AN: I have no words, I know I don't update, and I know I don't write too long chapters, but I'm muse-less, I've always been, so I'm sorry. Also I've been trying get the little inspiration I do posses in my other WIPs specially Behind Blue Eyes of which I'll be updating a big chapter in a couple of days, so in the meantime here is this. Boy is this taking a direction I wasn't counting on, this was suppose to be a light fluffy what if, and now is getting a tad angsty (by my writing standars anyway) I Hope this chapter is of your liking.

Chapter 3 :To forgive, not to forget.

"Spike wait!" Said Buffy taking off after him, he had just close the door to the basement and even though he heard her, he didn't look back, he just continue to make his way down, where she followed.

"Spike!"

He let out a long sight while pulling himself on top of his cot "What now Slayer? Please tell me is battle plans because I can't keep on doing this" he motioned with his finger pointing to her then at him a couple of times.

"Doing what? I thought is what you wanted"

"No what I want is going a single bloody day without you toying with me, that's what I want"

"I'm not toying with you"

"Bollocks! Is all you do"

"No! is all I used to do, I'll give you that" she paused "but I haven't- I'm not trying to lead you on and the kick you when you're down. not now, not after"

"The soul" he filled.

"the bleeding soul that doesn't change a thing, It helps out; makes me want to be someone worthy, better, but doesn't change the past and it certainly doesn't do a 180 in your attitude"

"My attitude?! Maybe I want to be with you and this is what I get? I need to change my attitude?"

"No, you dont want me" he exclaimed before she'd change the subject "you just don't want me elsewhere, said it yourself"

"No!" she yelled frustrated and then shook her head and took a breath to continue.

"Yes I want you here! I want you near me, I just want you, I need you, I do" the blond tried o reasured him.

"Of course you need me, upcoming battle and all"

"That's not what I'm saying"

"Then what are you saying? That all of the sudden you love me?" he snorts at that "That you go on one date ask me to move on but when things don't go your way you decide that you want me? Is that It?"

"I-"

"No off course it isn't, because you'd actually have to admit that I matter to you, that I'm important and we can't have that, not when we can have "normal" with principal boy" she went to stand right in front of him, wanted to shake him but she wouldn't, couldn't.

"I care about you, you're important! what's wrong with you? You should know that And what is this? a jelousy thing?"

He kept his tirade like he hadn't heard her. "But then I say I'll go, leave you be, and that's not gonna cut it either because -because" he choke up and look at her in the eyes supplicant "Why Buffy, why do you keep doing this? If you care so much then why?" he begged for an answer.

"Doing what? Spike please tell me what I'm doing, I just thought, we could work it out"

"Stop giving me hope, you know I'll do whatever you want, follow you to hell and back, but just stop it because we both now it's not gonna happen, you might think you want to consider this 'us' thing tonight but tomorrow It'll be a different story, always is with you"

'It won't be' she wanted to scream at him, she wanted to tell him that he was wrong, that she had seen him change and love him for that, that she had changed too, that she loved him, but did she? Was this love? Or was it a panicked reaction at the thought of his leaving? Give him what he wanted to hear so she could have what she wanted? Lie to him? No wonder he didn't trust her. 'He doesn't trust me.' She said to herself in disbelief.

"No maybe I don't, I don't even know anymore" he responded, and she realized she had said it out loud.

"oh god" she said, her eyes full with unshed tears, and a look of pure horror on her face, she felt broken.

It broke his heart too but she had to know, he wanted to take it back and promise it would be alright but she had to know.

And in that moment she did know, for the first time she realized that trust and love and caring and forgiveness went to ways, and he hadn't forgiven her. Had she even said she was sorry? Ever? Well she said it when she broke things of with him, but it wasn't about forgiveness back then, it was about excuses and defensiveness.

And now? How to make him trust her again? When had he stopped? Had he ever? Or was he too involve in his obsession with loving her that he never even consider to trust her, because it was always about her? Well then she'd make it about them and the first step was hers to make.

"I'm sorry" she said once with pleading eyes "Spike I'm sorry" she repeated once more, before letting her soul sob out all that she couldn't express with words.

"oh luv don't-"he went to her and held her trying to soothe her, while she repeated over and over how sorry she was and to please forgive her.

"I'm sorry to sweetheart so sorry" he whispered, then manoeuvred them to the cot, where they sat. And they cried together. And they held each other, until they fell asleep.