I don't own Harry Potter.
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Chapter 4
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I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt –Johnny Cash
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And he was back again, where it was safe and warm and familiar.
"So, what do you think of Tonks?" asked Sirius from across the worn kitchen table as he noisily sipped his tea.
He looked up at him, surprised. "She's a lovely young lady," he responded, looking down at his own teacup.
Sirius snorted. "Gee Remus, 'lovely young lady'? When'd you turn 60?"
"Ten years ago, huge party and everything," he said caustically, looking up at Sirius with a half-smile as he took a sip of his tea.
Sirius ignored him. "Well, she's nice, right?"
He tried not to roll his eyes, and answered as indifferently as he could, "Of course she's nice. She's a lovely young lady."
They didn't talk for a while, drinking their tea in companionable silence. When Sirius did speak again, it was sudden and startled Remus.
"And she's pretty?"
He looked up and blinked. "Who?"
Sirius grinned. "The 'lovely young lady'."
Remus, who'd been drinking his tea unsuspectingly, started to sputter and cough. "No! I mean, yes. But I don't look at that! Oh, shut up," he winced at the snickering Sirius.
Sirius' laughter died down, and again, they were quiet, the only sounds in the hushed kitchen the slipping of tea, the clinking of cups and the pitter-patter of rain outside.
Abruptly, Sirius spoke again. "If you hurt her, I'll kill you."
"What?" he said, surprised at his old friend's remark, at his serious eyes and steady hands, wanting to explain to him that he would never, ever do anything to hurt her.
"I said, I hate you," whispered a sobbing Tonks, curled defensively on his cold floor.
For a moment, he didn't know where he was, looking around his dark bedroom for the kitchen table, for the chipped teacups and for Sirius.
He turned back to see only her, only pain. "Tonks," he whispered weakly, looking horrified at seeing Tonks in her vulnerable state. "Tonks… Tonks, please, don't…" He looked at her helplessly, as she struggled to get up and leave the room, that room tainted with bitterness and regret.
But before she could, his arms enveloped her trembling body tightly as if he would never let go and his kisses scattered her wet face as if he would never see another day.
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She was surprised, to say the least.
At how tightly he held on, how frantic his kisses were, how he felt like home.
And it felt so good, so nice, to feel him all around her, to feel his kisses on her eyelids and her nose and her cheeks and to hear him murmuring in her hair "Please stop, please stop, please stop" that it took her long, too long to think no, no you stop.
"No," she mumbled, her voice thick with her fallen tears. She started to push against his chest, trying to get herself out of his grasp, but he only clung to her more tightly.
"Remus…" she said more loudly, boldly, "Remus… let go of me. Let go!" And he, who had held on to her with such need that it broke her heart, looked at her now, really looked with sorrow in his eyes, and let go.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, looking at anything but her. "I didn't mean… to. To do that. Sorry." He turned away and ran his hand through his graying hair.
She didn't know what to do. She just wanted him to hold her again. She tried to explain.
"You don't get to do that," she said quietly, looking down. "You don't get to say the things you said to me, and then try to kiss it all away. You… you really hurt me."
He turned around, and when he looked up and she saw his eyes, she couldn't breathe.
He nodded mindlessly, as if he wasn't really there anymore. "I never meant," he said in a hollow voice, "to hurt you."
She tried not to look at his empty eyes, and nodded back. "I know."
Then, his gray eyes changed again, now stormy and full of sadness and he whispered to her, "I don't know what to do."
She reached out and touched his hand. "Me neither."
They stood for a while, just like that, two little boats who finally saw the harbor through the storm.
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I am sorry beyond sorry that this chapter took so long. I was a little stuck on what I wanted to happen next. Thank you to everyone for your patience and continued positive feedback, and a special thanks to a lovely lady who emailed me to persuade me to get a move on this chapter. The next one, I promise will have less corny angst.
Feedback would be lovely beyond lovely and may encourage a more quickly delivered next chapter :)