I know what they all think of me. I've always known. They all think, "Catherine Willows! She'll do anything for her daugther! She takes the cases personally when they involve someone her daughter's age!"
Damn right I do. And I will continue to do it, because it's all on me. Who else is going to think about the children? Nobody else has kids. Nobody else feels that urge inside them like I do. So, it's all up to me to save the ones who can't save themselves. Lindsay is my life. And I will do anything to protect her and others like her. I'm not saying that the others don't do their best to solve the cases with the children who are directly involved. I know for a fact that they all give their heart and souls on every case. But they don't have that drive within them, that protective instinct.
Sometimes I think even Gil gets the wrong idea about me, and he's known me for practically 20 years. I know they all think that I'm good at my job, but I don't think they know why. I know they all think I'm some kind of showgirl turned CSI and I know that while they probably think that's "cool", they have no idea. I love my job. I think everyone knows that, but I doubt they know why.
This job saved my life. Don't laugh - it did. I was so into the life of drugs and stripping and everything else that was wrong for me until I got pulled out of it. My life was heading down the tubes, fast. If I wasn't a CSI, I'd probably be dead. That's the truth. That's what keeps me going. That's why I love my job. I owe a lot to Gil Grissom, and I know he knows that. We've been working together for so long that we have some kind of silent communication system. He knows I care about him, and he knows I would do anything for him. I owe a lot to that man.
I know that sometimes they think that Gil and I should get together because we're so alike, but what they don't know is that we already tried that. Oh, it was a few years back and pretty much forgotten by both of us. It was just one night, and it was a good night, and I think we needed that one night together. We are both very passionate people and I think curiosity got the best of us, along with several bottles of wine. But that was it. We got it out of our systems and we moved on quickly. He's a good man. I respect him. He might think that nobody gets him, but I do. I know he loved Sara from the very bottom of his heart, but he was scared of her. He was scared of what it meant to have a relationship with someone he really had feelings for. I understand that, and I respected it. He knows what he's doing, and we all know that. He has his bugs, and he has his opera music, and he has the occasional romp with Lady Heather. He has no idea that I know that, but I do. And I'm happy for him. He needs her in his life.
I respect Sara, too, but I really wish she wouldn't have worn her heart on her sleeve for so long. That was a very messy situation, and she's still paying for it. And the most heartbreaking part about it is that she doesn't understand. I know she still thinks it was because he loves his work more than her. I would love to sit her down and tell her what's really going on inside his head, but we don't have that kind of relationship. Sometimes, I wish we did.
I love working with her because we're so completely different, different ideas and backgrounds and reasons for loving our job. I feel that I've learned a lot from Sara, despite our rocky beginnings. I respect Nicky and Warrick, too. They both remind me of me when I was first starting out. They still have fresh perspectives. But they haven't seen everything like I have. I've seen it all. Nothing shocks me anymore, especially since Eddie died.
I loved Eddie. I really did. But I loved being a CSI more, and that used to drive him crazy. What he didn't understand was that being a CSI gives me some kind of purpose in my life. Along with Lindsey, it gives me a reason to wake up. When I was partying all the time with Eddie and only living day to day, that wasn't a life. This is a life. Going to work and coming home to my daughter, while not exactly as exciting as stripping and drugging, is what I life for. Eddie didn't live like that. He lived for nubile young women, money, music, and drugs. And in the end, it was the combination of it all that killed him, almost taking my daughter down with him. I'll never forgive him for putting her in jeopardy like that. Sometimes I feel like I gave Eddie the best of me, but then I go to work and help a victim or two, and that feeling is gone. This is the best of me. This is who I am now.
I know what they all think of me, and you know what? They may be right, but they have no idea why. They have no idea how personally I take it. And they have no idea that I owe this job my life.