DISCLAIMER: CLAMP ©®™ OWNS ALL RIGHTS TO CARDCAPTOR SAKURA ©®™ AND ALL OF IT'S CHARACTERS THEREIN. THIS IS A FANFICTION MEANT FOR FAN VIEWING AND NOT PROFIT. SNOWBLIND© BELONGS TO SYSTEM OF A DOWN. See translations at the bottom of the page.

Chapter 5: Life through rose- colored glasses

If everything was always perfect in the world, we'd all be viewing it through rose-colored glasses, if everything were what you wished for, you'd be seeing rose-colored light... but the truth is that not everything is perfect and not everything is what you wished for. So you might as well break those rose-colored glasses honey because they get you nowhere in life.

Smashed, broken pieces that couldn't be glued, this was what Tomoyo and Touya both felt they were. Worthless, cold and without a soul, this was their mantra each day. Living a lie, frozen without anyone to love them. Damned with the split mind of an alter-self, smiling by day but, violent at night. Parents said they were loved but, it was all a lie, they were hurt and shoved away like they were nothing and then bribed to come back. A mother who died, a father who left, and as children who didn't have anyone to turn to, they were on their own. Through one twist of fate if it even existed, both of them had turned to each other only to push each other away.

Still ever persistent, knowing, pulling on the edge of their consciousness, they knew that there was no way that they could stay like that forever. One chased after the other, trying to pull himself together for her sake, just to see her almost crumble in the wake of desperate obsession. Was it an obsession? Yes! No one can deny this even if they tried.

It was night in the city of angels.
Tomoyo was awake, pacing around the room and speaking to herself. "I hate her, she left me all alone, but yet I want her...she means everything to me." "No damn it! she hates you! Why the hell would she leave you alone while she ran off to be with that bastard!?" "Syaoran is not a bastard, he loves Sakura... and she's happy with him." "Oh shut the hell up already! You are so sick, you know they have places for people like you." The face within her sneered at this. "Shut up...leave me alone."she said as tears spilled down her face. "Oh you're crying now, you are so weak. You can't even stand up to your own thoughts!"

"Why won't you go away?" "Because I'm the only thing that will justify these feelings."

She slid down to the floor like she has done so many other nights, hugging her knees close to her and sobbing.

"Sakura..." she said. "That's right, call out for her. You know what I bet Eriol could give you a most accurate account of their honeymoon."

"Why are you so cruel?" "You made me this way...remember?"

My eyes are blind but I can see the snowflakes glisten on the trees, their sound no longer sets me free; I feel there's no place freezing me.

Don't you think I know what I'm doing? You tell me that I'm doing it wrong, you're the one who's really a loser...this is where I feel I belong!

Tomoyo had been battling this alternate personality ever since she was sixteen, lying to her mother about going to a vocal coach when she was really going to see a Psychiatrist.

For a while things had been going really well, she wasn't slipping quite so often, and she no longer had thoughts of wanting to kill Syaoran, the doctor had advised that she write that letter as a way to get rid of her pent up frustration after telling about Sakura's upcoming nuptials.

That was a mistake, of course the woman said that she may digress in varying instances, but Tomoyo had never thought that she could fall this hard. "Kudaranai!" she whispered hoarsely. She shoved the thoughts into the back of her mind, standing up again, she wiped the running mascara off of her face with the back of her unblemished hand. Then she walked out into the kitchen, she heard the sound of water running in the bathroom, someone was taking a shower; so the idea of cleaning up was out. A thick notebook and pen as well as a battered copy of the Freudian Theory lay on the table, she walked over and sat down. Whose books were these? Chris's perhaps? After all this was his apartment, he had been a nice person and all but, he didn't seem like the type to study Freud. Opening the notebook, she found that it was Touya's handwriting.

{I don't know what to do, everything inside my head feels all screwed up, Chris gave me this book yesterday for music theory but I already finished my compositions.}

{Dad sent me a book the other day; he thought it might help what I'm going through...}

Tomoyo flipped through the pages, reading exactly what she couldn't put into words; suddenly she felt a hand grip her wrist tightly, the notebook was torn out of her hand and thrown across the room.

"Do you like seeing what I've had to deal with for eight years Tomoyo? Do you like seeing what hell I've become? You think you have it bad with being obsessed? You have no idea what it's like to be Me." he said.

"What...hearing a voice inside your head? Talking to yourself as though that part of you were taking over for split moments? Tearing your skin open just to feel pain? Smashing your fist into mirrors? Doing drugs? Trying to die? Answer me Touya what have you done that I haven't?"

"Have you ever read Dante's Inferno? Read about the seventh level of Hell, about the demons he describes. That is what I've been."

"I have read it...and what you've gone through was nothing like the seventh level." she said. "Now let go of me." she said trying to escape his grasp.

He let go of her and sighed, "I'm sorry." he said, walking away.

"Where is Chris?" Tomoyo asked changing the subject quickly as he went to go pick up the notebook.

"He's staying over his girlfriend's house for a while."

"Why?"

"He thought that you needed some space."

"He doesn't know anything does he?" she asked.

"No."

"Can we get out of here for a while?" she asked.

"You don't have anything with you, what are you going to wear?"

He shouldn't have asked that.

"You have any small shirts?"

He nodded and she smiled.

Two minutes later after rummaging through his suitcase, he happened to find his old Seijyo soccer club t-shirt, it was small on him, but on her it would be loose fitting and worn through, but it was the smallest thing he had so he had to make due.

He walked out and handed it to her, then she went and changed into it, and sure enough when she came out... it was to her knees in length.

Smiling, she pulled out her credit card, and pulled him out the door.

The stars were shining brightly, as they drove down the road; both of them were too caught up in thought to say much of anything to one another.

Tomoyo finally broke the silence, "Will you ever play again? The piano I mean... I know you play it now, but do you ever think that you will ever truly play again?"

He turned and stared at her, then spoke; "I haven't truly played in seven years... and if by some chance I do... it will only be before I die or when I've fallen in love again."

"Will you play for me?" she asked suddenly, surprising herself.

His gaze softened, how could he refuse her? Nodding, he then turned back to look out on the nightlife of California.

It seemed like the hours flew by as they went to the mall and other places that L.A was famous for. Tomoyo had sales personnel following her around as she bought numerous things, bags were piled on counters and on floors but she wouldn't change out of that old beat up and worn soccer shirt. It was almost endearing in the way she wore it, and it made him smile to think that she was for once genuinely happy.

She turned and smiled at him, a gentle smile that could melt even the coldest of hearts; but little did Touya know that Tomoyo was not as gentle as her smile showed.

She was no Mary... the little girl that was so perfect had died a long time ago.

When they returned to the apartment, both bid each other good night, but as Tomoyo turned to walk away, she felt Touya's hand grab hers, "Anata Boku itai sumimasen." he said and kissed her on the cheek.

"Kudaranai"- Worthless

"Anata Boku itai sumimasen."- I'm very sorry I hurt you.

A/N: Has anything ever made you feel like you were lost somewhere and you couldn't find your way out? I know I have, but I just kept listening to the music and just let it all flow over me, if you do that, nothing will bother you again.

Celtic Sorceress