I know what they all think of me. I've always known. They think, "That Nicky, he's always trying to get Grissom's attention! That Nicky, always trying to beat everyone else at their own game!"

I mean, man, I try so hard to be the star pupil sometimes and it's like I never come out ahead. Warrick and I started at almost the same time, but he always gets the more important assignments. I just want Grissom's approval so bad, but it seems like there's nothing I can ever do to impress him as much as I want. And well.. I guess over the years I've learned to deal with it and shove the emotions aside, at least when it matters the most.

Nobody knows how I go home after work sometimes and just sit there for hours thinking what I could have done better. Why does he favor Warrick over me? Why didn't he like the way I processed the scene? Why didn't I get those results just a little bit faster? I am always double guessing myself and my decisions. Seldom do I actually feel proud of myself after a job well done.

I know Warrick doesn't have these problems. I know he cruises through the crime scenes like he was born to do it, with a certain grace and style that I know I'll never achieve. I admire him so much for how he's grown over the years, but sometimes I just don't feel like I've grown at all over the years. Sometimes.. sometimes I feel like packing it all up and moving back to Texas. I know Texas. I know the attitudes, and the people, and the way of life. I loved Vegas, but sometimes it just overwhelms me.

I mean.. don't get me wrong. I know it seems like, to the average person, it seems like I know what I'm doing. But after all that has happened in just the last five years, man, I'm really starting to doubt myself.

First there was Kristy. She was so.. different. So beautiful in her own little strange way. I knew we could have possibly shared something important if tragedy didn't strike. Sure, it was probably going to complicate everyone's lives more than I ever thought, but I thought it was worth it. I was in love with Kristy. I still have fantasies of going to that jail and just shooting the asshole that did that to her. She didn't deserve to die that way.

And after being stalked.. seconds away from being murdered in my own house.. you won't know how that feels until you're in the situation. I know it's cliche, but I still have nightmares about it. If it was him, it could have been anyone. And it could happen again.

So, you can't blame me if I'm a little nervous these days. I know they think I'm some kind of rubber band.. bend me and I'll get back in shape right away. I know they think that since I don't show how nervous I am all the time, I'm "over" all the weird things that seem to happen to me. But you know what? I'm not. I'll never be over it. And if it affects me on the job, there's really nothing I could do about it.

Maybe that's what Grissom sees in me. Maybe that's why he's always passing me over for Warrick or Sara. He knows that I don't bounce back from things very quickly. He knows that maybe, just maybe, I CAN'T handle all the pressure.

Maybe I should be grateful.