Chapter Five: They Don't Know
All eyes were on her, as usual. They had been looking at her for quite some time now. But today it made Manny uneasy, as if they saw something there that they never dreamed off. She wished she hadn't started this image of herself as some scantily clad bimbo. She wished she were invisible again.
But unfortunately, even had she dressed in her old clothes, no one would ever look at her the same. To them, she had surpassed that role as the innocent Manny Santos. She was now Manuela Maria Santos, the unattainable dream goddess. The girl they all knew they could never take home to meet mommy and daddy, but all wanted for their very own nonetheless. But not for keeping, just for one glorious night under the sheets.
Manny allowed herself a small smile as she thought of her dream goddess. But then she paled, realizing what it very well meant.
She felt positively ill. She knew something was wrong, but why this? Why her? She thought over and over, why me?
She didn't think it was particularly wrong to be gay. When she discovered Marco was, it didn't make her think any less of them. But not thinking it was wrong and being it were two different things to Manny. She didn't want to be on this side of the spectrum; she didn't want this.
Everywhere she went, she thought people could see the difference in her. She thought maybe they had known all along, and realized that finally she was aware. She thought she was the last to know, but she prayed no one else could feel the turmoil raging through her.
It was just a dream. Just a dream. Dreams don't mean a thing. So what if I dreamed about another woman? It means nothing. Everyone has those dreams. I am Manny. I like men!
"Manuela," a familiar voice said.
Manny glanced behind her, and her heart sank as she saw Sully standing at his locker. "H-hey," she managed to get out.
Sully lowered his sunglasses and peered at her. "Is there something wrong?"
Manny could see through his façade. His serene apathy was like a mist around him. Nothing got inside. He didn't care for her. He didn't care for anyone but himself.
The rage Manny felt the night before began to boil through her again, right down to her toes. She couldn't hide it behind cool eyes; she didn't have a thing to block them. She closed her eyes and tried not to move, but felt herself shaking ever so lightly.
"Manuela?"
His fake concern, his aura of contentment, his beady little eyes staring her down. He didn't know what she felt, and what's more, he didn't care what she felt. She wasn't even a semblance of meaning for him. No one knew. No one cared to know. No one cared about her, and it was his fault. It was all his fault, it had to be. His calm eyes, collected composure. Everything about him caused Manny to grow angrier.
"Manuela?"
Her eyes snapped open, a fire within her growing stronger and stronger. Her face began to darken with her absolute fury. "What do you want?" she said, rather tight-lipped. She was still trying to gain control.
"Manuela, you're being rather—"
"—My name is Manny. Or did you even bother to learn it?"
Sully raised an eyebrow. "What's with you?"
"What's with me? Oh, you're just so eloquent, aren't you? Dammit, Sully—"
"Is this a PMS thing? Should I go away for a couple of days?"
Manny laughed, a high-pitched bitchy sound. "Oh, you're just so clever, aren't you? God! You know what? You can just fuck right off."
Manny heard a gasp from behind her, but she paid it no heed. She just wanted to smack him, kick him, tear him apart. Make him feel outside what she felt within. She hated him. It was unexplainable, indefinable, unyielding hatred. It was as though she became a different girl overnight, but that wasn't it. It was gradual, but no one cared enough to notice. No one but…
"Manny!" a girl said from behind her. "What's gotten into you?"
Manny rolled her eyes. "It's none of your business, Em. Leave."
Emma grabbed Manny's left arm and tried to drag her off. Manny shook Emma off her arm violently. "I said leave!"
Emma stared at her, her mouth agape.
Sully was glaring. "You little bitch. You think you can just talk to me like that?"
"Go to hell," Manny growled. She pivoted and was about to walk away, when Sully grabbed her right arm, very reminiscent of what Emma had just done. Emma, meanwhile, was backing off. A crowd had formed, and Emma was trying desperately to disappear into it.
"Don't you walk away from me!"
Manny didn't shake him off as she did with Emma. Emma, she didn't want to hurt. Sully, well, Sully was in a league of his own.
Manny whirled around, using his own grip to smash him right into his locker. "Don't you ever touch me!" she shrieked. All her pent up rage came pouring out again, and Manny smashed her hurt fist right into his face. It tore open the scabbed over wounds, pressed the bits of mirror she didn't know never left right back into her knuckles, but she didn't care. Nothing mattered but hurting him. Nothing.
Manny grabbed his head by his hair and smashed it back into his locker. Before she could go any further, yet another hand gripped her arm. Someone pulled her back. She struggled ferociously, letting out her fury in little shrieks. Kicking whoever dared grab her, Manny couldn't hear his voice. He yelped in pain and let her go, and Manny turned around, ready to pounce, before she saw whom she had so blindly attacked.
Mr. Raditch stood before her, wincing and rubbing his knee.
She didn't care. Her face cooled down to neutral. Sully, so aptly named, had crumpled to the floor. He was close to passing out; a dent was embedded in his locker from when she knocked his head into it. Blood was forming on his lip. Manny didn't care.
"You're suspended for two weeks, Manuela Santos. Get out. I'll call your parents."
Manny laughed, the crazed laugh she had let loose minutes before. "How many times do I have to tell you people? My name isn't fucking Manuela! My name is Manny."
She couldn't seem to stop laughing, though it didn't really matter. Nothing mattered still. But she was lighter, happier. They didn't know, and now all they'd think was she had gone insane. But even that didn't matter. These people, these meaningless people…what the hell did it matter if they thought any less of her? It was only high school. The so-called best years of her life…yeah, right. She didn't belong here. She didn't belong.
Manny knew as she stumbled, laughing, down the hall that Emma would follow. It was just Emma's way. Emma would follow, and Emma would destroy the first joy Manny had felt in a long time. But she didn't resent her for it. There wasn't enough of her left to bother.