I know what they all think of me. I always know. They think, "That Sara Sidle! She's so emotional! She always lets her emotions control her!"

They don't even know the half of it. They don't know what lengths I go to to get inside a victim, to understand what must have been going on in their minds at the time of the attack. They don't know how far I take it. How I become one with the victim and feel everything they feel, at every time they feel it.

I wouldn't know how else to do it. I know Catherine can do it. I know for the most part she can put herself outside the victim and just solve the case like a normal person would. I have great respect for her, I do. But I have no idea how she does it. How can she not feel what's going on? How can she not KNOW what the victim was feeling?

I tried so hard in the beginning to be like her, and never let anyone see me sweat. But after a while.. it just got too hard. I've always let my emotions control me, and it has come close to ruining me so much in the past.

And then.. then there was the thing with Grissom. Again, I tried to hide it for a while, but I never even had a chance. I loved him even before I stepped one foot onto Las Vegas. In San Francisco, he was my mentor. He taught me everything I knew, and I fell for him even then. Hard. And even then, I knew that at least some part of him felt the same way about me. I knew there was something in his brain that wanted him to want me as much as I wanted him, but he didn't rule things with his emotions. Sometimes I even wondered if he had any emotions. When he called me in San Francisco and said they needed help, I couldn't pack my bags fast enough. He wanted me, and I was there.

I had great love for my coworkers. Catherine was awesome. Nicky always came through in a case, and I valued our friendship and the occasional flirtation to let off a little steam from time to time. Warrick and I had a rocky start, but we got over that hump. I came to Las Vegas with such a huge chip on my shoulder, and I wanted to be Grissom's star pupil. Seeing Warrick in such a state of mind, with his gambling and everything, gave me hope that maybe I could win Grissom over if I just worked a little harder than everyone else.

So I did. I bought police scanners and expensive equipment, I spent days at a time at the office, I threw myself into my work. It wasn't all for Grissom, let's get that clear. I did it because that's what I was raised to do. I was raised to do a good job, and damnit, that was what I was going to do. I knew the others couldn't see past that sometimes. They didn't know I had this overwhelming drive inside of me to push it just a little harder, to take it to the next level.

They still don't know the half of it. I have no plans of being a lowly third tier CSI for long. They have no idea what my plans are. They have no idea how far I plan to carry my hopes and dreams. This is just the beginning. The overnighters, the obsessing over victims, the stringent details I put into everything? It's only the beginning, and they have no idea how far I'll go.

I know I probably ruined my cool exterior with the whole Grissom thing. I know in the back of their minds, they're all thinking "She must really be hurt over that Grissom situation. How is she going to handle it?" I know that even though they have serious respect for me, they don't all take me seriously. I know that for sure. So, I have to prove them wrong. I had to step it up, move up the ladder, really show them who's boss. Do they really think that I do all that I do for Grissom's attention? Has it not even occured to them that I do so much extra work because I want to move up someday?

They don't even know the half of it.