A/N: This chapter was a BITCH to write. I struggled, I wrestled, and broke down in tears more then once, but IT'S DONE! HALLELUJAH! I'm so sorry for the late update. I'm so horrible. I make my fans suffer through the waiting, and I know how hard that is. Many many apologies.
xoxoxo
Youkai Girl- HAHA! Yeah, getting caught in the middle of some private action is DEFINITELY not what they needed. Or is it?? Hehe. You'll just have to read on won't cha? And I know that lemons are a no no. I still might do one and post it on media miner if I get the courage. Thank you for the confidence that this chapter will be good!
Kitty in the Box- HI! WEEEE! My most enthusiatic supporter since chapter 1! Bows profusely. If that chapter had you off your seat, I'm just hoping that this one will have you crawling on the floor. Remeber deep breaths, that's the key. Maybe a la maz class or two wouldn't go astray? :-)
Kikvws- Sorry to disappoint but they won't be getting it on in this fic. Like I said to Youkai Girl, probably in a one shot on media miner. We'll see, we'll see.
icchan- going baby going! Thank you for reviewing and giving me your imput!
earthangel3- So glad my story is good enough to get caught up in! In each chapter I'm so worried if it will be received well or not. But I do appreciate your novel reviews. It gives me a good sense about how well I foreshadow and so on. Thank you for the love and support!
kirara2edward- Don't think that it hasn't crossed my mind! A foursome would be so delicious except it would have to be utterly PWP and I'm not really into those...
Neko Rinny- YAY! You notice my building upness! Excellent! I hope you love this chapter as much as the last! I'll cross my fingers.
katastrophic88- I'm blushing. You thought that my kissing scene was hot? Oh lucky day! If you say it's hot then it must be okay. Thank you, thank you. Aw, have a little faith in Dee's maturity, he's got it in there somewhere... I think....
Calico Avangi- A NEW READER! glomp. So pleased that you think the chemistry is balanced. That's really important to me. There have been so many times that I thought I fudged it up. Their ages are just vague but it's good that you agree. And yeah, Ryo is good like that ne? :-)
xoxoxo
Chapter 9:
Drake roughly shoved JJ off his lap, causing the silver haired man to crash on the floor.
"Oh, shit! That... that... wasn't supposed to happen!" Drake cried as he ungracefully retucked his shirt. They SAW! They KNOW! It's all over... my good standing, my badge, my reputation... aw, FUCK!
"Hey, Drake," JJ spoke softly as he got off the floor, rearranging his tie from its previously loosened condition, "We'll just talk to them. Just calm down a secon-"
"Don't you DARE tell me when to calm the fuck down!" Drake bellowed as he tugged a bit of hair at his temple, "You have no idea... you don't understand... I wasn't ready to-"
"Tell anyone about us?" JJ whispered quietly.
"HELL NO!" Drake hissed, "I told you before! I'm not gay! I'm just... lonely."
Drake thought a minute about what he had just said. Yeah, lonely. JJ was just so tempting with his friendship and understanding, that I lost track of boundaries. I dug myself a hole that I wasn't prepared to be in! I have to get out of this NOW! He obviously expects something further, NO NO NO!
"So," JJ murmured with his head bent to his chest, "It was all right if nobody knew."
"This shouldn't be a surprise to you JJ!" Drake stated with a passionate force. He walked around his desk and chair to face the window. "I told you that before we started this... this... thing."
JJ felt like his body was collapsing from the inside. As if his rib cage was no longer strong enough to protect his heart from imploding. Drake's words stung, as hurtful and degrading as any he had ever heard. A thing? All that we have become, all that we are... is a thing? Did I miss his implications so far? How could he do this to me?! All the time I've spent with him, comforted him, laughed with him, all I get is a relationship to be hidden away because he's too embarrassed to be with me? JJ you're such a FOOL!
JJ started to cry but forced his voice to remain as steady as it could, "Then I've been suffering under a false hope... I'm sorry... I don't know what else to say... I thought... I thought that maybe... your feelings would... have... changed..."
Drake knew he definitely could not turn around now. If he saw JJ's face, saw the tears roll along the sides of his cheeks, it would break him. It would force him into a corner. Drake glowered at the New York City street below, dark and dank, like it should be late at night.
"They haven't. I told you that I wanted to try it out, and I did. But I can't anymore! Not with the whole precinct knowing! And Dee is sure to spread that around to EVERYONE!" Drake reasoned.
"Who cares about the precinct knowing?" JJ wailed as he clung to the side of his desk for support.
"I DO!" Drake swung around to stare JJ in the face, "Am I a broken record? I'm not GAY! The office doesn't have to know about something that's NOT TRUE."
JJ's unbearable grief now shifted to unbelievable anger, "Then what the HELL were we doing ABOUT FIVE MINUTES AGO! Because I was not the only one involved Drake! You can't stand there and pretend that you weren't turned on by KISSING ME!"
Drake blushed an unusual shade of purple. He didn't know that JJ had felt his growing hard on, but thinking back on their position, he probably would have. How dare he throw my hormones back in my face! Wasn't my problem! It could have happened with a girl too. It didn't have to be JJ... didn't have to be JJ at all...
"I would have been turned on by anyone! I've just been so fucking deprived that I got desperate!"
JJ's face went through shock, fury, and then utter despair. He balled his fists and bit his lower lip, looking to the side away from Drake. What have I done to deserve this?
Drake knew he had gone too far. That was plain to see as it appeared that JJ just wanted the floor to swallow him up and never see the light of day again. Oh shit! Drake you're such an asshole! Think! Think about how to repair that fuck up...
JJ turned around at a snail's pace to leave the office. His steps were erratic as he walked a slow march to the door. Before he left, he managed to get out a two questions before his sobs took over.
"Why are you... so ashamed of me? I thought that you needed me... depended on me... more than... just a... friend."
The door shut. And JJ was gone.
Drake collapsed to his knees and brought his fists down upon the wood flooring so hard that a few of the planks chipped. A hot searing liquid was forming over his eyes as he covered his face with his hands, rocking back and forth. It hurt so damn much to hear his partner suffering, but there was nothing to be done. This shouldn't have happened at all... none of this should have happened.
His nails dug into his knees as he desperately tried to replace his anguish with pain.
oOoOoOoOoOo
JJ didn't know how he had made it home. Everything seemed surreal, like his body was acting of its own accord. The past hour or so was just impossible. It was ridiculous it had even occurred, but it did. In a flash, everything had changed.
When he opened his door, October came rushing out from his bedroom, tail wagging and tongue swaying from side to side. She greeted JJ like she always did, brushing against his calf and nuzzling the back of his legs to move him to wherever she pleased. But instead of laughing and moving to check her food dish, JJ dropped his bag and clutched her around her neck.
He dragged himself to the wall of the front entrance and simply wailed into her chocolate fur. Seeming to understand how important this was to her master, October stayed still; content to lie in JJ's lap.
"Oh God... Oh God... help me. Someone please help me... why does... everyone reject me?"
oOoOoOoOoOo
Drake fell asleep on the office floor, too tired and too distressed to move. The moments of the past three months passed through his head one by one, as if someone was playing a film inside his brain.
- - - "Wow... if I had someone to make this for me every morning I wouldn't be half as reluctant to get out of bed" - - -
- - - "That's a ton of whoreshit JJ. Your birthday matters."
"No, not to me."
"Well, it does to ME." - - -
- - - Drake- you must slap Dee later this afternoon. You're seeing double right now. - - -
- - - "I just can't tell you how much that meant to me Drake. And I'm sorry for this morning, that was uncalled for."
"Hey now... it's not just your fault. I was being an ass too and I'm sorry. Let's just get to know each other better okay? So, then fights like that won't happen again." - - -
- - - "Trust me Drake, it would take more than a light stroll in the park to counter act those three donuts." - - -
- - - "I don't really know Drake. I guess I wasn't thinking about anything but you at the time." - - -
- - - "No, I remember you told me October the 16th. You wanna come over to celebrate? That is if you're not going anywhere, with anyone else I mean." - - -
- - - "I'd rather you and I were on the same chair Drake." - - -
- - - "You will be more careful next time though right? I don't think I could handle it if you died. I've become dependent on you I guess. I need you around JJ."- - -
Drake whimpered slightly as he remembered the moment beside JJ's hospital bed. He had been so worried that he was going to lose his partner, his best friend. From acquaintances to closest confidences in a few short months, it seemed much longer to Drake. It was so difficult to believe that through all the walks in the park, the dinners out, the lengthy conversations, Drake had given a little of his heart away piece by piece.
Maybe I did like him more than just a friend? Why else would I feel this rotten? I can barely move because my body just won't listen to me. Maybe my legs and arms are disappointed in me too. Drake cringed as he recalled JJ's lost words before he had left:
"Why are you so ashamed of me? I thought that you needed me, depended on me, more than just a friend."
I'm so sorry JJ. I wasn't ashamed of you. You mean so much to me. I was just ashamed of myself.
Drake drifted off as the clock on the wall stuck two in the morning.
oOoOoOoOoOo
"Drake! Drake! Hey buddy, wake up!"
Someone had a hold of Drake's shoulder and was giving it a good shake. Drake blinked and found himself looking up at an olive face with black hair and emerald green eyes. Oh, Dee... come here to make fun of me I guess. Can't really blame him though...
"Drake, you've got to get up before Rose comes in here and fires your ass for slobbering on the floor," Dee grunted out as he grabbed Drake under his arms and hoisted him into the nearest chair.
"Leave me the fuck alone Laytner."
Dee stood, arms akimbo, making sure that Drake knew he was not leaving for quite a while. He heaved a heavy sigh before, "JJ said he's not coming in today."
"Ugh," Drake grunted, not really commenting.
"He said he was sick."
"Ugh"
"He doesn't know if he'll be in tomorrow"
Silence.
"Or the next day."
Silence.
"Or forever really."
"WHAT?" Drake yelped as he sat up straight.
"He requested a transfer this morning. Seems he's going to the L.A.P.D."
Drake let out a moan as he rested his forehead in his hands. His eyes were threatening to water again but he held them back with all the strength he could. Drake was NOT going to cry in front of Dee.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Dee queried sincerely.
Drake just held his thoughts in. If he opened his mouth to speak, Dee would know how upset he was.
"Drake," Dee muttered, "What's going on? I've never seen you like this. It... it scares me Drake."
Still silence from the blonde detective. Dee knelt so that he was on Drake's level.
"I want to help you. This is tearing you up. You'll just hurt yourself. You NEED to get this out."
"Dee..." Drake called as his voice wavered, "I really fucked up. I... made a terrible mistake."
"Hey, hey," Dee cooed as he rubbed Drake's back tentatively, "Deep breaths okay? Just tell me all that you're comfortable with giving."
Drake started from the beginning. All the way back to when he had realized he knew nothing about JJ, to the moment when he broke his heart. Dee listened carefully with the utmost seriousness. He nodded several times to prompt Drake ahead in his story, but besides that, made no move to interrupt him. It surprised Drake that Dee could remain so calm and together, while he fell to pieces. I never knew he had it in him...
"And then I just... went to sleep on the floor. There was just no way... I'd make it back to my apartment," Drake finished as he inhaled deeply.
Dee sat on the balls of his feet, looking at Drake thoughtfully. Drake had stopped crying a while ago but his eyes were still red and puffy.
Dee then spoke up after paying attention for over half an hour, "What now?"
"Uh...," Drake stumbled. He honestly didn't know what to do. There was nothing he could think of, "I don't know."
"Well, it seem to me that you have two options," Dee pronounced as he held up two fingers, "You can either admit that you're in love with JJ or you can forget it ever happened."
"What?... In love with him? Dee are you crazy?? I like women! I'm not gay!" Drake said vigorously.
"Drake," Dee sighed patiently, "Have you ever thought that maybe you were bi?"
"No... not... really?"
"And your physical attraction should really be taking the back seat here. Man, think about it, aren't you happy with him?"
"That's not the point," Drake uttered.
"Then what IS?" Dee asked.
"I've always grown up, wanting the normal things Dee. A wife, some kids, a pet, and a house in the suburbs," said Drake shakily, "And so far, I've got none of that. I'm going to hit thirty in a couple years, and what have I got to show for it? You see, don't you? It wouldn't work out."
Dee faintly shook his head, "That's where you've got it all wrong. The mind set that, you could only have those things with a woman. Two years ago, all I wanted was to be single and resilient and stand by myself, that was how I had it all planned out. But, then Ryo came into my life, and everything changed. Before I knew it, I wanted to be there with him forever, and help take care of his kid, and share my responsibilities as well as my soul.
Look, Drake. JJ makes you happy when you're with him. You just told me that. The fact that you became so close in such a short time just goes to show that you're really compatible. And from what I saw last night, you're not going to have problems with the sexual aspect either."
Dee grinned slyly as Drake glowered at him.
"But besides, think of it like this: if JJ were a woman would you have treated him the same? Does he really deserve all your insecurity just because he happened to be born as a guy? He's not selfish, he's not cruel, and he's not arrogant. He's a relatively good person, and hasn't earned society's shallow mindedness."
"You did good JJ, real good. I bet your parents would be proud of who you've become, no matter where they are now."
Drake sat in a thick silence for what felt like a millenium. He fought with himself, one side pleading to remain the same, while the other told him to take this chance to love JJ unconditionally. Love? When did these emotions turn to love? But he already knew the answer as soon as he looked inside himself. Since the day that he started to smile again.
"I'm afraid Dee... I'm scared about what everyone's going to say or do," Drake whispered, "I don't want to be ridiculed."
"It's all right. I'm not going to tell you that no one will harass you, because some people will. But it's worth it. I can tell you that it's worth every second."
oOoOoOoOoOo
JJ woke up with the drone of the alarm clock. It had been ten days since he had last been to work. If he wasn't in the middle of a transfer to another city, he would have surely been sacked. No police officer was could take off that much time without a better excuse than "being sick".
He had been sulking mostly. He slept little, he ate little, and he only left his apartment to take October to the bathroom. I'm such a sad person... brooding and moping around like this... no wonder why Drake thinks I'm not worth it...
Ryo had come by once or twice. He had practically burst down the door the second time that JJ refused to let him in. JJ knew he was there to talk to him but he didn't care. He didn't want to be talked out of moving. There just wasn't anyway that he could stay at the 27th.
I'll start all over again... just like I did two years ago... try and forget any of this ever took place.
'Rap, rap, rap'
Oh lord, Ryo's back again. JJ huffed as he brought his comforter over his head. If I just stay quiet he'll go away. Just like the times before. I wish October would stop barking like that! She'll only encourage him!"
After a few minutes, both the knocking and the barking ceased. Thank goodness. Now I can go back to sleep and give into the nightmares.
"JJ?"
JJ's eyes flew open under the sheets. Oh My God. What the hell is HE doing here? Damn him and his extra key!
"JJ... it's Drake."
The slender man in his bed knew that Drake couldn't see his eyes, or most of his face for that matter, because of the blanket. Just go away... just go away...
"I'm not going away until you look at me and listen to what I have to say."
Damnit, he caught me. JJ pushed the comforter to chin level and stared up at his ex-partner.
"What do you want? I think I've already heard all I want to hear."
"No, listen... it's not like that."
"No! YOU listen," JJ sat up and let the blanket slide down his bare chest to pool at his waist, "Not only did you make me feel like less than crap a week or so ago, you made sure that I knew I was stupid enough to believe we even had a chance! I don't care what you have to say! That doesn't matter. I just want to forget! Forget it all! Forget everything about you! Forget the feelings that you made me think you had! Forget the feelings I had for you! Forget that I really loved you!"
Oops, too much.
"You... you love me JJ?" Drake inquired with a concerned look.
"So, what if I do? I mean, did," JJ spat, "Like you'd care. You couldn't care less about what I felt."
"Yeah, yeah... you were right," Drake said while keeping JJ's gaze.
"What?"
"I said that you were right. That I didn't care about what you felt," Drake stated, "I was only thinking about what I was doing. I only thought about me when I was ranting at you. I was so selfish that I was just worried about what others were going to say, and not what we were... as a, you know, couple."
JJ snorted indignantly. Where is this leading? I don't have time for this.
Drake noticed JJ's impatience but bravely continued, "What I said was unforgivable. It was unnecessarily malicious and meant to convince myself and not to hurt you. I'm just chicken shit and you paid the price, I'm sorry."
Taking it all in, JJ sat with his hands folded in his lap. What's the purpose for telling me this?
Getting still no response, Drake was convinced that he had over stepped his bounds, "I'll leave now. I just wanted to tell you that. I'm sorry for what I did."
Drake left the room, but was back within five seconds.
"No, no, that wasn't all," Drake was able to tower over JJ's bed in a few strides, "I also wanted to tell you that... that... I love you."
Drake took a little gasp as if he didn't believe he had just said that, but carried recklessly on...
"You ARE everything to me JJ. I'm willing to be with you. Forever. I'll shout it out to anyone I meet. I'll tell the entire 27th precinct about how much I love you including Traffic and Minors! You say jump and I'll say how high. Let me spend the rest of my life keeping your smile fixed in place."
JJ's eyes widen in alarm as he gaped open mouthed at Drake. Never in his wildest dreams had he even thought that... Drake would...
Drake ran his knuckles gently across JJ's cheek while he softly spoke his last bit, "If there's was ever someone that I could grow old with, and still enjoy being around in fifty years... it would be you JJ. No one else could do that for me."
UNLEASH THE FLOOD GATES! JJ grabbed Drake's neck and sobbed uncontrollably into his shoulder. Drake jerked a bit as he hastily took a seat on the bed next to his yowling JJ. Drake gripped JJ firmly to stop his body from trembling.
"I... love... you too Drake. So much. This... was... the real deal for me... there would have... never been... anyone like you... again."
"Shhh," Drake said gently into JJ's ear as he squeezed him tighter, "I love you. I'll say it as many times as I need to, to make you trust me again."
"Once more... Drake...," JJ sniffled as he choked his tears down.
"All right," Drake lightly kissed JJ's forehead, "I love you JJ."
"Thank you," JJ breathed out as he leaned back a little with his eyes closed, "I'm so tired Drake. I haven't slept in three days. I couldn't stop thinking about you and what you said and-"
"Then go back to bed JJ," Drake replied soothingly as he lowered JJ back down onto his pillows, "I'll be by later."
"No!" JJ yelled as he latched onto Drake's arm, "Don't leave me alone. I don't want to wake up and think it was a dream. Please don't go."
Drake was hurt by the pain that JJ begged with. He must have really touched a sensitive spot to have reduced JJ to his current self.
"Okay. I'll stay with you. Move over a little."
While Drake removed his shoes, socks, and belt, JJ scooted over the far side of the bed. Drake climbed in and relaxed as JJ curled up on him. Yes, this is how it's going to be... for the rest of my life...
They were both dead to the world within a few short moments.
And it was the best sleep Drake had had in an eternity.
A/N: WE'RE HERE! There's going to be one more chapter so fasten your seat belts!
I took more than little liberities in this one. Tell me if it was too much, too little, you want more angst, you want less angst, more sap, less sap, less Drake, less JJ... THESE THINGS ARE IMPORTANT TO ME! Write Me! -crawls on hands and knees- please?
Oh, and I was wondering your opinion on something: Who do you think is the better seme? Drake or JJ? It's not a clear decision so I would like some imput. Next chapter I'll tell you who I think should be the dominant one... :-D