Look, I've updated! Aren't I special! Sorry about the delay. I was, occupied. No, what am I saying. I was just too lazy to type up my story. Now, disclaimer. I haven't got a single original character in here. I have created several different worlds. But they're not included.
Hullo all, and by all I mean two. Because two is the basic number I know is following this fic. Only two. Not to say I'm not incredibly happy about just that because it's so much better to have two than zero. Thanks you guys! And also, I'm sorry to have taken so long on this. I just wasn't looking forward to typing it because I hate typing though I do tend to babble on at the start. Plus, I am the WORST procrastinator. And it's summer vacation. My brain doesn't want to work. Well, enough with the excuses. First, a word to my two faithful reviewers.
MaidM: Krepuscular!
LadySmith: What do you mean my insults weren't wacky enough, you drooling two-nosed weasel-fish!? No, but seriously, I know. I cannot measure up to the wonderful standards of the Monty Python Group. I'll try and fix them when I edit the stories later. I do that a lot, you know. I just can't work myself up to post them. Thank you for the complement on Morwen. And I did not spell it wrong, the character is actually called Daine. Numair and Daine are from Tamora Pierce's books, mainly in The Immortals series. Again, I will be counting on you to recognise the characters in this chapter though I doubt you will. Quite strongly, in fact.
I have also decided that due to the incredibly large amount of Tamora Pierce characters, I will be using a certain time frame. It will be three months after the last book of The Immortals series. Sorry. I love Kel as well, but I can't use all of them, and I don't know her and her friends as well anyway.
I also would like to add a few more things I love but will likely not be able to put into the fanfiction. I love, even am obsessed with all of Joss Whedon's stuff, thanks to MaidM, but I don't think I'd be able to pull off a fanfiction including them. Especially since MaidM has practically memorised the episodes. And I know that you, MaidM, suggested I put Angel and Spike in, but I'm afraid I can't manage it. Whoof. That sounded lofty. In other, less self-absorbed words, I stink at writing their characters.
Meh.
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Chapter 3
Cornobble!
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One warning. Most of the story bits in this fanfiction will give away important bits of stories. This chapter especially. This is a REAL chapter for giving away things. More than just bits of storyline. Big, honkin' CHUNKS of storyline are given away here. If you're worried about that, I will include a detailed list of the stories I am currently giving story lines away for at the end of this chapter. Thank you.
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Alanna rode Darkmoon through the Great Southern Desert. She had travelled there partially for a visit with the Bloody Hawk, her Bazhir tribe, but also because George was there on spy work. Darkmoon was acting particularly playful today, and pranced wildly, bouncing her around. Her rear was getting bruised and she was fed up.
"Stop doing that, you silly horse," she hissed through gritted teeth. Darkmoon whinnied joyfully and reared, suddenly and unexpectedly. For the first time in eight years, Alanna was caught off guard. She slid backwards and tumbled, bringing her arms out to stop her fall. The piercing hot sun dimmed and became dim and green. She clambered to her feet and looked around her. She was on a path surrounded by a forest on each side. Another woman with copper hair trimmed to just below her ears stumbled onto the path beside her, clutching a potted plant, of a kind Alanna didn't recognise. She turned to Alanna.
"Did you bring me here?" she said dryly, "Because if you did, I need to get back to my work." Alanna's temper flared.
"No!" she retorted, "Why are you accusing me?" The other woman stood up.
"Because you were the only other person here, I suppose." Alanna stood up and started to walk along the path.
"Are you trying to get anywhere in particular?" asked the woman. Alanna continued walking.
"Well, as it's a path, it should probably lead somewhere, so I'm trying to get to wherever that somewhere is." The other woman shrugged and followed Alanna.
"I don't have a better idea, so..." They walked down the path in silence.
They walked some more. Eventually, they heard shouting up ahead of them. Walking a bit further, they came to a clearing. In the clearing was a strange assortment of five people. One man was standing off to the side, looking worried. He had a pointed beard and mustache and brown hair that extended to below his ears. Another man was right in the middle of the argument, yelling loudly. He was wearing ridiculously large boots and a green hooded cape that billowed whenever he moved. There was a very large man standing behind all of them, grinning. He was at least 7 feet tall and his head was too small for the rest of his body. A young boy who looked about 13 was yelling back at the man in the cape. He had light brown hair and a fringe, which he had pushed out of his eyes in order to glare more effectively at the others. Adding to the noise was a little girl who looked like she was eight. She was screaming at the top of her lungs. The worried man kept trying to calm her down. For a while, he succeeded and Alanna could hear words through the noise.
"I had nothing to do with this!" yelled the elaborately dressed man, "Why are you blaming me? I knew as much about this as you!"
"Had time to put on your adventurer's outfit," remarked the large man. The caped man looked slightly embarrassed.
"All right," he said, "I had a slight foreshadowing. But I didn't have enough time to reverse whatever was bringing us here."
"But you had enough time to change your CLOTHES!?" yelled the boy.
""Well…" The boy sighed in disgust.
"Alright, we've already established that none of us did it," he said.
"Maybe it was someone who was trying to transfer all wizards in our area to this place," said the caped man.
"Then how is Awful here?" said the boy.
"Maybe I'm a wizard," said the little girl—Awful, hopefully.
"No you're not," said the boy.
"I shall scream," said Awful sulkily.
"If you do, I'll turn you into a frog," said the caped man.
"I'd like that," said Awful.
"No you wouldn't, I'd squish you." Awful's face scrunched up.
"I don't like anyone except Hathaway."
"Why Hathaway?" said the caped man.
"Because he doesn't threaten to squish me," said Awful, hugging the worried man. The boy turned back to the caped man.
"Torquil, the fact still remains that you have to change your clothes. You'll attract too much attention."
"And Erskine won't!?" They all turned to look at the tall man behind them. He grinned wider.
"Can't help it," he said.
"He's not Erskine, he's the Gooooon!" Awful shouted. The caped man looked annoyed.
"She's your sister, Venturus, DO something about her."
"And he's not Venturus, he's Hoowward!"
"Quiet Awful!"
"No!"
"I'll tell them what your real name is!"
"I don't care!" Awful began to scream again. All of the others winced and clutched their heads. Alanna also winced, and thought how very accurate the little girl's name was. She couldn't remember any of her children ever being that loud. Well, maybe Alianne. Alanna decided that this would be a good time to intervene. The child's screaming was beginning to get on her nerves. She walked forward into the clearing and stood, her hands on her hips, waiting for someone to notice her. The boy gasped and tried to say something but it was unheard over Awful's din. He scowled and took a deep breath.
"SHUT UP AWFUL!" he bellowed. Awful, in shock, stopped screaming and sat down abruptly. Alanna took the opportunity to speak.
"Hello. I couldn't help but overhear that you're in the same situation as I am and I thought that maybe we…"
"What am I, a weed?" interrupted the other woman, coming up behind Alanna, "I've also been transported here. My name is Rosethorn."
"And mine is Alanna," said Alanna, slightly annoyed by the other woman's attitude. The boy was the first to react.
"My name is Venturus…"
"Howard!" Awful protested.
"…but I do prefer to be called Howard. The one in the ridiculous clothing is Torquil…"
"It's not ridiculous," complained Torquil.
"…and the large one behind me is Erskine."
"Goon!"
"Shut UP Awful!"
"I won't! You're being mean and forgetting Hathaway!"
"Well if you'd just…"
"No!" Awful turned and looked solemnly at Alanna and Rosethorn.
"That man over there is Hathaway and he's the only nice one." Howard sighed in relief, probably because Awful hadn't started screaming again.
"We are wizards from the planet Earth. We're all brothers, except Awful, obviously, who's my foster sister. Now that we all know each other…" He turned to Torquil.
"How about a compromise? If shrink your boots down to normal size, I'll let you keep the cape." Torquil looked sadly at his boots, then with a gesture, shrunk them down to normal size.
"Shall I shrink Erskine down too?" he said bitterly.
"Better not," said Erskine. Torquil stuck out his tongue at Erskine, to the obvious delight of Awful. Then, with a billowing movement, he pulled the hood of his cape onto his head.
"Now, let's keep walking and see if we get somewhere," said Howard.
"Thank you, Howard. I was hoping someone would say that," said Hathaway. He had a strange accent.
"You know as well as I that his name is Venturus," said Torquil patronisingly.
"Really, Torquil, you're as bad as Awful," said Howard, "Let's go." The group of brothers plus foster sister walked off, along with Alanna and Rosethorn.
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Jack Sparrow felt a strong jolt under his feet. He immediately ran to the prow of his ship and looked over the side to check if she had run into something. No, it was fine. But the water seemed to be turning…purple. Jack turned around again and surveyed his surroundings. Not only was the water purple, if water was what it was, the sky was filled with green clouds. In addition, his entire crew seemed to have disappeared.
"I quite like the new colour scheme," he said, striding across the deck.
Suddenly, Commodore Norrington appeared on the deck, staggering slightly. He looked around and spotted Jack.
"You?!"
"Me!" agreed Jack.
"I let you escape last time for the sake of Elizabeth, but my honour will not allow you to get away this time."
"The sake of Elizabeth? And all this time I thought it was because of me," said Jack, fluttering his eyelashes. Norrington gave Jack an annoyed look. He assumed a threatening stance.
"Jack Sparrow, you are under arrest." Jack swaggered.
"Oh good, I'll remember that for later. Now will ye get off my ship?!" Norrington clenched his teeth.
"Very well. You will not listen to simple orders. Therefore, I propose a duel to the death." Jack looked intently at the Commodore.
"You're proposin' a duel."
"Yes."
"To the death."
"Yes."
"Well, I don't accept the proposal. So if ye could just push yourself over the side…
"No," said Commodore Norrington, stoney-faced, "Prepare to duel." He reached into his scabbard and pulled out a very small perch..
"I shall…" he began, looking at his fish and gasping. He quickly composed himself.
"…er, cornobble you."
"Cornobble?"
"It means to hit with a fish." Jack considered this.
"It's a good word," Jack concluded. Norrington looked relieved and tried to cover up his embarrassment quickly.
"Right! So… prepare to duel." Jack checked his belt. There was no scabbard at all, simply a large trout. After a moment of contemplation, he pulled it out and whacked the Commodore with it. Norrington lost his balance and toppled overboard. Jack walked to the edge of his ship and looked over the side. Norrington was treading water and gasping.
"Commodore," said Jack, as he leaned on the railing, "You will always remember this as the day you almost cornobbled Captain Jack Sparrow." As he turned to walk away, the ship gave a particularly violent jolt. He stumbled, tripped, and tumbled over the side.
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Walking through the door, Doc Brown and Marty entered into a large airy room filled with cats. The walls were painted a pale, silvery gray and a cupboard and an iron stove were on the far wall. There was a large table surrounded by chairs in the centre of the room. A banging noise was coming from behind a seemingly useless door, as it was right beside them and wasn't visible on the outside wall. They stood rather uselessly in the doorway as Morwen walked over to her cupboard and rummaged through it. Turning around with a jug and some cups in her hands, she noticed the Doc and Marty.
"Sit down," she said peevishly, "or at least shut the door." They closed the door and sat, as Morwen placed the cups on the table and poured something from the jug into each of them.
"It's cider," she said, noticing them watching her, "I've given up asking if guests want anything else because they never do." She walked over to the useless door and banged on it.
"Are you finished with that yet, Telemain?" she said, "Because I need your help." To the surprise of Doc Brown and Marty, a voice came from behind the door.
"I have, so far, only set up the preliminary enchantments which are extremely delicate, and I've only just started to structure the…"
"I realise that," Morwen interrupted, "What I need to know is; will it hold long enough for you to come through?"
"With constant use the base will disintegrate and…"
"Telemain!"
"Yes," said the voice sulkily.
"Well then come here, I need you."
"I'm very busy right now."
"It's very important."
"So is this." Morwen sighed in exasperation.
"You may make an important magical discovery." There was the sound of a scuffle and the door opened.
"What kind of important magical discovery?" An average sized man stood in the impossible doorway. His open, knee-length black vest was covered in pockets that had various unrecognisable objects draping out of them. He had bright blue eyes, black hair, and a neatly trimmed beard and mustache. As he looked around, his face took on an annoyed look.
"Did you interrupt me from important magical structuring to sip cider with your friends?" Morwen glared at Telemain.
"Would I have mentioned an important magical discovery if there wasn't one? These two say they're on some sort of universe-saving mission and I need your help understanding his jargon."
"I still don't see what this has to do with an important magical discovery." Doc Brown raised his eyebrow.
"You're not saying you believe in magic?" Morwen gave Doc Brown a disgusted look.
"I assure you, magic is real." The Doc shook his head.
"Everything can be explained by science.
"If this was what you needed me for, it was right for you to interrupt me," said Telemain, resulting in much yowling from the cats. He looked at the Doc who stared stubbornly back.
"Very well, this will take some work. I will need the use of my house." Telemain walked back to the impossible door.
"Come here and I'll explain the physics of magic. Morwen, don't interrupt me." The Doc looked at the door sceptically.
"If you really expect me to believe that that door leads somewhere other than your backyard…"
"Try it and see," said Morwen irritably. The Doc stood up, and giving Marty a pitying glance, strode straight through the door.
"GREAT SCOTT!" Morwen closed the door.
"There. If that doesn't persuade him, Telemain will eventually. Would you like some more cider?" Marty looked uncomprehendingly at his nearly empty glass.
"Oh! Yes, please." Morwen poured him some more cider, then sat across from him with her own glass.
"You never told me what your name was." Morwen said suddenly.
"It's Marty."
"Ah. So, Marty, will you explain what your friend…"
"Doc Brown."
"…Doc Brown was trying to say? Or you can just tell me how you got here," she continued, seeing the blank look on Marty's face. Marty decided to make his explanation as simple as possible to a woman who had obviously never heard of electricity.
"Well, it all started when the Doc built…"
"I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THE IMPOSSIBLE!" screamed the Doc from behind the door.
"Pardon?"
"The Doc built a time machine but he needed, um, a certain kind energy to power it which he stole from some people and they came after him and… and… killed him, and tried to kill me and I…"
"Sorry, they killed him?!"
"They killed the future him, that's the past him."
"But how did you meet the past him? Via the time machine?"
"Well, I used the time machine to get away from the people and went back in time by accident. Then I found him so he could help me get home. Because the time machine had run out of power." Marty wondered whether to include the part about his mother falling in love with him, and the fact that he might, at any moment, cease to exist, but decided against it.
"Then the Doc had some sort of premonition and did something to the time machine, and, well, we're here."
"But hadn't the time machine run out of energy?"
"Yeah… I really don't know. The Doc's strange."
"Ah." They sat for a while, sipping their cider, with nothing else to say. Suddenly, the impossible door flew open.
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Yeah! Whoo! I'm finished typing. Now to type up the fourth chapter. /sobs/ Ah well. Anyhoo, I used the description of Telemain's 'open knee-length black vest' in there because Patricia C. Wrede seems to like it so much. Whenever a new character meets him, it's described in exactly the same way. So I felt obliged to do the same. Now, for the list of books, movies and television shows that I have given away plottage away for so far. At least, I think I've given away plottage for them. It's so hard to remember. Also, so you can read them yourself. Hooray!
Back to the Future, movie
The Enchanted Forest Quartet, book, by Patricia C. Wrede
Chrestomanci series, book, by Diana Wynne Jones
Howl's Moving Castle, book, by Diana Wynne Jones
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, book, by C. S. Lewis
The Lioness Quartet, book, by Tamora Pierce
The Immortals Quartet, book, by Tamora Pierce
Monty Python's Flying Circus, TV show
Monty Python and The Quest For the Holy Grail, movie
Jeeves Series, book, by PG Wodehouse
A Wrinkle in Time, book, by Madeleine L'Engle
Circle of Magic Quartet, book, by Tamora Pierce
Archer's Goon, book, by Diana Wynne Jones
Pirates of the Caribbean, movie
There you have it. So tune in 'til next time when I might even update in a month! Yeah! See ya!