Chapter Thirty-One: Sunglasses At Night
"So, why Pine Sol?" Manny asked. She and Jahnava were sitting down in the corridor. They weren't allowed to be left alone unguarded for very long, if ever, but the girls were managing.
Jahnava shrugged, a slightly embarrassed smile on her face. "It was around."
Manny smiled at her. "You're a little silly, you know that?"
It had been three days. She hadn't confessed her true feelings in group since. When her courage had been brought to the surface, it was smashed back into her, and Manny didn't feel like telling her story. Especially to David. Chase was creepy, but Manny simply abhorred David.
"So, what about you? Think you're ready to talk yet?" Jahnava asked.
The mood shifted, and Manny felt the beginnings of anger trickle through her veins. Jahnava would occasionally hint about her curiosity, and Manny did her best to ignore it. She liked her, but she didn't want to confess her story. "No," Manny said flatly.
"I know you don't want to hear this, but you have to start talking, Manny. If you don't talk, you never get out."
"Everyone else is talking and talking and talking, but I don't see them leaving anytime soon! Why would it be different for me? Dammit, I just want to go home!"
Jahnava grew quiet. She looked down at her hands, locked together nervously. "You never will."
Manny looked at her, shock overwhelming her face. She stood up and ran back to her room, slamming the door.
A nurse appeared and was knocking on Manny's door, asking her what she was doing. The doors had windows, but Manny was sitting in front of it, hiding under the door, locking others out with her body weight.
"Manny, what's going on?"
Manny was rocking back and forth, covering her ears, knocking her head into the door over and over. The nurse was pushing on the door, and Manny felt herself sliding. "Nothing! Nothing!" Manny shrieked. "Leave me alone! I want to go home! Please, let me go home!"
"What's going on?"
"Manny's freaking out."
"Bound to happen eventually."
"Should we help her?"
"That is one girl who can't be helped."
"Hey, shut up!"
"Pfft, what, you a lesbian too now?"
"Leave her alone."
"Um, I need to get into my room."
"I think that will be a little hard, Val."
"So, what do you think is happening to Manny?"
Soon all the voices, all the voices she couldn't differentiate, blended together, and all she could hear was her name being chanted, over and over, above a loud buzzing background noise of other conversation. Manny screamed.
"Hey, Jahnava!"
Jahnava looked around. Her eyes were distant. Manny hesitated, but continued walking towards her friend.
"Where've you been?" Jahnava asked as Manny sat on the musty old couch.
Manny blushed. "Padded room."
"Well, you did knock yourself unconscious with all that banging your head on the wall."
"I know," Manny whispered. She bit her lower lip from the inside and asked, "Is there group tonight?"
Jahnava looked at Manny, startled. "You know there is."
"How…how long have I been in there? There are no windows. For obvious reasons."
Jahnava shrugged. "A couple days."
"So that makes it…"
"Eleven days in all."
"Jesus," Manny sighed.
"So…are you talking tonight?"
Manny grew quiet. "I guess so."
Jahnava gave a small smile and patted Manny's leg. "It will be good for you. Trust me."
And strangely, Manny did.
Manny breathed in, rethinking her stance on talking. She had been here for nearly two weeks and said almost nothing. She didn't want them to know her secrets, didn't think they deserved to hear them.
Closing her eyes tightly as if she could disappear, Manny's heart sped as Julia finished her conversation with Jean about why they started to cut. It had already been commented—by David, of course—that if Jahnava joined and Manny actually spoke up, it would be 'cutter's night' at the hospital. No one was amused.
"Manny?" Mr. Boyd said softly. "Are you ready?"
Manny opened her eyes and looked at him. So serene, so calm…Manny wanted him to feel what she felt and then ask if she was 'ready'. She was incredulous at his phrasing, as if this was just some casual thing. But she had been trying to regain control of her emotions ever since the outburst with Jahnava and the two days locked in a padded cell.
Manny swallowed. She knew she had to do this. She knew she had to. She breathed deeply once more, and opened her mouth to speak.
"Ooh, she's actu—"
"Shut up, David," Mr. Boyd interrupted. "Manny, go on."
David leaned back in his chair, his arms crossed angrily. Manny couldn't help but feel a little superior. No one liked David.
"It began with a dream," Manny said quietly. "It ended up a nightmare. I realized that I might…like girls. This was after…Craig, Sully, and all these other boys I pretended to like. I realized why I felt so empty. And when I knew…I freaked. I attacked Sully in the hallway. Emma, my best friend, came after me. I told her. She didn't take it well. Actually, I just assumed she didn't, so I yelled at her.
"There's this girl, Paige. Well, Paige and I are on the Spirit Squad together. She thought I had been raped. I told her the truth, and like I knew she would, she told everyone.
"People started attacking me, mocking me, trying to bring me down. I don't remember when I started cutting, but I remember when I started smoking. It was because of her.
"Her name was Theresa, and I thought she was perfect. I knew she wasn't, some part of me knew that, but the rest of me refused to listen," Manny grew quiet. A tear had trickled down her cheek at the thought of Theresa, and she sniffled.
"It's okay, Manny. You can continue, or you can stop here and we'll pick it up another time," Mr. Boyd offered.
"No, if I don't talk now, I'll never talk," Manny protested. She took a moment to regain her composure. "Theresa…Theresa is older. She liked me. But she liked me, she wasn't…she's not like me. But I didn't care. I made her into something she could never dream of being. My ideal. It all went to hell from there."
"What happened?" Jahnava asked softly. Everyone save David was leaning forward. All were curious about Manny. No one really knew her story, not even Jahnava.
Manny wiped away another tear, but more quickly followed. She looked down at the floor. "I guess I hadn't started cutting yet. Actually, it started out with burning my arms with cigarettes. Theresa made the pain go away better than anything else, though. But she wasn't always around.
"And then when I started, I couldn't stop. It became a release, but not just for pain. For everything, but I mostly just felt pain inside. I was so lost inside myself, and no one was coming to find me. I was drowning in me, but no one seemed to really care. Maybe that's why I attached myself to the first girl that came along.
"I know it wasn't love now. I can understand that. I understand that when I kissed her, she didn't know that I wanted to. I understand that I made her an ideal. I never let her be the girl she was without adding the girl I needed her to be. And when I ran away the second time, I understand why she didn't come after me this time.
"I scared her. I must have. I was—am—so messed up inside, and she couldn't feel it. I blinded myself to her because I needed her to be someone else." Manny looked up at Mr. Boyd. She stared for a moment, quietly, tears streaming down her face. "I don't want to talk anymore," she whispered.
He smiled at her. "It's alright, Manny. You did well today."
Manny nodded.
"Matt, would you like to…"
Mr. Boyd's voice drifted off as Manny stared harder at the floor. She felt light-headed, as though she would pass out any moment now. Talking about it had taken more energy than she realized, admitting her perspective was blocked off by some unseen force had taken a lot out of her. Manny understood that she had created it all in her mind, she understood that nothing in her world as of late had been in reality's spectrum. But it didn't make it any easier.