Chapter Two: Owner of a Lonely Heart
Manny sauntered into school, trying to enjoy all the looks she was still getting. She had transformed herself to make herself more noticeable, more appealing. Unfortunately, it seemed that her extremity made it so most were too nervous to approach her, and she had heard some comments under breath of disgusted girls and boys calling her a whore. She wore a black mini-skirt with dark fuchsia and crimson roses, crimson stilettos, and a very low-plunging spaghetti-strap crimson shirt with black edges. The shirt was sort of a modern day Victorian and ended maybe an inch below her chest. She had on fishnet thigh-highs, but her skirt was so short you could see the tops when she moved.
Manny felt mild amusement at all the attention she was getting, good and bad. If this was all it took to cause a stir in the Degrassi students, why didn't she just come out of the womb like this? She liked to be watched. Since her entire life was a performance lately, she thought, why not get a bigger audience?
Of course, she still felt a little sad about it. The only person that talked to her often was Sully, and Sully didn't give a damn about Manny. She knew that; she wasn't an idiot. He was her inspiration to change, but he'd never really be there for her. She lost everyone trying to give off the image of normalcy, everyone that meant something to her. Everyone she meant something to weren't really there anymore. She pushed them away, trying to up the stakes of her faked life.
She heard Manuela as often as Manny lately, and she didn't like it. She didn't feel like a Manuela. She was Manny, always had been. Manuela was a name for someone more adult. Manny was a kid's name, and no matter what she did on the outside, inside all Manny wanted was to retain her childhood innocence. But Sully was the type of guy who demanded control. He was shallow and manipulative and hadn't a lot going for him. Not in any department. But damn if it wasn't perfect. To be the girl hanging off of Sully got you more inside the door than being the most talented cheerleader, which Manny believed she was.
So her fake world became even more. She was lost inside herself; she couldn't find the real Manny anywhere, if such a person existed. With her fake personality and her fake style and her fake boyfriend and her fake friends and her fake emotions, everything was turning out all right in Manny's world. In a world where image was everything, anyway. Manny hated it more and more each day. The people had some semblance of humanity, sure, but they could so randomly turn cruel that she just wanted to duct tape their mouths closed.
For all the people that knew her, there wasn't really anyone she could talk to. She was alone in this world, and she knew it. She knew everything would eventually disappear. Everything she held dear was running away from her. Paige Michalchuck was a poor replacement for Emma Nelson, even though Emma would become so domineering and caught up in her own little crises. Manny didn't really mind, she was just so lost inside she said things and did things that didn't fit with who she thought she was at one point.
Sometimes, Manny would watch Emma. Nothing overt, but she felt so isolated from her once best friend, she thought it fair that she could have some kind of clue about what Emma was doing. It was usually some environmental project or another, her usual drama with Sean Cameron. Nothing seemed to have changed in Emma. It didn't seem fair, since everything seemed to change in Manny. Manny knew she was hurting, she just couldn't feel it like she could before. She had started building walls around herself when people kept taking advantage of her, and now she didn't know how to tear them down.
When Manny sat down for lunch, she spied on Emma, as usual. She watched her talking vigorously with JT and Toby. She saw Craig and Ashley, hand-in-hand, approach Emma. Probably to say hi. Craig and Emma had become friendlier and friendlier with each other. Manny didn't see it as anything potentially romantic; not every girl and boy who talk have to want each other.
Emma and Ashley got deep into conversation, and Manny saw Craig begin to fidget. It was as if he could feel her eyes boring into him. But they were neutral eyes, like a wolf that didn't care which way something turned out. If you attacked, you'd die. If you didn't, he'd let you go. That's how Manny felt. Like nothing mattered.
Craig looked around the cafeteria, trying to give off an aura of casual interest. But he was looking for someone, a girl. A girl he had hurt and kept hurting.
He felt bad, and his imagination made him see Manny in several aspects, all heartbreaking. She was a nice girl, if it wasn't for Ashley they'd probably be together. But as much as he liked Manny, he liked Ashley a whole lot more.
Still, he regretted what he had done to her. Not only what happened between them the night he and Ashley fought, but everything. It seemed to him that everything he'd ever done to Manny had been cruel. He didn't mean to, but that didn't make it better.
Finally, he saw her. She was looking right back at him, unfaltering. Looking like she was sex personified, Craig smiled nervously and gave her a little wave. She nodded back at him, and something about her eyes made him wonder. Was it anger? Was it heartache? Craig just didn't know. He couldn't read Manny. Reading someone's emotions in their eyes was beyond him, more or less. But his mind settled on heart-wrenching anger. He didn't think he could feel worse, but there it was.
He loved Ashley, but her presence wasn't making him any happier. He just felt too damn bad.
I never meant to hurt you, he thought. He sighed. But good intentions don't really make a difference, do they?