Chapter Three - Letters from Everyone

Harry glanced at the piece of paper blankly. There was nothing written on it. He gasped, then frowned, then started yelling abusive words at the paper. None of these worked. Harry frowned again, fixing the expression on his face so the wiggly line became invisible between his folds of skin.

'Typical' he muttered to himself. That's when he heard Uncle Onion rapping on the door.

'Go away!' Harry barked. The knocking continued.

'Ignore it' he muttered to himself, giving the paper a scathing look before going for the door.

'Harry' Uncle Onion chimed through the door.

'What?' Harry snapped, wrenching the door open.

'There's someone at the door for you' he said. Harry could see the infuriated glint in his eyes he always got whenever he passed. The Dursleys hated him. He knew they did, and no matter how hard they had tried to keep it a secret, they hated him with all their might. Harry took great pleasure in taunting them; testing their limits when things got boring.

'Who?' said Harry testily. Uncle Onion glowered and stormed off. Harry almost skipped down the stairs with glee. When he came to the front door, however, he did not skip or jump, but did more of a sort of yelp mixed with a forward role as he tripped on Dudley's roller skates. Rubbing his sore back, Harry got up steadily, propping himself up on the door-handle. There in front of him was a man dressed in a blue uniform and cap, with a thick bag under his arm. He looked at Harry, who was frowning and looking mildly dazed, then gasped and thrust his bag out before im, kneeling on one foot.

'Oh my' he stammered, removing his cap and keeping his head low.

'Who're you?' asked Harry rudely. 'And what's that bag?' Uncle Onion suddenly came clamouring down the stairs.

'I am Patrick, good sir' the young man said. 'Patrick of the Postal Service. This is the bag I have containing all the letters for you. You are most popular.'

'Patrick of the what?' Harry exclaimed, taking the back cautiously. Uncle Onion started yelling things but the Postal man didn't seem to notice.

'The Postal Service' Patrick repeated. Harry didn't know if it were some kind of a joke or not.

'Right,' he said sceptically. Patrick thrust the bag into his hands as he stood up.

'It was an honour to meet you, Harry Potter' the man said, and ran off down the road. Harry looked at the bulky blue, drawstring bag he was holding in his hands. There seemed to be many letters inside.

Uncle Onion wasn't there when he turned around, nor was he blocking his way to Harry's room. Harry didn't see anyone at all as he closed the door behind him. He sat on his bed for a few minutes, clutching the bag and thinking. Where had they gone? He cast a meaningful glance at the bag at the end of his bed, as if wanting an explanation. The bag sat in silence, allowing Harry to contemplate further.

'You suck' Harry muttered to the bag. The bag's tied end flopped to one side. Harry suddenly found sympathy for the poor bag, and he patted it quietly. He let his eyes drift around the room for a while, pondering on why he didn't open the bag and what he was going to be having for dinner when he saw the letter on the floor. It had writing on it! Amazed, Harry dove for the letter and picked it up. What he saw made him do a double take, fall on the floor and faint. In his hand, still held tightly were four words:

'Welcome to Hackwords Academy.'

When Harry woke up a few hours later, it was early evening. He was lying in his bed, the piece of paper still clutched in his hands, and his head throbbing slightly. He glanced at the words again and felt like fainting, but he knew this would be melodramatic. Harry felt panicky. He was confused. Hackwords? The woman had told him he was in Hackwords, and this piece of paper concluded that fact. The problem was, what was Hackwords?

He dove for the sack of letters and wrenched the bag open. He tipped the contents out and looked at the mass of letters before him. Over one hundred assortments of letters rolled on top of each other. He stared for a few seconds and sat down on the edge of his bed again. He picked up the first one and opened it steadily. A piece of paper was folded inside. He opened it carefully and glanced at the paper and read

Triple X Action!

Enlarge your penis with Mr. Gill's Growth Pills

Guaranteed to change your life forever!

Buy now and you'll never be lonely again!

Only $12.99

Buy now!

Harry stared, before discarding the letter. He picked up the next one cautiously and opened the parchment.

Get the NEW

Hello Kitty Mastercard!

You can go anywhere with this baby!

Usable in the UK, US and most English speaking countries.

This card does not allow you to transact money from ATM banks or can it be used in any personal banking accounts.

The purpose of Hello Kitty Mastercards is to look SUPER COOL!!!

And, you can probably get SUPER ONE PLUS bonus at One Hundred Bargain stores near you!

This was getting ridiculous. He looked at the next one and ripped it open. He pulled the paper out and read through the letter.

Ug, ug ug, ug, neer uggle ug ug.

Ug ug SUPER ONE PLUS!

Ug grrer nerr ug ug

Uggle un neer uggle nrregre blaghed blachen blage.

Ugg uh gug bleur ugg ug.

UG HELLO Blagen UG!

Kitty's ug, bag blarrgh.

Ug Ug!

'Wow, that was informative' Harry said sarcastically. He tossed it aside. Letter after letter contained various bits of junk mail, and the occasional fan mail from various people such as Eloise Backstabber and Harmony Redrum; these of which Harry thought it was better that he didn't know them. Finally, after an hour of Penis Enlargement adverts and a sale at Pizza Shack that July, he came across the two letters he'd been looking for. One had a seal on it; the other had a small stamp on the back. Harry held the letter with the seal on it in his hands. It was thick and heavy. The stamp on the back was that of an eagle and cannon, separated by a diagonal line of corn stacks. He broke the wax carefully and opened the letter.

Hackwords Academy of Non-Magical Technology

Headmistress: Brenda Mumblemore

(Order of Bill Gates, First Class, Grand Hacker, Chief Business Woman, Supreme Technician, Interational Confederation of Muggles)

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hackwords Academy of Non-Magical Technology. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on September 1. We await your Sender by no later than July 31.

Yours sincerely,

Stanley McMonnohawk

Deputy Headmaster

'Eh?' he said, re-reading the letter. He picked up the next one and opened it.

Dear Mr. Potter,

I, Rumnus Madgrid will be collecting you by no later than ten o'clock on Tuesday 30th of July to escort you to Microchip Alley. We will be buying your school things and sending a reply Sender to Hackwords. You will be returned to your home at six o'clock in the evening.

Yours truly, Madgrid

Gamekeeper at Hackwords

'Well, this makes sense' said Harry, fairly bewildered. He glanced at the calendar hanging on the back of his door. It was the 29th of July...