Chapter 5

Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?
I haven't felt like this in so many moons
You know what I mean? –Gavin DeGraw
They sat very closely, very quietly, their backs against the bed and their knees against each other's. Her fingers were threaded into his, and it lay between their tired bodies without question, without comment. Neither wanted to say what both were thinking: how right they felt right now. How it felt that there had never been anything before, and nothing will ever come after, that this was true. That this was only .

A silent seat had been offered, and she had taken it. A hand had reached out for his, and he eased it into his own. Sometime between then and now, something had changed between them. It was something they couldn't put into words, so they didn't try.

And so, they were more than content to simply sit, in these last hours of darkness, enjoying the light touch of each other.

Until, as it was bound to eventually, she interrupted the languid, hushed mood with a soft laugh.

He turned to find her grinning broadly, her eyes closed. He smiled lightly to himself and boldly put his chin on her shoulder. There was something bold about it all, this night, this room, having this hand in his. "What are you smiling about?" he asked quietly.

She opened her eyes, and spun her head around, the tip of her nose brushing his. He leaned back a little, slipping his chin off her shoulder, surprised. She was so close, he thought.

If she noticed his reaction, she didn't show it. "I was thinking," she started to say, pausing. Thinking about what she was thinking. "I was thinking... what Sirius would say if he saw us right now."

She liked the idea, rolling it around in her head, on the tip of her tongue. "He would go berserks," she decided with confidence. "He would think I was hogging you, trying to keep you all to myself." She half-chuckled. "Always so protective and stingy with his friends. He was always so scared of losing you, you know?" Her eyes shone; she could see him now, right there, right in front of her. "He'd be livid too. The clumsy oaf of a girl snuggles up with his best mate, while he can't get a girl to glance at him properly while cooped up in this hole."

She looked over to him, as if to ask Don't you think so? to find him looking down at his lap. She furrowed her eyebrows, worried she had done something wrong. She always did something wrong.

"What is it?" she asked softly.

He did not reply for a while, continuing to look down with a determination, a fierceness.

Finally, he said, slowly, "He would hate me, Tonks."

She blinked, not understanding. She tipped her head closer to him, as if the problem lied in the acoustics. "What?"

He took a deep breath, and turned to look at her. He looked so miserable, she could've cried.

"Sirius would hate me. He would hurt me for how I hurt you. Tonks..." He turned away from her again. "... the things I said, the way I touched you. I can 't... I shouldn't..." And as if all the horrible things just grew and grew in his head, he continued incoherently, "I'm too old... a werewolf... I'm dirt, I'm nothing..." His voice grew smaller, and smaller, until there was nothing left, and the only thing he had left to take away was his hand from hers.

For a moment, she was stunned. So stunned, that she almost responded too late. As his fingers withdrew from hers, she decided to fight for this. She decided enough has been lost than for this, this thing they had to have to go too. As he began to get up and leave, she grabbed for his hand with both of hers in a panic. She held onto it, tightly, desperately.

"Remus, please. Please don't go, I don't want you to go." She felt a dread, a heaviness that pushed against her eyes and throat. Please, please, please, she thought. Please listen.

But he stood up anyway, trying to shake her hands loose of his. "Tonks," he said desolately, painfully, "We can't. I can't—I can't forgive myself for what I did... who I am. I..." He struggled to find the words. "I'm not... good enough for you."

She stumbled as she held on to the bed for leverage, and rose to her feet. He had quite a bit of height over her, but she looked him in the eyes just the same. She let go of his hand now, and it fell to his side.

"Well," she said, with a hard voice and hard eyes, "I guess you know what's best for me, then." Her look was unreadable. "I guess I'm just... too stupid, and too young to know when a good thing comes to me. Or maybe," there was a spark of boldness in her eyes, "Maybe, just maybe, you can let me decide for myself how I feel, and who I like and who's I good enough for me." Her voice softened slightly at the next part. "'Cause, Remus, I'm looking at you right now, and you look perfect."

An awkward silence passed. He was staring at her intently, as if trying to figure her out, as if she were a mystery, an eternal puzzle. She turned away from his gaze, suddenly gaining a profound interest in the scuffs of his robe.

"Tonks," he finally said, deciding not to acknowledge the latter part of her comment for now, "You know that's not what I meant. It's just that... there are so many reasons not to. You can't just ignore that. I'm older than you... as in, practically a generation older than you. And being a werewolf... you have to realize how difficult it'd be. Plus, the Order and... everything. It wouldn't be the time for this anyway, with the War. We just can't." He thought this sounded good, sounded strong. How could she deny what he said? Surely, she would be rational.

The darkness that veiled the sky before had begun to lift, and, as the black softened into a milky blue, he could see, for the first time that night, every little detail of her. She looked ethereal in the pale light, like she was a trick of his old eyes. But as he looked at her, strangely too, he was aware, he felt a kind of peace and rightness settle about him, like this should be the way he started every day; looking at her.

He looked away then. Giving her up would be difficult, he decided, but it would be okay after a while. It was how it had to be, and he was used to how it had to be by now. Though he thought, he wished, just this once, it didn't have to be how it had to be. He wished that just this once, he didn't have to lose again.

Well, he thought, as he looked down, do what you have to do, Tonks. You'll leave, and everything will be as it was. Just do it fast, just—

"What are you, daft or something?" She gave him a look of deep annoyance. "Okay," she said, as if talking to a child, "Just shut up for a minute. Shut your brain off for just one moment... that is, if you are capable of that." She gave him a teasing smirk. He was speechless.

Her smirk faded away, and she looked serious again. She reached out and took both his hands in hers.

Quietly, looking in his eyes, she asked, "Do you like me?"

He looked in her eyes, and couldn't lie. He nodded. "Yes," he whispered.

"Okay," she said, smiling, "Don't you dare tell anyone I said what I'm about to say." She took a deep breath, as if to prepare herself. "I like that you're... old, and scruffy, and... occasionally get 'wolfish'," she gave him a cheeky grin. "The point is though, I like you. When I look at you, and you're looking at me, I feel... I don't know, good, you know, like everything's going to be okay. I don't want that to go away. I don't want to lose you before we ever even gave it a shot. I know your brain is probably working on overdrive right now listing all the 'why not' reasons. But you gotta just ignore that and... listen to your heart. We can't know if it's gonna be good unless we try... as unromantic as that sounds. I don't want to hurt you. I just want a chance. Take a chance on me, Remus." She wrinkled her nose in distaste, "Think I'm ready to puke now, I sounded like a candy heart. If you don't sweep me into your arms after this, I seriously—"

Luckily, he did sweep her up in his arms, kissing her fervently, leaving her speechless.

"Wow," she gasped, as she tried to catch her breath. "That was... well worth a night of emotional drama and traumatic sentimental mush."

"Why, thank you," he smiled, "I do what I can."

They were flopped out on top of his bed, hands entwined and her head on his stomach. Their hair and clothing had become rumpled and disheveled (though still intact, she said, because mind you, she was not that kind of girl on the first "date") from the course of events, but they were fairly content despite it all.

She started to hum listlessly, as he lay quietly with a goofy grin. He was emotionally exhausted, but he felt at peace looking at the girl lying on him. As he gazed at her in the soft light, he felt as if a weight was lifted from him, an emptiness he didn't know he possessed begin to fill. This weight, this hole (for it always felt like both) has been blamed on Sirius' death, had even been welcomed because of it. He completely immersed himself in this dulling heaviness, dug himself further into this hole. After all, it was better than pain, right? Better than really feeling. For a time, he stayed this way, and despite the bleak and hopeless future it presented, he felt safe. It was a bit lonely, but he understood there was a price for everything. It didn't hurt, and that was what he cared about. It took him far less time, in just a moment that she took him by the hands, to realize that this weight, this hole had been with him for a long, long time, far longer than Sirius' death. For years, it crept into his being, making itself at home while he took no notice at all. It manifested itself in the lines on his face, the grays in his hair and the introversion of his character. It had started not with Sirius, but uncountable years ago when he lost hope on finding love. That anyone could ever want... someone like him. It had been so much easier to retreat into this cage he built himself than to face the world outside of imminent pain and heartbreak. But there she was. Still there, on top of him, still humming her silly tune. Take a chance, she had said as she broke away all his defenses, take a chance. And he realized that he had been waiting for those words all along from behind the bars of that cage, with his heart grasped tightly in his hands. For the first time in his life, he felt completely ready to go, ready to live, ready to give his heart away, finally. And it was then, in a mix of horror and amusement that Remus realized that Tonks was his prince in shining armor, freeing him from his cage, kissing him awake from his poisoned slumber and pulling him onto her noble stead.

The scandalized look on his face must have caught her attention, because when he focused his eyes onto her, she was staring back at him with a stern look on her face.

"Stop," she said, raising her eyebrows.

"What?" he said, genuinely confused, wondering about the kind of frocks that was required of princesses like him.

"Thinking," she said, poking him in the ribs with an extended finger.

He was about to protest that thinking never hurt anyone, and in fact, many, many nice things would have never existed without a good think; but for once, he decided against it. He obligingly shut his mind off, and with a half-smile, leaned over and kissed her on the nose, then rubbed his nose gently against hers.

He leaned back again against the headboard, looking out the window and unconsciously playing with one of her bubblegum pink spikes.

She peeked at him from the corner of her eyes, sighing dramatically. When he didn't respond, she reached up and flicked his nose. He blinked, looking at her surprised, and brought his hand up to rub his nose, awkwardly. "What was that for?" he asked.

"You're thinking again. You're completely hopeless," she proclaimed. "I bet you don't even know you're doing it, like it's a chronic illness or something."

He laughed, and pulled her up so that she sat against him on the bed. "I suppose," he said, "That it is just my unfortunate fate to be the man who is unable to cease thought."

She burrowed into him a bit, and they sat, quietly for a moment. "What were you thinking about?" she asked casually, taking his hands in hers and playing with his fingers.

"Well," he said, and suddenly, like the whole night just finally hit him in a huge blow, he felt very tired yet overwhelmed at the same time of what the world would be like if he were to sleep and awaken in a new day. "I was thinking... what's going to happen now?"

"Ahh," she said, "This is of utmost importance. I insist you take me out to dinner Friday night and we have a most dandy time."

He laughed again, and gave her a squeeze with his arms. "Duly noted." He paused before his next comment. "And Sirius?"

She tilted her head a bit to the side so that she could see him. "I think... Sirius wouldn't be mad if maybe, we didn't think about him as much anymore, and when we do, it can be happy, not just sad. And... we keep going, we keep living. Just because we don't think about him as much doesn't mean we don't love him as much as before. He would understand. And we'll be okay." She turned away again, and sighed into his old robe.

A silence followed. He didn't know what to say for the longest time. He wanted to cry and laugh, and hold her even tighter. Finally, he croaked, "Thank you."

She clasped his hands between hers and nodded. Looking out the window, she grinned. "The sun's coming up."

He looked too. "Yes," he said, "It is."

END

I do not own Harry Potter (I should've put this in the beginning but I didn't want to delay this chapter any further with notes like that!)

I apologize deeply for this incredibly belated chapter. I've been writing it on and off all summer, and it was just so difficult to know what to do with it. I got the final push to finish it tonight because I'm going on vacation tomorrow, and when I return, school will start (!) and I knew that I would never be able to finish it then. It actually took me over a year to write a 5-chapter fic. I am horrible, just horrible. I hope you can all forgive me with this somewhat long chapter. Please tell me how you feel about it, because I'm not sure about it at all. It's late, and I don't even have time to look it over. It's a little messy, but I hope it's real.

I hope you guys understand the significance of the slight layout change from previous chapters.

By the way, not much of a Gavin DeGraw fan, but I heard this song on the radio and felt the lyrics were what I was looking for.

So ends our journey together, but certainly, not my continuous tirade for Remus/Tonks! Thank you to all the readers for your great reviews and support, it has meant everything to me. Your guys have been so patient with me (and I've given so little in return). Thank you, and hopefully, I'll see you guys again in your own great works of fiction. Until then!