You lead me to this cavern, and you seemed excited, Jin. So I followed, wondering what could have you in such spirits, for as jubilant as you normally were, it was obvious you were extremely excited today. You took me in your arms, and I grew confused, and then you said those words, those words that shattered my psyche.
"NO! No, don't do this to me, Jin!" I broke from your arms. Memories came unbidden of you and me. Since the day you had rescued me, so long ago, we'd been inseparable. I began crying, thinking of what those words could mean, how devastating they be. I couldn't remember waking up with out you, even. Now, all of that could change, because of those three simple words. DAMN! Why did words mean so much? Words have only as much power as we give them – why did I let them have so much power? Because Jin said them?
"You're the only friend I have Jin, I can't lose you!" You look confused, Jin. Surprise, surprise. No one can understand me; I'm too wrapped up in ice. Those words could destroy us, why are you saying such things?! You're so loose, Jin! "You're too easy with words, you say things you don't mean, and mean things you don't say; you do it all the time!" I don't want you to tell me that this is one of those cases, and I don't want you to tell me it's true either. I don't want you to say anything, just hold me!
You and me
Used to be together, everyday together, always
I really feel that I'm losin' my best friend
I can't believe this could be the end!
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real, well I don't want to know!
"Touya, what's wrong? Touya, didn' ye hear what I said? I love you!"
"SHUT-UP!" I don't want to hear it! Any of it! This could change everything: ruin everything! If you say those words, I have to say them back, and then who knows how we'll have to change, just because those three stupid, damned words!
"Touya?!"
"STOP! Don't tell me! I don't want the how or why, just stop!" I know the words before they leave your lips, so don't say them and reaffirm my crashing sanity! Don't explain to me your love, or why it's right! I don't want to change what we have; what if we lose it! Thinking of us drawing apart, it kills me! You're one of the very few people I've ever come close to, ever opened up to, I don't want to lose you to three simple words!
Don't speak!
I know just what you're saying!
So please stop explaining!
Don't tell me 'cuz it hurts!
"Jin, unsay it! Please, take the words away! Don't say anything else, don't hurt me again!"
"Touya, I dun' understan', I'm not tryin' ta hurt yer..."
"Exactly! Just be quiet, just be silent, don't say anything else, please!" Oh, Jin, I know you think this will help, but it won't! Jin, don't make us change; don't make me change! You've changed me so much, Jin, I can barely find myself! I'm losing sight of where I end and you begin, just stop! I know what you're thinking! I know it! You're thinking we'll be lovers; you'll have me every night to yourself! Don't say those words, Jin! If you say them, I'll have to admit I love you. And then I'll find you're only lying, or that you only want me at night, and it will break me, I know it! Don't change me anymore; just let us stay friends forever! I don't want you to tell me why it will be better! Just be quiet! "You're breaking my heart!"
"Touya, I dun' understan'!"
"Of course not, how could you?! How could anyone!"
Don't speak!
I know what you're thinking!
And I don't need your reasons!
Don't tell me, 'cuz it hurts!
I draw away from you, and away from the present, and fade to memories of us together. My thoughts are filled with your laughing, smiling face, joking around. My thoughts of you are warm, and call to me, but there is darkness there, as everywhere. You! You're so wonderful, but even you have your faults. You terrify me, because I let you have so much control over me.
Memories... The first time you picked me up suddenly, and lifted my feet off the ground. I was petrified at first; I couldn't stop thinking about how far the ground suddenly was, and I shut my eyes tight and begged you to put me down. But you told me to open my eyes and look, and I finally did, and it was breathtaking. You flew around with me for a while, and I looked at the ground in awe.
And suddenly, you tossed me up in the air, and I began falling. I looked at you with my eyes wide, and for a moment, you just floated there in the air. Then you flew down, even faster then I fell, and suddenly you were out of my sight. And then you caught me, trembling, only a few feet before the treetops. You were smiling and laughing, and I trembled in your hands. I told you to never do that again. And then you weren't laughing, you actually looked concerned, and you swore you would never do it again, ever. But it had still happened. You couldn't undo it, just like you couldn't unsay those three damned words!
Our Memories...
They can be inviting
But some are all together mighty
Frightening!
I feel myself shatter within; I'm dying and falling away, because you've said those words, those words! And I'm dying because I've longed for those words, yearned for them, but I never admitted to myself, not till now. I never realized how much I wanted you to say it, I never realized... And I think you're dying to, because I'm in too much shock to say what you want to hear, I think you're dying because I'm afraid to change, I'm intimidated by change.
You watch me sobbing, away from you, and I think that if you didn't feel the need to be strong for us both, I think you would be crying too. And this is another reason I know I love you, because I can cry in front of you, and I don't feel ashamed for you to see my tears. I don't feel ashamed to know that you've seen me lose control, abandon myself. Gods, why can't you take those words away!
As we die,
Both you and I,
With my head in my hands, you see me cry!
"Touya, please, dun' cry, not abou' this! Dun' cry because I love ye! Touya, yer hurtin' me!"
"Stop it! Jin! You have no idea, do you! No idea how much it hurts me! I know what you're saying, don't say it! Don't you say you love me, don't you say it again! I heard it, don't say it!" You try and talk to me, but I scream over you. I don't want you to explain, don't you see?! All anyone's ever given me is lies! So, be silent! You can't lie to me if you don't say anything! I don't want any more lies! "It hurts, Jin! It hurts, to think! To think, I don't know!"
Don't tell me why, I know all the reasons why... At least, I know why I love you... You're warm and happy, and I suppose in a way you've healed me, freed me, though I'm like a servant to fulfill your every whim. I give you so much power! It is painful to think of how I give you such control over me. I guess I don't know why you love; what am I to be loved by such a spirit as you?
Don't speak!
I know just what you're saying!
So, please stop explaining!
Don't tell me 'cuz it hurts!
"No! No, no, no!" I know you must think I'm good enough for you. But that's another reason I refuse to let you say those words – I'm not good enough for you, not in this or any other lifetime. No one's perfect, but you're so much closer to it than I. Don't let me sully you anymore than I have; don't let me tarnish you!
"Stop, you always talk, Jin, won't you just be quiet this once?" I'm sobbing still, and you're trying to explain, but I don't want your whys. "I know what you must think of me, Jin, but it's not true! Don't love me, I'm not worth it!"
"Touya! Of course ye are! What are ye talkin' about?!"
"JIN! Oh, please!" It hurts so much! My tears, even as they freeze halfway down my cheeks, burn at my eyes, and the ice pulls and chaps my skin. My chest is aching from my tears, but within my chest lays my heart, which mourns.
It hurts to see you in such pain; it burns to know I am the cause. "Don't you see? Don't you see! How can I hurt us both so much; don't say those words!" Those three words that mean so much to me.
No, no, no!
Don't speak!
I know what you're thinking!
And I don't need your reasons!
Don't tell me, 'cuz it hurts!
We're being torn apart by it; it's eating us alive! Do you not see it, Jin, the way those words are raping us?! I feel as though the skin is being cut away from my body! I feel like someone's tearing my heart out through my throat! I see you in such pain as I! Take them back! Take the words away!
Stop acting so strong for us! Stop pretending you aren't hurt! It's just another way of lying! DAMN YOU! I finally let down my guard before you, and yours goes up?! What is that! I've pretended and lied all my life, Jin. How come the one time I stop lying, you start?! Jin, you dumb fuck! "It's all your fault!"
It's so rending
Got to stop pretending
Who we are!
Jin, I feel like dying, again. You got so mad, when you first saw my wrists, and all the scars left from my life before you. I hadn't cut once since I'd met you. I need to cut again. I halfway wonder if you would join me.
I see the end of us. I see us changing and growing apart. I see myself losing the only friend I've ever had. "Don't leave me, Jin!"
"I'm not goin' anywhere!"
Is that what's going to happen?! Are we going to fall apart?!! Those damned words! You'll say you love me, and then I'll say it back. Then you'll take me off to bed and the next day you'll forget about me. Or you'll keep me as a toy or a trophy, and eventually I'll find out and I'll run away. I'll kill myself, I swear I will, if that happens to us. Is that what's going to happen, Jin?!
You and me,
I can see us dying,
Are we?!
And still you try to tell me what you mean, but I know exactly what you mean! Or maybe I don't, but I know what you're saying, and I know what will happen. I can't take it! I can't take this anymore! "Shut it, Jin! I told you, it hurts! Don't you understand! Maybe you're not always the quickest to pick up on my moods, but can't you tell this time?! I just want quiet!
"Can't you see, Jin! Don't you see what you're doing to me? And what I'm doing to you because of it? Just stop, Jin, then neither of us have to hurt like this! I can't bare it! I hate hurting you like this!"
"Then what's wrong? If ye don' want ta hurt me than liss'en!"
Don't speak!
I know just what you're saying!
So please stop explaining!
Don't tell me 'cuz it hurts!
"NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!! HOW MANY TIMES MUST I BEG YOU TO STOP?!" I'm screaming, screaming my lungs out, trying to block your voice. "I don't want this!" I love you, I love you, no, no, no! I want it so bad, but I'm so afraid, "NO REASONS! NO MORE! THEY'RE JUST EXCUSES!" That's all anyone's reasons have ever been, except my mother's and master's. But even my master's reasons were sometimes just excuses. I'm so SICK of reasons, shallow reasons that don't mean anything; anything at all!
My throat and lungs hurt from screaming, from sobbing, from begging, from pleading. My body's wracked and tensed from tears that flow in rivers from my eyes. My eyes are burning and squeezed tight shut, but that won't stop the tears. I'm choking, I can barely breathe, oh gods, help us both!
No, no!
Don't speak!
I know what you're thinking!
And I don't need your reasons!
Don't tell me, 'cuz it hurts!
Don't tell me, 'cuz it hurts!
"Touya! Stop yer screamin'!" I can barely hear you now. I don't know if I'm still screaming or if it is just the ghosts of my screams reverberating in my mind, but your voice is gone, for now. But I know you; you can talk through anything. I'm unaware of myself, I think I crawled over to you, I think I put my hands in yours and laid my head on your chest, and I think I sobbed on you for a while longer.
Now you're whispering- soft, quiet little endearments – endearments? NO! I'm NOT your dear, I'm NOT your snow or your love or your anything! You're whispering, but you're still saying those three damned words: telling me why they're true. You're telling me about the things you see in me – how can you see anything in me? "Jin, please no...." I whisper to you, now conscious of the fact that I'm sitting in your lap, and I wondered how I got here. I was about to get up and run away, when I had an idea.
I put my hands to your cheeks as though in caress. You quiet a moment, and slowly I let my chill numb you. Numb lips let pass no words – at least, not clear ones. Then you realize what I'm doing
I know what you're saying,
So, please stop explaining!
Don't Speak! Don't Speak! Don't Speak! Oh!
I know what you're thinking!
I don't need your reasons!
You push my hands away, glaring, and I start crying, then I jolt out of your lap, and I run. I left the cave, running more slowly than I could have because I can't see, I can't feel, and I can't get my balance. And I run through the forest, stumbling and tripping, till I dive headlong into a snowdrift. Then you're there, helping me up, like I knew you would.
I knew you would. I knew it. I know you so well, Jin. That's another one of my reasons (my excuses) for why those three words are so hard. I know you so well, yet I never realized that you felt that way about me. Maybe I never let myself realize.
I'd known you so long; I didn't think you could surprise me anymore. When we first met, you were always shocking me, but I'd thought I'd grown used to you – I thought there was nothing more you could do to catch me off guard. Don't do that to me!
"Jin, Jin, Jin! Jin, don't say anything more!"
I know ye good!
I know ye good!
I know ye real good!
Don't! Don't! Don't!
You're only mumbling now.
"I'm sorry, if it makes ye feel better. It's okay, I got ye, I won't let ye hurt."
I can't stop hushing you though, because I'm still afraid you'll start again. "Sh, Jin, hush." I don't want to hurt anymore, those three words hurt, because I'm afraid to say them back to you.
Hush, hush, darling!
Hush, hush, darling!
Hush, hush, don't tell me, 'cuz it hurts!
You keep whispering, just nonsense, you're just trying to get me to stop crying now, I know it, and you're shivering in the snow. "Hush, okay? Just let the snow's silence clean us..." I say, and you're shaking, but you nod. But you're teeth are chattering. You never could be quiet, Jin.
"You're cold. I keep telling you to wear a proper shirt." I say through a stuffed-up nose and the ice on my cheeks is breaking apart as I talk. I pull off my tunic and hand it to you. An ice master like me doesn't need the extra garment.
I'm on fire inside anyhow. God, how I burn still, but it's fading away, the hurt. It's disappearing, and I feel my love for you growing in spite of myself. So that's what that feeling was all this time. I'm not ready, but now those words have been spoken. I know you want me to say those three words to you. But I'm not ready. I'm so afraid. I'm sorry to hurt you like this: make you wait like this. But I can't do it. It hurts to hurt you. But I'm not ready.
Hush, hush, darling!
Hush, hush, darling!
Hush, hush, don't tell me, 'cuz it hurts!
"Thanks..." You whisper, as you slip it on. It's a little small, but you've said before it helps so....
"Hush." Just let the snow's silence clean us, let those words go away for a while, let the pain go away for a while. Let us be alone for a while. I love you. I swear I do. But I'm not ready. I can't admit it yet. But I will one day. One day I'll tell you how much I love you. And then no one will be hurt. No one will cry. "Hush." I breath it; I sigh it. The word is barely there. You look at me, and I shake my head.
"I'm not ready."
"Hush, then."
Hush, hush, darling!
Hush, hush, darling!