::Note from Lams:: Okay, this isn't my best chapter ever. Like I've said, I'm incredibly rusty when it comes to writing. I've got to give a big thanks to all my reviewers, but especially She-who-must-not-be-named666, Leo-07-88, and KeithUrbanFan. These peeps review me EVERY time and I am eternally grateful. I'd offer to write you into one of my fics for your devotion, but given how insane my fics are, I'm not sure you'd want that. Oh, and Leo-07-88, I like your idea, would you mind if I used it in the next chapter? This chapter is rather insulting in parts to Minnesota, just so you know, but that's where I'm from so it's okay if I mock it. Hehe! Anyhow, here it is, Chapter 2.
::Edit:: I tried to post this sucker yesterday, and it came up and everything, but you couldn't get to the second chapter, for whatever reason. So here it goes again. Hope the re-posting does the trick.
Harry was not asleep for 10 minutes when he woke up to the sounds of the person in the seat next to him fidgeting around. He looked over at the man, who was nervously biting his nails. "Excuse me, is that you Mr. Malfoy?" he asked.
Lucius Malfoy turned around and looked at Harry. "Yes, yes it is me. And who may I ask are you?"
"Well, can you keep a secret?" asked Harry. "It's me, Harry Potter. Dumbledore found out Voldemort's kind of lost it and is using all his power to go after me. So, to keep me safe, he put me in the Wizard Protection Program. I had to dye my hair and everything. I decided to go bleached blond, like that sexy Draco Malfoy."
"Umm, you do realize you're talking about my son?" said Lucius.
"Oh, oops! Kind of forgot about that one. Oh, and revealing myself to a Death Eater probably wasn't too bright of me either," said Harry.
"No, no, probably not," said Lucius. Suddenly, the plane jerked. "AHHHH!! We're all going to DIE!!" he shrieked, grabbing onto Harry. He turned to the overweight woman on his other side, who was eating a Slim Fast bar. "No sense in starting a diet now, porky. Didn't you hear me? We're about to die!" The woman slapped him with her purse, which caused Lucius to start crying like a baby. "Waaaaaaa! Harry, did you see what just happened?" he cried. A stewardess ran over to see what all the commotion was about.
"Are you okay, sir?" she said to Lucius. "Can I get you a drink to calm your nerves?"
"Drinks?" said Lucius. "Well, maybe just one..."
Five Minutes Later.
"Hey Harry! I have to tell you a secret," said Lucius, jabbing him in the ribs and leaning over to whisper in his ear.
"Ugh! But I don't want to Lucius. You're just going to make a big farting noise in my ear then laugh," said Harry.
"Have I already done that?" said Lucius.
"Like 10 times," said Harry.
"Poopy! Well, what can I do for fun then?" Lucius pouted. After about 5 seconds, he turned to Harry again, "Oh! I've got it! Harry, I have a secret, let me whisper it to you!"
"Wait a minute... I just said... ah! Never mind. What's your secret, Lucius?" said Harry disgustedly.
Lucius leaned over by Harry's ear and made a loud farting noise. "Pssssssfffffftttt!" Lucius cracked up laughing. "Hahahahahaha!!!!" he squealed, then poked the portly woman next to him, "Hey, chubsy, want to switch me seats? I think this boy just crapped his pants!"
The plump woman next to him slapped him with her purse again. "Hey, that smarts!" said Lucius. "What do you have in there anyway?"
The lady frowned at Lucius and pulled out a big brick. "This here's my slappin' brick!" she said. "Yeeee--haw!"
"Umm, that's great," said Harry. Suddenly, the plane lurched again. "AAAAHHHH we're going to DIE!!!" wailed Lucius. He glanced over at the weight capacity for the plane, then glanced at the chubby woman, then glanced at the weight capacity sign again. "We really ARE going to die!" he wailed. "Oh cruel fate! Why must I die a virgin?"
"You're a virgin, Lucius?" said Harry. "Aren't you married?"
"Narcissa? She's like a sister to me. Or maybe she is my sister. I really don't remember, but all I know is I haven't gotten any." squealed Lucius. He looked over hungrily at the pudgy woman next to him. "Hey sweet cheeks, how are YOU doing? Wanna join the mile high club?" The woman pulled out her slapping brick and chucked it at Lucius. "Okay, I take that as a no," said Lucius apologetically.
"But wait a minute, Lucius. How do you explain Draco if you haven't ever gotten any?" said Harry.
"Oh, that's easy! The stork brought him. Or did we find him in the cabbage patch? It was one of the two, but believe me, it had nothing to do with getting it on. That's why I was flying out to Russia. I hear you can get hookers really cheap there," said Lucius.
"Actually, with the cost of the plane ticket and the hotel, you could get your choice of any hooker in Hogsmede," said Harry. "Not that I know from personal experience or anything..." Lucius gave Harry a serious look and Harry turned beet red. "Anyhow, Lucius, why don't you just apparate to Russia? that way you wouldn't be losing any money."
"Well, I got my apparating license taken away last Wednesday. I kind of apparated myself into the girl's shower room at Hogwarts. I'm on the sex offender list now too," said Lucius, sheepishly.
"Attention, this is your captain speaking. We're going to be landing in Moscow in 5 minutes."
The plane descended slowly and within a few minutes, they were safely on the ground. "See you around, Harry!" called Lucius. Harry waved at him as Lucius walked off the plane. Harry pulled his onboard luggage out of the overhead compartment then walked out of the plane. He was walking down the ramp when all of a sudden, a loud crack sounded and Severus Snape stood in front of him. "POTTER!" he bellowed.
"Hey Sevvy!" said Harry. "What are you doing here?"
"What am I doing here? I'm saving you from the dozen or so Death Eaters that are waiting around the corner to kill you. I can't believe you revealed yourself to Lucius Malfoy. Not only is he a Death Eater, but he can't keep his mouth shut either!" said Severus. His eyes glazed over, recalling some detail from the past.
FLASHBACK
It was the 80's and Snape was a teenager shopping in the mall with his mother. He was wearing almost all black and had his straggly black hair in his face covering up much of his eyes, which were heavily coated with black eyeliner. They were standing in the lingerie section of JC Penny's.
"Severus, can you hold on to these things for me while I go to the bathroom?" she asked, handing him an array of bras and the like. Before Snape had any time to object, she left, leaving him holding all her unmentionables.
Meanwhile, Lucius Malfoy walked into the section in order to squeeze the water bras when he noticed Severus Snape in an even more embarrassing situation than he was in. Snape turned around and saw Lucius gaping at him. "This isn't what it looks like!" he shouted before Lucius dashed off.
END FLASHBACK
"He told everyone. I never lived that reputation down. Every time Victoria's Secret has a sale, Lucius calls brings it up again. The weird part is he seems really curious about what my cup size is," said Severus.
"Uhhh, right," said Harry.
"In any event, Mr. Potter, you have jeopardized this entire operation and I will need to relocate you," said Snape, sounding much more like himself.
"Well, if you had given me an easier name to remember, that might have helped," said Harry angrily.
"Your name was Barry Notter, it rhymes with your real name! Even Mr. Longbottom could have remembered that!" said Snape. "Now grab on to me and I'll apparate us out of here."
With a loud crack, Harry and Snape disappeared from the airport and landed into a large snow bank. Harry looked around and saw people passing down the street, speaking with horrible accents. He covered his ears. "Oh! My poor ears! These people are butchering the proper English language! And I'm freezing!" he said, then clutched onto Severus's arm. "Are we in... hell?"
Severus pushed Harry off of him. "We are not in hell, Mr. Potter. But close enough, Minnesota."
"Haha, you mean Minne-SNOW-da!" laughed Harry. Suddenly, a large group turned around and looked at Harry.
"Uff da! He's patronizing out state!" said one. "Let's get him!"
Snape pulled Harry by the arm and started running from the unruly mob. They dashed around the streets of Minneapolis for a solid 2 minutes until they lost the mob.
"That was the shortest chase I've ever been in," said Harry.
"What do you expect? We're in the United States now," said Snape. "They're all out of shape and overweight."
"That's for sure. And what's with them getting so angry about a harmless joke? Whatever happened to 'Minnesota Nice?'" said Harry.
"'Minnesota Nice?' There's no such thing, it's just a lie they tell to attract tourism," said Snape. "Look around you, it's crappy out 90% of the time around here. You'd have to lie to get anyone to come here."
"Then why did you take us here, Snape?" said Harry.
"Though we are not in a school setting, you will still address me as 'sir,' do you understand?" said Snape. "If you had any sense of logic, you would realize that the Dark Lord's goons are after us as we speak. I took us to the least desirable place on earth simply because it would be the last place they'd look. But we need a place to stay the evening, let's go inside," Snape said, motioning to a door.
The pair walked into the lobby of the hotel and walked up the desk. "Excuse me, I am looking for a room for the evening."
The girl at the counter looked up. "Another gay couple! I thought we were done checking you guys in an hour or so ago," she said, surveying Harry and Snape. "Well, I always said age ain't nothing but a number, but you might want to watch that you don't get arrested for statutory rape."
"We are NOT a gay couple," said Snape hotly. "I would like a room with two very separate double beds."
"Sorry, about the misunderstanding, there's a big convention in town for gay couples," said the girl. "In fact, since we usually run out of single beds this time of year, we've converted all our double bed rooms into single bed to cater to our gay couples. We only have vacancies in rooms with one bed." "This is insanity!" said Snape.
"This is Minnesota," said the girl. "Take the room or don't, it's up to you. But I must tell you that we are the only hotel in town with any vacancies."
Snape bit his lip and looked disgustedly at Harry. "Fine! We'll take the bloody room!"
::Coming Up Next Chapter:: Harry and Snape pose as a gay couple. This should be fun, mwah ha ha! Not slash -- I couldn't have any HP/SS pairings in any of my fics.