A Bottle of Rum

Haldir and Legolas pointed their arrows for Elrond's head. "Make your plea," Haldir demanded.

"No! Wait!" Arwen called from the stage. "Don't kill my father!" She bounced up and down in her chair as she tried to drag herself to the edge of the stage.

"Are you sure you want to admit that?" Haldir asked. Before Arwen could respond, there was a deep noise from outside. Haldir lowered his bow. "That's an Orc horn!"

The suddenness of Haldir's declaration, combined with his nose being tickled by the feather on his arrow, caused Legolas to sneeze and release the arrow accidentally. It flew pass Arwen's head. She looked at Elrond and shrugged, which wasn't easy given she was bound to the chair. "You're on your own."

The Orc horn blew again from outside. Haldir stomped his foot. "Of all days!" He forgot Elrond for the moment and ran out of the room. Legolas looked between Haldir and Elrond as if trying to make a decision. He finally opted to run after Haldir.

When both Silvan Elves were gone, Aragorn leaned forward. "Elrond, do you think you could let us go? Just this once?"

"But what about our game of Twister?"

"Oh, for Valar's sake, Father!" Arwen screamed. "There are Orcs out there! I don't want to die with the last image I ever see being my father in women's underwear!"

"Do I have to?"

"Yes!" everyone demanded at the same time. Pouting, Elrond untied each person one at a time. They all ran off without so much as a thank you.

(X)

Frodo leaned over the toilet as everything he'd just eaten rushed back up his throat. He wiped his mouth at the sink and washed his hands before dragging himself back to the theater. Gandalf was still asleep onscreen.

"Gandalf," Frodo said. When the wizard didn't move, Frodo yelled at the screen. "Gaaaaaandaaaaaaalf!" When he ran out of breath, he fell over and fell asleep again.

"Wha wha!" Gandalf said as he sat up. When he saw that Frodo had fallen asleep again, he dropped his head back onto his desk.

(X)

Haldir emerged from a door leading to the roof of the castle. He leaned over the edge. Rather than an army of Orcs as Haldir had expected, there was a single Man standing on the ground. In one hand he held the horn, and in the other was a glass bottle.

"Ahoy there!" the Man said.

"Who the hell are you!" Haldir called back.

"If I tell you, will you let me in!"

Legolas appeared at Haldir's side. "Where's the army?"

The Man took one look at Legolas. "Do I know you?"

"I hope not," Legolas said to himself. "Who the hell are you!"

"That's what the other blond said!"

"Then answer the damn question!"

The Man took a swig from the bottle. "Well, will you answer my question if I answer yours!"

"Fine!" Haldir called. "What is it!"

"What is the flight speed velocity of an unladen swallow!"

"Huh?" Haldir and Legolas exchanged glances. Haldir leaned over the side. "What the hell do you want to know that for! You interrupted us just to ask that stupid ass question!"

The Man held up the bottle. "Would you like some rum instead!"

Haldir perked up. "Yeah! I'll take that!"

"Savvy!'

Hearing the word "savvy" caused something to snap in Legolas's head. He held up his bow and aimed an arrow. "For Troooooooy!" The arrow sailed through the air and hit the stranger between the eyes.

"Troy?" Haldir asked.

Legolas looked his way. "Huh?"

"Who is Troy?"

"How the hell should I know?" Legolas turned and ran back into the castle. Haldir scratched his head and followed.

Down in the ballroom, Arwen and Aragorn were on their way trying to find an exit. Boromir and Théoden were lagging behind. Arwen and Aragorn had no intention of waiting for them. Before they could make it up the walkway to the balcony, an arrow hit the floor ahead of them. They turned to see Legolas and Haldir running up behind them.

"Don't be in such a hurry to leave," Legolas said. "Don't you want to at least say goodbye?"

Aragorn stood in front of Arwen. "No thanks. We're just not feeling lucky tonight."

"I'm not lucky," Legolas said. "You're not lucky. We're all not lucky. Especially Haldir."

"What about the Orcs?" Arwen asked.

"There are no Orcs," Haldir said. "It was just some idiot with a bottle of rum. I could sure go for a shot of rum, too."

"Well, in that case," Aragorn said, "we'll be on our way."

"That won't be necessary," Elrond said from the balcony. "Look what I found outside!" He held up a large bottle.

"The rum!" Haldir squealed. "He's saved the rum!"

Elrond descended from the balcony. "How about we forget everything that's happened long enough to empty this bottle?"

The four huddled around each other to discuss the matter. Then they stood at the same time and answered, "Yes!"

They all gathered around for a swig. Aragorn and Arwen carefully backed away as the others took turns downing the rum. When they were on the walkway to the balcony, they broke into a run. They didn't stop until they were outside and well down the road. Elrond, Legolas, and Haldir didn't notice as they took turns emptying the bottle of rum.

(X)

Frodo awoke with a start as someone tapped him on the shoulder. "I didn't do it!" He looked up and saw another usher standing over him. "What I do?"

"I think you'd better go home," the usher said. "There's a good chance you'll get fired for this."

"What did I do?"

"You stole from the concession stand, and you were obviously smoking on the job. What were you thinking?"

"I was talking to Gandalf." Frodo pointed to the screen. All that was there were blank light and burnt celluloid. "Where did he go?"

"All right, Frodo." The usher seized Frodo by the arm and pulled him up. "You'd better go home if you intend to keep this job." He dragged Frodo outside and practically dumped him onto the sidewalk.

Frodo covered his face as the sunlight burned his eyes. When they'd finally adjusted, he looked up and strutted down the street. A song ran through his head as he whistled his way back to Hobbiton.

Let's do the Time Warp again!