Chapter Thirty: Love is a Battlefield
Manny stared at the oh-so white wall, wondering when she could leave. It had only been six days, but it felt like a lifetime. She had arrived, distrusting the facility to be of any help. So far, she was right. There were several other people there that may or may not belong, Manny wasn't sure yet. She wasn't feeling cynical enough to decide they all were crazy and she was fine.
She had attended group five times, learned everyone's story. There was Valerie, her bulimic roommate. Chase, who had set his own house on fire and was sent to the mental facility instead of juvenile hall after his lawyer proved he was legally insane at the time—which, Manny discovered, meant he didn't know the difference between right and wrong. He unnerved her. There was Darcy, also a bulimic. Jean, a pseudo-gothic cutter Manny thought was just out for attention. She met Matt, a boy so depressed he tried to kill himself. Julia, yet another cutter, David, who seemed to be Sociopathic and apparently tried to kill a girl named Hannah, Jahnava, who had tried to kill herself with Pine Sol and had delved into cutting, and finally there was Mr. Boyd, who was the leader of their discussions. He was around twenty-three, and Manny wasn't yet sure if he genuinely wanted to help her, or if he was just like everyone else. She was betting on the latter.
The past couple days when they tried to get Manny to speak, she just shrugged and said, "I fell in love." Jean responded with a less-than poignant 'there is no love', nor did the others really accept it at face value. Manny didn't feel like talking. She had nothing to say to these people, and no one could force her to speak. They could torture her if they wanted, but speaking was one of those things you alone control. Manny would just stare at the floor and listen. She wasn't even that interested in what they had to say, so wrapped up in her own problems. But she knew that was probably the case for all eight of her new acquaintances, and hell, probably even Mr. Boyd.
"…so, I thought what better way to get skinny for the dance, right? I had never been all that pretty, but I so wanted Hank to ask me…"
Manny tried to drown out Darcy's voice as she went on about how she became bulimic. Everyone had heard the story before, even Manny.
"…but then it became a whole control issue. I couldn't not purge after every meal, and it became so…"
Manny rubbed her fingers lightly over one of her older scars. It sent a chill up her spine, and she looked up to see David staring intently at her. Manny's eyes cooled down, and she stared back.
"…necessary that I was, like, not in control anymore, y'know? Well, so I…"
A smile formed on David's face. It grew and grew. He grinned at Manny, gave her a wink. Manny mouthed 'fuck you' to him. It only made him smile more.
"…just couldn't stop, and, like, it became so much that my mom found me passed out and she—"
"—It wasn't love," Manny said suddenly. She realized with a jolt she had spoken aloud. Everyone was staring. David was laughing silently to himself, and Darcy was glaring at Manny for interrupting.
"What do you mean, Manny?" Mr. Boyd asked.
Manny looked at him, and felt her heart sink. She had spoken. She had broken her nearly perpetual silence, and she wished she could take it back. "Nothing," she said.
He frowned at her sternly. "Manny, you really do need to participate. What wasn't love?"
Tears welled up in Manny's eyes, and she hated herself for it. Hated herself for appearing weak in front of these people, these strangers. She didn't know why she wanted to be so strong for them, but she did.
"Yeah, Manny. Like, what are you talking about?" Darcy asked.
"I know I want to hear her story," David added.
Manny glared at him. Out of everyone, he was the worst. He made her feel like a freak. He had tried to kill someone, and she was the freak?
"Manny?" Mr. Boyd asked. His voice was syrupy-sweet, like that would get her to talk. At that moment, she really didn't like him.
"You should talk. It will help," Valerie said. Valerie had been trying to get Manny to talk for days. Manny had overheard others asking her if she was always so quiet, or if it was just in group.
Manny blinked back her tears, though fresh came up to replace them. "It wasn't love," she whispered. "What…what Theresa and I had…wasn't love. It was…it was more like obsession. I wanted her. I had to have her." Manny swallowed, it was so hard for her to get this out.
Valerie, Chase, Darcy, Julia, and Jean looked surprised. Manny hadn't mentioned the prospect of her lesbianism before. Only Mr. Boyd was aware, and he let his charges explain their scenario themselves.
"You like chicks? Cool," David said, his never-ending smile firmly in place.
"I do believe that means you don't have a chance in hell, Davey," Jahnava said, smiling sweetly.
David glared at her. "Fuck you."
"You don't have a chance with me, either, pumpkin," she said.
"You little bi—"
"Both of you, be quiet!" Mr. Boyd said, his voice louder than usual. They jumped a little, but quickly regained their composure.
Manny smiled to herself and glanced at Jahnava. She was one of the most beautiful girls Manny had ever seen. Of black, white, and Spanish descent, her skin was a light cocoa, her lips full and perfect. She had dark eyes and long, black hair. Manny thought that of all the people she had met in the hospital, Jahnava was the only one she could see herself as friends with. Jahnava looked over at her and gave a reassuring nod. Manny smiled at her, a small curl of lips, but enough that the girl noticed.
"Will you continue, please, Manny?"
The relief she had been feeling was quickly washed away, and Manny looked at the ground. "Maybe tomorrow," she whispered.
"Can I at least call her?"
Emma had been talking to Mrs. Santos for nearly half an hour. Manny's mother wouldn't tell her where Manny was staying. Emma didn't even know what city it was in, let alone the name of the facility.
"She can have no contact with anyone, Emma," Mrs. Santos sighed.
"But why not?"
Emma had been fighting to see Manny, fighting for so long. Nothing was working, nothing got through. She was so desperate to see her best friend, but it didn't seem likely. She didn't know why her feelings had changed so rapidly over the last six days. She went from angry to sympathetic to fearful to dejected to desperate. She had to see Manny.
"Please, Mrs. Santos."
"Not even I can see my daughter. My own daughter," Amada burst out.
Emma paled. "I…I didn't know."
"Goodbye, Emma."
Mrs. Santos hung up the phone. Emma listened until she heard a dial tone, and then placed it down. She wandered to her room and sat on her bed.
"Oh, Manny," Emma sighed. Her eyes filled with tears as she thought of all the times they had shared, both good and bad. "I miss you so much, Manny," Emma spoke. But Manny couldn't hear her, and Emma burst into sobs.