::Note from Lams:: Wha-cha! I've finally finished my next chapter, which I'm sure you've all been dying to read. Not really? Meh, I figured as much. Actually, I just started school and I've been insanely busy. In fact, I really should be doing my History right now, but that can wait. Anyhow, I'll write you all in one by one. Not all at the same time. You probably won't have huge roles though, just because I tend to make everyone insane and that wouldn't be very nice of me to make you guys insane, now would it? This was sposed to be a NICE thing. Anyhow, if you want to be written in, just give me the permission to do so in a review. This one probably won't have anyone, unless you wanted to be at the gay convention. Anyhow, here we go!
The girl at the desk handed a room key to Snape and smiled. "Have a nice evening, boys," she said.
"Hey, I'm not a little boy!" pouted Harry. He tried his best to give the girl a seductive look. "If you come up to my room, I'll show you just how manly I can be, if you catch my drift." He looked over at Severus. "Hey Snapey, what's our room number?"
"POTTER!" shouted Snape. "This is not the time to be picking up random hotel workers. Besides, I am quite more masculine than you could ever be. If someone were to get any tonight, it ought to be me. You said it yourself, I really don't ever get any."
Harry laughed out loud at Snape's comment. "Who would want to sleep with you? You're a greasy git, no offence. I'm a dashing, young hero."
Snape looked slightly offended. "I'll have you know, I have quite the fan base, Mr. Potter. Many people find me not only intriguing, but mysterious and intelligent, which may I just say, you are severely lacking at."
"I is too smart!' demanded Harry. "And mysterious too. Just look at this scar!"
"Mystery?" scoffed Snape. "Why, we knew your entire back story by the first book!"
Harry glared at Snape, then turned to the girl at the counter. "Well, who do YOU think is hotter?"
The girl looked up. "Umm... I don't know, I mean, err... LOCKHART!"
"Hey, Lockhart wasn't one of the answers!" said Harry.
Snape bopped Harry on the head. "No, you buffoon, look behind you."
Harry whirled around and saw none other than Gilderoy Lockhart entering the building with his patented dazzling smile. A man he could not see very well was carrying his bags.
The girl leaned over to Harry and Snape. "That's Gilderoy Lockhart. He and his partner come to the convention every year. He's kind of a whack job, thinks he's famous or something. He always asks if I want his autograph."
Both Harry and Snape's jaws dropped. Lockhart was gay? That was far too weird, but it made sense. He was far too well-groomed. No straight man would have the addiction to Crest whitestrips that Lockhart did.
Lockhart looked over at Snape and Harry in equal amazement. "Harry? Severus?" he said. "Well, I never knew! I say, it was a nice cover you had going for your relationship. The whole mortal enemy thing works very well for you. However, if you read my copy of 'Hogwarts Homo' you would have found much better ways to disguise your relationship."
Harry and Snape dared not look at one another, both were far to disgusted to say a word.
"Is this your first year at the convention?" said Lockhart. "Well, in that case, let me and Richard show you around. You're not Muggle-phobes, are you?"
Harry shook his head no. "My mother was as Muggle, remember?"
"Oh yes, of course I did, I was just making sure you did," said Lockhart. "Yoo hoo! Richard, come here and meet some gays I know from a job I had once."
"Heeey!!" said a man decked out in short shorts and a glittery tank top. "Are you ready to sweat?"
"Good Lord!" said Snape. "I'm no longer the muggle-born hater I was, but should I spend one more minute beside Richard Simmons and I may go back to the Death Eaters."
"Ah! So Severus, you've heard of him," said Lockhart. "Not as famous and good looking as I of course, but finding a specimen of my caliber would be quite impossible, might I say."
"Oooh!" said Richard. "We're missing the party! Let's go, let's go!!!" he said, jumping up and down, squealing with glee. He grabbed Harry by the arm, who in turn, grabbed Snape and they dashed over to the convention hall where no less than 10,000 gay couples were mingling.
"Erm, Snape, did we ever bother to tell them we weren't gay," said Harry.
Suddenly the room got quiet. "Did somebody say they weren't gay?" called a voice. "Because if the persecuting straights are here, I'll kick their asses in!" A loud hooting ensued after that speech.
"Err... umm... I said, go gay pride!" said Harry. Another applause followed.
"Oooh! I just love your spirit!" said Richard, pinching Harry's cheek. "You're so yummy I just want to eat you right up!" Harry frowned at this.
At that moment Gilderoy, who was getting some punch, rejoined the group. "The gay sack race is coming up! Let's go."
"I really don't think that's a good idea, Gilderoy," said Snape.
"Aww, come on! Have some pride, Snape!" said Lockhart and before Snape could object, Lockhart and Richard Simmons dragged him off to the corner of the convention hall and handed him a sack.
"How is this a 'gay' sack race?" asked Harry. "Isn't a sack race a sack race?"
"Well, for one thing, the bags are Versace and hot pink," observed Snape. "Err... not that I know my designers or anything."
"That's only the beginning, Severus," said Lockhart. "The catch to this game is the couple must hop in the sack together."
"Good Lord! Why do I get the feeling this is some horrible slash innuendo?" said Harry.
"Because it is," snapped Lockhart very uncharacteristically. "It's supposed to be funny, now hop in the damned sack before I tie you up in it and throw you off a bridge."
Snape and Harry got into the sack. "Shouldn't you be in front, Mr. Potter?" said Snape. "You are smaller."
"Oooh! Mr. Potter! That's so hot, calling each other by formalities," squealed Richard.
Snape turned to Richard. "Tell me, Richard, has Lockhart ever explained the phrase 'Avada Kedavra' to you?"
Richard hopped up and down. "Ooooh! Isn't that the wizard incantation to put rhinestones on one's clothing?" Snape shook his head.
"It's the killing one, isn't it?" said Richard. Snape nodded. "I'll shut up now," said Richard.
Harry looked uncomfortable between Snape and Richard, but scooted over to the front of the sack, positioning himself so he was ready. And the race started.
Snape hopped down the track like a madman. "Oww! You're stepping on me!" said Harry, elbowing Snape in the stomach.
Snape keeled over slightly from the jab and kicked Harry in the shin. "You must... curb your violent tendencies, Mr. Potter," he said.
Harry's face turned red. "Okay, you've asked for it!" he said. He turned around, grabbed Snape's shoulders, and pushed him to the ground, landing on top of him. "I'm going to beat the snot out of you!" he shouted, raising his hand up into the air to deliver a blow.
"Oh no you don't!" said Snape, grabbing Harry's arm. He grabbed Harry's arm and flipped them over so he had the advantage point, being on top of Harry. "I have wanted to do this for a long time, Mr. Potter," he said, raising his own fist in the air. Just then, Harry grabbed Snape's throat and started choking him. Snape grabbed onto Harry's throat and did the same. The two rolled all over the floor, trying to choke one another.
Meanwhile, Lockhart and Richard were watching from the sidelines. They couldn't see the fighting very well, so to them, it looked just like Harry and Snape were rolling around together on the floor in a sack, which I'm sure you can figure out their connotations. "What in the world are they doing?" said Richard.
"Well, if they were a man and a woman, I'd say they were making babies, but since they're not, I'd say they're just having a jolly good time," said Lockhart.
A couple other sideline people noticed what was going on too. "Ewww!' shouted one. "That is disgusting!" called another. Suddenly, Elton John and the rest of the Gay Mafia stepped out. (A lovely Will and Grace reference!) Two of the more burly mobsters walked out to where Harry and Snape were, picked up the sack with them still in it, and tossed them outside.
"And stay out!" called one.
Snape and Harry loosened their respective choke holds on the other, just realizing they had been kicked out of the Gay convention. "Gilderoy will never let me hear the end of this," said Snape. "It's bad enough he thinks I'm involved with... you. I can hardly bear to think what he will include in his Christmas card next year. I shudder at the thought. Anyhow, what do you want to do?"
"We could go see a play, how about Cats?" said Harry.
"Or we could do something less gay like trying to get back into the gay convention," said Snape sarcastically.
"Well, there's always the Mall of America in Bloomington," said Harry. "I know how well you like Versace."
Snape blushed slightly. "I happen to like a quality suit now and then, thank you very much. I'm actually not much of a shopper."
"Well," said Harry, "Knott's Camp Snoopy is inside the mall."
"Wait, you're telling me there's an AMUSEMENT PARK inside a MALL?" said Snape excitedly. "Finally! A way to make the mall suck less." Apparently unbeknownst to anyone, Snape was a big amusement park connoisseur.
"Well, let's go then!" said Harry.
Some cheesy scene changer here with equally cheesy background music.
"Wheeeeeeeee!" shouted Snape as he bounced around. The scene zooms out and you can see Snape is jumping up and down in a giant inflatable Snoopy and receiving numerous dirty looks from the parents around him.
Back at the end of the day.
Snape laid on one side of the bed and Harry on the other. Harry mumbled quietly in his sleep and pulled the covers closer to him.
Snape sat bolt upright in bed and yanked the covers back a good one. He settled back down into bed and was nearly asleep when Harry yanked the covers off him again.
"Ugh!" sighed Snape as he got up, went to the closet and took a blanket from the top. He went back to bed and covered himself with it, hoping to get some sleep. And he was nearly there, until Harry's arm flew across the bed and smacked him in the face. Snape tried to move his hand, but Harry grabbed on around him and started cuddling him in his sleep.
"Oh Cho! You want to take me back!" said Harry in his sleep. "Well, sure, okay. And what, you want to make out with me?" Harry unconsciously moved himself closer towards Snape.
"This is getting too weird," said Snape, who pushed Harry off the bed.
Harry landed with a thud and woke up. He rubbed the back of his head and looked angrily at Snape. "Hey, what was that all about?"
Snape looked angrily at Harry. "The next time you have diluted fantasies about Miss Chang, please do not act them out on me."
The two did not say a word to each other. They just glared for awhile then got back into bed. Finally, Snape fell asleep. Harry, however, couldn't. Snape snored like a freight train.
"I've got to do something about this!" said Harry. He grabbed up a pillow and shoved it in Snape's face. After about 5 seconds, Snape started struggling.
"Good Lord!" he shouted. "Are you trying to kill me?"
"No, sorry, it was the snoring," said Harry.
"I do NOT snore!" said Snape.
Harry looked at him angrily. "I beg to differ."
"Let's just go to bed," Snape said shortly.
"But neither of us can sleep," said Harry. "Hey, I've got an idea. Muggles use something called NyQuil sometimes, it puts them right to sleep. I've got some with me. Want a shot?" asked Harry.
"Why not?" said Snape. He took up the gross looking liquid and downed it.
"Cheers," said Harry as he drank his.
5 minutes later
Snape and Harry were sleeping like babies! (Dumb way to end the chapter, I know!)