::Note from Lams:: Hey everyone! Thanks for checking out my 4th fanfic. Anyhow, this is rated PG-13 for, well, I'm not really sure yet. It won't probably have as much sexual related humor or bad language as some of my other fics, but it will probably offend more people than most of my other fics too. For whatever reason, Special Ed is a touchy subject. Anyhow, I warned you up front, so there really is not point for flaming me for offending you. Anyhow, for everyone else, have fun with this story and check out my other fics. Oh! And review pretty please! The reviews help tell me what direction I'll take the fic in next. Thanks!
All the merry students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry were eating there breakfast one chilly, February morning.
"Don't eat that!" exclaimed Hermione Granger as Harry Potter was about to take a bite of some disgusting, grey-looking matter. "How many House Elves had to die so you could eat that disgusting gruel?" she continued.
"Die?" said Harry Potter.
"Well, you know what I meant," said Hermione. "The House Elves work under such harsh conditions, just to make you that gruel. Sometimes I think they'd be better off dead."
"No, you idiot!" said Harry. "That's not what I meant. How can you eat House Elf Gruel if the House Elves aren't dead before you put them in?" Harry turned to Hermione, who was now pale as a ghost. "You mean you didn't know that House Elf Meat was in House Elf Gruel? Why, it says so right on the packaging! Take it, Ron!"
Ron pulled a big jar of House Elf Gruel from underneath the table and pointed at the label. "Now with meatier House Elf chunks!" he said with a wink.
Hermione stood up from the table. "YOU MAKE ME SICK!!!" she screamed before dashing out of the Great Hall.
"What's up with her?" asked Ron as he took a big spoon full of gruel.
"AHEM!!! ATTENTION ALL STUDENTS," called a voice over the Great Hall.
"Must be Dumbledore with the announcements," said Harry.
Dumbledore's voices sounded once again over the Great Hall. "ATTENTION ALL STUDENTS! I HAVE TIDDLY WINKS IN MY PANTS.... DAMN THOSE WEASLEY TWINS, SWITCHING MY CUE CARDS!!!!! UMM, ANYHOW, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE HARRY POTTER IN MY OFFICE, STAT!"
"Wow, wonder what that's all about?" said Ron. "Want me to come with you?"
"No, I should be fine," said Harry as he stood up from the table and walked down to Dumbledore's office. "Fuzzy Lumpinks," he said and the door to Dumbly's office opened.
"Oh!! Harry Potter! What brings you here?" called Dumbledore.
"Umm... you asked me down here, Sir," said Harry.
"Did I really?" mused Dumbledore, stroking his chin. "Oh yes! I do have something I need to tell you. As you know, Voldie's regained his strength and is looking for any means to kill you."
"Thanks for reminding me, really brightens up my morning," said Harry sarcastically.
"Anyhow, since he'd be looking for you at Hogwarts, we've decided to enroll you in the Wizard Protection Program," said Dumbledore, gazing seriously at Harry over his half-moon spectacles.
"Thanks for the offer, Dumbles, but I have to insist that I am fine right here at Hogwarts. Voldemorts come after me for years and the most he's ever gotten on me is the very same scratch I had since I was a baby. That bumbling old fool is no match for me," said Harry.
"You are a dense one, aren't you Potter?" said Professor Snape, stepping out from behind Dumbledore's desk.
"Snape!" exclaimed Harry, glaring at his surly Potion's master. "What the blue blazes are you doing here?"
"Actually, I am in charge of the Wizard Protection Program, Hogsmede division. I will be handling your relocation. Hmm, let's see, how far away from me can I send you? Outer Mongolia perhaps?" Snape said, curling his lip into a contemptuous sneer.
"YOU'RE in charge of this branch of the Wizard Protection Program?" fumed Harry. "Well," he added nonchalantly, "I suppose you have time to do all these things when you can't get a girlfriend."
"Don't test me, boy," said Snape. "Your fate lies in my hands. I could send you into hiding in a hole for 10 years. I heard the place Sadaam Hussein was hiding in is avaliable..."
"SEVERUS!! HARRY!! Stop your arguing this instant before I go Mortal Kombat on both of your asses!" shouted Dumbledore. "As it so happens, Mr. Potter, Professor Snape and I already chose your destination. You will be living in Moscow to begin with. Vladamir Nostiyfik will be there to pick you up when you arrive. Your new name will be Barry Notter..."
"Umm, Professor Dumbledore," Harry cut in, "don't you think you could come up with a better false name than THAT. After all, it rhymes with my real name."
"SHUT UP POTTER!" shouted Dumbledore. "Ahem, moving on, Barry. You will tell everyone that you are a student from London who has come on a foreign exchange program. Oh, and naturally since you are one of the most famous and recognizable wizards, we will have to do away with all of your trademark features."
"You mean, my messy black hair, green eyes underneath a pair of circular glasses, my.... scar?" said Harry questioningly.
"Yes, yes. That will all have to go. That scar will be a doozy to try and cover up though. Anyhow, you will be sent off to Russia first thing in the morning. Professor Snape will drive you to the airport. Good day!"
Harry then left Dumbledore's office and went to his room. Dumbledore told him that he was not to tell anyone about his leaving, not even Ron and Hermione. Harry curled up on his bed and began to sob. He would never be able to talk to his old friends again! This was awful!
The next morning Harry rose from his bed before anyone else would be awake. He tiptoed down the stairs and met Professor Snape, who was waiting for him by the front door. Harry didn't say a word and followed Snape out to the black Volvo that was sitting outside the school.
"Buckle up, Potter," said Snape. "It's been a long times since I've been behind the wheel on one of these muggle contraptions." Snape put his key into the ignition and started the car. Whoever drove the car last must have forgotten to turn the stereo down because it came on as soon as Snape twisted the key. "I DON'T WANT ANYBODY ELSE, WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU I TOUCH MYSELF..." played on the radio, loud enough to wake everyone up in the school.
"TURN IT OFF!!!" shrieked Harry as he covered his ears.
"I CAN'T!" said Snape as he was fiddling with the buttons, which only made the music louder.
Though it was 3 in the morning, lights were starting to turn on from inside Hogwarts. "Hurry up, Snape!" shouted Harry, "You're waking everybody up!"
After a couple more minutes of struggling, Snape relented and turned off the car, stopping the music. Both he and Harry breathed in a sigh of relief and Harry popped the CD from the CD player. He read the label on the CD then stared questioningly at Snape. Snape turned around and met his eye.
"Grrl Power, Volume One?" asked Harry. "Is this your CD?"
"It most certainly is not!" said Snape, his face growing flushed. "Dumbledore borrowed my car not long back and he must have left his CD in here. Give it to me so I can give it back to him."
"So, it's Dumbledore's, eh?" Harry said coyly. "Then why does it have a sticker on it that says 'Property of Severus Snape?' Tell me Snapey, who IS it you're thinking about when you touch yourself?"
Snape's face grew pale. He lunged over at Harry, grabbed the CD and threw it out the window. Harry gaped in shock at Snape's reaction. And they both sat there for about 5 minutes, in awkward and embarrassed silence. Finally, Snape put the key back in the ignition and drove off towards the airport, not speaking a word.
After a very long, very silent car ride, they came to the airport. The sky was grey and small drops of rain came down from the sky. Snape did not say a word. He thrust the ticked into Harry's hand, kicked him out the door, and sped off.
"Wait!!" shouted Harry, running after the car. Snape was almost to the exit when he stopped the car and rolled down the window. "Professor Snape, one last thing I need to ask before I go. Since I'll never see you again..."
Professor Snape looked at him both confused and expectantly, "Spit it out then, Potter," he said.
"Well, the thing is... you drove off before I could get my luggage out of the car. So could you please pop the trunk?"
Snape obliged and Harry grabbed his things. They both seemed equally pleased about being rid of one another forever. After a long period of waiting, Harry boarded his plane to Moscow. He stared out the window. What would his new life be like? What about Ron and Hermione? If they hadn't woken up to "I Touch Myself," they would probably be waking up just now, and realizing he was gone. After it hurt to much to think about anymore, Harry leaned back on his chair and fell asleep.
::Coming Up Next Chapter:: Harry goes to Moscow, and Australia, and the US.
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