Chapter Nine: Regrets
Manny knew she had to cover her bruises. She had two weeks to heal before she had to go back to school, and she prayed it was enough time.
Her mother and father had barely spoken a word to her since the day she arrived home after attacking Sully. The anger was still in their eyes, the rage she had caused them. She had her own now, but it wasn't enough to make her foolish.
So Manny covered up, wearing long-sleeved shirts and jeans. She used her hair as a way to help cover her face, along with makeup. She tried her best to look and act normal, tried her best to reunite herself with her parents.
But nothing seemed to work, and the days dwindled on. Emma had tried calling a dozen or so times, but Manny always managed to avoid contact with her. Emma had even come over once, but Amada immediately turned her away. Not out of respect for Manny's wishes, but as a further punishment for Manny's mistakes.
If she knew that's what I wanted, Manny mused bitterly, she probably would have sent Emma straight up here.
Manny wished she hadn't tried to change her image. She wished she had never started that spat with Sully, or told Emma her fears, or challenged to her already angry mother. It wasn't only her feelings that she thought about; she really didn't want to disappoint her mother. But sometimes her own feelings just became too overwhelming to think about someone else's.
So she avoided Emma, and her parents avoided her. She saw no one, spoke to no one. Her mother never raised her hand in anger towards Manny for the time she was home. Every night Manny listened to her parents deliberate whether or not sending her off to Vivana was the right choice. Her father still seemed to be on that path, her mother seemed a little less sure. But it didn't matter, really, because if Javier Santos decided Manny was getting too caught up in herself, Amada Santos would immediately agree. For all intents and purposes, the Santos family was a patriarch, and Manny had no say both for her youth and gender.
She thought about her decision to flee if it ever got worse. She thought about how it may affect others. But though Manny still felt empathetic towards others, she knew she had to look out for herself. Because no one else would.
Manny knew in her heart that Emma was a good person, but she couldn't shake the feeling that when she returned to Degrassi, everyone would know the truth. Everyone would know her dream, and they'd never let her go.
Manny decided that scenario warranted running away, too.
I guess when you decide to leave, the excuses come more easily, she thought.
She still had vague bruising covering her body when her suspension was up. Not wanting to be too overt anymore, but realizing if she immediately changed back she would be regarded with as much curiosity as before, Manny wore a soft pink tank top that didn't quite meet the waist of her jeans—which were not low riders. She also put on a lacy white button-up shirt over the tank top and buttoned it halfway down. Manny looked at herself in the mirror, unsatisfied with who was looking back. Adding a fuzzy pink newspaper boy hat and pink sandals to her ensemble, she decided she looked fine enough.
The makeup wasn't as tricky as before, since her face looked almost normal. The bruise was still there, a sickly brownish-yellow color, but the cut had scabbed over a long while ago, and all that was left now was a little pink scar that Manny hoped would soon disappear. She slathered her face in cover-up nonetheless and added a dash of pink lipstick here, black eyeliner there, some pink eye shadow, and mascara.
She feigned a smile. When it didn't look real even to her, she practiced and practiced until she looked almost genuine.
"Well, here goes nothing," she whispered to her reflection. She picked up her bag and walked to school. Manny knew she had a week's detention after school; Mr. Raditch had called her parents and informed them that it was further punishment for her insolence. But apathy overwhelmed her senses, and not even the harsh light of the morning sun could warm all that was cold and dead inside of her.
When Manny was about halfway to school, she saw a wiry blonde girl standing on the sidewalk, staring at her. Emma wore a blue t-shirt and dark grey jeans, as well as a frown.
"What is it, Emma?" Manny asked when she reached her.
"Why didn't you call me back?"
"I'm grounded. My parents are strict, remember?"
"You could have at least tried," Emma insisted.
"Why bother, Em? So you could chew me out? I told you how I feel, and you brushed it off. So what else is there to say?" Manny demanded.
Emma grew quiet. Manny knew her well enough that she knew not to feel triumphant yet, but it was hard.
"It was a shock, Manny. I don't know what you're going through," Emma began. She stopped walking and stared Manny right in the eyes, forcing her to stare back. Manny looked away. "I don't know what's going on inside your head, Manny. But I'll be there for you. I still care about you, and I still want you to be happy."
Emma started to walk away. Manny stared at her for a few moments, unsure if she was supposed to call Emma back or not.
"So…you're not mad at me?" she finally said, loud enough for Emma to stop walking.
"Why would I be?" Emma said, not turning around. Her shoulder squared, her head held high, Manny knew the worst was still coming. Emma turned. "I'm not, but there are other people at Degrassi you're going to have to deal with."
Manny paled. "You told?"
Emma gave a small, half-hearted smile. "Of course I didn't. But that's not what's wrong."
Manny raised an eyebrow. "What did I do?"
Emma gave a surprised laugh. "Sully, remember?"
"Oh," Manny said, her face crestfallen.
Emma walked back towards Manny and wrapped her arms around her. "It'll be okay. I told you I'd be there for you; I didn't just mean emotionally there when you need me."
Manny laughed. "I know, Em. I love you."
Emma hesitated. Manny felt her friend stiffen, and she pushed away.
Jesus, Manny thought. "I'm not in love with you."
Emma looked away. "I didn't—"
"Yeah, you did," Manny said. She felt a hard knot form in her stomach, and she walked by Emma. Stopping, she said, "Don't think I feel any different for you than I did before I told you what was going on. I don't. You're my friend, and for that I love you. But I don't want to see you naked."
Emma scrunched her face up. "Manny, I—"
"I'll see you later," Manny said, and she kept walking.