Meet the Peredhil

The Elf before them opened the elevator screen and stepped down. He looked at Arwen for a prolonged moment before turning his gaze to Aragorn. "Welcome to Rivendale, Mr. Anderson."

Aragorn looked confused. "Who?"

The Elf took off his shades. "Sorry. Wrong movie."

Arwen gasped. "Daddy?"

At the same time, Aragorn gasped. "Elrond!"

"Daddy," Arwen screached, "how could you! And you're wearing my tiara, of all things!"

Elrond shrugged. "It looks better on me anyway." Arwen fainted for the third time. Aragorn caught her and slapped her again. She turned towards Elrond, who also slapped her.

"Ouch!" Arwen rubbed her stinging cheeks. "Will you stop that!"

"You'll have to forgive Haldir and Legolas," Elrond said. "They're a little screwy. We didn't expect outsiders to come by, especially on such a special night. How lucky."

"How lucky!" Haldir screamed.

"I'm lucky," Legolas added, "you're lucky, we're all lucky."

"We're all lucky!" the guests then added in unison.

"Except Haldir," Legolas added.

"Daddy, you look awful." Arwen held her hands up to defend against a slap that never came.

"Don't judge a book by its cover," Elrond commented as he walked to the other side of the ballroom. The party guests backed away to make room for him. "Why don't you both stay for the night?"

"Night," Haldir snickered.

"Or maybe a bite!" Legolas said.

"Come to my laboratory," Elrond offered. "I can show you my latest experiment. It's a man I've been building to release my tension."

"Tension?" Arwen asked with a shiver. "Does Mom know about this?"

"Come on. You know you want to. I can see you shiver with antici--"

"Wait for it!" Haldir called.

"--pation."

Haldir and Legolas approached Arwen and Legolas. In a single motion, Haldir and Legolas removed the wet clothes, leaving Aragorn and Arwen in their underwear. Upon realiziing they were half naked, they screamed and tried to cover themselves.

"On second thought," Elrond said, "give them something." The two Elves grabbed a pair of robes and threw them over the couple's shoulders. "Let's go," Elrond called. "We're off to the laboratory."

Haldir opened the doors to the elevator. Everyone rushed forward for a chance to get in. When everyone finally made it to the laboratory in several trips, Haldir looked at Legolas. "Let's take the stairs."

Everyone waited quietly in the laboratory below. Elrond put on a surgeon's apron and a pair of gloves as he waited for everyone to show up. Everyone stood in silence before a large tank with a man floating inside. Elrond turned to his servants. "Legolas, Éomer, go help Haldir." Haldir handed Elrond a glass of wine before running off with Legolas and Éomer. Elrond motioned for Aragorn and Arwen to come closer.

"You'll have to forgive us," he said. "We don't normally have people drop by here."

"All I want to do is use a phone to call for help," Aragorn said. "Let us go, and we won't tell anyone about this. We swear."

"I'll be too embarrassed to tell anyone," Arwen said. "You're my father for the Valar's sake."

"Just give us a phone!" Aragorn nearly yelled.

Elrond shivered. "Ooh, you give me goosebumps." Éomer and Legolas giggled in the background.

Haldir approached Elrond from behind. "Let's get this show on the road." Elrond downed his wine in a single gulp and threw the glass at Haldir as he strutted to the podium. Haldir fumbled the glass and dropped it. No one reacted to the glass shattering. Everyone kept their eyes on Elrond.

Elrond tapped the head of the microphone at the front of the laboratory. "Hey. Can you hear me?"

"Yes!" everyone yelled in unison.

"Oh, well tonight, my unconventional conventionists, you are about to witness something really neat."

Everyone in the room gasped. "It was strange the way it happened," Elrond said in a monotone. "See, what had happened was I was walking downtown one day, and passed by this giant dancing rabbit in the middle of the street. Everyone was screaming as this giant rabbit was dancing in the middle of the street, and it was spraying a stinking perfume that made hair grow on everything, then I saw a bus that was a vampire. A vampire bus full of mothmen. And then this giant pixel called a Mooninite gave me the finger, so I stepped on it. Then I saw a leprechaun dressed in orange."

"Daddy!" Arwen yelled.

Elrond snapped back to his senses. "Oh, right. Where was I?"

"You were about to finish the experiment," Haldir called.

"Oh yeah." Elrond ran to the tank. "Turn it on, or something."

Haldir rolled his eyes as he went to a control panel and began pressing a bunch of buttons in a seemingly random fashion. This continued for nearly five whole minutes before the figure inside the tank woke up. The man pounded against the glass until the lid broke. Then the figure pulled himself up to get his first breath of air.

"What the hell took you so long?" the man asked. "I could have drowned in there."

Elrond looked at the man with wide eyes. "Look everyone," he said. "I present to you, Boromir!"

Everyone clapped on cue. Arwen clapped halfheartedly. Aragorn shook his head. "Denethor's going to have a cow."

(X)

"Wait a minute!" Frodo called to the screen. "If Boromir is Denethor's son, how did Elrond create him?"

Gandalf sighed before taking a huge puff of Hobbit weed. "Have a joint or something. You're starting to get on my nerves."

"Good idea." Frodo pulled some Hobbit weed from his pocket and rolled it with a piece of paper. He lit the end and took a long deep puff. "Damn, that's good."

(X)

Boromir tried to pull himself out of the tank, which promptly fell over and spilled its contents over the floor. Everyone backed away in vain to keep their feet dry. Boromir attempted to stand, slipped, and stood again. Everyone turned their eyes towards Elrond, who looked a little less than pleased. Haldir, Legolas, and Éomer exchanged glances of confusion. Elrond shrugged. "Oh, what the hell? It's better than nothing."

Everyone's attention was broken by the sound of banging. They all turned towards a large meat locker in the back of the laboratory. Something inside was trying to break its way out. "Oh hell," Elrond said as the door finally fell to the floor. A Dwarf on a Harley Davidson rode into the laboratory. He had long red hair and large chunky braids in his beard. An unfortunate Nazgúl was crushed to death as the Dwarf rode out.

"Oh, Gimli!" Éomer screamed in delight.

"Stay cool, honey buns," Gimli said.

Arwen covered her eyes. "This is wrong on so many levels."

Haldir leaned close to Legolas. "It's the return of the delivery boy."

"His delivery wasn't good enough," Legolas added.

Éomer leapt onto the motorcycle behind Gimli as the Dwarf began to sing a rock song:

Whatever happened to Saturday night when you dressed up short

And you felt all right

It don't seem the same since cosmic light

Came into my life and I thought I was divine

I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go

And listen to the music on the radio

A saxophone was blowing on a rock and roll show

And we climbed in the back and we really had a good time

Éomer jumped off the motorcycle and began dancing while Gimli began riding his motorcycle through the ballroom. Legolas and Haldir began dancing a little too closely to each other. Everyone else ran screaming in terror as Gimli plowed through them. Elrond scowled as another Nazgúl was crushed under the motorcycle.

Hot patootie bless my soul

I really love that rock and roll

While no one was looking, Elrond walked into what was left of the meat locker. He pushed the hanging hunks of beef aside until he found a nice large axe propped up in the corner. With a smirk, he grabbed the axe and stepped into the laboratory. Gimli parked the motorcycle as he continued singing the rock and roll chorus. Elrond casually ran up behind him and bashed his head in with the axe. Éomer screamed as Gimli's brains and blood flew in every direction. The room was filled with shocked silence as Elrond finished venting his rage on Gimli's head. Then he looked at the axe, shrugged, and tossed it over his shoulder.