I know what they all think of me. I've always known. They think, "That Warrick Brown! Nice guy, good at his job, but man, isn't he going to crack at any time?"

But they all have the wrong idea. Even Nicky, and I consider him one of my best friends.

Gambling ruined my life, we all knew that. The second I left Holly Gribbs at the crime scene to go make bets for the judge, I knew I was doing something I'd regret. What was I thinking? Why did I let a moment of weakness turn the whole department, not to mention my life, upside down?

I know the others must think about my actions now and then, but I think about it all time. Every case I'm on, every person I talk to, I feel like I have to avenge the name of Holly Gribbs. She didn't deserve what I did to her. If I could have just stayed there, if I could have protected her from that asshole who came back to his crime scene, everybody's lives would be different.

To think.. MY actions, MY addiction, MY flaw, caused this whole catacylsmic chain of events that changed the lives of too many people. I'm not over it. I never will be. But the memory of what happened keeps me going. I know they think I just somehow got over the whole thing and I've moved on, but they are so very wrong about that. If it hadn't happened, I don't know if I'd want to continue in this line of work. It's too depressing, not to mention the whole issue with authority I have. If that didn't happen to me, I would have ditched this for sports or music or any of the other 200 things I was into before this job came along.

But I can't do that. I'm bound to this line of work. I'm bound to the memory of Holly. I'm bound to help each victim more than I helped her, and it's what drives me, and nobody knows that, and nobody ever will. Sometimes I wish I could tell Nicky about it, but I know he has his own problems. I worry about him sometimes. He always seems to get involved with the weirdest cases. And.. I know he never got over the Kristy thing. He never talked about it once after it happened, but I also know there hasn't been a serious girl since her. It's sad, really. I wish I could help him out more, but he never asked me to. We're good friends, but there's some lines we just don't cross. As for Sara, well, she's good at what she does, but she's a little too intense for me sometimes. I know she doesn't have a lot going on outside of work, and I just don't understand that. You HAVE to have other things to do, or you'll burn out. I think it says a lot about her that she really hasn't burned out yet. But, there's still time.

Not to mention.. well.. I know what they think. I know they think I'm some kind of player, that I'm good with the ladies. I know they all think that when they aren't looking, I'm with a different lady every night. They're wrong, though. Ever since Lillie, there hasn't been a lot going on in that world. I just don't have the guts anymore. There's only one person I want, and that can't ever happen.

I don't know when my fascination with Catherine started. It must have been early on, because she's just an amazing woman to me. Raising her kid on her own while somehow coming to work and putting forth such an effort every single day. Pure respect turned into lust, and lust turned into love somewhere along the way. Seeing her every day is a painful experience because I know if I ever said anything to anyone about it, chaos would ensue. I've seen how badly Sara's situation with Grissom turned out, and I don't want that for myself. I've resigned myself to loving her from afar. Over the years, I've talked myself into believing that it could never happen, and I'm okay with that. I really am.

Maybe I am punishing myself for all that's happened, but don't I deserve that? You have to take responsibility for your actions. It's not all fun and games all the time.

I know what they think of me, but I'm not going to crack. I've worked too hard for that.