Previously on Escaflowne what the hell I'm going tell you. You suck!--Read it yourself, LOSER! (1-18) There was that wasn't hard.!
Kay, so when the stupid future Van's pant finally shut up everyone ripped them off of Van (both) noticing that they were both commando and disposed of the singing (well 1 was) Escaflownes and Sakura ran to get them two bushes and some aspirin for herself and all the traumatized people.
MOMENTS LATER
Instead she returned with two balls of Aluminum Foil™. Sakura handed Van a ball of foil. "There is only one." Sakura shrugged after deceiving everyone with the ball of foil still in her hand.
"Hey, what's that?" Van (past) pointed referring to her hand.
"This is my aspirin. You should know that (well know you will) that everything of mine is wrapped in Aluminum Foil™." Sakura explained.
"Well, can I have the wrapping?" Van (past) asked.
Meanwhile, the future Van was busy molding a pair of pants out of shiny silvery-side foil, "Could you just give the guy the damn foil, or at least ask him to turn sideways?"
Julian grabbed his......Aluminum Foil™ and gave up, "For crying out loud use mine!" he offered and handed it to him. Julian transformed into a winged breast.
"Not another child." Van (past) said.
"OH MY GOD I got to go pee!" Ti said. Then he made a funny face and said, "And now I don't."
Julian the winged beast (who was not a draconian,) picked up Ti in his huge claws and flew away with him to his nest, to have his way with him.
Van was about to ran after Relena but Sakura stop her and grabbed Heero and pulled him with her after Relena, "Wait sister, dona goa. Heero wants to talk to you." Sakura screamed.
"I dona wanta talk her." Heero said, "I wanta have my way with her." Heero continued.
Out of no where an ugly looking creative appeared from the window.
"You must pay for the death of my sister." A strange voice said in the distance.
"Shut up Trunks, you can't stop me." The creature said
"Cell you will pay for your crimes," Trunks said
"Cut that's a rap." the director from the shadows said.
"Who the hell were they?" Goliath said.
We be back after these messages.... This show is brought to you by Sakura Van Fanel Aluminum Foil™ best used for anything. And I mean anything. Now back to our show.©®
"How could you do this to me Heero? I thought you loved me but that was probably a lie wasn't it. I hate you and I don't believe we were going to get married in the future. You have left me so many times I can't believe I didn't see it before. I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU HEERO YUY!" Relena screamed and started to cry.
"But Relena I do love you and I would never want you hurt you." Heero was going to say but Relena ran before he could. "There is only one thing I want to say to you. I LOVE YOU!"Heero finished. Relena ran back to Heero, "I love you and I will always love you." Heero told Relena. Heero grabbed Relena and ......This is Sir Jeremy Chasair talking to you. I;m here to tell you that I'm following in my dad's footsteps. I'm going to become the best Jigglo ever...... Heero grabbed Relena and pulled her aside into the bushes and throw her to the ground. Relena tried to get up but Heero wouldn't let her, "Let me go your hurting me. OUCH, that hurts." Relena screamed.
"I haven't even touch you yet." Heero said.
"Then's whose hands on my butt?" Relena said.
Heero bent down to see who was touching Relena's ass. It was Matt and behind him was everyone but Li and Sakura who were still standing on the other side looking for Relena. We will return to them later.
"Matt, get out here you loser, EUUU! He touched my ass!" Relena said.
"Get out of here you losers." Heero screamed. "I would like to talk to her in private."
"Oh that what you want to do okay." Matt said.
"Hey what are you guys looking at." Sakura asked. They turned around and there was Sakura holding the sword of Fanel, "Get out of here, or pay the price of Fanel." Sakura said as she drew her sword against Matt's neck. They ran screaming like the little girls they were.
"We're alone at last." Heero said.
"Um hello, Heero we're still here so slow it down." Li said.
"Well get your ass out of here." Heero said. Li and Sakura walked towards the castle of Fanel. When Heero turned around Relena was gone. "Relena, where are you? I just want to talk. Hanhan." Heero shouted.
Relena who was up Grandmother Willow (the tree not the person) started to swing her feet.
Heero seeing this grabbed her legs but missed riped her skirt off. "Ouww! Nice legs. What the hell are these?" Heero asked.
"They are Escaflowne's I got the idea from you." Relena answered.
"You got the idea from me?" Heero proclaimed to Relena.
"Yes I got the Goddamn Gundam idea from you." Relena exclaimed.
They continued on with their conversation for an hour.
SOMEWHERE IN FANEL'S CASTLE
"Li, you are such a jerk. I can't believe you called me a bitch!" Sakura screamed.
"And I can't believe your sister thinks we had sex when we were.. let's see she said 6 right?" Li asked.
"Here's my room, Gotta go." Li was about to enter Sakura's room when Alfred the Butler stopped hum. Sakura again draws the Fanel sword but this time is stopped by Li. "We don't have to kill him, we just have to knock him, unconchid."
NOW AT THE FRONT DOOR
"Heero you didn't have to walk me home." Relena spoked to Heero in a very demanding voice, "You tried to rape and now you think things are fine." Relena continued.
"Rape you! I wasn't trying to rape you. I was saving you from Allen's bastard son." Heero replied. Heero continued walking through the lounge and upstairs. Relena still standing at the door, she closed it and then ran after Heero. Heero saw Li, Sakura and Alfred and ducked out of the way just in time for Relena to run by him.
"HEERO GET OUT OF MY GODDAMN GUNDAM HOUSE." Relena screamed as loud as she could.
The Butler hearing this ran towards Relena, while doing so Li and Sakura jump into her bedroom. "Relena, what's wrong with you?" Alfred asked. She told him about Heero.
IN SAKURA'S BEDROOM
"Sakura I love you." Li said as he was about to take off his shirt.
"Can I watch?" a voice said from outside the window asked.
"Who the hell? Who ever you are, I would leave now?" Sakura shouted over the moans of Li. Sakura picked up her sword and throw it out the window. OUCH. "He's dead." Sakura said,.
"Who?" Li asked.
"I'm not going to get up and see who it is. You go asshole."
BACK IN THE HALLWAY
"I need to screw you Relena or Alfred will kill!" Heero yelled. Relena's face grimaced in surprise and Alfred fainted. All of a sudden Duo, Trowa, and Quatre walked in on behind the other whining with pain. In their stomaches was the sword of Fanel through their guts like a shis-kabob. "What the hell?" Relena asked.
"Um..." Duo started.
"Don't ask." Trowa replied.
Heero pulled out the sword resulting in all three bisexuals falling unconscious on top of each other.
"They'll be like that when they wake up." Relena commented.
Li suddenly appeared in Sakura's housecoat, upon realizing Heero and Relena were watching him, he screamed and ran from sight.
Alfred got up and tried to lunge at Relena, Heero pushed her aside causing her to crash into the wall and tackled him. Heero landed on top of Alfred and called for Relena, "Give me my gun! Or something."
Relena was disgusted at Heero's actions and went into her room, closing the door behind her.
Duo got up from the pile of fags and went over to Heero, "What ya doing?" he asked.
"I'm trying to kill Alfred!"
"Yo, Alfred wassup?" came Raen from out of nowhere. Alfred waved from his grounded position. "Where's Li?" she asked. Heero shrugged and realized he still had the sword of Fanel. Raen seen this and pointed at Duo, Trowa, and Quatre, "You perverts!"
Heero walked away from Alfred and glared at Duo, "Isn't your trio enough? Do your really need to get off on other people's ... uh."
"Do go there!" Raen warned.
Suddenly Li reappeared with his pot-hat, "Look I'm a pot-head." he exclaimed.
Raen transformed into a dove and flew away.
"Sakura I think we forgot something." Relena yelled from her room.
Sakura returned from her room (dressed) and entered Relena's. "What did we forget?"
"Our mission stupid! What about everything?"
Sakura was puzzled, "Everything? What are you talking about?"
"You know.. everything." Relena shrugged
"Oh yeah, well I got a box of TROWA Condoms before me and Li..."
Relena interrupted her, "Eew! Too much information! I meant before we were supposed to complete our mission stupid! Besides, you wouldn't have to use T.C.'s cause they one work for Trowa & there was no risk of getting S.T.D. from Li cause he's never (and probably will never) had sex with anyone but you. AND you can't get pregnant with a ten-year-old, he hasn't even gone through puberty. No sperm. Ha." Relena finally shut up.
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. What is our mission?" Sakura changed the subject back to what they were originally talking about. Just then Alfred kicked down the door. Sakura and Relena screamed as the old fart did a series of black-belt martial arts moves to a cushion and tore it to shreds. Sakura shrieked in her war-cry and drew a light-saber to defend her sister. "Alfred you cult-worshiper! I'll never let you sacrifice Relena to your loser god!" Sakura screamed at the trusty crazy butler.
Relena pushed Sakura aside saying, "Ah don't worry, I'll handle him." She took out her gold wings smacking Alfred sending him flying onto his wrinkly old arse.
Raen ran into the room and behind her was the bisexual Gundam pilots, "See Relena! You have to lose your viriniousity or this psycho will throw you in a volcano." Heero explained as Sakura kicked Alfred in his chest with a high-heeled pirate boot.
"I'd just fly away." Relena shrugged carelessly, shed do anything to keep being the only non-slut.
Alfred coughed, "I'd bound and tie to you so you couldn't use those wretched wings!" He started to sit up while saying, "Besides, if I don't give you to my god I'll have to hunt down the only other virgin left. the one they call Purple Shirt Willy."
Sakura gave him another sharp kick in the chest, "You mean Kyle. It's not that hard to find him. He always turns up sooner of later. If you want we can all help you get him." Sakura offered.
"Thanks Princess but I don't want to touch that freak. I'll just settle for your little sister over there. If you don't mind stepping off of me. My feelings towards this is rooted in only necessary evil. Because my good friend Raen wants King Van destroyed and how better to make him mad (if not destroyed) then taking his precious daughter! Haha... get my medication." Alfred hacked.
"You moron leave Relena out of it." Heero also landed a kick in Alfred's chest with his high-heel platinum yellow shoes.
"Yeah, don't hurt the little one. Poor baby dragon. I just want her daddy to suffer. She is my good friend." Raen smiled. It seemed that Raen had some kind of psychological problem(s). Which makes her a perfect character in this story.
"Whell, thanx Raen. By the way, when did you fly back my dove friend?" She then turned her attention to Alfred and with her high-heeled pirate-boot also thumped him in the saggy man-boobs. Her boot made a sound, BOING! "Nike Shox!" Relena explained. Everybody nodded, satisfied. Raen walked by everybody and transformed into a pair of Nike shoes. "Cute." Relena laughed at Raen.
"Hey guys check this out." Matt screamed from the lounge.
"What da hell? Who let you in?" Sakura screamed back.
"You won't believe what Van and Hitomi are doing!" Matt shouted.
"I don't want to know." Relena said.
"It's not gross, I don't think it is." Matt said.
BACK IN CASTLE DORNKIRK
"Van, how could you?" Hitomi (future) shouted. "You kissed the past Hitomi. I think you would be able to tell the difference between us." Hitomi finished
"But Hitomi I didn't mean to hurt your-"Just then Julian dropped Ti from his grasp right on top of the unsuspecting Sir Jeremy Chasair whom had hung himself by a coat hook. After raping Boobs and attacking Relena. He was not able to kill himself with the coat hander, so he tried to kill himself with Pikachu. He did this by shoving it up his ass. Oh I just want to tell you it was very easy because lots of things have been shoved up there. "AHHHHHHHH!" Just joking Sir Jeremy Chasair didn't shove things up there.
"What the hell is going on here?" Heero shouted running up followed by Relena, Sakura, and Raen. (Li and Alfred were unable to move)
"Sir Jeremy Chasair is trying to kill himself." Purple Shirt Willy said.
"Told you." Relena said.
Sir Jeremy Chasair was lying unconscious on the ground when Trowa, Quatre, Wufei and Duo jumped on top of him naked. "Euww." Everybody said. Jeremy sat up and pulled a sword out of Sakura's bag. "Get off me." Jeremy pushed all 4 off of him. Jeremy stood up and drew Sakura's sword on Trowa. Quatre jumps in front of the sword to have his head chopped off.
"Quatre, No, my dearest Quatre, I loved you." Duo cried as he held Quatre's body against his breasts. The other two were bum fucking in the corner.
"Get a room." Heero yelled over the moans of Trowa and Wufei.
Back to Jeremy who was still trying to kill himself. "What's wrong?" Relena asked Jeremy.
"I'm the worst Jigglo ever. No one wants to sleep with him let alone touch me. I hate my life. I'm still a virgin." Jeremy started a long and boring story about his childhood but I don't want to go into that. "So, that's the whole story. So, can you help me kill myself or lose my virginity?" Jeremy asked Relena, Sakura, and Raen.
All them stood speak-less and frozen. All at once "NO!!!"
"Wait a minute I have an idea..... How about we give Jeremy to Alfred?" Sakura thought about how they might get Jeremy to go with Alfred.
"I'll do it!" Jeremy shouted.
"You'll do what, Jeremy?" Relena asked.
"I'll go with Alfred. I will be his sex slave. Maybe this will get me some loven." Jeremy said with such joy.
"He doesn't want you......" Sakura started but Relena stopped her before she could finish.
Relena whispered to Sakura, "He wants to go. So, let him!"
Sakura and Raen lead Jeremy to Castle Fanel "Will he like me?"Jeremy ask Relena.
"Oh I'm sure he will like you, Jeremy!" Relena laughed quietly to himself and maybe Sakura.
CASTLE FANELIA
Li and Alfred were sitting against the wall and breathing very hard (we aren't sure what they were doing) "That was fun!" Alfred said.
"What was fun AL?" Li asked Alfred.
"That conversation we had." Al explained. "You really liked hearing about my scared goddess." Alfred asked Li.
"I'm thinking about killing myself now." Li proclaimed.
"Why? Oh yeah I forgot that you are a pothead." Alfred patted Li on the ..... (not near enough to the bottom of the page) ....head. You can buy Purple Shirt Willy's shirt will be going to ½¢, we could even go as low as .00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000009¢. Another item is Heero Yuy's shirt (also seen on Master Roshi) it will be sold for 1 million dollars.
IN THE LOUNGE
Sakura and Relena were playing video games. "I'm better at Tekan Tog Tournament!" Sakura bragged.
"So, I'm better at talking then you! Miss no-grammer!" Relena pushed Sakura off her chair. A knock at the door Relena gets up and throws the control at the playstation and answers the Goddamn Gundam door.
It was Boob's. "Can I have some water?" he looked dehydrated for reason not needing explanation.
"We only have aluminum foil cups is that okay?" Relena tapped her Nike Shox impatiently.
"Yeah....(pant, pant..) but please (pant, pant..)stop the incessant boinging." Boobs begged.
"It's not my pirate boots, its your boobs hitting the floor from your panting." Relena turned to get some liquid she called 'water'.
Sakura joined the conversation. Out of nowhere Salem the cat in the tutu appear. "Would you quit that infernal racket. I'm trying to sleep in the next country and your keeping me up."
"My boobs aren't loud." Boobs disagreed.
"Will you all fuck off and let me and Sakura plat T.T.T. in peace.?! Arg!" Relena pulled out all of Boobs hair on his tête. Sakura swept it up and used her dirt-devil sword to vacuum it all up. Bald Boobs was mourning his baldness and hos boobs slamming against the floor causing an earthquake.
"Ahhh! Save the playstation." Sakura garbbed......sorry, the playstation and covered it with her body to shield it from doom. Debris fell (the walls and ceiling) on top of them along with Sir Jeremy Chasair, who flew directly on Salem.
"Eww! Stop breathing your gross tuna-breath on me!" Salem slapped Jeremy.
"But I ate 43 tuna sandwiches just for you cause you're a cat & I thought you'd like fish." Jeremy reasoned.
"I do like fish, I just don't like fishy-smelling Jigglo!" Salem explained. "You should learn to brush your teeth and visit the dentist to learn dental hygiene." Salem pulls out all of Jeremy's teeth and runs behind Relena.
Li and Alfred enter, Li saying, "Okay, who let Boobs in? This is the fifth time this week. I don't want to have to rebuilt the castle again!"
Boobs then got up (amazingly he could) from the floor and hugged Jeremy. "No! I'm for Alfred's pleasure only!" Sir Jeremy Chasair pushed Boobs back down onto the floor. (which result in more rumbling of the castle)
"Ouch... That big rock just hit me on the head." Relena rubbed her forehead. It took a few minutes to kick in but she eventually fell over.
"Well, at least we won't have to listen to listen her go on and on anymore with all that bitching and complaining." Sakura shrugged.
"Hey..." Relena said weakly, "I'm still awake!"
Sakura bit her tongue, "Um, I know that." she lied.
"I think I'll just rest for a bit." Relena mumbled as she laid her head down and made a nice little surface to sleep in the rubble.
"UH, it's so hard, I can't do it." Sakura moaned as Li try to help her.
"I'm trying really hard but it won't come." Li shouted.
"OUCH! That hurt, stop it." Sakura screamed in pain.
"I hope this doesn't hurt." Li pushed.
"OUCH!" Sakura screamed.
Just a friendly reminder when eating Sperm Jam™ donuts and Trowa Condoms™ always eat the spermasite first. Allen says it gives you better hair.
"What da hell are you doing?" Relena asked.
"Trying to get Boobs off Sakura." Li answered.
"Well can you do it a little quieter or with clean vocabulary this time? Remember virgin ears here!" Relena laid back down to go to sleep.
"OUCH!" Sakura screamed. "He's off. yeah I'm free." Sakura continued as a big rock fall on top of her foot.
"We now bring you to to soak on cock day. See attached flyer for details." Boobs explained.
"What the hell?" Heero asked Boobs. Van walks through the door and shut it on Boobs's Boobs. "AHHHHH " as he collaspt.
Relena got up and up and down. (↑↓) "That wasn't hard." Relena said.
Just then Heero grabbed..... the cat by the tail. "Where do you thing your going?" Heero asked.
"What the hell? Let me go!" Salem scratched Heero's hand. Boobs then pulls spot reducing Gadget, Anti-cellulite Products and puts on his work clothing and starts to bounce. Then everyone became sane once again, only for a second not even (a second of fuck).
The trio, I mean Trowa, Duo, And Wufei were having or trying to have they way with Sir Jeremy Chasair. The threesome started to take Jeremy's clothes off but ended up having they way with each other, not Jeremy.
"Kick my hairy ass!" Ti said. Julian appeared again to rape Ti again.
"Would you like a room Mr. Julian?" Alfred asked.
"No, here will be just fine for me." Julian answered.
"But I'm not fine with it." Sakura said as everyone from the audience screamed "GET A ROOM!"
Relena, Sakura, Heero, Salem, Boobs and Van all leave the lounge. Alfred and Jeremy stayed behind to watch.
SOMEWHERE ELSE
"I'm in love with you my dearest." Heero proclaimed his love to Salem.
"I love you too my honey." Salem exclaimed. Ok, Ok, back to our real story....
"I hate you. You ugly cat." Heero shouted in Salem's ear.
"At least I'm fuzzy, cute and cuddly. And oh YEAH I use Scope." Salem stuck out his tongue at Heero.
"Stop this ugly fighting. You sweet cat and ugly dog." Relena screamed.
"Whose the cat and whose the doggy?" Heero asked.
"I'm not the cat. Oh, Oh wait I am a cat." whose the doggy?" Heero asked.
"I'm not the cat. Oh, Oh wait I am a cat." Salem shouted.
"Lay off it with the dog stuff." Heero fawned.
"Oh stop your pouting. It's not my fault you're a dog. You chose Duo over me." Relena turned away.
"Don't act all smug now I didn't choose Duo over you." Heero told her.
"Oh did you not? So are you gonna come back to the home team as Raen calls it? No, I doubt it. Jerk. All the guys I like are losers." Relena started to walk away.
"Relena, come back if you leave no one will be able to protect you from Alfred and his crazy minions (Li and Sir Jeremy Chasair). Who knows what kind of fate will befall you?" Sakura said.
"Ah, don't worry about it. I don't care anymore." Relena waved the notion away and kept walking without looking back.
Sakura withdrew a dull butter-knife and tried to stab with the wrong end. "I want to be unconchid." Sakura whined as she continued poking herself with the handle numerous times.
"That's not going to help your sister." Raen said. Salem licked her lips (or whatever she had) at the thought.
Finally, Van took the butter-knife from his crazed daughter and did the hocky-pocky. And proceeded in turning himself about. Why? We don't know. The world may never find out. Basically everyone decided to stop acting like weirdoes but that wouldn't be fun so they scratched that decision. Then they scratched the balls, dragonballs, dragon dragonballs, dragonballs Zee. Okay that's enough.
Alfred returned into the picture and scooped up Kyle and took Jeremy's hand also grabbing his..... tush. He made kissing sounds in Jeremy's ear and then he was gone with his two losers. Heading off in the distance, in direction Relena had went. Hopping onto Julian's back and flying away.
"Should we go after them? They might sacrifice them to the god." Van said.
"And your point is? It's Kyle and Jeremy." Sakura shrugged.
"What about Relena?" Van asked.
"Ah, who gives a shit about Relena." Heero shrugged.
"Wait! Julian! You forgot me!!!" Ti said as he leapt out from behind the bush he'd been recently drop in.
Hitomi (both past present/future) walked in chatting happily. "What's going on?" the past one asked everyone.
CONTINUED IN NEXT EPISODE!!!!