Disclaimer: I don't own any characters from The Simpsons. I don't own God. I don't own Zeus. I don't own Alanis Morisette. I don't own Ticket Master. And I don't own that whole 'God's hand appearing in a cloud' thing.

Summary: Basically, this is the pilot…chapter. I wrote this a few months ago for my friends to read between classes. To see the real summary, you just have to read on….

"You have reached the Ticket Master hotline. Please enter the three digit code of the event you wish to purchase tickets for."

'Uggg…Automated voices are always eering me out….' Homer thought as he glanced at the newspaper. He was trying to order tickets to the Alanis Morisette concert for Lisa. He didn't really know who she was, just that she was some hippy from Canada.

Lisa's birthday was coming up, and according to Marge, Lisa was 'dropping little hints here and there'. Homer thought her hints should have been a little bigger. Marge said that was because men (she probably meant 'Homer') don't get subtle stuff.

Homer punched in the number, but nothing happened. 'Why is this taking so long' His brain whined.

"Shut up brain," Homer muttered. He rested his head on the arm of the chair, and slung his feet onto the cushions. All the waiting sure was tiring. His eyes were just closing when-

"You have selected the Alanis Morisette concert. There are zero tickets remaining for this event. If you wish to purchase on or more of these tickets, please enter your credit card det-"

Homer hung up. This wasn't fair. Why was it that only a 'chosen few' got everything? Homer sat on the couch for a while, feeling sorry for himself and Lisa. This was the only thing she wanted that wasn't a pony.

"Wait a minute!" Homer cried aloud. "I know someone who has everything and who can't refuse me!" He jumped up from his chair, and ran next-door.

He bashed on Flanders' door. "Flanders," He called. "I have a question about God." When no-one answered, Homer raised his voice a little further. "You know, your Messiah. Your mother-ship pilot. Your temple owner. Your-"

Ned opened the door. "Sorry about that Homer. I was just-"

"No time," Homer muttered. "idea forming,"

"So, you wanted to ask me something. About….God?" Ned looked a little worried.

"Yeah, uh…..he has everything, right?"

"Well, in a spiritual sense mayb-"

"I mean everything."

"Well Homer, I suppose he does, but only in a-"

"Okay. Thanks!" Homer ran from Ned's door, leaving him slightly bewildered. What sort of weird plan did he have now?

Homer knelt by the couch. "Dear Lord. I'm not a holy man. I'm not a particularly handy man-I am working on that though. But I know one thing; I am a holy man."

Suddenly, a cloud appeared in the living room, and a giant hand came out of it. "Get on with it!" A voice shouted. "My son is graduating in a few minutes and if I'm not there this time-"

"I'm sorry Lord! I'll be quick."

"You'd better," The voice threatened. The fist clenched, and was shook at Homer. "'Cause if you're not…."

Homer stood up. "You see, it's my daughter's birthday this week, and she really wants to go to this concert, but it's all sold out. And I thought, maybe you could, like, distract the guards while I sneak my daughter in or something."

"Which concert is it?" God's tone lightened.

"Alanis Morisette….."

"I see. Well, I'm sorry about that Homer, but I'm taking my daughter to see that concert. I'd sneak you in, but we have front row seats, and, well, you know." The hand raised up, the palm facing outwards, then came back down again.

Homer's jaw fell open. "You have a daughter?"

"Well, a few hundred years after the whole fame thing kicked in, I thought it was time to settle down. I never really loved Mary you know. She was just a really good friend. Besides, Joseph was always there, and he didn't really like me. He was also kinda good with a hammer….. So I married Mary's cousin. She was only married for money in the first place, and she photographed well. So much better than all my other girlfriends…."

"So that explains the graduation…" Homer sat on the floor.

"Yeah, when you live forever you can pretty much have a ton of kids at any time. No time is convenient, but then every time is…." Homer had now learned two new things about God; He said 'you know' a lot, and once he got going….(he also noticed the over-use of '……' in this story).

"Yeah, that's a nice story an' all, but what do I do?"

"Hmmmm……."God sighed. "Yeah, that is a tough one…"

"Can't I just, like, have your tickets? I mean, you're God! Millions of people look up to you. You're like Bono….They'd let you in for free, right?"

"Homer, that'd be wrong." God tut-tuted.

"You made the rules. Change them!"

"No!" God boomed.

"Yeah!" Homer forgot about the whole 'fear God' thing.

"No!"

"Yeah!"

"Homer, if you don't be quiet, I'll make it that you only live three months instead of six!" God shouted, his cloud turning black.

Homer stopped talking, and froze.

"Knew it'd work," God muttered.

"I'm only gonna live for six more months? But why? I eat right, I exercise, I do everything that the bible tells me-" Homer remembers when he was drunk, and there was a big chocolate cake on the table, and he could hear the bible saying 'eat the cake eat the cake eat the cake' "-and I eat right!"

"You're very repetitive."

"Thank you. Anyway, my point is why am I going to die so young? I have a family, which everyone knows that I'm the backbone of. They'd fall apart without me,"

"Homer, this isn't my fault. Cut me some slack. This is Zeus's doing." God whined.

"What does he have to do with me?" Homer folded his arms.

"I don't know the whole story, but the word on the street is that you made him MAD. He wants to talk to you….but his waiting room is full, and you'd have to stay in his garden. He really doesn't want that…" God laughed.

"Well, yeah, that's understandable….but why does he have to kill me to see me? Can't he just do what you're doing right now?"

"I'm doing something?" God sounded worried.

"The whole 'cloud and giant hand' thing."

"Oh, yeah. Zeus doesn't do that whole scene. He's more into only sending his voice, cause he can make it really terrifying. But he wouldn't send his hand because…"God chuckled. "Now, Homer, you're not to tell anyone I told you this, but he has really small hands."

Homer fell on the floor with laughter, clutching his sides. "That's…..that's priceless!" He said between laughs.

"Oh, shoot," God's hand disappeared so he could rub the back of his neck. "Now I really have to go. I'm late again!" The cloud slowly grew smaller and smaller. "See you in six months." God called. "Or maybe twelve. It depends how long Zeus keeps you for, and if you were a good student in Sunday school."