Thanks for the reviews. All good so far.

Flashback: Hiding pain. (Still in Lizzie's pov)

As time went on people started to forget about the diary. They started to forget about all the rumors spread because of it. Miranda, Kate and Claire gave up on torturing me and found new targets. Over the months people began to pay less and less attention to me. Even my teachers but that's probably because I hardly ever raise my hand in class.

I still hurt so much though. I mean my brother and father are gone and instead of my mother talking to me about it and trying to spend time with me she does the exact opposite. She almost never talks to me and spends absolutely no time with me. She goes to work and then spends the night with one of her new boyfriends at his house or something. She goes through more boyfriends than most teenagers that I know.

I'm not ok though. I hate thinking about it but I know that I'm not. I feel better now that I've started cutting but it does make me feel dirty though. I have a dirty little secret. But even though I try hard to convince myself that I can't die from cutting the way I can from drugs or an eating disorder I still know that it's wrong. I know that it's not considered normal to cut but it's easy to hide so I think why should I care. It's not like I'm going to tell anybody about it. If I told somebody about it and they asked me why I did it and I told them the truth that I do it because it feels good they would probably think that I'm crazy or something. Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy.

I know that I definitely stand out fashion wise in my school. I mean I live in California where its always hot even in the winter. While other girls go to school wearing shorts, short skirts, short sleeved shirts, tank tops and sandals to school I wear baggy long sleeved shirts, long Jeans and sneakers to school even in 100 degrees weather. I mean even the boys at my school wear less clothes than I do.

I walk around and that feeling that feeling that I mentioned about being eaten is still there and its so strong. It goes away for awhile right after I cut but it always comes back. I try not to think about it but I can't. The pain it causes is too much. I can't make it go away. It comes back after the cutting but this time its worse. Much worse. I feel like I can't take much more of it.

I try to hide my pain by first letting it out with every cut then by wearing long, baggy clothes to cover up the cuts. I have months worth of cuts all over my arms and legs. Some of the cuts will fade but others are more permanent. They are deep horrible scars that will never go away. Those scars are just like my pain they are something that I can't get rid of. That will haunt me till my death.

I felt so good right after I first started cutting myself maybe dirty but good because it was my own little release. But now I'm not so sure. I'm afraid that if I keep cutting that one day I'm going to lose control of it and of my emotions. I'm afraid that I'm going to cut open a wrist instead of a arm or leg. I'm afraid that it might be too late by then I already feel like my problem is getting out of hand. I'm cutting more than ever and the cuts keep getting deeper. Every cut takes away a smaller amount of pain than the one before it did. I'm still trying to convince myself that the cuts are helping when I think that I know deep down inside that their not.

I wish that I would wake up one day and this would all be a horrible nightmare. That my whole family will be alive and happy and that I will have the same friends and everything. But most of all that this painful horrible feeling that's been eating at me will just go away forever.

Of course that doesn't happen. Every day I wake up to an empty house so I can get ready to go to school so that I can eat lunch on my own and walk around with nobody to talk to or hang around with. Then I can come home to an empty house. I can escape for a little while by watching TV and munching on snacks. Then I could do my homework and then get ready for bed. But of course along the course of the day I will give myself just a few more cuts to add to my large collection. And that fulfills my day.

I really am getting tired of it. I'm tired of being ignored; I'm tired of feeling what I'm feeling. I'm tired of trying to make my problems go away with cuts no matter how good the cuts make me feel the good feeling goes away shortly afterwards. I'm tired of having to wear long baggy clothes to cover those cuts. I'm tired of hiding my emotions. Of hiding my pain.