Title: Sunset
Author: Sariyuki
Date: 26 August 2004
Disclaimer: Saiyuki belongs to the great Minekura Kazuya-sama whom I worship on daily basis
Notes: For Olivia, Vez and The 383 Mafia
It was stupid really and Hakkai knew that. This kind of thing would be the doom of their little group. Any imbalance would destroy their comradeship and endangered their mission. Life was complicated enough without him bringing more trouble into it. Life was –
Lonely. Lovely. Jealousy.
He tried to fight the feeling and made it go away. It always came back, as if it wouldn't let go of him. What was it that he was feeling? He didn't want to acknowledge its presence but he couldn't run away anymore. What was the point? He saw the light at the end of the tunnel but it had blinded him.
The sun that shone brightly against the clear blue sky.
Someone else's sun shone on him and he was blinded by the brightness. He hadn't mind the darkness until he had found the light. And now he didn't know what to do.
Even so, there was this nagging feeling at the back of his mind, telling him that if he reached out a bit further, he could touch the shining brightness and make it his own. But how could that be? The sun wasn't his. The sun shone all around him. It was lovely, it was painful.
"The sun..."
"What?"
"What does it feel, Sanzo, to be the sun?"
Sanzo put down his reading glasses. "What are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about."
Sanzo gave Hakkai his full attention. "I know what you meant. I just want to know where this conversation will lead to."
Hakkai returned Sanzo's scrutiny gaze. "I don't know either."
"What exactly are you thinking, Hakkai?"
"Exactly? You. Obviously."
Hakkai said it so calmly, so seriously that Sanzo had to think for a few moments to respond to the answer. There was something strange emanating from the man sitting in front of him. It was subtle but he could feel it, just like when there was a change in the air. He chose his words carefully, all the while eyes fixed on Hakkai.
"I don't know anything about being a sun to anyone. I don't believe in it."
"But Goku does."
"He believes what he wants to believe."
"You are his sun."
"I am no one's."
Hakkai stood up. But Sanzo's eyes were still on him.
"Besides...," Sanzo continued. "The sun shines on everyone not only on one."
"I know that," replied Hakkai softly. His back turned on Sanzo. "Good night, Sanzo."
Sanzo thought, strangely, that night Hakkai's outline looked so lonely.
There were feelings to be shown to the world. There were feelings that had to be hidden like stolen treasure. Then there were mixed feelings and there were a lot of others as well. Hakkai wished he didn't have any of those. He was exhausted from driving all day, for the present he just wanted to rest his head and embrace the dark. How he felt spent, inside and out. He should have given it all up, he knew.
"Hakkai," he heard his name was called.
"I know you can still hear me," he could but he just wanted to drop it all.
"I know why you asked me about being the sun and all that crap the other night," he listened.
Silence.
"I and Goku will always be like this. That's how it should be. Nothing could change that."
He tried not to wince.
"But you and me, we don't need to be always like this."
Silence.
He opened his eyes as his brain registered the sentence he just heard and the meaning it could possibly try to convey. He waited for more but it seemed that it was all that he was going to get. It was impossible to see the other man in this darkness but he turned his body around to face Sanzo.
"Sanzo," he called out softly.
He was right all along. There was light at the end of the tunnel. It was lovely. It wasn't so painful anymore.
"Hn."
"I think you're cute."
"Fuck you."
He laughed.
"Sanzo, come! Let's go there!"
"Get off me, moron!"
Goku didn't let go of his grab of Sanzo's sleeve. "There! So many buns to choose from!"
Sanzo was dragged further into the food stall. "Let go this instance or -"
"Now, now, Sanzo," a cheerful voice came from behind him. "Let him choose what he wants. We don't want him to whine all the way to the next stop, do we?"
It seemed that Hakkai had got the upper hand of the situation as he strolled forward and took the excited Goku to the counter to pay for his shopping.
"You can never say no to him, can you, Our Exalted One?"
"What do you mean, kappa? I've lost count how many times I've said no to that stupid monkey."
"I'm not talking about Goku, priesty."
Hakkai realised Goku needed Sanzo like the earth needed the sun to go on living. When the sun stopped rising in the morning, everything that was on earth would die. Sanzo would always be that sun that shone on Goku's world. Nothing would ever change that because that was how things should be. He, of all people, should know that. He finally did.
The earth owned the sun but the sun chose where it wished to land.
"Sanzo, please wake up."
"It looks like it's going to be another beautiful day, don't you think?"
"I don't know how you can be so damn cheerful in the bloody morning."
"I don't know how you can be so grumpy especially after last night."
"Ch."
"Hm." The sound of Hakkai's smile.
"It has nothing to do with anything."
"Hm."
The sun shone on the surface of the earth, giving it its brightness and warmth all day long without fail. But when it retired at night, no one knew where it went.
Well, almost no one.