"Learning To Breathe"
Switchfoot
Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need you
This is the way that I'm
Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies
Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad
So this is the way I say I need you
This is the way that I say I love you
This is the way that I say I'm yours
This is the way, this is the way
The weather was as fitting as it tended to be. Life handed them tragedy and Mother Nature gave them the weather to match. It had always been like this. The rain pitter-pattering on the window next to him was reminiscent of the tears which poured from his ice colored eyes. Looking around the room, everything was gone. The room that once looked like a spring garden now looked like a room in an insane asylum. The all too happy print on the walls in the frigid room sent chills down his spine.
Remembering what happened in the room the night before made him want to throw up. He missed her already. How could he not? He had become a Newlywed and a Widower all in the last twenty four hours. Wiping his eyes, he lowered his head into his hands. He stood up and ran his hands over the empty bed, remembering her everything about her. Her little imperfections. Her different colored eyes, the freckle on the end of her nose, the way she ran her fingers through her hair when she was getting nervous or when she was calming down. He missed her, all of her.
He couldn't stand it any longer. Finally, after months of loving her and weeks of knowing that she could leave him at any moment, he broke down. He fell to his knees next to the bed where she had been for so long. He heard a knock from the door and then a voice, "Hey." The voice said quietly.
Lucas looked up to see Haley standing in the doorway. He gave her a half hearted smile. She walked toward him and knelt down. The fact that she said nothing was more comforting to him then anything she could have ever said. She put her hand over top of his and squeezed it. He fell into her arms. She still said nothing but let him cry into her shoulder as he had done for her so many times before.
He thought about what she had said to him repeatedly, "Everything happens for a reason". It's hard to believe that now, he thought to himself. Pulling away from Haley he said, "I just feel so stupid right now."
She ran her hand over his back, "Why would you say that Lucas?"
"I just feel like there was so much more that I could have done, like somewhere along the line I wasted my precious time that I had with her." He said trying to stand, "There is so much I wish I had told her."
Haley stood and took his hand again, "Lucas, trust me she knew everything that she needed to know."
The pair walked out of the room. Lucas looked back, wondering if maybe this was all a bad dream. He closed his eyes tightly and slowly opening them. Hoping that he would soon wake up from this nightmare and she would be standing in front of him. Health and happy. That was all he ever wanted for her.
Walking out of the hospital, he felt like he was leaving her. He wished that he could just start over, but he couldn't. Nathan, Peyton, and Jake stood outside the hospital. Nathan was cross armed, Peyton couldn't look up at him, and Jenny was in Jake's arms, crying as if she knew what had just happened.
"Listen, Lucas, I'm really..." Peyton started to say, putting her hand on his arm.
He shrugged her arm off and said, "I really... just don't want to talk about this right now."
Peyton nodded and stepped back. Jake kicked a rock and looked up, "Okay... um," He didn't know what to say. No one did. What was there to be said? It was a sticky situation. There was nothing to be said. "I am parked over here." Jake said pointing toward his car, "I don't know who drove but I can take who ever."
It started again. The familiar tears started to fall once more. "I should have been more understanding." He paused and sat down on the bench next to the doors. "Then maybe she would have told me and she would have gotten the help that she needed."
"Luke, there was nothing you could have done."
"Damnit Nathan. There was. There was so much that I could have done." He threw his hat to the ground. Why couldn't hats be heavier so that when you throw them you could get some anger out? He thought to himself. "God bless." He leaned over and picked the hat up. Placing it on his head he said, "I loved her so much."
"She loved you too, you know Lucas." Haley said, sitting down next to her friend on the bench.
Everyone was quiet. Again, there was nothing to be said. Jake put his arm around Peyton and pulled her close to him. In his other arm was Jenny who had just stopped crying. Haley leaned her head on Lucas shoulder. Nathan shoved his hands into his pockets and said, "Well... what do we do now?"
Peyton shrugged her shoulders, "Not to sound to cliché but what do you think Madison would have wanted to do Lucas?"
"Yeah," Jake said, "If Madison was getting out of the hospital right now, what would she have wanted to do?"
Haley cringed, hoping that what Jake had just said would not upset Lucas. She looked at him and he raised his head. He looked at his friends and said, "Either go to the café or to the beach."
Peyton smiled and said, "She did love the beach." She laughed, "remember when we beat you all at volleyball?"
They laughed and Nathan said, "Jake's foot was hurt."
"No, no," Haley said standing up and walking toward Nathan. He put his arm around her waist, "When Peyton thought she got stung by a jellyfish, that was classic."
Nathan watched Lucas smile and said, "Seriously Peyton, that was just about the stupidest thing you have ever done."
She squinted her eyes at him, "Right like you have never done anything stupid."
"Yeah Nate," Lucas said, finally entering the conversation, "Remember ...the boat."
"Oh Jesus," Haley squealed, "He probably doesn't remember it." She lowered her head onto her husband's shoulder, "He was a little drunk and was a little busy trying to figure out how he broke it to remember everything that was going in the boat." She ran her fingers through her hair and said, "I am going to quote Madison on this one, 'Let's just say Nathan Scott is not the smartest guy in the world no matter how many times he get tutored, but he can do a lefty lay up better than anyone out here."
Lucas laughed and took a deep breathe. He stood up and said, "Let's get out of here." He twirled his wedding ring around his finger, "I don't exactly know what she would have wanted us to do but I know she wouldn't want us to sit around here."
"Where to?" Jake asked as he followed Peyton to his car.
"Lets go to the café first, then we can go do whatever." Lucas said as he walked toward his car.
Nathan watched him, "That's a pretty damn good parkin' place."
"That's what I got for being here everyday for the past month." Lucas opened his driver's side door and climbed in. He fiddled with his ring and started his car. The radio was playing quietly in the background. He reached into his pocket to make sure he had his wallet. He had been leaving it in Madison's hospital room and was not used to having it in his pocket. He pulled it out and opened it. Out fell a little, folded up piece of paper. It was a note. He unfolded it and began reading.
Lucas,
By the time you are reading this I might be gone, I am not sure. I have never been sure when I was leaving, but now I think is the time. I am so thankful for you and everything that you have brought into my life. You are my soul mate, my husband and my best friend and I hope that for the rest of your days you think about me. I promise on everything that I will be watching you and your every move so don't do anything too stupid. I told Haley everything that you will ever need to know so if there is ever a time when you have a question, just ask her. Just remember this, don't have any regrets because everything happens for a reason. I love you dearly.
Love Always and Forever Maddie
A smile crept across his face. He looked behind him to see Jake and Nathan's cars waiting on him. He rolled down his passenger side window. Nathan yelled at him, "You ready?"
Lucas nodded and said, "Yeah sorry." He rolled the window back up and put his wallet back into his pocket. He looked up and said, "Everything does happen for a reason, that's the one thing I know." He put his car in reverse and followed his friends. His terrible day had just gotten a lot better. As if it knew, the sky opened up, clouds parted making room for the warm sun. He smiled and said, "Thanks. I needed that."