks perhaps it's time for a diversion...we need to do something before they get physical...and we both know who would win that fight!" he whispered urgently. "Turn on ye charm, Laddie...go on now, before she disembowels him!"

Legolas swallowed hard then approached Eowyn's throne. He bowed low before her, and took her hand in his. Looking into her eyes, he said, in his deepest, most seductive voice, "Eowyn, how I have counted the days until I could return to look upon your loveliness once more..."

"Elf? What are you talking about? You barely even spoke to me during the siege!" Eowyn asked suspiciously, trying to pull her hand from Legolas' grasp.

"Only because I knew how heartbroken you were over Aragorn's indelicate refusal of your attentions...I, um...didn't want to overwhelm you... You do remember that evening we spent together before that though, don't you? In your bedroom...and in the courtyard...and the kitchen...and behind your father's throne...while he was sitting on it?" Legolas replied, picking up her hand and kissing it. "After that, things got a little crazy, what with the Urak Hai, and the dead guys, and the Oliphaunts and everything...I had not a moment to seek you out!"

"Um, excuse me...husband sitting right here, remember?" Faramir said, tapping Legolas on the shoulder, and tapping his own chest.

"If you don't shut up, Faramir, I will reach over, pull out your heart, and feed it to you before you die!" Eowyn spat, never taking her eyes off Legolas.

"Oh. Ah...yes, dear," Faramir lisped, shrinking down in his seat.

"Elrond, I believe you and the Dwarf should go and visit your sons at their new tavern. It seems the Elf and I have some business to attend to..." Eowyn declared, dismissing the others. She stood, took hold of Legolas wrist, and firmly led him through the doorway to her private chambers.

Legolas turned his head before disappearing down the hall, fear clouding his features, and mouthed "Help me!"

"We may never see him again..." Elrond said, shaking his head sadly. "There goes a very brave Elf."

"Aye, Laddie, Aye. I'll miss him."

"I hate when she does this! First Aragorn, then everything with three legs at the camp, and now the Elf! She needs a good talking to, that one does..."

"SHUT UP, FARAMIR!" Elrond and Gimli called back over their shoulders as they left the Great Hall.