Pain
I groaned as I got out of bed. My stomach still hurt where I had fallen. It hurt badly. To make maters worse I had been avoiding Gordo all week. I had to move fast in order to get away from him and the faster I moved the more it hurt. Know not only was there emotional pain but there was physical pain as well.
Not only did my stomach hurt but my arms and legs hurt too. I was cutting deep drawing large amounts of blood with every cut. I was starting to run out of places on my arms and legs to cut so I've started cutting my feet more often. Now thanks to the cuts I can't run and just walking causes so much pain.
Gordo still hasn't given up. I'm pretty sure that he knows about the cuts although he hasn't said anything about them. Thankfully the summer is coming up and since Gordo's parents are divorced and his dad lives two states away according to the custody arrangements Gordo spends every other holiday and summer with his father.
Gordo stopped me again in school today. I can't run or walk fast like before because of my cuts so I was stuck talking to him. He was angry and threatened to tell his mom about the bridge and my wrists. I caved not wanting him to tell her so I promised to meet him at the Digital Bean tomorrow. I am dreading meeting him there.
"Hi Lizzie," Gordo said as we sat down at our table. He calmly looked at me. "Are you ok because you're still avoiding me?"
I stared at the ground not sure what to say.
"Lizzie I didn't want to go ahead and do anything without you knowing about it first but I do have to talk to somebody about this." "I'm not going to discuss it here because a lot of kids from school hang out here and I'm sure that you don't want them to know." "I...
"No Gordo," I shouted cutting him off as I jumped to my feet drawing attention to us. "You promised that if I met you here and I talked to you that you would keep this between us." "You lied to me and I hate you for it."
With that I grabbed my purse and hurried out trying hard to ignore the stares and low whispers that I heard from others who had gotten wind of our conversation.
I hurried home. By the time I got there me feet were killing me. I pulled off my sneakers and sure enough several of my cuts were bleeding again. Badly. I wet a cloth and put it to my feet to stop the bleeding. My stomach still hurt from where I fell. I sat at the kitchen table trying to hold in the pain. The urge I had to cut myself was back. I knew that it wouldn't help so I held it in as best I could.
I got up and decided to take a walk. My feet still hurt but I didn't care. I walked toward the bridge I had fallen from just a few days ago. I walked down and sat on the rock I had fallen on. I couldn't believe that I had actually fallen and lived but somehow I did. I guess I'm supposed to be happy but I'm not.
I stayed at the bridge till night. It started to rain so not wanting to stay in the rain I started to get up. Suddenly I felt like someone was watching me. I turned around and saw Gordo standing a few feet behind me. I stared at him. He looked like he didn't know whether to cry or yell at me. Instead he started talking to me very calmly I might add.
"Lizzie," he said. "Please just talk to me let me help."
"You probably think that I'm crazy don't you?" "Well I wouldn't blame you I think I'm crazy too," I said to him still trying to hold in my pain.
Obviously Gordo could sense it.
"Lizzie please don't try to hold this in you can't." "I don't think your crazy and you shouldn't either but crazy or not you do need help."
I looked at him tears beginning to pour over.
"That's good," Gordo said. "Let the pain out."
He reached over and pulled me into his arms. We sat down on the rock holding each other tightly. Tears spilled over tears that I had held in for so very long. I cried in Gordo's arms cried hard harder than I had ever cried before.
I realized now that I could receive the help that I need if I let people help. I was scared though scared of getting help. But I was more scared of myself. Of hurting myself anymore than I already have.
"I don't hate you," I said through tears.
"I know," Gordo said softly.
Suddenly I pulled myself away from Gordo. I stared at him for the longest time. Then suddenly I started moving towards him. I leaned in and kissed him.
After about a minute or so I finally pulled away from him. I stared at him for a long time again.
"What just happened?" He asked me looking sort of confused.
"I kissed you," I said. "Why did it bother you?" I asked feeling nervous.
"No," Gordo said quickly. "I didn't it just took me by surprise."
"Well I don't even know why I did that but it kind of felt good." "Did you feel anything because I did."
He didn't answerer. Instead Gordo leaned in towards me and kissed me back. When he drew back I stared at him feeling light headed.
"Was that a yes or a no?"
"Of course it was a yes." "Lizzie I have always cared for you." "I guess that I was just to afraid to show it."
Gordo put his arms around me. I leaned in towards him resting my head on his shoulder tears beginning to fall again. We stayed that way for a long time.