Hiei Meets Mary Sue
"Psst. Hey, you! Mysteriously sexy guy hiding in the shadows on top of that building?"
"Hn? Me?" Hiei leaned over the edge of the building he was on top of. In the dank alley below, a young girl was tied up. Using his Jagan, with its good distance vision, he could see rope burns around her wrists and ankles. She had been tied up for awhile. Her circulation would probably cut off soon, and leave her hands and feet looking like Violet from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory after eating the meal-in-a-gum. Not that Hiei had ever actually seen that movie voluntarily, mind you. Yusuke had forced him to. It was revenge for that one time Law and Order: SVU marathon Hiei had helped force him to watch.
"I don't see any other mysteriously sexy guys, do you?" the girl responded. "Come here."
"What about that mysteriously sexy guy over there?" Hiei pointed to the other building bordering the alley.
"There isn't one," the tied up chick snapped. "My sensors show no bishounen data."
"Damn," Hiei muttered. "The whole point-n-run thing usually works."
"Not this time. Come here."
Hiei sighed and leapt from the top of the building. He plummeted gracefully, and finally lighted on the ground, carefully bending his knees on impact.
"What do you want?" the demon asked boredly.
"Save me. The big guy, he's gonna come back and rape me or something."
"No."
The little Sue blinked her large, exotic colored eyes. "Why NOT?" she exclaimed.
Hiei sighed again and reached into his coat. This was getting tiresome. He had been stopped by no less than fifteen girls needing to be saved from various... ah! There it was. He pulled a thick stack of paper from his coat, the word 'Contract' printed at the top in elegant, flowing script. He tossed the papers at the girl, aiming it to give her a little bit of a papercut on her wrist for his trouble.
"Article fifty-six, clause eight point nine-oh-two," he said in the same bored tone.
The Sue blinked and flipped to the page, using a lonely plothole to get rid of her bindings for the time being. "'Under no circumstances am I, the undersigned, obliged to save random human women thrust into my world by fanfiction authors on the account of it being horribly out of characer and,'" here, Miss Mary Sue's eyes widened to the point of being ridiculous, even in anime, "'it cuts into MY TV AND CAKE TIME?'" She slapped the paper with her hand--earning herself a couple new papercuts to match her rope burns. "What the hell is that?"
Hiei rolled his eyes, frustration causing them to glow ominously. "Statistics show that mos Mary Sue fanfiction characters, or to use a term you would relate to, since you probably deny your Sueity, 'ppl like u,' are written and created around three o'clock in the afternoon or midnight." He shoved his hands in his pockets; a standard, almost obligatory pose for the members of the Urameshi Team. "Three bacause that's when the preteen girls who create you are home from school, and midnight because that's when they can get away with reading lemon fics and not get caught by their parents." The demon reached for his contract and stuffed it back into his coat. "Three p.m. and midnight is when my favorite TV shows are on. And Kurama's mother usually bakes cake around that time. So we usually hang around his house around that time."
"At midnight?"
"His mom's asleep then."
"I see." The plothole faded away and the bindings returned. "And you, being the cunning, manipulative little cutie you are, worked it so that you just never have to rescue innocent human girls."
Hiei snorted. "Innocent, my ass. You've spent the last ten minutes daydreaming about how much you wish I was the one tying you up, rather than that big gang leader you claim is going to rape you."
The girl twitched, not wanting Hiei to know he was right.
"Thought so," the demon said smugly, Jagan glowing cheerfully under his headband. "I'll see your creator Saturday night at nine-thirty."
"Wait!" the Sue called.
"Hn? What now?" Hiei turned away from her, ready to dash away and leave her with nothing but an after-image.
The girl turned on her puppy eyes, just in case Hiei turned back around. "Can you at least get someone else to rescue me?"
"Why doesn't your creator just write you super powers?" Hiei wondered out loud. "You know, make you a female ice slash fire demon like me, or a stunning sexy reincarnated youko thief, like Kurama. Or, hell forbid, Yusuke's American cousin with a super Reigun?"
The Sue sighed the sigh of the long-suffering. "Because, you idiot, the whole point of the this fanfiction was supposed to be to make you fall in love with a human girl and realize just what a cold bastard you are and change."
Hiei raised a fine eyebrow. "If I'm such a cold bastard, why in the Seven Hells do you want me as your, how do humans say, boyfriend?"
Miss Mary Sue blinked in confusion. "Duh. You're hot."
"Oh, for the... Isn't it my evilness that makes you all--"
"Well?" Sue interrupted. "Can you get Kurama out here?"
Hiei frowned. "Yeah, I could. But last time he rescued a girl in canon, we killed the bad guy, this demon, and erased the girl's memory. Since something's up, and we're all in-character, that's probably what he'll do with you."
Mary Sue pouted. "So no hot, passionate and occaisionally painful love to be made between us?"
"I doubt it. What about Yusuke?" Hiei asked. "He's pretty good about that kind of thing. Plus, he'd like the chance to beat up some random guy, instead of a super powerful demon slash psychopath."
"Yuuuusuke? Eeeeeew." The Sue shuddered. "He's not bishounen, and besiiiides, he has Keiko." She said the final word with supreme disgust.
"You know, Keiko's not that bad," Hiei said fairly. "I must respect any woman who can deal with being kidnapped by me and molested by Yusuke every time she turns around." The demon snickered. "Of course, we know who's in charge of that relationship..."
"Yeah, sure, whatever. No Yusuke."
"All right, how about Kuwabara?" Hiei suggested.
"Who?"
"Kuwabara," Hiei repeated.
"Who?"
"Kuwabara," the demon emphasized.
"Who?"
"Kazuma. Kazuma Kuwabara." God, this Sue was a moron.
"Who?"
"Also known as Kazu, Kazuma-san, Kuwabara-kun, Kuwa, and Kuwa-chan?"
"Who?"
"Kazuma Kuwabara, the man?"
"Who?"
"The Warrior of Love? Kuwabara?"
Hiei sighed. "Big, tall guy, curly red hair, madly in love with my sister?"
"OH!" the girl exclaimed. "You mean Kuwabaka."
"What?" Hiei demanded. "Kuwa-what?"
"Kuwabaka," the girl repeated. "Isn't that what you call him when he tries to come onto to all the women he meets?"
Hiei's eyes widened in a 'Oh my God, what did you just say?!' look. "All right, girl. First of all, the only woman he comes onto these days is Yukina, my little sister. Before, he had a little crush on Botan, but he was nowhere near as devoted to her as he is to Yukina. And second of all, no, I do not use such a stupid insult. I call him a few different words that all mean 'stupid' or 'idiot,' but I don't indulge in uncreative nickname-insults that claim to be clever."
"But, but, but! All the fanfics have all of you calling him Kuwabaka! In Japanese!"
"All the fanfics have me madly in love with Kurama and turning into kittens, too, but you don't see me doing that on the show, do you?"
The girl scowled. "So what do you do when he calls you shrimp?"
"Actually, he calls me 'chibi,'" Hiei responded. "People just translate that as shrimp."
"But..." She blinked again. "Chibi is such a cute name..."
Hiei smirked slightly. He had an evil plan forming in his mind... "It is. Kazu-chan is so very clever, isn't he? It sounds like he's insulting me, and really he's just declaring his undying lo--"
"AAAAH!" the Sue screamed. "SHOUNEN AI! SLASH! EVIIIIIL! God will punish me if I hear any MORE!!!!"
The Sue's screams filled air as he Hiei sped off, chuckling to himself.
END!
If you happen to dislike Hiei x Kuwabara, I sort of apologize for not warning you. It just appeared. Mainly because it's the perfect pairing for freaking out Suethors. Which is probably why I'm growing so fond of it...
And if you're curious, yes, Kuwabara calls Hiei 'chibi.' Go play with that.
And also... this is my 80th fic on FF.N! Should I be proud or ashamed of that?