"Are you sure you're ready?"
Manny looked up, surprised to see Emma's mom peering down the stairs. Manny and Emma shared the basement bedroom that had been created once Jack Simpson-Nelson was born.
"It's been two weeks. I think if I don't do this now, I'll lose my nerve forever," Manny called out to her.
"Okay," Spike said hesitantly. "If you're sure. But if you change your mind, call me and I'll come get you."
"Thanks," Manny replied. Spike waited, as if she wanted to say more or expected Manny to. Finally she turned around and left the doorway. The door was still open.
Manny looked around her. Clothes were strewn all over her side of the room. Compared to Emma's side, it looked as if a prejudiced tornado had struck. She sighed. She didn't think the Simpson-Nelson's appreciated her clutter, but they never once complained. Everyone was tiptoeing around her feelings, and she was tired of being babied.
Emma didn't go to school most of the time. Mr. Simpson talked to Mr. Raditch about her frequent absences, and he had surprisingly agreed that under the circumstances, it was best that Emma stayed and protected Manny from herself. She always did her homework on time, and made sure that Manny did as well. She was responsible, and trusted. Manny wished that she could have the same predisposition to reliability that her friend had.
But today was the day. The day Manny had been both longing for, and fearing with all the strength inside her.
The day that she was going to go back to Degrassi.
She knew it would be horrible. People would look at her. They'd remember. There would be whispers and declarations of false sympathy, and Manny dreaded every minute of it.
But she had to be strong. She had to face her fears, or she'd soon turn into a neurotic shut-in. She'd be the one children whispered about as they passed her home each day. Manny didn't want that. She wanted to live.
She didn't know which made her more apprehensive—the promise of false sympathy, the torment of casual cruelty, or the delicious torture of seeing Theresa Scannel again.
Manny's self-loathing reached new heights whenever thoughts of Theresa crossed her mind. She buried her head in her pillow in shame. She'd cry out, whimper, scream. She'd hit the walls. She'd do anything to take Theresa off of her mind. The thoughts were nearly crippling. Manny hated to think of her, hated it more than anything else in the world.
But her thoughts always wandered there. Even when she wasn't thinking about her, her thoughts would switch to how glad she was that she wasn't, and it would all be over. Manny knew with absolute certainty that for the rest of her life, she'd feel this burning hole of despair whenever she heard the name Theresa.
And it wasn't just that. In her obsession, Manny had somehow corrupted the life of Theresa, too. She knew they'd never forget each other. But they'd always want to. She knew that when something had happened to the extremity that her interaction with Theresa had, you'd be forever connected to that person.
She wanted to sever the ties forever. She didn't want to see her again.
But that was what had to be done. And on some level, Manny knew that it wasn't just because she went to the same school. And it wasn't because she had formed such a twisted idea of love for the girl.
She would never be healthy unless she could face the one girl she damaged the most.
Manny stood up. She squared her shoulders and walked up the basement stairs. Emma, Spike, and Mr. Simpson were all waiting, all staring at Manny Santos.
She gave them a small smile. It was time.
-X-
"So I see your little girlfriend is back," Paige said, pushing herself off of the locker she had been leaning on.
Emma stopped walking. She faced Paige. "Does it make you happy to destroy lives?" she asked.
Paige snorted. "Destroy lives? Melodramatic much, hon?"
"That seems to be what you want to do," Emma pointed out.
Paige rolled her eyes. "Emma, if someone's very life can be destroyed by little old me, then they're not worth much to begin with. Regardless, you need to lighten up."
"And you think that attacking my best friend is the way to do that?" Emma asked sarcastically.
Paige smiled. "Your peace isn't my problem."
Emma glowered at her. She couldn't comprehend how someone could be so horrible. And for what? What was Paige trying to prove? "You're such a jerk," Emma seethed.
Paige smirked. "Why don't you go write an editorial about it, hon?"
An anger Emma never knew welled up inside her. She thought of Manny, poor Manny, who had just wished for Paige to listen and understand. She had confided in Paige when she wouldn't even talk to Emma. That hurt Emma, that Manny would trust someone so disreputable over her. And look how Paige repaid her trust. She threw it back in her face. Emma began to shake, and she could only think of one way to rid herself of this horrible hateful energy that was building to a point of explosion.
Emma slapped Paige. Her head reared back, her long blonde hair creating a curtain she peered through in surprise.
"What do you—"
"You know what? Shut the hell up. I don't want to hear your shrill little voice any more," Emma glowered. She walked away, a large piece of herself feeling satisfied, but with that thread of fear of retaliation.
Paige watched Emma stalk off in awe. Her face throbbed. She put a hand to it apprehensively, and sucked in her breath in pain. She took her hand out, and looked at it. Blood. She was bleeding.
That little wench was wearing a ring! Paige realized.
Down the hall, Emma turned the small band on her right ring finger around so that the jewel was no longer on the palm side of her hand. She smiled.
-X-
Manny stared. It was as if time both slowed down and sped up. Everyone around her was moving at an inhuman pace. Everyone but herself and the pretty auburn-haired girl down the hall.
Theresa Scannel.
Painful memories resurfaced. Her eyes squeezed together tightly, and she self-consciously patted her dramatically shorter, ugly hair.
Theresa, her Theresa, was right down the hall. She was so very close…and so very far away.
Manny had no idea it would be this hard to see her again. She thought she'd be better prepared for the ordeal. She didn't know which way to run. A strong part of her wanted to run to Theresa, and a stronger part wanted to run away forever.
Manny felt herself doing what she had done too much of lately. She was crying.
-X-
Theresa was not ignorant. She had seen the girl down the hall. The very familiar girl. It had taken mere seconds to recognize her. The face that would haunt her the rest of her life was staring down at her as if she were a lifejacket in the most horrible of storms. Theresa was afraid.
She couldn't really understand any of it. She hadn't meant to lead Manny on, if she even did that much. The concept of Manny's psyche was so alien to her. She knew without hesitation that Manny Santos was a deeply disturbed girl.
A piece of her longed to comfort the girl, to make her recognize that it had all been a silly misunderstanding. She wanted her life back, but she had nightmares every night. The school incident was still fresh in her mind, and she was petrified of a repeat performance.
Please, please, just go away, Theresa thought desperately. The nurture she felt wasn't nearly as strong as the terror, the reproach. Oh, god, what do I do now?
Theresa's eyes were watering. Manny's predicament had made her so lost. She stole a glance at the girl, but to her surprise and relief, Manny was gone. It was as if Theresa had imagined her the whole time.
-X-
Manny slammed the door. She held it closed with her body, breathing heavily. She felt as though she had been chased, but she knew it was unlikely. It was so hard. So incredibly hard. Theresa was there, right there. Right in front of her. Manny's eyes were wide in permanent shock.
She saw me! She knew I was there!
Manny's fingers curled into her palms, and she dug her nails in as hard as she could. Rage and pain tore a shriek from her throat, and she felt her right arm swing wildly and claw into her left.
Manny closed her eyes. Her arm stung something awful, but she didn't want to see it. She slumped down onto the floor and covered her eyes with her hands. She couldn't hold back any longer. She sobbed and sobbed, finally falling onto the floor on her side, violent desperation tearing through her throat.
That was where she was when Emma found her, over an hour later.