Chapter 17...
"Deeper"
Hanson
Every simple notion is poetry in motion
Can't you see it's pushing me over the edge
This wrecking ball you're holding
Could crush the heart you've stolen
I give you my devotion all over again
There comes a time in everyone's life when they come to the realization that everything they do has consequences. As a child, you worry about nothing. Normal kids worry about whether or not to dig for worms and if they want Oreos or Chips Ahoy after their dinner. I worried about whether or not I had taken all my pills and if I had taken them, if I was going to live to the next agonizing day.
For most of my life I had known that I was never going to be like everyone else. I also knew that if no one knew that I was sick, then they would treat me just like everyone else. As shallow as that may sound, that is what teenagers worry about...whether or not they are going to fit in and by living a lie, I fit in perfectly. I was an outstanding student and the girl who, as it seemed, could do no wrong.
Man, were they off. My number one mistake was not telling Lucas. To me, my life felt like a bad teen drama. Girl falls for boy; girl doesn't tell boy secret, girl gets even sicker. Now it was my call. I had to make the next scene and it was going to make the whole movie perfect.
Looking around my hospital room brought back hundreds of unwanted memories and a couple good ones. The main memory was when I got so sick the first time. I was so scared. No one knew what was wrong with me and as a ten year old child that was nerve-racking. As odd as it may sound, when they told me I was relieved. Although, with the bad came the good. I also thought of when Lucas came to see me after I broke my jaw. I was kicking my self for not telling him the truth. He was the only person in my life who had been there for me. He cared enough about me to visit me when I was hurt, not sleep with me when he knew I wasn't ready, but still I continued to push him away.
As if he knew I was thinking about him, he walked in the door to my room. He smiled at me, but didn't speak. By the look on his face, I could tell he had so many questions to ask me that I was not prepared to answer. Even though I had been sick for so long, it felt like a new thing to me considering I have never told anyone or talked about it before.
"Hey." I said, watching him sit in the chair diagonal from my bed. His hair was messy like he hadn't slept all night, which he probably hadn't. Lucas' red shirt matched the color of his tear streaked face. I pointed around the room and asked, "Remind you of anything?"
He half-laughed, nodded and looked down at the tiled floor. After several silent minutes he looked back up, "Why didn't you tell me?" He ran his tanned fingers through his sandy blonde hair. His eyes became bluer as tears filled his eyes.
I knew this would come sooner or later, I thought to myself as I covered my face with my hands. He spoke again as if he knew what was running through my head, "You can't hide from it anymore Madison."
I looked up from behind my hands, "Please, Lucas, you don't understand so stop pretending like you do." I gradually became more upset through the moments of silence. Finally I broke it, "I just..." I looked up at the ceiling as if maybe I could see straight through the building and out to the sky, "All I ever wanted was to be normal." I looked at him and squinted my eyes, "I didn't tell anyone because I wanted... I didn't want anyone to treat me any different."
He moved in his seat, as if he was contemplating getting up. He remained sitting and said, "I guess, all I wanted to know it why didn't you tell me?" I watched him lean forward in his seat, elbows on knees, and head in hands.
"Because, because if I told then I knew that everything would change and..."
"How do you know that?" He got closer to me. His hand reached out and touched my left arm.
Part of me wanted to give in, and almost did. "I don't." I watched Lucas' mouth open to talk, but I began speaking before he could start. "But what if I told you? Everything would... nothing would be the same." My eyes filled again and I began to sob. I fell into his arms. "God, Lucas I am scared. I just... I can't lose you and of course I am scared of dying but I am more scared of losing you."
He wiped the tears they were quickly falling from my eyes. "Don't worry. You won't lose me."
My head shook at a speed that made it feel like any second it might fall off and roll onto the floor. "You say that now but later, when it gets hard..."
"I'll still be there." He ran his hands over my head and down my face. His warm hands on my ice cold face felt better than it ever had. Lucas made me feel like there was nothing wrong with me. He made me feel healthy.
Every inch of my body wondered what he was doing still with me. No one stuck around me for this long. Finally the tears stopped flowing thanks to Lucas, "Why are you still here?" I looked up at him my eyes meeting his, "Why are you so good to me?"
A smile crept across his face. It was contagious, I smiled back at him. He crawled up on the bed with me, my body facing his. His warm lips met my forehead and he said, "Cause I love you." His thumb traced over the place where he kissed my head and he spoke again, "You know, everything really does happen for a reason."
I watched him move off the bed and stand beside me. He reached behind his neck and unclasped his necklace. "If we weren't under the circumstances that we are in, I would never do this, but... call me crazy."He said shrugging his shoulders with a boyish grin. He knelt down on one knee and held out his necklace to me, "Will you marry me?"