Laurel: So.. How have you been enjoying my story? Fun stuff, eh?
Hen-Neko: (glares) This is stupid. A sandwich trying to-
Laurel: Don't give it away!! (to readers) Heh… half-cat, half-human peoples like Neko can be a little crazy. He doesn't know what he's thinking, let alone saying…
Hen-Neko: I know EXACTLY what I- (is glomped) MMMFF!
Laurel: heh heh… let's get going!
Disclaimer: I do NOT own… Star Trek, anomalies, cheese sandwich, the ocean, blowing things up
Claimer: I DO own… the claimer (SQUEE!), the anomalous cheese sandwich anomaly, Hen-Neko.
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Chapter Two - Do Not Anger The Cheese Sandwich
(back on the bridge, everything is back to the normal, the lights are still flashing to signal a "red alert" but the crew is no longer leaping about in a comical fashion. The huge yellow anomaly is still pulling them in.)
Data: The anomaly is pulling us in sir!
Riker: You said that already!
Data: I am merely clarifying the current plot for the readers.
Riker: Oh, of course…
Picard: How much longer until the anomaly pulls us in!?
Data: Approximately-
(Data is interrupted when suddenly the anomalous anomaly expands and engulfs the ship. They are now 'falling' into a worm-hole of some kind… for some reason)
Data: Now sir...
Picard: WHEEEEEEEE!!!
Troi: Urge to kill… RISING!!!! RISING!!! RIS- (is cut off by Crusher's act of knocking her out)
Crusher: Ah… that's better.
Worf: It is a good day to die and perha-
Riker: Shut up!
Worf: (grumbles inaudibly)
(suddenly the worm-hole ends and they find themselves in a big black expanse… oh wait… that's just space… heh)
Picard: Oh… (looks disappointed) Where are we?
Data: I believe it is more a matter of when…
Picard: (sighs) ok… WHEN are we? (shakes his head)
Data: It is the year 2004, sir. July 12th to be exact.
Riker: (gasps) Wait a second… so?
Picard: the cheese sandwich has done this! (flings himself from his chair) NOOOOOOOO!
(everyone looks at Picard, who suddenly feels awkward and stands up)
Picard: So, now what?
Worf: We should blow something up! (yells from the back)
Everyone: SHUT UP!
Worf: (grumbles inaudibly again)
Picard: Wait! I have an idea! I know why we're here!
Riker: Oooooo! Tell us!!! Tell us!!!
Picard: wait… I must add suspense… (raises an eyebrow as the camera moves closer) The cheese sandwich has come to… blow up the ocean. (dramatic music plays) Mr. Data… set in a course for… EARTH!
Data: Course laid in sir… but… how do you know? It is highly unlikely that a cheese sandwich would want to blow up the ocean, neither is blowing up the ocean possi-
Picard: Engage!
Data: (exasperated sigh)
Worf: YAY! We get to- (pauses) I mean… it is a good day to-
Everyone: SHUT UP!
(time passes within an instant as the show returns from a commercial. They are now orbiting Earth)
Data: I am picking up some anomalous readings from-
Picard: Anomalous you say? Now that's new… what kind?
Data: It appears to be a ship.
Picard: Then hail them! Do whatever you do to get the talky-thing to work! (sits in his chair)
Data: Done sir.
Picard: This is the U.S.S. Enterprise. We ha-
Janeway: Oh my GOD! PEOPLE!!!! (Janeway is shown on the screen, looking frantic)
Picard: Hiya, so whatcha doin'?
Janeway: This isn't the real Earth! CHEESE! SO MUCH! AHHH! It's coming!!! AHHHHHHHHHH- (the screen blinks out and there is a lot of static-screaming until finally that is gone)
Crusher: Oh my…
Picard: Well… that's not good is it?
Riker: What should we do…?
Worf: Maybe the "cheese" will kill us to, we should blow it u-
Picard: (glares at Worf)
Worf: (grumbles inaudibly… again)
Troi: ANGER! RISING GRARG! (wakes up and kills another anonymous extra with a spork)
Crusher: (sighs and knocks out Troi again)
(suddenly the screen changes again to show a cheese sandwich sitting on a plate)
Cheese Sandwich: (with a British accent) Why hello there! What would you be doing?
Picard: It's YOU! (looks surprised)
Riker: NOOOO! (falls to his knees, yanking at his hair)
Cheese Sandwich: Yes… it is I! CHEESE SANDWICH! (evil laughter)
Picard: Why have you brought us here, Cheese Sandwich!?
Cheese Sandwich: I am sending you on a quest… you are going to… um… um… uh…?
Picard: …yes?
Cheese Sandwich: um… (looks around) Wait! I know!! I will send you to THE PAST! (to itself) Yes… YEEEES! That's the ticket…
Picard: What? Why?
Cheese Sandwich: DO NOT QUESTION THE ALMIGHTY CHEESE SANDWICH! (lightning flashes)
Troi: RISING! (is knocked out)
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Well, that was pointless… I hope you liked it. Will Troi ever get to be normal again? Will Picard ever eat a cheese sandwich again? Will laurel do something USEFUL!? Find out next time in… The Anomalous Cheese Sandwich Anomaly!