It's a Party!
Aragorn and Arwen ran miserably through the rain back towards the castle. They saw several more Nazgûl on motorcycles approaching them before turning to the side. "Look," Arwen said while pointing. "It's a hidden road. Move your ass Estel." Aragorn followed Arwen up the road towards the castle that waited at the top of the hill. On the front door hung a cardboard sign with words written in crayon: Elrond, the Peredhil. Aragorn rung the doorbell, which made the sound of a long lingering belch.
The door slowly opened. A hunchbacked Silvan Elf poked his head out. "You belched?"
"Uh, yeah," Aragorn said. "Our car had a little accident, and we need to call for help."
"Hey, you're the guy who ran down Bob, aren't you?"
"Bob?"
"The Nazgûl."
"No?"
"Oh, well in that case, come on." The Elf led them down a staircase. Party music from below began to throb through the stone.
"Where the hell are we?" Arwen whispered.
"It's probably some asylum for stewards of Gondor. You know they're not screwed too tightly in the head."
The Elf led them down a hallway where another Silvan Elf was vacuuming. The second Elf stopped to look at the first one. "Haldir," the second one said, "why the hell are you wearing that fake hump?"
Haldir stood up straight. "Bitch," he muttered as he unstrapped the hump.
"What was that?" the second Elf asked threateningly.
"Nothing, Legolas," Haldir said. "Give yourself a hickey or something." Haldir continued leading Aragorn and Arwen down the hallway. Legolas lifted the nozzle of the vacuum and looked at it thoughtfully. Then he glanced up and down the hallway before removing the attachment and pressing the nozzle against his neck.
(X)
"Wait a minute!" Frodo yelled at the screen. "Legolas giving himself a hickey? What kind of sicko wrote this thing?"
Gandalf scowled. "Do you want to finish hearing the story or not?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"Not really, no."
(X)
"Are you throwing a party?" Arwen asked.
"Yeah," Haldir said over the screams of Legolas in the background. "You came on a special night."
"Lucky us," Aragorn said.
The screams in the background reached an unbearable crescendo before coming to a sudden halt, followed by Legolas yelling, "Thank the Valar!" Then he ran down the hallway to join the group. Haldir muffled a snicker as he looked at the huge bruise on Legolas's neck.
"Lucky us," Aragorn repeated expectantly.
"Yeah, whatever," Legolas said on cue. "I'm lucky! You're lucky! We're all lucky! Except Haldir."
Haldir flashed Legolas his middle finger as he began to sing:
It's astounding, time is fleeting
Madness takes its toll but listen closely
Not for very much longer, I've got to keep control
Haldir puts his hands onto his hips and began swinging them to and fro.
I remember the Time Warp
Drinking those moments when the blackness would hit me
And the void would be calling
Legolas fell back against the wall and began moaning in pleasure. Arwen and Aragorn were glad he was behind them so they wouldn't have to see it. Haldir opened a large pair of doors and led them onto a balcony overlooking a large ballroom. Numerous Elves, Men, Dwarves, and Nazgûl were doing a perverted dance in the middle of the room. When they saw Haldir, they all raised their arms towards him and sang in an out of key chorus:
Let's do the Time Warp again!
Arwen fainted into Aragorn's arms. He pushed her away and slapped her. She stood at attention. The people below sang out:
Let's do the Time Warp again!
Aragorn stepped forward just as Arwen fainted again. She hit the floor with a loud thud. Suddenly returned to her senses, she jumped to her feet.
(X)
Gandalf stood and pulled out a chart. It appeared to have complicated dance steps marked out on it. Gandalf put his hands onto his hips. "It's just a jump to the left." Frodo shook his head in disbelief. "I said it's just a jump to the left!"
Frodo jumped out of his seat into the walkway. He began mimicking Gandalf's movements on the movie screen.
(X)
The party guests all hopped to the left singing:
And a step to the right right right right right
(X)
Gandalf pointed to the next step on the chart. "With your hand on your hips."
(X)
The party guests put their hands onto their hips.
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the pelvic thrusts
They really drive you insane
Let's do the Time Warp again
Let's do the Time Warp again
Aragorn and Arwen decided they had seen enough. They both turned and ran through the double doors. Legolas was blocking their way as he began to sing:
It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me
So you can't see me, no not at all
In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention
Well secluded I see all
With a bit of a mind flip, you're into the time slip
Nothing will ever seem the same
Arwen and Aragorn ran back out onto the balcony over the ballroom. The people below continued their singing and dancing. Legolas approached them from behind. They all ran down the walkway from the balcony to the ballroom below. Legolas followed them down, singing the whole time.
You're spaced out on sensation
Like you're under sedation
Let's do the Time Warp again
Let's do the Time Warp again
At that moment, a man wearing a helm with a horse tail hanging from the top began spinning and tapdancing into the ballroom. He wore a glittery top and shorts that were definitely too tight. "Hey," Arwen said in Aragorn's ear, "is that Éomer?"
"Yep, that would be him."
"I won't tell Théoden if you don't."
Éomer stopped in the middle of the ballroom and struck a pose. He opened his mouth to sing his part, but a loud window shattering belch was all that came out. The music stopped and the party guests covered their ears. Éomer covered his mouth and ran into the crowd to hide.
"Oh great," Legolas pouted. "Thanks a lot, Éomer!"
Haldir shook his head. "I told Elrond to be rid of him."
(X)
On the movie screen, Gandalf groaned with disappointment. "Never mind," he said to Frodo. Gandalf sat in his chair and opened up the scroll.
"It's about time," Frodo mumbled as he returned to his gum covered seat.
(X)
The party guests all began to sulk because Éomer had ruined the mood. Arwen and Aragorn began to back away slowly. "I think we better get the hell out of here," Aragorn said.
"I'm with you on that." They turned to leave. Much to their dismay, an elevator they had not noticed before began to ascend. A tall figure in a long white robe rose before him. He wore black shades and had long black hair and pointed ears. He wore a tiara that was uncannily familiar to Arwen.
"What the hell?" Arwen and Aragorn asked at the same time.