December twelfth, it is dark out
Yes, I know it has been much too long since I last wrote. Please forgive a girl who has been well over her head in the nasty sort of tricks life likes to play.
Here is a brief recap of the last two months or so:
Draco and I moved into a lovely little house in early November. It has two bedrooms, a study and a library. I wanted a garden and he said that I could never be satisfied with a flat anyway. Nadia and Marty eloped. There was a flurry of confusion and Jenny came to stay with us while they were on their wedding trip. There was a rather nasty attack on a muggle family and I was just swamped with the mess it made.
So there is my short list of all the reasons why I did not find the time to fill your pages.
I am so very happy. It is hard to believe how much joy fills my days. Draco and I are fighting as often as ever, but it is the pleasant sort of spats that I love, not the rows that we had the last time we were a couple. He has come pretty close to admitting that he was wrong about things back then, but I have not yet heard an apology outright.
I have taken a good look at myself and what I want and have come to the realization that there is much more to life then the fairy tale happy ending. I know that things are not perfect between my love and my self, but they are very nice, and that is enough for me. My rage and hurt have been mitigated by his sweet words and gentle ministrations.
It was hard to admit, but I was bitter and prudish for years after our breakup. I was a beast to the poor souls I dated and cruel to my family as well. Life is a learning process, and I have finally let the lesson sink in. My words of forgiveness no longer ring hallow.
}}
Draco blinked up at the four bewildered faces above him. He groaned and rolled back over, trying to disappear into the blankets surrounding him. He sent a muffled 'Sod off' into the air, but the presence of the others did not leave his room. He grumbled to himself, and sat up.
"What the devil do you sorry buggers want?" he was surly and not inclined to hide it.
Nadia looked at the rumpled man wrapped in a comforter and almost felt pity towards him for what was about to happen. Then she thought of the tear streaked face of her best friend and thumped him upside the head with the pillow in her hands.
"You fucking fuckwit!" Blaise threw a tattered picture at his dazed mate. "What is your problem? Don't you know a good thing when you see it? How can you take such a blasé attitude towards your girl?" He gave a snort of disgust and turned away.
Draco glanced down at the photo and felt his heart twist. It was is Gin, pissed and looking distraught. She was disheveled and bloody eyed, with tears streaming down her face and half incoherent words pouring out of her mouth. She looked up from her butterbeer and hiccupped soulfully. He raised an eyebrow at his friends and listened patiently as they explained.
When they finished, each took turns berating him and doing their best to convince him that it was not ok to do the sorts of things he had been doing in a relationship. Draco was in a state of shock. He had been unaware of how unhappy his emotional reserve had been making Ginny. She never so much as mentioned the three words that he had not said, and he thought she understood why he refrained from telling her what he felt.
It would seem that she was as bad a mind reader as he was; because she let things get as far out of hand as they had.
Apparently, he had been giving the most mixed of signals to her. She rambled on and on to Nadia and Anna about how confused he made her and how alone she felt. The breaking point came late last night, when he had not returned home from work and missed their date without bothering to send an owl with an explanation. She had waited, all dolled up, for over two hours before slinking off to Anna's and drowning herself in firewhiskey and butterbeer.
Anna called in Nadia when Ginny started crying, and their husbands found out when they went looking for where their wives had disappeared to. After spending a long night trying to sober up Ginny and listening to her wail about how her relationship was a dead end, they had decided to beard the lion in his den.
"It's most likely the holidays mate" Marty said in a failed effort to cheer Draco up.
"Just thought you should know" Anna said as she absently patted his hand. Draco just glared at her, death thoughts circling his mind.
"Were did I go wrong?" he muttered. He shook his head to clear the cobwebs of self doubt. He went to stand up, but recalled that he was naked under the covers. He sent a pointed look to the male members of the group, and they herded their women from his room long enough for him to make himself decent.
He walked into the kitchen and found the foursome making plans around his kitchen table. Marty handed him a steaming cup of coffee and gestured for him to pull up a chair. Together they plotted a way to make things right again.
}}
January second, early morning
Once again, it has been forever since I had the time to put some thoughts to parchment. I have been stressed and strained. My job has kept me running in circles, and Draco has gone all funny on me again. He is the most confusing mass of irritation possible!
I got horrible drunk last week and made a fool of myself at Anna's. Word of it has gotten around to absolutely everyone. Draco keeps trying to find out what is wrong, but I cannot tell him when I do not know myself. He told me he would always be here for me, and that he wants to share all my ups and downs until we are both in the ground. I said I knew that. I need to work through my baggage before I even consider what I want from him. While I no longer dead set against marriage, I really do not think I am anywhere ready for it yet.
My family keeps telling me that I cannot put it off forever, Harry said he knew a great bloke he could fix me up with if Draco was having trouble coming up to scratch. I wanted to set that snow owl of his to peck out his eyes after that comment, but I controlled myself and limited my revenge to slipping some Freudian Flavor into his tea. Thank you Fred and George! That bug-eyed prat spent the rest of the night saying absolutely every thought that entered his small mind.
I cannot express how happy I am that the holidays are over and I am not forced to spend endless hours with my family.
Listen to me go on. My life is very simple, and I keep mucking it up by being prickly and hardhearted to all those around me. I need to take a clarity potion or something. I have a date with Hermione next week to try to sort through what is bothering me. She told me that I am starting to let my work take over my life and I need to prioritize. My lovely sister can always be counted on to be the voice of reason.
I am so tense right now that I dare not try to go back to sleep. All I will do I bother Draco enough to wake him, and then I will have to listen to a 'soothing' lecture about how deeply he cares for me and how that should make everything all right. Prat.
Oh I don't mean that. He is a wonderful man. He cannot help how dratted perplexing he is.
January eighteenth, moonrise
I am watching him sleep. I feel very voyeuristic right now, letting my eyes roam over his flawless skin and taking delight in all that the moonlight reveals to me.
We had a terrible fight tonight.
I guess it was my fault. We were chatting about what flowers I want to plant this spring. He was teasing me about my black thumb and I got offended. I went all huffy and touchy for a bit. I was just getting over it when he asked me why I never tell him what I am feeling and I lashed out at him. All the anger and half formed thoughts that have been rolling about in my mind for the last few months came pouring out of me.
He took it pretty well; much better then I took his side of it. When he started telling me all the petty grievances he had with our relationship I did not let a single comment pass without a snarky remark attached to it. He kept giving me this bemused look, and when I finally barked at him to find out why, he said that now he knew how Ron and Harry must have felt back in Hogwarts.
Hearing that cooled me down enough to listen to reason.
He so beautiful. It makes me think of a description in a song from one of my favorite muggle singers: invincible and golden. How apt. My lover is strong and powerful. He never appears otherwise, not even in the arms of sleep.
Right before he blew out the candle he leaned over my ear and whispered into it. He kissed my face and let himself sleep, never knowing that I was awake and had heard it. I have a feeling that he does this every night, and it unsettles me. Why is he so free with his words while I sleep but so guarded with them while I am awake?
Why doesn't he want me to hear "I love you"?
Yes, I know it has been much too long since I last wrote. Please forgive a girl who has been well over her head in the nasty sort of tricks life likes to play.
Here is a brief recap of the last two months or so:
Draco and I moved into a lovely little house in early November. It has two bedrooms, a study and a library. I wanted a garden and he said that I could never be satisfied with a flat anyway. Nadia and Marty eloped. There was a flurry of confusion and Jenny came to stay with us while they were on their wedding trip. There was a rather nasty attack on a muggle family and I was just swamped with the mess it made.
So there is my short list of all the reasons why I did not find the time to fill your pages.
I am so very happy. It is hard to believe how much joy fills my days. Draco and I are fighting as often as ever, but it is the pleasant sort of spats that I love, not the rows that we had the last time we were a couple. He has come pretty close to admitting that he was wrong about things back then, but I have not yet heard an apology outright.
I have taken a good look at myself and what I want and have come to the realization that there is much more to life then the fairy tale happy ending. I know that things are not perfect between my love and my self, but they are very nice, and that is enough for me. My rage and hurt have been mitigated by his sweet words and gentle ministrations.
It was hard to admit, but I was bitter and prudish for years after our breakup. I was a beast to the poor souls I dated and cruel to my family as well. Life is a learning process, and I have finally let the lesson sink in. My words of forgiveness no longer ring hallow.
}}
Draco blinked up at the four bewildered faces above him. He groaned and rolled back over, trying to disappear into the blankets surrounding him. He sent a muffled 'Sod off' into the air, but the presence of the others did not leave his room. He grumbled to himself, and sat up.
"What the devil do you sorry buggers want?" he was surly and not inclined to hide it.
Nadia looked at the rumpled man wrapped in a comforter and almost felt pity towards him for what was about to happen. Then she thought of the tear streaked face of her best friend and thumped him upside the head with the pillow in her hands.
"You fucking fuckwit!" Blaise threw a tattered picture at his dazed mate. "What is your problem? Don't you know a good thing when you see it? How can you take such a blasé attitude towards your girl?" He gave a snort of disgust and turned away.
Draco glanced down at the photo and felt his heart twist. It was is Gin, pissed and looking distraught. She was disheveled and bloody eyed, with tears streaming down her face and half incoherent words pouring out of her mouth. She looked up from her butterbeer and hiccupped soulfully. He raised an eyebrow at his friends and listened patiently as they explained.
When they finished, each took turns berating him and doing their best to convince him that it was not ok to do the sorts of things he had been doing in a relationship. Draco was in a state of shock. He had been unaware of how unhappy his emotional reserve had been making Ginny. She never so much as mentioned the three words that he had not said, and he thought she understood why he refrained from telling her what he felt.
It would seem that she was as bad a mind reader as he was; because she let things get as far out of hand as they had.
Apparently, he had been giving the most mixed of signals to her. She rambled on and on to Nadia and Anna about how confused he made her and how alone she felt. The breaking point came late last night, when he had not returned home from work and missed their date without bothering to send an owl with an explanation. She had waited, all dolled up, for over two hours before slinking off to Anna's and drowning herself in firewhiskey and butterbeer.
Anna called in Nadia when Ginny started crying, and their husbands found out when they went looking for where their wives had disappeared to. After spending a long night trying to sober up Ginny and listening to her wail about how her relationship was a dead end, they had decided to beard the lion in his den.
"It's most likely the holidays mate" Marty said in a failed effort to cheer Draco up.
"Just thought you should know" Anna said as she absently patted his hand. Draco just glared at her, death thoughts circling his mind.
"Were did I go wrong?" he muttered. He shook his head to clear the cobwebs of self doubt. He went to stand up, but recalled that he was naked under the covers. He sent a pointed look to the male members of the group, and they herded their women from his room long enough for him to make himself decent.
He walked into the kitchen and found the foursome making plans around his kitchen table. Marty handed him a steaming cup of coffee and gestured for him to pull up a chair. Together they plotted a way to make things right again.
}}
January second, early morning
Once again, it has been forever since I had the time to put some thoughts to parchment. I have been stressed and strained. My job has kept me running in circles, and Draco has gone all funny on me again. He is the most confusing mass of irritation possible!
I got horrible drunk last week and made a fool of myself at Anna's. Word of it has gotten around to absolutely everyone. Draco keeps trying to find out what is wrong, but I cannot tell him when I do not know myself. He told me he would always be here for me, and that he wants to share all my ups and downs until we are both in the ground. I said I knew that. I need to work through my baggage before I even consider what I want from him. While I no longer dead set against marriage, I really do not think I am anywhere ready for it yet.
My family keeps telling me that I cannot put it off forever, Harry said he knew a great bloke he could fix me up with if Draco was having trouble coming up to scratch. I wanted to set that snow owl of his to peck out his eyes after that comment, but I controlled myself and limited my revenge to slipping some Freudian Flavor into his tea. Thank you Fred and George! That bug-eyed prat spent the rest of the night saying absolutely every thought that entered his small mind.
I cannot express how happy I am that the holidays are over and I am not forced to spend endless hours with my family.
Listen to me go on. My life is very simple, and I keep mucking it up by being prickly and hardhearted to all those around me. I need to take a clarity potion or something. I have a date with Hermione next week to try to sort through what is bothering me. She told me that I am starting to let my work take over my life and I need to prioritize. My lovely sister can always be counted on to be the voice of reason.
I am so tense right now that I dare not try to go back to sleep. All I will do I bother Draco enough to wake him, and then I will have to listen to a 'soothing' lecture about how deeply he cares for me and how that should make everything all right. Prat.
Oh I don't mean that. He is a wonderful man. He cannot help how dratted perplexing he is.
January eighteenth, moonrise
I am watching him sleep. I feel very voyeuristic right now, letting my eyes roam over his flawless skin and taking delight in all that the moonlight reveals to me.
We had a terrible fight tonight.
I guess it was my fault. We were chatting about what flowers I want to plant this spring. He was teasing me about my black thumb and I got offended. I went all huffy and touchy for a bit. I was just getting over it when he asked me why I never tell him what I am feeling and I lashed out at him. All the anger and half formed thoughts that have been rolling about in my mind for the last few months came pouring out of me.
He took it pretty well; much better then I took his side of it. When he started telling me all the petty grievances he had with our relationship I did not let a single comment pass without a snarky remark attached to it. He kept giving me this bemused look, and when I finally barked at him to find out why, he said that now he knew how Ron and Harry must have felt back in Hogwarts.
Hearing that cooled me down enough to listen to reason.
He so beautiful. It makes me think of a description in a song from one of my favorite muggle singers: invincible and golden. How apt. My lover is strong and powerful. He never appears otherwise, not even in the arms of sleep.
Right before he blew out the candle he leaned over my ear and whispered into it. He kissed my face and let himself sleep, never knowing that I was awake and had heard it. I have a feeling that he does this every night, and it unsettles me. Why is he so free with his words while I sleep but so guarded with them while I am awake?
Why doesn't he want me to hear "I love you"?