Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter: Sirius would be alive. James would have never met Lily but would be a hot bachelor living in my condo. Voldy would be continuously occupied by whores to keep him from taking over the world, but since I don't, I only have my pen that can make Voldy do the full Monty. Sigh, Oh yeah I don't own "Avalanche" by the Butthole Surfers either. I did add a few changes to the lyrics though
(A/N): Hey guys, S.S. Harry here! Are you ready for chappie two? loud crowd cheers Okay then, chapter two of Ad Vivere ad Battuere Tibi!
Just a thanks to :
Serendipity
Amethyst
Chapter 2: The Hot Trail to Hogwarts
On the night of October 31rst, 1987, James Oliver Thomas Potter had declared himself single and free. When he awoke from the sting that his shield with held during the advada kedavra he looked at the pile of rubble that used to be his home. He threw his ring next to the woman he thought he had love for five years, tears streaming down his face. He then walked out for what he thought will be the longest adventure of his life.
8/17/04- heart of the Forbidden Forest
James Potter was walking through the hot summer forest. He was trying to assure himself that being in this heat could be much worse, it could be raining, and he could be naked or Severus Snape could be there naked or they could both be naked (A/N: I feel cold, no wonder Snape's so mad all the time! In the words of Pistachio Disguisie master of disguise 'yous has a little wiener and some tiny nuts ho yeah')! And a giant could be chasing him with a magnifying glass aimed at the sun, but then again, fat chance in the middle of a crowded forest in the summer! James other selves were trying to comfort him also .
James like everyone else had two sides, good, and bad, every wizard has one that mutters in their ears, but James' were loud! And they showed themselves to him! Their was Pleasant James, a. k. a., PJ. Pleasant James was a Quidditch loving food loving pure hearted guy who loved nothing more than to convince James to play a little love song on his Carvin electric guitar. He for many years has worn his lucky Gryfyndor Quidditch team robes and has the most cutest lopsided grin. Then of course their was bad James a. k. a., BJ. He was a gambler, drinker, metal rock loving guy who likes nothing more than to check out girls and mutter in James ears, he was the master behind the pranks, and love to stay around James instead of the Conscience Hall, because he says all they have is red wine, and being British, he would much prefer sherry and heated Brandy. This James for some reason, however wears a light blue Italian suit with a hat that has a red band. He has red cuffs and a red tie, he also has the sexiest seductive grin that is presented by James. He was James' stronger side much to PJ's distaste.
PJ: The sun's really okay really, we don't mind, it's better than rain, imagine if we were playing Quidditch, all those Ravenclaw nerds would be like sitting ducks with those glasses.
BJ: I'm sure it would be better to rain than turn into a Potter Pie.
PJ: But heat would be better than turning into a Jamessicle,
BJ: Potter Pie
PJ: A Potter Pie can be cooled down.
BJ: A Jamessicle can be thawed out.
PJ: if you do that you may melt his whole arm off!
James started whistling trying to get their voices out of his head. He could hear them too well. James began to think of his life and began singing.
'Moony get really gloomy when the moony get real full
They were discussing Mooney's outlook on the topic of ma Cherie
Sirius has internal scars
And Snivelly is a rapist
The were all in love with dieing they were doing it in Paris
Padfoot played piano like a cat out in the rain
He lost his mind in Italy started dancing with a train
They were all in love with dieing,
they were drinking from a fountain
that was pouring like an avalanche coming down the mountain.'
He paused. They were still bickering so he started the next verses.
' I don't mind the sun sometimes the images it shows
I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary and softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look through other people's eyes'
PJ: You know that's annoying don't you James?
BJ: for once I agree with him over there.
"Look guys no more bickering, it's getting late and I'm about to set up camp okay?" James said.
PJ: Nighty, Night James, don't let the bed bugs of the forest bite.
BJ: grumble, grumble Night Jamesy
Dream sequence
James was walking through the forest still on his travels. He'd been traveling about 16 years now going slowly and backtracking as he did. He seemed to have lost all hope of ever finding Hogwarts. He was scratched wounded and very tired. He finally gave up and collapsed, right in the corner of a clearing in which little red heads were sitting in a circle with a much older and prettier one.
"Aunt Ginny! Aunt Ginny! Play it again!" screamed on of the little Weasleys with glee. "Yeah play it again,' chanted the other bouncing red heads. "Okay,' she said with a big plastic smile. 'I said I wanted a nice family trip, not to seek refuge in the Forbidden Forest and ending up with these demons following me! I swear if Charlie has kids like the other 5 then I'll personally neuter him. And then the rest of them…' Ginny though evilly as she stared at all 20 nieces and nephews. Each boy had four kids, they were:
Bill: Anna, Don, Vincent, Troy
Ron: Molly, Carl, Harry, Arthur
Fred: Georgina, George, Christopher, Charlie
George: Fran, Fred, Alan, Mark (a. k. a. Marky- Mark)
Percy: Penny, Michael, Bart (Ginny knew, he would name his son after Crouch, he luuuvs him), Kyle
Ginny loves them all but she cannot stand them. They make her want to rip out her hair, and then go and rip out their parents hair. She truly could not stand them! At that moment Fran, Fred, Georgina, and George let off one of the Weasley Wildfire Bangs. It scorched a rip through Ginny's clothes causing a large rip in her robes exposing ahem I'm keeping it PG13, no not like on Scary Movie shudder a lilac bra. "That's IT! C'MON WE'RE OUTTA HERE!" Ginny snarled. The kids got in a line to leave. "Hey Aunt Ginny, there's a guy asleep in the bushes!" Penny exclaimed. "Stay here," Ginny ordered. It was in fact a man. He had unruly black hair and quite a few scratches, some which were bleeding. "Loco motor mortis" Ginny pointed her wand at the man stiffly.
"Professor, withal do respect sir, what exactly are in those gumdrops? What you are saying is truly insane," Ginny said. Dumbledore just said that the man was James Potter. Severus Snape nodded. Sirius and Remus however, looked like kids in a candy store. "We will have to see then," Dumbledore said. Ginny was raging and storming. Not only was she in an important farfetched meeting, but she was in it with a huge rip in her robe that Sirius for the whole time has been taking liberty of peeking through. He was also looking around in hopes of another firecracker to get rid of the rest of the shirt. Remus however was not a forward and didn't have death wish like Sirius and just whistled a small tune taking little peeks. For the fifteenth time Sirius fell on a strategically place shoe and fell forward on her chest saying "oops sorry."
"Sirius Black I'm going to hex your eyes far up your ass if you don't stop it!" "Oops sorry" "Argh that's it! Bat mucuso!" Sirius ran out of the room with bat bogeys attacking his face. Remus then nodded at Sirius and repaired Ginny's shirt.
James eyes fluttered open slowly, he felt slightly weary, but good all the same. "Hello Mr. Potter," said a soft voice kindly. James head moved and he saw Professor Dumbledore. "Hello Professor, living well I see," James said. "I would like to offer you the defense against dark arts position this year.," Dumbledore said. James thought about it and made a small grin. "I'd love to," James said. "Well I must leave, you may dress and then meet your friends in the Gryfyndor Common Room, Good day Mr. Potter." With that Dumbledore left, his cloak billowing behind him.
James put on a black turtle neck and a pair of brown denim pants. He wore black boots and his necklace bore a small fire orange gem encrusted pixy with a dagger in it's hand. He walked to the Fat lady portrait. It let out a high pitch screech of surprise before letting James in.
Sirius and Remus were playing a rather violent game of wizards chess and there was a red head curled up on the sofa reading a book entitled ' The many curses of seduction: How to get a man right where you want him' she snorted and tossed the book to the side. Prob Ginny Bear?" Sirius asked in what he thought was a motherly voice. "This stuff is rubbish! There's a spell in here that's supposed to pull whom you'd think is the most attractive person in the room next to you! Hah! Like that'll happen. That's how my grand mum married a Weasley," Ginny said rolling her eyes. "Well, try it out then, although we know I'm going to be pulled. After all, I am the sexiest man to ever come to Hogwarts," Sirius said. Remus rolled his eyes. "More like the most egotistic man to come to Hogwarts, " Ginny said.
Sirius was still watching her waiting for the her to cast the spell. "Oh all right I'll cast your bloody spell. Attractomuindo" Ginny said lazily. "See it doesn't wor-" at that moment James Potter was pulled to her side. She jumped out of the chair in fright. "Holy bloody fucking shit! James!" Yelled Sirius. He pulled James into a bear hug. "How've you been Padfoot old boy?" James said struggling to breathe. "Sirius careful, or you just may commit murder," Remus said teasingly. Sirius let go of James and he was then stuck in a hug with Remus. "Hey you wanted him for yourself!" Sirius said. They then did a huge group hug. Ginny was watching the scene in amusement. She watched as Sirius ruffled his friends already untidy hair which look rather hot and rebellious. She admired his hazel eyes full of mischief and his slightly muscular body. 'Pull it together!' Ginny scolded inwardly.
"Are you boys done feeling up on each other? Or did I trip into a gays-only Tom Hanks movie?" Ginny said. They parted and fell onto the sofa as if it were something they do regularly. "Well I'm sorry, you can join us if you want er- who are you? " "Prongs, this is Virginia Weasley," Remus said. "Be careful, she may be cute but she throws the strongest bat bogey hex I've ever seen!" Sirius warned. "You should know Sirius. 'oops sorry' only works 4 times when your tripping over the same damn shoe," Remus said his eyes full of mirth.
"Nice to meet you Mr. Potter," Ginny said holding out her hand. He held it, but instead of shaking it he kissed it. "The pleasures all mine Virginia, please call me James," He said flashing her a grin. Ginny wanted to melt through the floor, there had been a jolt of electricity running through her hand when he kissed it and she didn't know why but she liked it. Sirius passed James and Ginny a few glasses of sherry.
"Ginny is a very excellent student and I believe you will just love her! I've been teaching her for a few good years now and she is the most hard driven student I've ever met, even compared to Hermione Granger" Remus said. Ginny blushed and James choked on his sherry. "St- student? She doesn't look like a student she's too-" "Matured? Womanish? I know Prongs, believe it or not she's 16 trust me, if she were older I'd have ravished her years ago," Sirius said grinning. "OH now Lady Virginia must interrupt and note that would be more like sexual harassment," Ginny said. "Mr. Padfoot must note that Lady Virginia has made many sexual harassment offenses on a Mister Harry Potter, especially when intoxicated." "Mr. Moony must point out that she was intoxicated by Mr. Padfoot's 'secret ingredients' he mixes in his cake batter that he grows in that orange pot in his quarters." "Mr. Prongs is wondering if he has any left or is he selling it to unsuspecting students?" "Mr. Padfoot would like everyone to get off his back and will proudly say that he and Dumbledore used it all." "Lady Virginia must say that she is surprised at the fact that the Slytherins were right about Dumbledore being a pot head."
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