Attack of the Voyeurs

Legolas stared at Gimli's body in disgust as he and Haldir dragged it back into the meat locker. "I guess we'll be eating burgers for days."

"It's a good thing I'll be cooking then. We're not Orcs."

Elrond stood just outside the meat locker. He was wearing the black shades again. "Gimli was a virus. He was only a Dwarf. It is the sound of inevitability, Mr. Greenleaf."

Haldir glanced at Legolas. "He's in the wrong movie again."

Elrond waited for them to finish with Gimli's body before he turned back to Boromir. "What am I going to do with you?"

Haldir walked to the far wall and pressed a big red button. The wall creaked as it separated to reveal an elaborate bedroom. Elrond shrugged. "Why the hell not? I have nothing better to do." He grabbed a cattle prod from inside the bedroom and pressed it against Boromir's back. "Get in there! Now!"

Boromir shrieked as Elrond chased him into the bedroom. Haldir pressed the button again to seal the room off from the rest of the laboratory. Then he turned away with his hand over his mouth as he fought desperately not to throw up. Arwen and Aragorn exchanged glances and spoke at the same time. "Ewwwwwwwwww!"

(X)

In the theater, Frodo's mind was swimming from the Hobbit weed. People in the hallway were getting a contact high from the smell. "Wow."

"Frodo!" Gandalf called from the movie screen. "Are you listening to me?"

Frodo shook his head no. "Yes?"

"Frodo! Do not take me for a magician of simple parlor tricks!"

Frodo giggled. "You said trick. Pimping ain't easy!"

Gandalf sighed as he pulled out his own supply of Hobbit weed. "Anyway, there are some people who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is simply a figment of our imaginations. If this is true, than Aragorn and Arwen are safe. However, let's face it. They are so fucked. And no, Frodo. Pimping isn't easy."

(X)

"Is this really necessary?" Arwen asked as she and Aragorn were escorted to separate rooms. "I don't feel comfortable being out here alone. Does my daddy know about this?" She received no response as her host led her to a bedroom. He opened the door and simply motioned to her. She stepped inside and jumped when the door slammed behind her. She sat on her bed and pouted. "This sucks."

In another part of the castle, Haldir and Legolas turned on a monitor. Legolas flipped through the different channels until he found the one from Arwen's room. They watched her turn off her lamp and lie down. Haldir and Legolas snickered at each other.

In Arwen's room, there was a knock at the door. "Go away!" she yelled. There was another knock. "Leave me alone! Go away or I'll knock your damn head off!"

"Arwen!" she heard Aragorn call. "Let me in!"

"Go away if you know what's good for you!" The door opened and Aragorn crept to her side. When he pinched her on the leg, she sat up and punched him right between the eyes.

"Dammit, Arwen!" the intruder yelled. Arwen squealed when she realized it was Elrond. "Was that necessary?"

"Daddy? What the hell are you doing in here?"

"Oh, uh," Elrond tripped over his own words as he tried to think of an excuse. Before he opened his mouth to give her the really great excuse he'd thought up, she punched him between the eyes again.

"Get the hell out!" She threw her pillows at him. When he didn't move, she reached for the lamp and bashed it across his head.

"All right!" Elrond conceded. "I'm leaving!"

At the monitor, Legolas and Haldir giggled uncontrollably as Haldir opened a bag of Jiffy Pop. "This is too good to be true. I'd kill for a Tivo."

Legolas stuck his hand into the popcorn. "Hey, is this regular or extra butter?"

"Extra."

Haldir switched the monitor to Aragorn's room. A shadowy figure approached Aragorn on the bed. "Estel?" it said in Arwen's voice. "We need to get out of here."

Aragorn took the figure's hand. "We will, but can I at least get some sleep?"

"Okay, but can we have some fun first?"

"Whatever." Aragorn turned on the lamp. When he realized he'd been talking to Elrond instead of Arwen, he shrieked like a school girl and backed away.

"Oh, damn!" Elrond cursed. "Don't throw anything." In response, Aragorn punched Elrond right between the eyes. "All right!" Elrond exclaimed. "Once is enough!"

At the monitor, Legolas and Haldir were in an uncontrollable fit of laughter. The sound awoke Boromir in the bedroom. "Should we let him go?" Legolas asked before stuffing his mouth with more popcorn.

"Naw. He'll just screw everything up like he always does."

"Well, can I release the dogs anyway?"

"Knock yourself out."

"Yeah!" Legolas clapped his hands as he ran off to set the rottweillers loose.

(X)

In the theater, Frodo and Gandalf were both redfaced and giggling like total idiots.

(X)

Arwen decided to get some air. She opened the door, looked to make sure no one was watching, then crept down the hallway. She easily found her way into the laboratory. All she had to do was follow the screams. When she got there, she realized the screams were from Boromir as he was being mauled by three large rottweillers.

"Daro!" she ordered the dogs. "Get off of him this instant!" The dogs stopped when they heard her speak in Sindarin. She barked once at them; they ran away whining. Arwen approached Boromir and found him chained to the bed. Her face showed pity until she saw the candlelabra next to the bed. Then she smiled as she got an idea.

"Whee!" She snatched one of the candles and held it over Boromir. The laboratory was filled with more screaming as she poured hot wax over him.

At the same time, Legolas had joined Éomer in his room. Éomer was staring excitedly at the monitor. "What are you watching?" Legolas asked.

"Arwen is torturing Boromir! You have to see this!"

"No thanks. I've seen enough."

"Killjoy. Where is Haldir?"

"I don't know."

Haldir, as Legolas well knew, was in the laboratory watching Arwen pour hot wax onto Boromir. "Who's the real king of Gondor?" Arwen asked.

"Gondor has no king!" Boromir answered.

Arwen shook her head. "Wrong answer." He screeched as she spilled more wax.

Haldir chuckled as he discreetly watched the spectacle. He stopped suddenly when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He nervously looked around to see Elrond and Aragorn standing there. "Where is my daughter?" Elrond asked.

"Right in front of you." Haldir pointed to the exposed bedroom. As they passed him, Haldir caught a glimpse of someone in the monitor. It was an old man in a wheelchair. Haldir nearly choked when he realized whom it was. "Éomer is in trouble now. Elrond! We have a visitor!"

"Who?"

"Théoden!"

"Oh crud. Let him in."

"If you say so." Haldir walked to a giant switch marked Key for Old People. When he flipped it, Théoden's wheelchair took a life of its own. It zipped through the castle at a comical superspeed until it reached the laboratory. Haldir released the switch.

"It's nice to see you again," Elrond said.

"Actually," Théoden said, "this is the first time we've met."

"Oh. What do you want?"

"I'm looking for Gimli."

"Gimli?" Elrond gave him a questioning look. "Don't you mean Éomer?"

"I could, but that would ruin the story."

"Ai."

The conversation was interrupted by a loud gong. Legolas stepped into the laboratory with a large spoon in his hand. "Come and get it."

"Come and get what?"

Legolas narrowed his eyes. "The food. Dinner's ready."

(X)

In the theater, Gandalf raised his finger. "What's wrong?" Frodo said after three tries to get the words out.

"I haf somfing to shay," Gandalf slobbed, "but I can't rememfer whash it wash." He stood and promptly fell over. Frodo fell into a breathless guffaw.

(X)

Elrond, Arwen, Aragorn, Théoden, and Boromir went to the dining room. Éomer was already there waiting for them. Haldir and Legolas entered soon afterwards carrying a large roast and a bottle of wine. Haldir dropped the roast onto the table in front of Elrond. Legolas gave Haldir a disapproving look as he filled the wine glasses. Then they both backed away from the table.

Elrond sighed. "Let's get this over with. I'm hungrier than Starvin' Marvin the Ethiopian." He whipped out a large sword and began cutting the roast with it.

"Hey," Aragorn said. "That's Narsil! That's mine!"

"Oh shut-up be-otch." Elrond finished cutting the meat and served it out to everyone. Then he tossed the sword over his shoulder. It landed dangerously close to Haldir's foot.

Théoden cleared his throat. "I'm here to talk about Gimli."

"Gimli?" Éomer said. "What about me? I'm your sister-son."

Elrond put on his shades and leaned to the side. "Gimli was a virus."

"What?" everyone said at once.

"I mean, it's a tender subject. Anyone want another slice?"

Everyone looked down at their plates. Images of Elrond slaughtering the little Dwarf raced through their minds. "You psycho!" Éomer stood and ran out of the dining room crying.

Aragorn pushed his chair from the table. "All of a sudden, I'm not hungry. I could go for a squirrel though."

Théoden shook his head. "The last time I heard from Gimli, he'd sent me a note several years ago."

"A note," Elrond said. "What did it say?"

Théoden searched through his pockets until he found the note. He opened it to read in front of everyone. "No one tosses a Dwarf."

Elrond stood. "That won't be a problem." He grabbed the tablecloth and pulled it back. Everyone realized they had been using a coffin with a glass top for a table. Gimli was lying inside. Legolas and Haldir broke into laughter. Arwen stood and ran screaming from the room as Éomer had done earlier. She was followed by Aragorn and Théoden. Elrond motioned to Haldir to take care of them.

Legolas placed his hands onto Haldir's shoulders. Then they skipped back down to the laboratory while singing Pop Goes the Weasel. Haldir flipped the Key for Old People again. Théoden's wheelchair sped down the hallways again. He rammed into Aragorn and Arwen on the way. All three of them were pulled down into the laboratory. An invisible force left them all stuck to each other in the wheelchair.

"This sucks," Arwen said.

Elrond joined them all downstairs in the laboratory. "I know!" he said. "Let's play a game!"

Éomer stomped into the laboratory. "Stop!" Everyone turned to look at him. "It's not fair!"

"Excuse me?" Elrond demanded.

"Well, why can't I get any attention. I'm Théoden's sister-son, for crying out loud. Why didn't he come for me?"

Elrond pointed at Éomer. "For being such a crybaby, I banish you from this castle for all eternity on the pain of death."

"What?" Éomer stomped his foot. "Damn. Not again." He slouched over as he walked out of the laboratory. "I never get a break."

"I'm the one who never gets a break," Elrond moaned. "Even smiling hurts my face. He's such a virus."

Legolas and Haldir rolled their eyes. Elrond pulled another switch. The wheelchair and all its screaming occupants fell through a trapdoor. Nonchalant, Elrond stretched out over an operating table. Legolas and Haldir began to massage him. "When can we get back to Ennor?" Legolas asked. "I'm sick of this place. I miss Mirkwood."

"And I miss Lothlórien," Haldir added. "Especially since Galadriel finally convinced Celeborn to marry her."

"It's nice to have someone be grateful. Behave, and you will go home." Legolas held his hands over Elrond's neck and moved them as if to choke Elrond. Haldir shook his head. Elrond unexpectedly sat up. "I have an idea. I'm feeling pretty."

Legolas and Haldir watched Elrond leave. When they were sure it was safe, they crept out through a hole in the wall.

(X)

In the theater, Frodo was stuffing his face with items he stole from the concession stand. "Man, I got the munchies like hell." On the screen, Gandalf was stretched across his desk. He was snoring.

(X)

Arwen, Aragorn, Boromir, and Théoden were strapped down to chairs. From what they could tell, they were on a stage in a show room of some sort. "I knew it," Arwen said. "None of this would have ever happened if you'd taken that left instead of the right."

"Give it a rest!" Aragorn said. "If you hated it so much, then next time you can drive!"

"Ahem!" Elrond called across the showroom. "Doesn't anybody want to look at me?"

Everyone took one look at him before cringing in terror. "My eyes!" Arwen screamed. "It burns! It burns!"

Elrond, dressed in lingerie, strutted towards them. "Stop exaggerating. Let's play a game. How about Twister?"

"Please don't," Aragorn begged.

"Don't insult me," Elrond said. "I'm a superstar!" Upon saying the last word, he dropped to one knee and held his arms up.

Aragorn leaned towards Arwen as far as he could. "At least he's not a drag queen on a bus named Priscilla."

There was a faint sound of clanging metal. Elrond stood and turned towards to door. Legolas and Haldir were standing there. Haldir was dressed in elaborate Elvish armor with a dark cloak hanging from his shoulders. Legolas was dressed in a French maid uniform, complete with fishnets and high heels. Both had Elvish bows with the arrows pointed at the stage.

"Mental note," Legolas said. "Feathers tickle."