After the Wedding

Long, long ago in a movie theater far, far away, an usher named Frodo was sweeping a hopelessly filthy floor. After nearly an hour of wrestling with a piece of chewing gum stuck to his shoe, which helped make the floor even filthier as he walked over it, he threw the broom to the side and sat down. The seat he chose, unfortunately, had another wad of gum stuck to it. Cursing, he stood and pulled most of it off his pants. To his surprise, as he proceeded to unglue it from his fingers, a song began to play in the theater.

Michael Rennie was ill the day the Earth stood still

But he told us where we stand

And Flash Gordon was there in silver underwear

Claude Rains was the Invisible Man

Frodo turned towards the movie screen and saw two large red lips singing against a black background. Overcome with a combination of horror and awe, Frodo sat back in the dirty seat. He watched a movie unfold before him.

Then something went wrong for Fay Wray and King Kong

They got caught in a celluloid jam

Blah blah blah

Let's get on with the show

Then the movie began. Church bells rang loudly for no one in particular. The doors opened to let the mob called a wedding party out and down the stairs. They lined up and threw leaves as the bride Galadriel and the groom Celeborn made their way downstairs. The minister Glorfindel grabbed Celeborn with a big handshake while Celeborn slipped him a hundred dollar bill. The sudden movement caused Galadriel to lose her balance and tumble down the rest of the stairs. The wedding mob stood in embarrassed silence at the sound of bones and other vital things popping as she rolled to the ground. Startled, Celeborn grabbed her arm to pull her to her feet. She was a total white mess. Everyone winced as Galadriel snapped her left arm back into its socket.

A young looking man, who was actually a lot older than he looked, grabbed Celeborn from the other side as the mob resumed throwing leaves on top of Galadriel. "I can't believe you actually let her talk you into this," Aragorn said.

"I sort of kind of had no choice," Celeborn said. "She's been guilt tripping me just because we already have a kid together."

"And a grandchild," Aragorn added. "Don't forget about her."

Celeborn tugged on the end of his pointed ears. "I just don't want anymore baby momma drama. Those child support payments were killing me."

Galadriel ran a short distance away when the mob finally ran out of leaves so she could throw the bouquet over her shoulder. It bounced off the head of Arwen, a beautiful she-Elf, who was also a lot older than she looked. She was also Galadriel and Celeborn's granddaughter. She picked up the bouquet before realizing what she'd done. Then she dropped it and backed away screaming.

"Oh, hell," Galadriel said. "It counts!" she called to Arwen. "Just don't let him knock you up first!"

"But Grandma! I don't want to get married!"

"Oh shut-up you crybaby!" Galadriel hiked her dress up and marched away.

Celeborn patted Aragorn on the shoulder. "You poor bastard," was all Celeborn said before marching after Galadriel. They hopped into an SUV with the words "Help Me! I'm Being Kidnapped!" scribbled in the dirt across the back in Celeborn's handwriting.

Arwen turned to reenter the church. Aragorn followed her inside. "The poor bastard," he heard her say.

"What was that?"

Arwen stopped to look at him. "I said the poor bastard."

"Which one?"

"Does it matter?" Arwen sat in the nearest seat. "I supose it was a nice ceremony, though."

"Do you think you'll ever get married?"

Arwen gave him a disapproving look. "By the Valar, no! Men are too much trouble! All they want is my body."

"What body?"

Arwen jumped to her feet. "What are you saying? Am I not good enough?"

Aragorn thought for a minute. "I probably shouldn't answer that."

"There are only two possible ways to answer that question. Do you see the word 'retard' written on my forehead? Be a man for once in your life and answer the damn question!"

Aragorn thought long and hard about that. I need to distract her, he thought. He said the first words that popped into his head. "Let's get married." Arwen screamed again and ran out of the church. "Wait!" Aragorn called after her. "It's not like that! I swear!"

(X)

In a lonely study in a lonely mansion, Gandalf the Grey stood from his chair, which was a lot older than it appeared to be. "I would like," he said to the screen, "to take you on a journey."

In the audience, Frodo pointed to himself. "Who? Me?"

Gandalf put his hands onto his hips. "Who the hell else do you think I'm talking to! Tool of a Fook! I mean Fool of a Took!"

"Um, that's not me. I'm Frodo."

"Huh?" Gandalf asked. "Oh, uh, well in that case, yes, I'm talking to you." Gandalf approached an old bookcase, which did look its age, and grabbed a scroll from the top. He returned to his old chair and unrolled the scroll. He cleared his throat before reading. "It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Aragorn, son of Arathorn, also known as Dúnadan, Strider, Wingfoot, Estel, Elfstone, and Elessar, and his girlfriend Arwen Undómiel left Minas Tirith that night in Aragorn's Honda Accord, which he named Hidalgo. I think they were coming to see me or something. Anyway, it is true that it was a dark and stormy night. It's also true that their spare tire needed its own spare tire. But, being the total idiots that they are, they weren't going to let that ruin their night. Figures."

(X)

Aragorn leaned over the steering wheel in a vain attempt to see anything. The rain left absolutely no visibility. Arwen was stuffing her face with lembas while bopping to the heavy metal version of "Namárie". "Sí man i yulma nin enquantuva, be-otch?" she sang out loud. The sound of a raging Nazgûl on a motorcycle grew louder behind them. As the motorcycle sped past them, the Nazgûl knocked off the side mirror.

"Hidalgo!" Aragorn cried out. "Nooooooo!" He hit the accelerator and ran down the motorcycle. He rammed into the back of it, causing the Nazgûl to fly against the windshield. Aragorn continued plowing ahead long after the screeching Nazgûl landed in the middle of the street.

"I'll get you!" the Nazgûl screamed as Hildago receded down the street, "and your stupid she-Elf too!"

Farther down the road, Aragorn lost control of Hidalgo. After turning and skidding several feet, the car ran straight into a tree. A lightning bolt struck the tree, causing a broken branch to fall on top of Hidalgo. "Hidalgo!" Aragorn cried out again. "Nooooooo!"

"Oh will you shut-up!" Arwen said.

Grimacing, Aragorn turned off the engine. "I guess we have to walk back. There was a huge castle a ways back. Maybe they have a phone or something we can use."

"But, my hair," Arwen moaned. "It'll get wet!"

"Get over it," Aragorn said. "It's probably a weave anyway."